Please give me your advice

Dearest sisters,

I am so grateful for each and every one of your caring and thoughtful responses. I am deeply touched and given hope by your words.

I tire of trying to heal. Like a bodily infection or chronic illness, I feel limited to change the painful sickness inside of me. Though I will continue to try to do my part each day.

Today, I will try to cast all my “worried what my h is looking at and doing now” into the sea of waste. For everyone of those thoughts does absolutely nothing for my situation (except perhaps remind me what he is truly capable of, even though he appears to be happily married).

I need to work on my master’s degree homework. This is my first week I have not turned in a paper or some posts on time. I am not stressing, just a little disappointed in myself.

As for the doc I contacted…I will try to call today, since JoAnn stated that email isn’t the best way to connect.

My son and his financee went grocery shopping with me yesterday (my most dreaded responsibility). They helped unload and cut up veggies and fruit too. My son said, “You are the most giving, self-sacrificing mother. You will just stop and help me with what I need in my life. I have seen other mothers, and they are not all like that.” I replied, “You are easy to love.” It was very loving and kind of him. He has expressed a lot of appreciation lately.

My daughter, daddy’s girl, was with me for a while yesterday. When dad is not there it goes so much better for me. We had a nice time. She is a hair-dresser and she cut and colored my hair. I am thankful for the good times.

Also, my parents watched the DVD by Douglas Weiss (Helping Her Heal) and were quite taken by it. My mother said she starting to understand more of my feelings and she suggested my h and young adult children watch it. (I am still figuring out who would find value in it.)

Anyway, I will keep TRYING to throw out my fishing line with all my worry-thoughts cast out to sea. I am hoping when I reel it in, there will be a fish (or some part of me that I have lost) to make me more whole again. (I lost myself, but I will keep searching to find me. Where did I set me??? Where did I last see me? LOL)

Take care sisters. I will update you about any changes.

Again, I appreciate your life support! B. Trayed

P.S. While reading Barbara’s book, I noticed a section on all-or-nothing thinking. I am guilty of that sometimes, so I am working on that. For example, even though my kids have discounted TOTALLY what daddy has done for 20 years and have not been supportive in him taking recovery steps, I used to think they would totally disown me if I separated. (Tried it once for 3 days and it was not pretty!) Now, though they might, I do think they would see me sometimes;I would still be their mom. So, that is good. I don’t want to have these cognitive distortions. They only hurt me and keep me out of reality. So I am glad for that bit of self-awareness. I guess, though not so beautiful, that was finding a part of myself. Hugs