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Diane,
When she accused me of “punishing” him, my H did speak up to say that he thinks I’ve been very supportive, patient and understanding and he hasn’t “felt” punished at all. She has this “triangle.” Three unhealthy actions that place you “in” the triangle. Victim, persecutor and rescuer. So when he defended me she said, “Why do you feel the need to rescue her?” He just sort of looked perplexed and I said, “maybe because you won’t believe me and he knows that’s bullshit as much as I do because he spends all day with me not just 30 minutes here and there”Our insurance will only pay for each of us to have one session a week. He goes for two hours a week but one is billed as mine. Itās not the first psychologist Iāve had so this. Our insurance will not cover āmarriage counselingā so the psychologist simply bills one hour under my name and sees him and itās listed as needed in order to treat my depression. That his treatment is integral to resolving my depression issues. Which is true! Because of this I have to technically BE THERE physically if even just in the waiting room.
He and I talked at length this week. Since we basically have 8 sessions a month between the two of us I suggested that he do 3 sessions a month with her, I do 3 sessions a month with my own psychologist and we do 2 sessions a month for couples therapy. Although to be honestā¦ Iām still confused on couples therapy. I donāt see the purpose. I canāt think of a single marital problem aside from the sex addict behaviors! Let alone enough to spend two hours a month discussing. I am still looking for a psychologist that seems to have qualifications to fit my needs.
Iāve been reading up and I am finding that the CSAT should do the couples therapy since they are qualified to understand the impact of the sex addiction. Iāve been to marriage counseling with my XH. It has been my experience that you discuss issues the two of you feel need resolution or help. Not issues that neither of you think is a problem. She may āthinkā something is unhealthy but if me and my H are happy with it, I say leave it. Itās a matter of perspective. However my own personal counseling is none of HER business.
Karen,
We will be back in two days. And I plan to raise every one of your points and then excusing myself from the sessions after this week.Today I will spend two hours in ANOTHER psychologists office for back to back appointments for my daughter and step daughter. One for abandonment issues, the other for both abandonment issues and an anxiety disorder. I like this lady at least. We’ve known her for 8 years and she thinks my H and I are the greatest parents in the universe. So what’s not to like? lol
My daughter (age 13) decided to tell me at 9:30 PM last night that she is mad at me because her father abandoned her 7 years ago. She thinks I should DO something about it. I knew this day was coming. Itās natural. Sheās mad at him but heās not here to take it out on so she is lashing out at me. Her choosing NOW to take issue with this is just bad timing.
Kim,
Wishing you all the best with the girls today!! You are such an awesome Mama!! I can tell in all you say and do! I really hope your SAH gets his head out of his ass once and for all! You are a keeper!!!I think you are on to something with the couples counseling. I know it comes up from time to time… And all the expert sisters agree- there is no room/need for couples therapy until WAYYYY on down the road… When hubby has done lots and lots of work and made huge strides in recovery and the partner has done some healing of her own….etc. Perhaps someone smarter than I will jump in and share some valuable information on this. My SA didn’t have the opportunity for counseling of any sort (as far as I was concerned, because I was DONE after D day) but then again, that was after 17 years of lies, deception, “infidelities”, gas lighting, blame shifting, you know the drill…..
Thinking of you and the girls this afternoon….good luck!
Ok I’m probably going to get shot for this but Oh well……..another new negative experience.
I do not know this therapist so I do know what I’ve read. There seems to be a drama triangle going on and I think the therapist mentions it. My h grew up in chaos and looking back there was a drama triangle happening all the time. He would keep it going all the time.
Of course, at the time I wasn’t aware I was in it, bit now that I’m out of the relationship it’s very clear. There seems to me to be alot of drama going on at some level. I could be totally off and only bringing this up with all due respect. Just the fact this lady is still being analyzed seems dramatic to me. Ok you can shoot me now.
Love and NO drama, Nap
I spent the morning researching therpists. I found a local psychologist in my inssurance network. Her main focus of practice is on relationship issues but also treats PTSD, relationship trauma and sex addiction (not under patrick carnes), So I;m hoping she has the rounded out skills to handle my situation.
Thanks SL. You are so sweet. I’m going to send my step daughter in first so I have an hour to try to talk to my daughter and go through discussing some things. It’s ok to be mad. They are your feelings and you are entitled. ‘ I also would hope to explain to her that I think the person she is mad at is HIM. But he’s not here for her to direct it towards so she is lashing out at me. But I need to clear up some facts with her because she is basing her feelings on misinformation. The only response I gave her last night (as it was bedtime) was that my only job is to be a good mommy. Not a good mommy and a good dad, So I asked her if I was a good mom? She said yes, So I told her, “there I’ve done my job. You can be mad because I’m not doing other people’s jobs if you like but it will not change the situation. Her biological dad is the only one responsible for his performance as a father or lack their off.
Lock and loaded and my sites are set on NAP. hanaha
Venting of any sort is drama when you think about it. It’s. Triangulated behavior for sure. The person venting is the victim and whomever they are venting about is/are the persecutors. Anyone coming to the defense of the venting person is a rescuer. I theorize that this is one of the reasons crosstalk is not allowed at most step meeting. It would all be one big triangle all the time.
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