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That’s the tricky part Claaire. When normal people tell you something and they adamntly believe in what they are saying then we tend to believe them. These guys are not quite normal so we have to decide what to believe. He may know something about his case that we do not. It is perfectly reasonable that he may know that the case will be dismissed. It is just as logical to think that he is just seriously deluded and will be facing prison.
I don’t know if he actually had child porn on his computer or not. If he did then I would bet money the prosecutor is not playing around….
Claire,
Im really proud of your courage to see this attny. She sounds like she ‘gets it’ which is always a good sign. This will make the next visit much easier I hope. It’s very nerve wracking because it’s all possibly real which is scary. We just can’t avoid scary we have to take care of us and it’s uncomfortable and I’m so proud of you Claire.
((((Hugs)))) NapxoReading, listening and caring about you Claire – I got in on the group hug Lisa started.
sistahs(((((((Claire))))))))sistahs
time for a bubble bath by candlelight?
Goodnight,
DesireeClaire, I can’t add anything but a hug. What a huge step. I hope you’re patting yourself on the back for taking back some control.
I LOVE that your atty knows SA/narcs! What a blessing!
Amy
Claire, I know next to nothing about criminal law, especially in California. My gut instinct is that your attorney’s analysis of your H’s criminal case is dead on including the part about the narcissist’s delusional belief in his own infallibility. I know you’ve got momentum going right now and I am incredibly proud and impressed, but it might be wiser to wait and see what happens in the criminal trial. If he does go to prison, that may solve the problem without the need of spending the money on an attorney right now.
I agree, Daisy. I have surgery on the 25th and his next court appearance is on the 29th. So I really have no choice but to wait it out for a little while.
Our particular County has been running a sting or crackdown on child porn offenders. In fact, they have a group of DA’s that head up that effort. All along I’ve been trying to tell SAH that we should prepare what to do (as a couple, financially, etc.) in the event the case doesn’t go the way he wants it to. And in those conversations he always agrees that we should have a plan in place. But, now looking back, that’s just a generic answer to make me feel good about his being agreeable. The classic theory of “actions speak louder than words” applies here, as he has never followed through with anything on that front.
Thank you ladies for helping me see this through and helping me to look at the situation for what it is and not what I think it could be. Even 3 years after D-day, after all the advice I’ve given others, I still need your support. This is crazy shit.
I look back at the day my home was searched and with nothing but a cell phone, you gals were there for me. Here we are again a year later and I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have you all in my heart everyday.
Much love, Claire
Claire, I’m really impressed with your courage and resolve to get to that attorney. Separation is hard financially under normal circumstances,but the husband keeps working and that income and insurance are still available. What will you do financially if he goes to prison? Are you worried about that? I’m worried. How can we help you? You have so much to deal with right now, wish we could make it easier.
Hi Courtney, we talked about that at the attny’s office. My SAH is retired and his pension is directly deposited into his account. As far as I know, that should not change. If that’s the case, I’ll be able to stay in the house with all the animals and without him being here the budget will be slimmer and I should be able to save some money.
i hate to say this and i hope you won’t be mad at me claire. but i hope he goes to prison so you can be without his brokenness, past and present. and that things will be simple and easy for you claire. i know that is sometimes next to impossible with these guys, but i hope things are as simple as they can possibly be.
hang in there. in the meantime, look after yourself like crazy. tons of self care. and detachment. xoxoxoxo
Claire – so proud of you – gathering this information is such an important step. I don’t know anything about law but I don’t think she was trying to scare you. I think she was trying to be frank that he will most likely go to jail. I’m just worried about you for after 6/29? If he’s not in jail and he is like a “caged animal”, who is he going to take that out on? You have your surgery on the 25th – are you going to be at home recoverying then? Can you son or someone else come stay with you? I agree with Lisa, I’m sorry to say but I think prison is probably your best chance of getting your ducks in a row and moving on with your life without him.
FC – You’re right. The timing of the surgery isn’t good but I will be fine. He’s pretty predictable. He will first be angry, and then he will convince himself that he has a better chance with a jury trial.
