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Sorry to co-opt your trap idea, Helen, but it is perfect for my situation as well. Since we are both in the midst of the divorce process, I guess that’s not surprising…
My son is at his first sleepover camp this week. We had this planned for over a year, and I didn’t want him to miss out because of all the crap at home and how it is affecting him. In fact, I am hoping it is a good break for him.
The camp is 2 hours from my home. Since my son is having post-traumatic stress, anxiety, and probably depression, I worked it out with the counselors that I would stay in a nearby hotel, and he and they would call if he was having problems. He and I both think he will be okay during the days with activities and structure but that evenings or free time would be the problem. Sure enough, last night after all the scheduled activities ended, he started getting distressed, called me, and spent the night with me at the hotel.
This morning I took him back, and checked my email. I had an email from dad asking for son’s cell phone number and if he could drive down at the end of the week to pick him and take him home. And then he asked me to specifically explain why he could not if I didn’t think he should.
We have already set up visitation schedule with our co-parenting counselor, he has already heard my son does not want him to pick him up, he has already heard that my son is nervous about his first sleepover camp, he knows my son has anxiety, he knows his phone calls upset my son.
And he doesn’t give a shit.
So, I can protect my son and tell not to come because my son doesn’t want him to and we already worked out visitation time and give him ammunition for his parental alienation charge. I can ignore him, hope he doesn’t show up, and even pick my son up early on Friday night (pick up is on Saturday am, but they can be released Friday pm) and give him ammunition. Or I can protect myself by telling him to discuss it with my son- but that risks my son having more anxiety. Any ideas on how to handle this and protect both my son and me?
Fucking asshole.
Teri,
When I had situations like this I would call my lawyer and she would say something like this, tell him: “I talked to my lawyer, she said you need to wait until he returns from camp to pick him up.”. Or whatever you need to say. Talk to your lawyer and if she says it is okay, make her the heavy then don’t answer anymore emails if he pesters you about it. Just a poss option.Teri,
You are an awesome mom!
I agree, use triangulation with a professional so that the weight is off you on this. They will almost all make H stand with the agreement, because children need structure.
Does your son have a court appointed guardiem ad litem? They will stand up for the children, and they are usually very good, but they are attnys and so cost a good deal. BUT you can often have those fees charged to H as part of support/legal fees in a divorce.
Or a child’s advocate? They are often volunteers, but very well versed and because they’re volunteers, you know they are in it for the children’s wellbeing, not the money. They are good sounding boards for you, anyway. And will often be present in court on the child’s behalf and the judge will take their testimony more seriously than just the average witness because of their certifications.
Just another tier of accountability that your H cannot squirm around. And a phone number you can give him to get him off your back.
Repeat after me: “We will be abiding by the agreed-upon visitation schedule.”
That IS the point of such an agreement.
Contacted lawyer but no response yet and I am honestly not likely to get one. There are things I like a lot about my attorney but the availability of people in her office is not one of them.
If no response, I am inclined to go March’s route.
My attorney used to be an ad litem. We haven’t discussed for my son although it has come up with one of his therapists at times. I don’t really know how they work. I do know that my son is very unusual with many quirks, asynchronous development, intensities, etc. (Despite numerous evaluations insisted on by the school when he attended, the only label he has is profoundly gifted). The inability of many if not most people to understand him (the gifted coordinator for our district told us he needed to get beat up on the playground- about an 8 year old kid who is very shy and introverted, for example) makes me reluctant to trust anyone with him but me. Even his therapist who I like often gives advice that ends up being the opposite of what he needs.
I have been doing a damn good job of knowing him and taking care of him up until now. I just don’t know how that should be called into question because dad is a sex addict. This whole system just pisses me off.
besides a guardian ad litem, or an advocate, how about a new therapist/second opinion? Any therapist that says he needs to get beat up on playground is just a quack. Yes, there is the possibility that you are an overprotective parent, but you know what: your son will have decades to shake that mantle.
Most psychiatrists/therapists working with children try to avoid diagnosis, as should you. You do not want your son to be forever labeled as “ADD”, “ODD”, “Asperger’s”, or even gifted-and-talented, if that is really not befitting.
Do not become the victim of the “system”. Find a second opinion. Always find a second opinion. Children grow and change by the minute. We all have to afford them that right. Especially if you suspect your son is on the Asperger’s spectrum, you will need an Autism specialist. They don’t care about the diagnosis, they deal with the “quirks”. They look at things inductively, intuitively.
