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I would get so blasted if I said this out loud, but I feel it, so may I whisper it here?
I don’t really think that I have 100% accepted what is happening in my marriage. I somehow think that deep down this is all going to go away. Part of me thinks that is why I am so heart sick every morning when I wake up. I am kind of in a state of shock every time I wake up and I am still in this situation.
So am I crazy? I mean this has been going on now for three years. We have been separated for over a year now. What part of this am I not getting?
I kind of feel like I am in a coma and I am going to wake up to this all being a bad dream. Is this whole thing slowly making me lose my mind? Part of me wonders how it all got to be this bad. It is almost like I am really just waiting for him to come back home and tell me that he lost his mind for a couple years. He is going to tell me that he has clarity now and would be honored if I would let him back into my life. I feel like he is going to tell me that he is going to anything and everything to prove how much he loves me and would never hurt me again.
WHAT IS THAT???????????????????????
WHY??????????????
Like I go off on these weird notions that this would happen? Than I come back to reality and realize that if he was going to do that, he would have done it along time ago.
It is just to sad and to hard to believe.
And I can’t help but review our 27 years together and see how I was not always a prize myself. Why can’t he just communicate with me. Why can’t he just tell me what the heck is going on? Why does he have to react in such a shamed little boy way? I know, I know, I know, it is the SA.
Is it something that I am missing? Is it something that I have created a barrier that prevents him from communicating to me. What if it is me? I mean I know it is not all me, but, what if it is me that was to shaming in my anger? AARRRGGHHH and than I know how ridiculous that even sounds. If he wanted to, and I meant that much to him. If our family and the time we have invested in each other means anything to him, he would be willing to go the distance.
I just feel like there are still to many pieces of the puzzle that are unanswered in my mind. I don’t have clarity so it is hard for me to draw an end to our marriage of 27 years.
Or is it just that I am not getting my way that is causing my frustration? Maybe I am really a spoiled brat who needs so much re-assurance that he has grown tired of my childish needs.
I hate feeling this way. I hate not having clarity. I hate not knowing. I hate worrying about my future.
Yea, sorry sisters, guess what? surprise, surprise…… I am down again.!!!!
Sometimes it’s easier to blame ourselves, because it gives us a sense of control. After all, if it’s YOUR fault, you can fix it. But you know, deep down, it’s not true, and that if you could fix it, it would already be fixed. This is not at all about you, Cindy. That might not be comforting to know right now, but one day–down the road–it will be.
Have you ever had anyone close to you pass away? If so… Remember the grief. The disbelief, the anger… The impossible task of trying to comprehend that you are never going ro see that person again. Poof they’re gone. Here one minute and gone the next. It’s surreal and almost impossible to wrap your mind around.
This is no different. You are grieving the loss of your marriage and grwiving the loss of the future you imagined. 27 years is a really long time. 27 year marriage. Poof. It’s gone. And I think having periods where thou are trying to wish it all away is normal. And it’s totally normal and ok to have completely irrational thoughts.
When my dad died I went through periods of irrational thinking. My husband (now x) gave me the news via a red cross telegram sent from the united states. He uses to play cruel jokes on me that he thought was funny. Like I’d be at a friends and he’d have the kids and call me and tell me to meet him at the hospital because the baby was sick. He’d let me get hysterical and then laugh.
So when my dad died and he told me… I wanted so bad for it to be a joke. That he had out done himself. And then when my aunt confirmed it I went through the irrational thinking of “maybe it’s not him. It’s somebody else’s body” Who cares that my mother was right next to him when he died and shed know who he is. Then I thought maybe it was a hoax. My mom was a meth addict. My dad would deal drugs to pay for her habit. He owed a ton of people money. (bill collectors) and it was within the realm of possibility that he could have a warrant out for his arrest. So I thought maybe he faked his own death to hide.
You get my point. I would grasp onto any irrational idea that ended in the possibility of seeing my father again.
It could be that your just doing sorta the same thing with your marriage.
Hi Cindy,
I just wanted to comment on:
Or is it just that I am not getting my way that is causing my frustration? Maybe I am really a spoiled brat who needs so much re-assurance that he has grown tired of my childish needs.
But here’s the thing. what needs of yours are childish? I don’t see safe sex, fidelity and respect as childish requests. Honesty. really, that’s being spoiled? It probably would feel that way after so many years of not getting them, but spoiled is far from the equation. We have settled somewhere for anything but spoiled. That is our fault. But the rest is them. It really is.
