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Woukdn’t it be nice if the first one was planning a strategy before he calls you. If he’s smart he’ll see that he’s hit the mother lode with your email. Yours seems like a slam dunk.
I have a question tho Claire. When you previously said that your sa got in trouble at work for something inappropriate, do you know for a fact that’s what happened or do you know that because that’s what he told you?
The reason I ask is because I personally know officers who have been suspended for this and that and even fired. One guy admitted his wife never knew he got suspended for 3 days because he put his uniform on each morning and “left for work” only to hang out at his buddy’s place for three shifts so she wouldn’t know why he was home.
The ones who got fired told their wives that they were set up. My former stepson had a stepdad who was fired for having sex with a prostitute on duty. He was guilty as sin. We went thru open records to see his internal statements which clearly defined all the details, since we were in the midst of a custody battle with the stepson. We won btw. Anyhow, the prostitute stopped cooperating with dets at some point but they got enough from her to discredit some of of his statements before she quit talking. The stepsons mom told us stupidly at one point why the whore quit talking- “oh that’s because she got tired of lying about it.” Rigghhttttt! She never was the brightest bulb in the socket. One of his statements said the whore was sitting in the front seat of his squad car and all of a sudden he looked down and she was giving him a head job.
Yep just all if a sudden, bam! he was getting a head job. Riigghhtt!!!
So I was curious if you knew for sure what happened at work. If not, that might be worth looking into.
Sorry that you were having a rough day yesterday Claire. I hope today is better. Just call the attorney. You don’t even have to keep the appointment but call and make one.
Claire, good for you. I have found that attorneys are notoriously bad about getting back to you on anything. I know it sucks that on top of everything else, you are going to have to take charge of the divorce, too. Maybe you will get lucky and find someone who will be responsive.
I just think you are moving in the right direction if you want it to be over. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. You are strong and looking out for yourself, taking so many positive steps. Hang in there and don’t give up now. I know I am so used to people disappointing me and not understanding that I really have to fight to keep things moving. Just gotta put on the big girl panties.
UPDATE: I have an appointment Monday at 10a.m. for a free 30 minute consultation with attorney #1.
Suddenly I find myself drawing a blank as to what to ask her. Hell it will take me the whole 30 minutes just to explain our situation!
Here’s her website, tell me what you think.
http://www.tarahowardlaw.comSo what do I ask her? What are my rights if my SAH goes to jail? What else?
Shit. I was hoping to be prepared and now I just feel overwhelmed.
I am sure the sisters will be helpful in coming up with questions. And you’ll do fine, they are used to people being overwhelmed, anyway. This isn’t an everyday occurence for us, but it is for them.
That’s true, Lynn. She’ll probably be asking me a lot of questions which will bring about conversation of the situation and possible advice. Thanks.
She needs the basics. Your finances, length of marriage, short version of sex addiction, looming trial possibility, what you need, outstanding debt…
The sisters will have some more details and this is only Friday Claire. You did good. This meeting can at least give you some idea of what you might be facing. I am very proud of you.
I was so nervous with my first meeting that I cried and blew my nose and had all kinds of info stuffed in my purse…..He was very kind and took time with me and did not charge me a penny for the consult. They know what to ask and the basics.
One thing I read before going to a consult with a lawyer back in November (this cost me $175, btw, so get the most out of that free consult!), was to remember the lawyer is not your therapist. Try to keep your emotions out of it and just stick to the specifics about your situation. If you think it will help, I would suggest coming up with a list of questions or bullet points that you can cover with her during your 30 minutes. And take notes!
So glad you got an appt. Hope you can work through some feelings this weekend and by the end of it you can organize your questions.
Well, it’s time for me to get ready for my appt. with the attorney. An hour drive there, and hour drive back, for a 30 min. appt. I hate that I even have to do this. All I wanted was to live a normal life. I’ve had enough trauma in my life, I just wanted to retire with my husband and enjoy life. Oh well. Time to suck it up and realize that life just isn’t fair.
Oh, what to wear? Maybe I should wear my dirty donkey clothes. Maybe I’ll wear my “look like a Mom” clothes. Or I could wear my old professional clothes (if I could fit into them!). But, typical me, I’ll put on a nice pair of jeans and a nice shirt and call it good.
I’ll take you all with me (that will be one crowded room) and have no fear (well maybe a little). I’ll post later and let you know if anything good came of it.