I would think if your son had a diagnosis that would support your cause in court. In a general sense, he sounds like high functioning Aspergers. They are very gifted however have awkward tendencies and difficulty with social skills and have ideocincracies. Of course, I’m just guessing and I’m sure this has been considered. Many people with aspergers become engineers and scientists, many are very bright and are also great inventors. Most are very gifted, their able to see and understand what most people can not. I know you would know by now if he does has aspergers.
NAP, he actually tested above his age level in the Autistic spectrum testing. Meaning he is very sensitive and aware of other people’s emotions, social cues, nonverbal communication, etc. And he totally gets all kinds of humor- in fact, the quickest way to get his buy-in on anything is to find a way to make it humorous. When distressed, he reaches out for hugs. He is nowhere near being on the spectrum. I can’t tell you how many times people make a snap judgement about him. It’s kind a sore spot for me.
However, a diagnosis of a spectrum disorder, even if inaccurate, would actually help us at this point because then no one would expect him to be able to talk about his feelings, he would not be able to adapt well to change (as in being shuttled back and forth between homes) and he would not be well-supported in the schools.
Schools have screened him (and numerous private practitioners as well) for spectrum disorders, sensory integration disorders, auditory processing disorder, etc. We have spend thousands of dollars as did the school system. Tested at various stages from age 3 on every few years. If someone could have stuck a label on him, they would have.
He has done wonderfully since we have homeschooled. He participates and excels in a number of extracurricular activities- Tae Kwon Do (black belt which means he now leads classes), Boy Scouts (all he has left is to finish his Eagle Project), robotics team (numerous trophies). He participates in a homeschool book club, attends university lectures, takes online classes in a virtual classroom where everyone participates. Scored 98th percentile on the ACT at age 12. But he can’t tolerate the noise and commotion all day in the schools nor can they provide him university math and science classes. There’s a small body of literature on Dabrowski’s overexcitabilities and positive disintegration that I think speaks more to his situation, but few people are aware of these outside a small portion of the gifted community.
And dad thinks he should be put back in the schools. And without a diagnosis, I have nothing. And without him being able to talk about his feelings (his therapist thinks he is just overwhelmed by them), someone else will decide for him about visitation.
He has 3 therapists right now- one for divorce, visitation issues, one for adolescence and sexual development, one for PTSD (he had no therapists before dday). He has had a psychiatric evaluation and a neuropsych eval since dday and now dad is asking for another psych eval.
I want to go back to before dday when he was a brilliant, goofy, awkward 13 year old who never had a bad day, loved and trusted everyone, didn’t realize he was different, and was all hugs and smiles.
Lynn,
Thank you so much.I think I do a pretty good job, too. I work damn hard at it, anyway. I can’t believe my DAH is trying to undermine that and take my baby away.
Oh Teri what an amazing son you have, I am so sorry that his own dad has no clue who his son is and as such pushing him to the edges, that dad is an idiot, I dont know how he got to become a doctor,
at any rate, you are as they mentioned above an amazing mother and you just have to keep protecting him from his own dad under any prcie, you have been doing the right thing so just keep with that attitude
just ignore his email until friday and see what happen until you hear from your lawyerYour son does sound incredible, Teri. I also have one of those special ones…diffiuclt to categorize. I suspect that whatever your son’s idiosyncracies…the REAL problem he has now is he is being stalked and used by a predator who just happens to be his father.You are right he is a sensitive and that is why he knows his dad is dangerous.Looking back…I realize the best advice I EVER gave you was when I said have someone kill that f–ker. What a pathetic sack of shit he is…preying on his own child. You soound like a wonderful Mom to me . This divorce cannot be settled soon enough.Please try to remember that no matter what, your son is growing up..soon he will be able to stand up to his father no matter what the courts say.Parental alienation my ass. IF your son had ever trusted his father there would be NOTHING anyone could say or do to alienate him from him. Karen xx
Karen, you are right about the real problem. He was doing so well and had come so far in maturing and developing before all this occurred. He would be on that same path if it wasn’t for his father.
Thanks all for the vote of confidence and support.
I would be tempted to answer your XSA’s email/text with: Sounds good. Heads up. Camp Counselors said he has a flu bug that’s been making the rounds at the camp. Both ends. Bring towels, buckets and be prepared to stop every 10 miles. 🙂 That’s what I would WANT to do. What I would REALLY do is ignore him. We are responders who married (and then divorced) non-responders. Whenever I ask my soon to be XSA a question I really need/want answered, he ignores me. Ignore him.
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