We can only get through this one day at a time and small doses over time. And the fact that you wish for the bad dream to end, and a wonderful husband to appear, I think is totally normal. We all struggle with reality vs. what we hope for. I hope in time, that we all come to the realization that we were real in the relationship. Even if they were not. And that it will be enough for us.I wonder if you are getting close to acceptance, and so there’s a kind of desperate attempt to find a reason not to accept the truth.
But even on this side of acceptance, I still stop and wonder where my life went and whether I’ve done the right things, if I should revisit the decisions. Like you, it was a long time–30 years. I still ask myself where do those 30 years now live—in fantasyland, in my imagination, in my history, in my dreams?
I call this my unexpected life. I actually wrote a daily collection of reading/prayers that I called “Unexpected Prayers for An Unexpected Life”. And it’s really really hard to leave the other life and step into the new one. Who of us doesn’t want someone to come and make it all go away and give us what we thought we had, back?
Kim’s remarks of grieving are bang on. We just don’t want it to be true. And then one day, we realize that we are wasting every single day of our unexpected life, trying to get an old one back that is never ever coming back because it didn’t really exist the way we thought it did.
Long time ago i suggested creating rituals for closure. We can talk more about this if anyone wants to.
Cindy, you are going to make it.
love,
Diane.Cindy,
I think what it is…is denial.
I wake up heartbroken every morning too. I try to go back to sleep, to escape. As soon as I am conscious, I have the thought, this is my life, this has really happened. I am stuck in the pain because, even though I do realize the reality of my situation, I have not accepted my options. So I remain frozen in indecision.
I don’t think most of us get all the answers, Cindy. We get some from them, some from books and counselors. Their silence and distancing behavior is an answer, just not the one we want.
Your husband left and you have to deal with his choice to abandon you. A woman in a group found peace when she realized he didn’t leave because of her, he left for his addiction. My husband is here and quiet, says no more counseling, is in no recovery program, has offered me no transparency, says he is the way he is, can’t wait to leave for work, will not allow me to share pain or negative views in conversation, will not comfort me in my pain. Still has secret packages shipped to secret locations. He has just turned the page and wants me to have amnesia. Diane just had a post that once you know, you know. and can you live with that? Oprah says…when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
What he has done and how he has behaved since then is who he is and what he wants. I think it’s so shocking to us in our 25 year marraiges. Our marraige, family and life is our identity. We want to believe what we thought was true.
Liza just had a good post about the coma. The trauma shuts us down and we process this information slowly. These are deep wounds that need to heal from the inside out.
I also had the same thoughts about “Is it me?” Everyone has their idiosyncrasies and every relationship has to make allowances for that, to forgive and seek forgiveness. I may have been a bit bossy, needy, bitchy at times but I didn’t do what he did to me. So, don’t go there, Cindy. It isn’t you.
I think that when we’ve done all we can do, and it doesn’t change, then we have to detach, to sever ourselves from the relationship in order to survive. That may mean starting in small ways like letting go of hope for change.
I am slowly making changes in myself. I’ve read enough books. I am making new friends. I am accepting that I do not have to have everything figured out before I make a move. I take Celexa to help me. I am doing what I call, Possibility thinking. I used to think that to imagine that my life could be different was a kind of infidelity… and I never went there, but now i think that is a kind of battered womans syndrome effect. So, I am taking an inventory of what makes a good love. It’s taken me a long time to shift from journaling my pain to listing hopes for the future.
I am leaving now to have dinner with a friend and give each other massages. She’s a physical therapist, it’s free and we both need it.
I hope you have a better evening.
Love, Debora
Dear friend Cindy,
I love what everyone has written to you. I hope you feel better knowing how much we all care about you.
We hold on tight to things we don’t want to let go of. You are holding on tight to your marriage because you don’t want it to end.
The reasons may vary as to why you are holding on. If you let go it means your life is going to change significantly and that may be very scary to you. And it really is scary because you have many unknowns. We were very dependent on our husbands to provide for us in many was and they jumped ship on us. Mine actually blew himself up after he jumped ship. So here we are forced to start over and we had no choice in the matter, hence the anger and rightfully so.
I think when your time comes to let go you will think it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be. You’re a really fun person with lots of interests and you have an adventurous spirit. I think you will embrace it and enjoy life again. O always wish you all the best Cindy and sad you are suffering so.