Much love, Claire
good luck claire! remember to breathe. if you feel like you are getting upset, you can take a short break to collect yourself. wear whatever is the most comfortable. stay as factual as you can. this is legal stuff, not emotional. and some legal stuff can feel very unfair, find out your options. that will give you power. xoxo.
I will be thinking of you Claire. It does not matter what you wear….just have clothes on 🙂
Now is not the time to ponder the utter unfairness of it all. Save those feelings to post later. Yes, it is fucking unfair. All I ever wanted was to be what I am. I can’t help it that my husband had other ideas. The only thing you can do now is try to salvage as much from the mess as possible. I was the last person on the planet that I thought would be consulting a divorce attorney. It was surreal but it was necessary. I had to have information.
Keep us posted.
I’m right there with you honey and I’ll be waiting for your report.
Remember, it ‘s just a fact finding mission. You need information. Decisions will come later.
Love you ~ JoAnn
How did it go Claire? I’m sure you are exhausted. Fill us in whenever you are ready.
I love you. ~ JoAnn
It went okay. I didn’t cry (well not until I got back in the car!). She pretty much told me what I thought about Calif. law. That if the marriage is less than 10 years old (it’ll be 7 in Oct.) He is only required to pay alimony for a couple years. But I mentioned to her that if we come to an agreement, different than that, like perhaps he pays alimony until I remarry, then would the judge sign it? She said that unless it’s totally unreasonable, anything you can agree and sign to will fly.
My H has told me on a number of occasions that if it ever came to this, he would do anything to make sure that I’m taken care of for the rest of my life. We shall see.
But, in discussing his current legal case, she suggested that I keep my cool until the next few hearings are over. She used to be a District Attorney here for a number of years and she says a case such as his usually is never surpressed via motion which is their next move. So I asked what happens after that, she says either he takes a plea for less prison time or it goes to trial. So …… she believes he’s looking at prison time. In fact, she was sure he was going to prison. Not sure what to think of that, I mean is she just talking big, trying to scare me, or what? Anyway, if that’s the case, that would take care of asking for a separation! Then I can decide my next move after that.
She charges a $2,000 retainer. Phone calls and emails are charged in 1/10th increments at $250 an hour for her, $35 an hour for her clerk and $20 an hour for her legal asst.
I’m thinking I better talk to another attorney and compare notes.
I had you all stuffed in the back seat of my car and when I looked in the rearview mirror I could see all your faces and we were all singing and rockin’ out to the radio! All I could think of when I got out and got back into the car was how I wish we could have a group hug.
I love you guys. Claire
I am so proud of you Claire. You made the first step. I have been concerned all along that he is facing prison. I guess that would be a true separation…..
Anyway, you got some clear information. It’s good to start somewhere and you did. Big big big hug to you 🙂
Thanks Bev,
I’m kinda numb right now. Not sure what to think. I just want to sit here and do nothing. I fed all the animals and now I’m sittin g here looking at the TV just doing nothing. It’s that frozen feeling all over again. You know, kind of like the patio.
Hugs back!Good for you, Claire. That was a really big step and I am sure felt surreal. You have a lot to process.
I don’t think they would file a case if they didn’t have some hard evidence, Claire. From what I understand about child porn cases (I have a friend who’s father-in-law is in jail for child porn and her husband is an attorney, so that is my source), if it has gotten this far, he is likely headed to jail. If anyone knows differently, speak up. But child porn is taken very seriously.
I feel so badly for you, Claire. You sure didn’t ask for any of this. You just take your time processing. And we are here for you.
Thank you, Teri. I appreciate everyone’s input. I’d much rather face the truth so that I can prepare for my future. So if anyone, especially Daisy, has thoughts about my situation, please feel free to post about it. And Teri, though I know my situation isn’t at all like yours, I know it’s equally as painful. Thank you for taking time to help me out.
I remembered something else we discussed. As I started to ask her about what I should do if they were to dismiss the case, should I ask for separation then? I told her that my SAH keeps telling me “without a doubt, the case will end on June 29th, when my attorney files a motion to supress”. I mean he’s so super sure of this. Case over. Done. My attorney’s response was, “Are you familiar with the fact that most sex addicts are narcissists? That they refuse to believe that anything can “get them”? After all, he has to feel as though he’s a caged animal right now in regard to this case. He has to convince himself that there will be a good outcome”. I was shocked. She knows about sex addicts! She’s absolutely right. Why did I buy it? Why did I think there was a possibility he would get off? (Oh, bad choice of words, sorry). 🙂
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