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I know this – I live & breathe this in my work life! I’m a Recruiter – we do “behavioral interviewing” – past performance is the best predictor of future performance. We ask for specific examples – not hypotheticals – not what you might do in a future scenario but what you did do when you encountered something simliar in the past. We ask not what your team did but what was your specific contribution.
Reading Dr. Simon’s blogs reminded me of this and that I need to apply this in my own life…”Mounds of scientific research attest to the fact that the single best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. That’s right. The best indication of whether someone will do something again is if they’ve done it before. A person’s pattern of behavior over time tells us a lot about their level of character development and what we can expect from them in any dealings or relationship we might have.”
We spend a lot of time analyzing our significant other’s behaviors and motivations. Will they do it again and is it an addiction? Or are they just jerks and didn’t understand how hurt we would be by their actions? Well, it’s really quite simple isn’t it? It boils down to…if they have done it before, they are likely to do it again. I’m not saying recovery or sobriety isn’t possible but I think we all need to remind ourselves (or maybe I’m just preaching to myself here and that’s okay b/c I am needing to be reminded), that they have shown us who they are, they have shown us what they are capable of and are likely to do again.
Correct FC and this is what we struggle with if we are still loving with SA. A psychiatrist told me my husband will always have a fetish for older women but I want to know what is the best predictor for controlling this. There will always be a propensity to for men to revisit the behaviour and that is why minwalla suggest polygraphs but I wonder if he has a profile for those who can maintain sobriety. But then also in the case of my husband is the fetish his thing and not me. Will I never satisfy him. I can look and feel like I’m 20 years older than I am but I’m still not 70.
I think that recovery is possible for a few, but in this example of the best predictor of future behavior might be the fact that they will never stop lying. They may very well stop acting out, but in my H’s case, I don’t think he can ever stop lying. Not about anything of any importance but it has become such a second nature to him that he’ll lie about the smallest shit and doesn’t understand why that’s not a problem. It’s a full circle to me – fine if you’ve stopped acting out, but coming full circle also means, stop doing the things associated with acting out. (and yes I hate that term, too)
Amen FC, they will be who they have been, they can never change and cbc made a good point, especially the lying it will never stop, and that what I had seen with my stbxh
Catherine, you have to believe what the psychiatrist told you….I know it is so hard to make sense or believe any of it, I had the hardest time understanding what my therpaist would mean when she told me my h is a narcissist, and he will always be a narcissist , but finally I could wrap my head around it and that is the part that I could not deal with anymore, the narcissism.
I truly believe they can do the work and change and become human beings. I believe that about all people. I really do. It’s purely up to them of course.
Do I want to put my marriage/heart/soul/health/finances/hurt/pain/anger/forgiveness on the line? Not so much…
It would be much easier to make decisions if they were just assholes all round and didn’t try There would be no question then about whether it was worthwhile taking a risk.
When I learned that my sah had an affair on his first wife and that was the reason (so it was explained) for the divorce, I remember asking him to take me through that first time having sex with her because I just needed to understand what was going through his head to be at that point of physically betraying the marriage. He told me he told himself “he deserved it.” I called him out on it and he admitted it was wrong, but that’s what he told himself to go through with it. He was very humble in his explanation. Now that I know what I know, I realize that he had 7 years leading up to that moment and had already been with various prostitutes. It was easy to get naked with his affair partner. And he did think he deserved it. In terms of behavior changing, he thought I was the antidote and stopped completely the prostitutes soon after we met. For a few months, until he was right back at it and escalating. Note- months… Didnt take years to work up the courage again because he was already comfortable in that arena. So my point is that the behavior is the behavior and it is the only constant even though everything else in their lives changes. It is definitely the best precursor. Sometimes I get this sadness that my sah will recover and meet someone new and be for that new person everything I had dreamed of. then I remind myself of this and I am pretty sure hell fuck her life up too.
So true Eliza – in Simon’s book, he calls this the Slot Machine Syndrome – “That syndrome describes why people sometimes stay in abusive or neglectful relationships. What happens is that one person invests a good deal of emotional energy and time over the years trying to make things work (much like a person who feeds a slot machine with coins, hoping for an eventual “payoff”). Every now and then (just like with a slot machine), there are some small rewards experienced, and this keeps the person investing. The problem comes when it becomes clear that you’re actually being maltreated. What you face then is not simply walking away from a losing situation, but rather walking away from your investment with nothing to show for it.” You certainly don’t want to invest all of your time and energy getting him “well” and then he goes off and uses all of that goodness on another woman! But you know what – even if that were to happen and they don’t regress back to their old ways, they would probably drop you b/c you know what they really were (are) and they want some new partner to think they are shiny & new & without SA baggage!
Okay I realize I sound like a Dr. George Simon convert all of a sudden but so much of what I’ve been reading in the book and on his blog just really resonates with me. And what is interesting is this book isn’t about addictions – it’s about personality or character disorders!