Love you, Nap
Cindy, I don’t know why anyone would blast you for saying what so many of us are also going through. The way you second-guess yourself and put yourself down reminds me so much of myself. There’s always this voice in my head piping up with, ‘But maybe you are being too x,y,z..’
When I read what you said about thinking he’ll come back in the door, the first thing that came to mind was how I felt..for a long time.. when my mom passed away. It’s going on two years now since she died, but I feel like it’s only fairly recently that I’ve really accepted that she isn’t coming back. It’s what grief does, Cindy. You aren’t going crazy. And I could be wrong, but it seems to me that your husband decided to take the easy way out by divorcing, because he’s nowhere near ready to face his addiction or face up to what he’s done to you. The fact that he’s not even trying to communicate seems like a hallmark of a sex addict in denial. I know that doesn’t help with the pain you’re in, but you haven’t done anything to cause this problem of his. His addiction, his inability to communicate has nothing to do with you or with any failing on your part at all. We try to make sense or find answers to something that doesn’t make any sense in the first place. As if it’s not bad enough to find out what they’ve done, they then go and act weirder than shjt on us in the aftermath. I’m so sorry, Cindy. Please be gentle on yourself, and try not to listen to those self-doubting voices. I know them all too well.
Love, Annie xoxoHi All,
I just wanted to add to our post. I noticed their were several references to grief and death. It is strange, I too think of my mother’s death (5 yrs ago) and compare it to what has gone on in this marriage. My mother died of pancreatic cancer — I will never forget her diagnosis. Stage 4. 5% survival rate. 5%. She lived 1 year after her diagnosis. All the while many stages, hope, denial, hope again, possibly increase her life to 5 more years, and then the inevitable. She left. The cancer took over. The end.
At first we can’t believe the extent of the loss. It just doesn’t seem possible at all, and yet it is. It’s irrefutable and unchangeable. We expect them to come home, to call, something anything. But their gone. As time goes on, our lives readjust.
Just recently I had to put my pet dog of 9 years to sleep. 2 days after Christmas. He was sick over holiday, H brought him in and there were tumors everywhere. While we were prepared to save him, at most he would have 4 mos to live. So we chose to have him put to rest. It was the shock of my life. I never expected to have to put him down. simply thought he ate something bad.
9 is an amazing number in my life. if anyone can comment on that I would like to hear. I found out year 9 that my H was SA from get go- was in total dark until then. My dog, we put down year 9, it sums upf all of my years of living and California. We stepped off plane a newlywed cple, got this dog. He’s been here with us from beginning. And now gone.
At first the energy of the whole house was off. My other dog sad. My six year old handling all beautifully, and wanted to know when she is getting another dog. H and I were overwhelmed, sad, made us realize our own mortality. How quickly life can change in one day,. I cried I grieved.
And now I am ok. Life has readjusted. I look forward to another pet perhaps. And appreciate the years I had with the dog. Almost more so than the ones with my husband. But my longwinded point here is, no matter how hard the grief may be, life can and will re adjust, align in the way needed.I can never thank all of you enough. I am trying to soak it all in. There are so many really, really good lessons that you wrote to me. The wisdom that all of you have is amazing. I am going to spend some time with all your words.
I have been feeling extra pressure because several things have happened in the last couple days. My Uncle died and my Mom has been having some serious health issues. My brother came here from Michigan and we are turning around and driving back there on Wednesday. I might be out of touch with all of this, but will try to keep up.
Thank you all.
I don’t know what I would do without all of you.
Love, Cindy
Cindy,
My deepest sympathy on the loss of your uncle. I hope your mom is getting better. Please keep us posted. Thinking of you at this difficult time.
Love, NapPam, I’m so sorry about your pet 🙁
Cindy,
Good Lord!!!! Take some deep breaths. You are going through some huge things here. Just take it one day at a time. One day you will wake up and come out of the fog that has been created by all this trauma and the sun will be shining just for you/Cindy, you’ve had some serious blows recently, the loss of your uncle, your mother’s serious health issues – these stresses added to the enormous stresses that our situation places us in – very, very tough. Please be very gentle on yourself and kind to yourself. I’m thinking of you.
