PD vs Sex addiction

I have never bought the sex addiction excuse OR the treatment model for it, Bev. I have long said that we are treating apples,when we should be treating oranges. Here’s the thing. What exactly do you think a personality disorder is?? It’s a personality that didn’t fully form, for whatever reason. How does it manifest itself? It manifests as self absorption, lack of remorse, lack of insight, lack of ability to learn from mistakes, lack of ability to accept personal responsibility, lack of conscience and lack of core values. It manifests as a nasty bag of manipulative techniques and a real tendency to exploit the good will of others. Isn’t that what most morally bankrupt people do? The problem isn’t that the courts don’t recognize sex addiction, the problem is that they don’t recognize personality disorders -unless the behaviour extends to breaking a law? Most of these guys are careful enough not to cross the legal line. They limit their tyranny to the interpersonal arena. Cheating can be regarded as dysfunction OR abuse. In many cases here, it is just one of the many hurtful actions available to an abusive man. And, it may well be one of the most effective ways to hurt a woman you resent, now that blackening her eyes is against the law? They are emotional abusers and so far there isn’t much recourse under the law for that. There simply isn’t anything currently in place to legally fight them with. All you can do is divorce them and walk away if you cannot handle the pain?

I agree with everything that is being said. By this, I mean my opinion is one size does not fit all. Some of these men do have PD and some won’t. Some have a history of molestation as a child some don’t, some were traumatized as a child others not. To some they are just cheating assholes and others use this as a coping mechanism. Plus it could be any combination of all of the above. Some may have all some one some a couple. Some won’t break the law others will. Some will go to treatment and some won’t. Some will get sober some won’t or fake it. Some had heinous childhoods and others did not. Some want to have their cake and eat too and others will change the locks and say good-bye.

Nap – such good insight. And really helps put into perspective that it almost doesn’t matter what the “cause” is. I say this as someone who had spent an incredible amount of time & emotional energy trying to “figure him out” so no judgements here but it makes me realize that if we spent less time on the “why” and more on the “what”, we all could probably move forward much faster, don’t you think? If we strip away all the reasons and explanations and theories, at the end of the day you have men who have slept with other women and in many cases, other men, outside of marriages or committed relationships. And they lied about it – over & over again. That is really all it boils down to, isn’t it? And why do we accept it? And try to figure them out? Why now that they have been found out do they all of a sudden want to change? It doesn’t matter. They did this – why do we have a hard time with saying this is unacceptable??? And I’m not going to let you do this to me again b/c I’m not willing to be with a partner who has betrayed me so thoroughly.

I know I spent years trying to figure mine out at the neglect of myself. This was even before I knew of his secret life. Then afterward spent even more until the rug got pulled out. It is normal to do so however I did spend WAY too much time and as far as my kids go I have no control over what he does to them. At their age, I just hope they have the good sense to know what’s right and what’s wrong. They are older so it would be different if they were younger.

Bev, I totally agree.

Through a maze of following blog links on a topic one night I came to a post and this was one of the commenters, a Church Bishop. the topic addressed was more centered around pornography, but you’ll see it’s all the same. It’s a good perspective from someone whose job/role is counselling families so he’s got more perspective.
Reply
NDM
January 21, 2013 at 9:04 am
As a bishop, I learned a) that experience with pornography is now so common among young men as to be practically universal; and b) that pornography addicts fell into two surprisingly clear-cut categories: Those who struggled against the addiction, and those who struggled against everything that got between them and the addiction.

If you’re waiting for the Sunday school answer, I’m sorry to disappoint: The difference was not that one group succeeded and one failed. Indeed, I became (perhaps heretically) convinced that there are some men who will never be able to shake the addiction no matter how much prayer, fasting and self-control they exert.

No, the difference was that those who were honest about it – with me, with their wives, with themselves – stayed committed to their families and their faith.

Those who tried to justify it, in every case I dealt with, turned their homes into a living hell. They became to some degree emotional abusers. They blamed their wives for not satisfying them. They blamed the Church. They began placing demands on their wives to engage in acts that I am sure virtually any woman would find degrading. They wanted their wives to pose for photos and videos to be posted on the internet – one man even did this surreptitiously. In a true Jekyll-Hyde transformation, they progressively became emotionally, verbally and often physically abusive to their children – not just in occasional outbursts, but as a constant dynamic. Eventually, each of them committed adultery. And each took pains to ensure that the inevitable divorce was as bitter and nasty as possible.

Now let’s go back to that first group, the honest ones. None of them under my ecclesiastical care – and they were many – ever cheated on his wife. None ever neglected or abused his children. Interestingly, unlike the other group, their addiction seldom if ever “progressed” into harder or more deviant territory. For them, it was a constant cycle of struggle and remorse.

So what am I saying? Pornography is not necessarily the danger sign. The real danger signs are deceit, self-absorption, self-justification, and callousness.

Wow. What I learned here is staggering. Glad I’m grabbing my purse and walking out the door.

The good bishop seems to know dr.evil.

I don’t care why they do it. I don’t care if they have FOO issues or were abused or have a PD. I do not care. I don’t. I don’t care if they fix it or not. I could give a shit. All a kid needs is one sane parent or one sane someone that loves them unconditionally. These men cannot love without conditions. If they try to be better people, well yay for them. All I know is that I don’t want to be around it. I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to try and fix it. I don’t want to try and police it. I want nothing to do with it.
I’m done. ALL DONE.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The longer I’m out, the more I realize how much shit I swallowed. This really isn’t standing by your man because he has fucking cancer. I’m not standing by someone with assholitis. I am like a blind woman who has learned to see (I’ve said that before too). I feel like I’ve escaped from jail. No not escaped, because then I would be afraid of going back. I’ve been released from jail. Found innocent. No parole or anything.
It’s a wonderful feeling.
Please go find your happiness and let these fucknuts go.