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Today is the one year anniversary of finding out my husband had been having multiple affairs and then some…. This past year has been HELL. I am still in a ton of pain and still need to figure out if this marriage is worth it and if he will change. I am feeling really angry and sad today. Can they recover?
In the past year we have put blocks on the computers. He has shut down multiple fake emails. Stopped the relationships, the travel, the BS….so I think. And I am pretty positive he has been clean because I am a snoop. He is thinking about a 12 step. He says he is looking for a good one but I am pretty sure he is afraid to go. Can anyone recommend a good on in the Chicago land area? I really can’t believe it has been a year. I am pulling out all my demands and if he wants to save this marriage and really change…who am I not to recommend a good 12 step. Let’s see how serious he really is. Thanks for all you help sisters…I don’t know what I would do without you.
MJ
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Are you in a financial position to leave if you choose to end it? Do you have kids?
Do you work? Have you googled some support groups in your area? Our therapist is the one who told us about the mens group for SA and I attend the wives group. Do you have a therapist? Let me guess, your h is probably like all of ours. Everyone thinks hes great and seems like a real catch and a family man.Thinking of you….
mj, my one year ‘anniversary’ was August 4th, and it was a lot tougher than I thought it would be, flashbacks-wise. My h is also originally from Chicago, and when he was visiting family there this past year, he said the SA groups there were really good. You have every right to demand that he go to one, because without some kind of program, they’re really just flailing around and not looking into why they did this in the first place. I can’t believe it’s been a year either. Most surreal year I’ve ever had. Sending you love and support. xoxo
Thank you for your support. I have two boys 14 and 11. I do not have a full-time job. I left corporate world 10 years ago to raise my boys. I have two part-time jobs that have given me mental health but not financially steady.
I married him after 5 years of dating. Been married 16 years. I knew he smoked pot once or twice in college but never thought of addiction. He has been “cheating” since the day we met. Porn and pot. The porn led to strip clubs which led to chat rooms. Then dating sights. Then real dates and hookups. He doesn’t travel for business anymore and swears he is a changed man because of the pain he sees me in. Really? Not sure what to do.
Dear mj,
He is not a changed man because of the pain he sees you in. He as temporarily suspended operations until you relax. Or maybe not even that.
You need to get yourself and exit plan now. Even if it works out and he is a changed man, you need to build your sense of power by creating an exit plan. Get help wherever you can get it, family, friends, agencies, gov’t, faith-based groups etc. Just get help. Financial, legal, emotional, spiritual, etc.
Just because you have sons doesn’t mean they aren’t learning to put up with shit in their relationships in their adult life. My oldest son (25) is busily “un-learning” the modelling I gave him of looking after someone so they can remain immature and irresponsible. We talk about frankly and clearly.Recovery has no guarantees. You have to look after yourself. If it all works out, that’s great. YOu are being prudent and responsible as a person and a parent to have an exit plan from a destructive and non-mutual relationship.
you can do it. You can. It’s hard, but you can do it.
It seems the more pain they realize they have caused us fuels their need to keep on screwing us over. Yours is saying what many of our h have said. Can you go back to the corporate world if you decide to leave?
Unfortunately there is nothing YOU can do. You have 2 kids and if you add him as a third then you and the real children suffer. Let go and let him fly. See if he does the work ON HIS OWN or not. You shouldn`t be finding groups for him. He`s a grown man and the father of 2 sons. He should work everyday to find a group for himself.
It`s a hellish year but you are still breathing. Take it step at a time. Don`t try to figure out the whole marriage right this minute. Let him do his own work and you put away all your snooping and redirect that energy towards yourself and your children. You will soon see what he is made of… I hope it is good 🙂
Amen BEV!
why the hell does MJ have to find this information? Is he retarded? He’s certainly not more traumatized than mj!I’ll tell you why he’s playing powerless victim…because he’s not doing anything except mindfucking mj’s life.
I always say..”Google works for things besides finding hookers…”
All of these men managed pretty handily to find their weirdo sex crap. I feel they are perfectly capable of finding help.
There are a lot of SA meetings in the North and Western suburbs of Chicago. Glen Ellyn, Oak Park or Southern suburb in Orland..just to name a couple. If you go on SA’s website I believe you can find them. The Sanon meetings, however, don’t have as many locations. I have been going back and forth about going to one, but the nearest one is probably at least a 30 min drive from me. I think I’m really just using that as an excuse b/c I am scared shitless of attending one.
Why is it that it’s been a year already and he’s just now looking into SA meetings?
That should have been the first thing he did after you found out.