Dear Cindy,
No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. I wouldn’t want to get up let alone handle a divorce I don’t want. Take care. We will all be here when you get back. Karen xxPam, sorry about your 4 legged friend. I put one down at 8yrs with kidney failure. SO HARD to do. Karen xx
Cindy,
You are not crazy, anyone who is facing what you are and does not experience doubts, fears, questioning, grief, and so much more, … would be CRAZY! You are a sensitive normal woman responding in the only sane way to an insane situation. Of course you want it to have a happy ending, aren’t we all trained in the ‘happily ever after’ camp? This is NOT what we were expecting at all. We spend countless hours wondering why, what we could have done, etc. etc. And I think it may be a blessing if we don’t ever understand, because that means we can not go to that dark deep soulless place where these things are rational, predictable and plausible. The trick is to be able to move on emotionally without completely understanding what happened. I’m not there yet. And I have nowhere near the investment in my relationship that you have.
So many beautiful sisters have shared already, things I agree with. Just want to say, I think you’re expressing yourself with complete honesty and that is NOT a crazy person speaking.
HI Cindy,
Just to let you know I am thinking about you and hope you are ok and we see you soon. Karen xx
Me too, Cindy. And I am so sorry about the loss of your uncle and that your mom hasn’t been well. Hope you’re doing ok. xoxo
Cindy,
I am so sorry I didn’t post on this sooner. I think something about it hit me hard, and I pushed it to the back of my mind. I thought I was doing so well with my “detachment and plans to move on.” But then all of a sudden, I feel like I’m moving backwards. So here is where I’m at tonight:
I’m just feeling sad and blah. I’ve actually been doing really well lately. For the next couple of weeks, I’m working full time at my school, because they needed extra help and asked me. On the one hand, a lot of stuff at home isn’t getting done; on the other; I actually enjoy being there, in the company of adults and students. It feels energizing and productive (as well as distracting). But all of a sudden, here it is Friday night. Sure enough, I’m keeping busy by catching up on all of the crap that needs to be done (while SAH is out smoking cigars with buddies). Still, without a warning, a pang hits me. It’s not the pang of betrayal and lying, but the pang of feeling like I’ve never had (and never will have) someone hopelessly in love with me. I know that’s a romantic notion, and that even in the best of relationships, the honeymoon phase is just a phase. But I also know that phase becomes something deeper and richer over time. I guess I’m still mourning the pretend life I had. I just feel lonely and sad. And here’s a kicker: my brother and sister-in-law renewed their vows last Sunday, after 25 years of marriage. My first thought, instead of feeling instant joy for THEM, was a pang of sadness for myself, and dare I say…envy? Jealousy? I thought my husband and I would be doing that this past September for our 20th. (He even agreed to it a year ago, while unbeknownst to me, he was still acting out. F-it; I hate that stupid, childish phrase: “acting out”!!!!!). Anyway, of course, I’m happy for them. But I’m angry that I’m still at a point where my FIRST feeling was sadness for myself…I resent that this addiction/compusion/whatever still clouds my view of life and casts a shadow over things. I hate that it makes me feel ugly, sad, angry. I’m trying so hard to see the SILVER LINING, but then the black cloud comes back without warning, and that pisses me off. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll really feel strong for more than a few weeks at a time. Anyway, I guess the point of this was to reassure you that you are in no way alone. I relate more than you could ever know. And don’t second-guess your beautiful self. I’m so sorry also for the loss of your uncle, and for what your mom has been going through.
Pam, I’m so very sorry about your dog. I don’t even want to think about the day when I will lose my precious pets.
XOXO, JulieAwww…. Some of these posts just simply break my heart. Zgirl- you get to me every time!! And what else can we say but THIS JUST FLAT OUT FUCKING SUCKS!!! I hate it for me and I hate it for all the sisters! I was just thinking tonight- you know how freaked out someone can get, say, as an adult and they find out they’re adopted… It changes everything and I mean EVERYTHING! Their whole life passes before their eyes! Or a person finds out that someone else is really their DAD. Ugh. Everything changes! The lies, the facades, the coverups….
Just like SA- we find out and our marriages, our entire marriages flash before our eyes! We have an out of body experience….we are in shock. I feel like their will be a small part of us that never really gets over this. And why WOULD we? Think of the magnitude. We’re not crazy- we’re just with a crazy person! (Well… I’m not, thank God) but I sure as hell WAS- for many of my adult years!I liked what Lynn said – the trick is to move on emotionally without completely understanding what happened. Let’s face it- WE NEVER WILL! And that’s ok, because it HAS to be. Personally, I’m GLAD I will never fully understand. I don’t WANT to understand what it’s like to be so mentally ill.