And, Cat, I totally agree – having someone who is nice about 75% of the time makes it harder to be & stay angry at them (sounds pathetic, I know) but case in point – I was starting to get fired up about my H (like Lisa mentioned recently, for some reason, I can’t seem to get/stay angry at him) and guess what he did? Tonight he had a gift for me when I got home – the new Justin Timberlake cd. I love me some JT so not only was it thoughtful & unexpected but the fact that he put it in a gift bag and presented it as a gift made it more special. This by no means negates what he has done but it’s one of those things that starts to soften you. Damn, I hate that I can’t even have a normal wife moment of “wow, how sweet and thoughtful of my husband” without it being wrapped up in me thinking – wonder why the motive is for this gift?
Unfortunately my husband is nice to me all the time and I enjoy his company. What a shame he has this problem.
I have the same problem. Husband is always nice. Even when he’s off the wagon he’s nice. Spiritual, attends church, prays. Says all the time how much he hates himself and what he’s doing. Other than the prostitutes there is no reason for me to believe I couldn’t have a happy marriage. Just one “minor” detail. Yeah.
“What happens is that one person invests a good deal of emotional energy and time over the years trying to make things work (much like a person who feeds a slot machine with coins, hoping for an eventual “payoff”). Every now and then (just like with a slot machine), there are some small rewards experienced, and this keeps the person investing. The problem comes when it becomes clear that you’re actually being maltreated. What you face then is not simply walking away from a losing situation, but rather walking away from your investment with nothing to show for it.”
That is so true, FC. I will try to keep that slot machine analogy in my head.
Before D-day my SA was 100% nice to me. Now my SA is only 30% nice to me, 70% a selfish abusive SOB. It’s mostly because of his narcissism, and often because he is just clueless on what the correct thing to do is (he was never modelled proper stuff by his parents). And I figure the ‘niceness’ only comes when he’s attempting to manipulate. Last week, he even said he thinks he has treated me “right” for the most part. Oh my god, you can imagine my reaction to that. Then, he admitted that perhaps he was “a bit too optimistic” in his self-assessment and that he wanted to make himself sound better than what he is — wow, sound better to me – the victim who is on the receiving end of all his maltreatment and betrayal. He thought that would fly? AS IF I wouldn’t know how I’ve been treated. That’s how backwards he is.
Dear FC,
I think the reason this man’s work resonates with you so much is because he is actually talking about most of our husbands. I believe we have all been reading the wrong kind of books. We read about sexual addiction. We should read about personality disorders or as I have said in the past, ad nauseum, men of poor character. IMO it is no coincidence that the behaviours our husbands engage in are sprinkled through out this man’s work. And that nice cd….that is just the slot machine making a little payout. Karen xx
It is not “nice” to lie to your spouse and act like nothing is wrong while you cheat on them/act out/ have sex with prostitutes. That is manipulation.
The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. People with well established behavior patterns and possible personality disorders, it’s rare they will change. There are a small percent who do and they have to totally want it for themselves otherwise it isn’t going to happen. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome (Albert Einstein).
I think we have to focus on our own behavior pattern in how we relate to these guys and how we may get sucked back in. As we become an observer of our own pattern, we become more aware, have more insight and less likely to repeat OUR pattern of relating to these guys which may keep us in a relationship which isn’t healthy.
I mean he is nice now Teri but the bottom line is he can’t be trusted. I’d like to think he won’t cheat again but I can’t. I’ve been tricked before. His therapist wants to speak with me for a bit tonight. I wonder why.
Karen – you are so right about that cd being a small payout of the slot machine. I don’t know how I didn’t see that connection yesterday but I was rereading what I posted and thought the same thing and then you called it out in your post. Sometimes we can’t see the forest through the trees in our own situations.
And, NAP, couldn’t agree more – we can only change our behavior, we cannot change them. That is why I’m reading up on manipulation b/c obviously there is something about me that is allowing this manipulation to go on. I don’t blame myself, he has obviously honed his skills over the years and is very good at it but I need to be able to see the tactics for what they are – strategies to get me to do what he wants (i.e. be a loving & compliant wife and “help” him in his recovery).
Ted Bundy was “nice”…..just sayin
Ladies, these guys are smart cookies. We laugh and joke and call them dumbasses. They aren’t. They are smart.
Right these guys are really smart and instead of channeling it for the good of mankind the use it to protect themselves at all cost. They are very sly.
Street smart Bev. FC the something about you that allows this to continue is that by nature you are loving, honest and you do not manipulate. It is almost impossible to get into their heads or anticipate the behaviours/manipulations when you are not like this. He is an alien.
I think cunning is probably the operative word. And I agree Bev. You cannot get away with what these guys do, for as long as they do, without having a few grey cells. Reading what this Dr simon is saying is like a continual light bulb flashing on and off in my head. Not that I didn’t know a lot about their tactics, but the way this guy has it nailed down is both validating AND chilling. I see additional tactics my husband used, tactics I didn’t fully recognize, all throughout
this Dr’s posts.
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