Doesn’t look good.
much love, claire
Tell him you don’t have time to find him a 12 Step group, because his recovery is his job. The 12 step people would tell you to stop focusing on HIM and start focusing on yourself. This is NOT selfishness, this is the path to health and healing for you. Spend your time learning how to heal from the trauma of his addiction and make a list of things you would like to have in place in order to feel safe enough to leave. Work on your list, not him.
Sisters…
Thank you a million times over for all your comments. I am NOT going to find him a group. I am going to work on my future and my health. It is hard for me to not want to “fix” everything but I understand that it is not my job to fix him. I am a little afraid to go to Sanon meetings. Not sure if I need to. Anyone have a thought about them?
I’m so sad about all of this. I do not want my boys to learn this behavior. I am a strong woman that is well educated and can go back to the corporate world if I need to. Any other thoughts on healing? I have kept myself very busy to avoid thinking about the whole situation. (Gardening, painting, travel, running, etc.) I have attended couples therapy with him for a year. I found out I HAD some co-dependent tendencies but then educated myself and learned the “trying to help and feeling broken because of his failings” was my way of dealing with trauma. I am a trauma victim plain and simple. That took a while to learn.
I feel so lucky to have stumbled across this site and joined immediately. You sisters are the first woman that I have communicated with that actually know the pain I have been going through. I feel so blessed to have found you all but sorry it took a year.
MJYou are not Co-dependent.. Dammit!! You were just “married’ in the normal use of the word. You do not have to keep busy to avoid feeling. You have earned and deserve every freakin feeling that you have. If you do not want your boys to learn this behavior then dump the bad teacher. You need to “unbusy” yourself and let every horrible feeling you have wash over you. Meet them head on with a friendly greeting. You won`t die.
As for those meetings..go if YOU want to. It`s a meeting not a contract you are signing for life…
We ( as a whole) are taking all their bullshit way too seriously. I think it was Helen that stated it best… “You married a loser”… Time to move on.
I am so sorry for your pain. It is very real and it hurts so damn bad. It`s the hand you were dealt. Play it out. You will be surprised how good you actually are 🙂
MJ – tell you SAH to tell you what his recovery plan is…..if he waffles or can’t figure it out – then move on…..but it’s fine to move on now, too. He should see a CSAT and go to 12 step SA meetings at a bare minimum.
There are some SAs that can lead a sober life – which means behavior and thinking. Maybe yours is one of them. You won’t know until you see what he does (or doesn’t do in the case of most of them).
I’m saddened that your marriage therapist sat and watched all these disclosures and didn’t throw the red flag. Of course, having said that, mine did it too…..from affairs, to hookers, to CL ads – and the damned so called “marriage therapist” never suggested that he had a problem that warranted serious attention.
Time to lay down the law and protect yourself. I got a lot out of S-Anon and COSA meetings – they kept me sane (along with this group).
You may or may not be co-dependent. We are all trauma survivors first and foremost.
Take care of yourself…. Read Barbara Steffens book “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse” – that will tell you most of what you need to know.
We are here for you.
Deb
Thank you. I will read that book. Are you still married Deb? If not…how long did it take to figure it out? Just curious. Thanks for the advice sisters.
{{{Hugs}}}
What an awful mess to be in. I am so sorry you are facing all these struggles.
Here it is, the statement that stuck out at me from your post:
“swears he is a changed man because of the pain he sees me in. Really?”
Ok, here’s why:
A year later, he’s supposedly changed (on his own power, alone? That’s such an extreme rarity you’d be more likely to win the PowerBall AND MegaMillions the same day), and your pain level is not any better. You are not sure, that Really? said it all. And you know your reasons for doubting are not all in your head. They never are.
It is so encouraging that you decided you will NOT do his legwork for him in finding his groups, etc. First off, he won’t own it if he doesn’t do the work. And secondly, how many of these women have heard “Don’t complain about how things are progressing, YOU picked that (counselor, group, etc.) and I am only doing what YOU wanted.” Every single shortcoming from that point forward is your fault. When it’s convenient.
As far as staying busy to avoid thinking about this, that can’t last forever. You are under a ton of stress, and could be like many of us, near the breaking point physically and THEN have to face the reality of the addiction in your midst. Get ready, that’s a recipe for a perfect storm.
I am so glad you found these sisters to share with. And I hope you find some help from a counselor who truly understands and respects your experience, doesn’t just read from a canned script meant for “co-dependents”.
I don’t mean to sound accusatory, I am very, very concerned for where this path will lead you.
Wow, Bev! Again, I’m impressed!! Great advice! Sit with the pain. An unfortunate but very, VERY Necessary step. Don’t avoid it- just take it like a woman! Get it all out! You will be all the better for it! Take it from someone like me, who sat comatose on my patio for oh, say about 5 months. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You, my dear, will be just fine! We all will!!! XO!!
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