I can really relate to how you feel, Cindy and others. You all know how far I’ve moved along. But, I still think of my exSAH husband often. We still communicate because we have loose ends to tie up. I’m actually kinda happy to speak with him now and then. Mainly, because we get along so much better now. The pressure is OFF, for both of us. Sure, I’m still mad at him, sad for us, sad for him and his miserable life, sad for our friends who are devastated, families, etc. But the truth is, I still miss my exhusband. For the life of me, I don’t know WHY. He made me miserable 80% of the time. So, I guess it’s that other 20 that still has me hanging. We shared good times, we had traditions, we were comfortable together…(sort of). Sometimes, I’ll call him up with a half ass question- but mainly it’s because I miss him and want to hear his stupid voice. 🙁 But, Im gonna be patient and let time take care of the rest.
Julie, don’t be so sad. There is definitely someone out there to love you to pieces! (I do!!!) Ha! I know, not the same! But seriously, you are a beautiful woman, inside AND out…and there are many “someone’s” who would love you- I promise! I think you are confusing that with the sadness of SA not loving you! But remember, he is not capable of truly loving ANYONE….not just you! Still, I get it. We all do.
There IS room and hope for new possibilities. It CAN happen to you. It WILL happen to you….if you get strong enough to get yourself free! It’s time to stop wasting our precious energy on these dudes. Way past time! So easier said than done- but it CAN happen! You are perfectly normal with your feelings of sadness and doubt. These, too, shall pass! Hang in there and take care of YOU for a change! I know you are getting better at that! Think of all the Christmas presents you keep buying for yourself (in the name of SA) ha, because the stupid jerk didn’t get you anything! Ugh! I will be with you each step of the way!!
Cindy- I hope you are holding up! You have a lot on your plate! You are loved and missed when you have to take a break! You have came SO FAR already!! Condolences to you and your family for the loss of your dear Uncle. XO!!
Pam- so sorry about your dog! My brother always says “get a pet and get a tragedy!” (from a guy who has two beloved dogs instead of kids!!) Your dog was a family member and we all completely understand the loss. I’m glad you are slowly getting back to normal.
Love to ALL sisters,
SL
Julie, don’t beat yourself up for having such a human reaction in the face of your brother and sister-in-law renewing their vows. These aren’t normal times; your life has been shattered and you’re more vulnerable than you’ve probably ever been, so how could you not feel envy? The fact that this feeling even bothers you at all shows what a good person you are. Cut yourself some slack, honey. xoxo
Dear Z girl,
EVERYTIME I see what appears to be a happy couple of ANY age I am struck by the loss I feel inside.And a large part of that loss is EXACTLY what you said…..that I will likely never know what it would have felt like to have a man really love me, really respect me and really care about me. I may still have opportunities for other good things in my life…other positive experiences…but I don’t think the former is going to happen for me. I understand how you feel and I am sure I am not the only one.
As to you catching up on housework on Friday nights…while your husband “hangs out with his buddies”….well…THAT would have been the first thing I shut down after after finding that video, Julie….followed by every positive pleasure he has. You make his life too easy…too comfortable.You have protected him and his discusting life. Perhaps it is because you are a lady that you conduct yourself with grace and restraint. Me….I would ram that cigar up that prick’s ass…in front of his buddies! You have come so far, Julie and I know you are going to make it. I sincerely hope I am here to see the day you drop kick alot more than the bedroom door. You are the silver lining Julie….just as you are. Your husband is the black cloud. You are moving forward. Keep the faith. I think you are bloody wonderful. Karen xxThanks, friends! You are all amazing!! (Karen, are you from the UK? If so, I don’t think I knew that. I love seeing the word “bloody.” Puts a huge smile on my face. Yeah, I know–it doesn’t take MUCH!! :))
Karen, I know what you mean about Friday nights with the buddies, and we’ve gone round and round about it, and I have mixed feelings. There have been MANY nights when I’ve actually welcomed it, so I could have my space and just be alone (and talk to SL on the phone for hours!!). It’s also tricky because the buddies are 2 good guys–mutual friends–I have no problem with them. I’m also to the point where, in the bigger picture, I’m OVER IT. He’s not a child, even though we use stupid phrases like “acting out.” I probably shouldn’t complain about him being with the guys, if I’m not going to do anything about it, but I’m complaining in more of an eye-rolling way, if you know what I mean.
Hope you are all having a good weekend–as good as can be expected!!! XOXOXO
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