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On a scale from 1-10, how committed is your h/partner to their own sobriety and recovery. This would not include any involvement from us, just on their own.
How about 0-10, 0 obviously the least to 10 being the bestest hardest worker ever….
My h on his own, would never have went to 12 step or therapy, he went to appease me. His idea was to just stop, as he told me, however he was still doing it behind my back. And had i not insisted on 12 step and therapy, i am sure he would have continued his method forever. Heck he is still probably at his method knowing what i know now.I give him a 0.5 as he atleast had the brilliant idea of the “just stop” method that all addicts have. So not enough to even give him a 1.
Good question!! You made me stop and think when you added the disclaimer “Just on their own” because without me walking through the door with apartment brochures in my hand, I don’t think he’d have recognized what a mess he was. I don’t think he would have started Candeo and seeing his CSAT without me – so – I’d sadly have to say 0 although I think he would have figured it out sooner or later. More later though.
But now, on his progress, he gets a 4. Tu use Lexie’s words there’s no “fire in his belly”….
right now I would say he is an 8. Problem is I don’t really care.
It took a wedding to get him to figure out he wants his life. He spent the last 8 months (hell 28 yrs) acting as if we were disposable, all why acting in public like he was dad/husband of the year.My dad always jokes that I should chew on a bucket of nails, because I am too nice. I’m chewing!
I thought mine was about a 5, then realized he was actually a 0 because he skipped his meeting to go have sex and then lied on top of it. Then when he left me homeless, I really realized he loved his addiction more than me. I used to be too nice too hanj but I’m not anymore. Mine likes to put on “shows” too.
I was wondering if anyone else would like to share. I thinks it will help us see where our husbands are on “their own” sobriety and recovery path.
Anyone else?Hi ZG,
How would you rate you husband if you want to share? I understand if you don’t so please don’t feel obligated.
Love, NapNAP, I’ve been thinking about this ever since you posted the question…I’ve really struggled with it, maybe because it’s the question that I struggle with constantly. The struggle, of course, comes from lack of trust. Like stillstanding, the disclaimer of “on his own” is huge. With that in mind, I give him a zero, because he was in fake recovery 2 years ago (after I caught him), and his new recovery came about because I caught him again. I feel like he’s about a 7 now, knowing my boundaries and bottom line are in place this time around. But it’s EARLY in the game. I’m trying to stay real, with all of your help, for which I will always be grateful!
Love, ZGHi ZG,
Thanks for posting. I know I ask hard questions. I want us to think and be real because that is the truth. Our truth, whatever that may be. You sound really good!
Love, NapThanks, NAP! I always love your questions, because they are the ones that I really have to think hard about and get back to. I also wanted to post back and change that “0” to a “-30”, as long as I’m being real. So combined with the current “7,” he’s at a negative 23. So lovely.
p.s….some days good; some days not so good. I think that’s been the hardest part of recent months. I’ll have a roll of good days, and then all of a sudden, without warning, I’ll feel like I’ve been hit by a truck again.
Hi ZG,
Does it come out of nowhere (hit by truck feeling) or does something actually happen that causes it?
NapNAP, It can go both ways. If it’s a really gut-wrenching hit-by-a-truck feeling, than usually it’s been triggered in some way. I know…the “t-word”…I wish I could think of a better term for us partners!! Sometimes though, I just feel really sad at night without any specific trigger/instigator whatever. Sometimes just going to bed is hard enough. I guess it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. We really did have some close intimitate times in bed (and not necessarily always with sex). I just wonder where I was in his head and heart; ie, how can we seem so close while addiction is going on? At the same time, I had seen that disappear over the past few years, and it’s been very lonely. I also wonder if we’ll ever have that closeness back again.
zg i see them more like reminders not triggers. like a giant billboard, flashing lights reminder
much love kattKatt, yes, that’s exactly what I mean! For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out the right word to explain what I mean.
Thank you! 🙂 You ladies always get it; we almost don’t need words sometimes. 🙂
Love, ZGHi, new here. I would say that my husband is about an 8, but he is not new to 12-step programs. At age 19, he joined AA and has been sober (from alcohol) for over 25 years. Ironically, I thought this man had unbelievable willpower, and that was a quality I really admired in him.
So, when he was CAUGHT he immediately got himself into individual therapy, a 12-step program, and set up couples counseling for us. He has stopped accessing the internet except for work and kid stuff, and has begun reading all sorts of self-help books (The Porn Trap, How to Be an Adult in Relationships, etc.). I might have felt more optimistic if this wasn’t just damage control for him.
But I may be with NAP on this in that I’m not sure I care all that much. I feel numb and deceived and sick that this is my life. And, like Zumbagirl, I called him out on inappropriate behavior almost two years ago and then convinced myself that I was overreacting, so I feel as though this is already his second chance.
I’m also going through that phase of intimacy and then pulling back and smacking myself upside the head, rinse, repeat. It’s a spine-tingling thriller!
Agony
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