My son is just an hour away. If I call him, he will drop everything and be at my front door. He’s a good boy! And with him here, if I feel like I can’t handle SAH, then we will make him leave even if that means calling the Sheriff’s Dept. That, of course, would be followed up with a restraining order.
I pretty much have a plan for any situation, I just hope it never comes to it. This is my 4th surgery, and if past behavior really is a predictor of future behavior, then he will be fine after a few tantrums and I’m prepared for that. Ho Hum, just another day in crazy land!
I agree with all of you that the best case scenario (even though i wouldn’t wish it on anybody) is if he gets prison time. But, knowing my luck, it’s possible that might not happen. That’s what scares me.
However, I’m of the mindset that things may be turning around for me. As my therapist puts it, healing from this type of trauma includes the mind-body-spirit. I’ve been seeing a therapist to help me understand my feelings, I’m seeing a specialist to help me get this shoulder problem fixed, and I’ve gone back to church for the first time in years where the first sermon was on believing the Holy Spirit is within you. I also believe that things happen for a reason. My typical way of doing things is to just make a quick decision and get on with it. But because of the court system, and the health care system, I’ve been forced to have patience this time which has forced me to really research options and take good care of myself.
But to have all your hopes and prayers behind me, well maybe that will change my luck!
Much love, Claire
Claire, the Feds had lots of ammo on your husband even before they descended on your home with their search warrant. Child porn raids aren’t usually done half assed, some of their other areas have been called that but not usually their child porn cases.
It’s not like dwi’s/dui’s where they go easy on first time offenders. He is looking at prison time. That’s pretty much the norm with child porn investigations.
Dear Sweet Claire,
I remember you said that you went back to church & rekindled your faith recently. Well, I am wondering if all this isn’t in some way an answer to your prayers…. Or the universe, karma, or whatever each sister believes in…..
It just seems so perfectly ordered. We sometimes look at change as the scary unknown instead of having the means to free us from the chains that weigh us down. In your case, I think these changes will be a good things. I think you will have your health restored, your space, and your animals, and you will have the time you need to sort this all out.
I know it will be a public thing for you if he goes to jail, but, I sincerely think you will be better off in the long term. Their actions are so humiliating at times, but, you did nothing wrong. He did. So, he is the one who should be humiliated if he has to go to jail and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are just a good wife.
I also think the attorney was very good in that she seems to know both divorce & criminal law ( as she advertised ) and she was giving you a possible outcome based on her experience with the courts. Of course, it never hurts to get a 2nd legal opinion but, I think this one may be a keeper.
Just one question, you said that your husband’s pension will be deposited. Will your health insurance continue also?
If that’s all in place, I think you will be just fine. Is someone going to stay with you while you recover from your shoulder surgery?
I will be thinking of you as the surgery & court date near, & please know that you are in my prayers.
DeborahClaire,
While I was typing you were posting. It sounds like you have prepared for everything and that you have all the physical support that you need. Your son is wonderful and close too…
I will definitely keep you in my prayers.
claire, you are doing so so well. it brings tears to my eyes and gives me goosebumps. i’m so proud of you. xo lisa
Claire, I am late for all what has been going on with you, but just know that my thoughts and my prayers with you, you are a kind and beautiful woman with a heart of Gold, and I know things will turn around for you, you did hit the bottom and the natural law says that you should be going up now.
Dear claire,
This is some very heavy shit isn’t it? I would be a rag doll heap on the floor. I don’t think I could cope with something this deep AND have surgery AND worry about money AND deal with him And, And, And…. You were directed to that little church, Claire. You need the big guns for this situation. I think you have to sit tight and see what is going to happen to him. It is gut clenching…no doubt about that. I have no pat answers for this one. Just that I think you are doing great and whatever is meant to be will unfold. If he goes to prison…it is on him. I cannot imagine a swat team descending on a house without good reason, but I know little of your legal system. I cannot imagine the stress of waiting for more information.You know we are behind you and want only a good outcome for you. Hang in there. Those words sound so inadequate to your task.
Huge Hug, Karen xx
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