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I’m trying to re-enter the marketing field that I was in before having four kids in 20 months 12 years ago (yes, I’m an over-achiever). It’s not been as easy as I anticipated. I have worked in other fields while raising the kids (real estate and placing au pairs) but it was always a side-line (well – sometimes it was definitely more than that).
The two jobs that I applied for that I’m excited about are: 1) Account exec at an ad agency that promotes Charleston and Isle of Palms. The folks there look older (unlike many ad agencies where they have youngens to burn out).
2) Director of Communications for the swank golf club on our Island. (Daniel Island Club). Please say a prayer for me…..crossing fingers.
The other thing that is going on that I could use some advice on is our 13 year old daughter. She has made friends here in Charleston since we moved here in Sept. but she has now cut them off over Christmas break. She says that she makes up excuses not to do things with them. She is completely focused on getting back to CA, including finding jobs for me to apply to in SF and housing (we would have to live in a 1500 sq. foot 3 bdr. townhouse with four of us). She is unrelentless. She says that she doesn’t know what she’ll do if we don’t move back. She alternates between raging (she kicked a hole in a wall downstairs while I was in CA), and lethargy (she sleeps a lot). I told her that she is very likely biochemically depressed. It’s hard to watch. Before Christmas I took her to a therapist who said that she can’t really do much for her unless she wants help. It’s very tough to watch. There are many a day when I just want to pack up and move back to CA – despite the fact that the rest of the family likes it here. My heart is breaking…. Any advice?
Oh – and btw, we just fired our nanny. She was really getting on our nerves (like having a fifth child). We are going to rent out our FROG apt since money is tight (with some exchange for homework help).
Deb
Oh Deb… You are in my prayers. Stay positive. I know it so so so hard. Good thing will come your way. I can’t imagine how hard it is right now for your daughter. You are a great mom that is so concerned for your family. Stay strong. Sending you positive energy today.
I will be praying for you Deb. I so hope you can get a job that you like and that will give you a financial break.
I would insist that your daughter see a counselor/therapist. She needs to talk to someone. You may already be doing this but I thought I would throw that out there. It can be rough at that age. It would probably be a good idea to spend some one on one time with her too. I know with 4 that can be so hard but she may need a little extra TLC 🙂
I will send all the best energy I have for you to get the perfect job Deb, you deserve some positive things in your life.
As for your teen, that’s just shitty that you didn’t get more direction from that counselor (another story of bad counselors).
We can all understand the confusion and turmoil she is going through with all the changes and chaos in your lives. The counselor should have at least given you some guidelines to help make her feel secure.
It seems as though, in my opinion, that your daughter has not been shown firm boundaries about who makes decisions in your family. If she feels that you are waffling on moving back she will push it and push it. And, that lack of firm parental guidance only adds to her insecurity. I feel that she needs to know that you are in charge, even though she may say she hates it, at least she will know that decision is not up for discussion.
I found this article on teens and boundaries that might help:
Do your teenagers really want boundaries? While I’m sure they will never seriously say to you, “Can you please add some more restrictions to my life?” they really do want to know what’s expected of them and what the consequences of violating boundaries will be. In homes where parents set clear boundaries for their kids’ behavior, kids are actually less likely to rebel – especially when parents take the time to discuss their expectations with them. Why would your kids want you to set boundaries for them in the first place? Let me give you five reasons.
1. Boundaries provide a sense of comfort. When kids clearly know what is expected from them, the result is a sense of comfort. They don’t have to be concerned regarding what you may or may not require of them behaviorally – or fear that you will constantly change the rules.
2. Boundaries provide a sense of security. Kids really do want to know what is right and what is wrong. They want some guidance in navigating life. Teenagers will still test the limits from time to time, but clear boundaries provide the stability and security that will allow them to thrive.
3. Boundaries mark out the “playing field” for freedom. Imagine two teams playing football – but without the playing field being marked in any way. Imagine the players having no way to tell what was “in bounds” or what was “out of bounds”. In the game of football, a marked playing field is foundational to playing the game. On a marked playing field, players know where their boundaries are. Similarly, kids want their parents to set clear boundaries for them so they can know their “playing field” – where they can roam freely “in bounds”. Boundaries, in this way, actually create freedom – and teenagers want to be able to experience and learn to handle freedom within the boundaries that have been created.
4. Most teenagers don’t really want to be totally free and responsible for themselves at this point in their lives. Kids who have no boundaries and are completely on their own regarding behavioral decisions tend to feel isolated and are at risk for giving into peer pressure. Kids whose parents have set clear boundaries for them, experience freedom within the boundaries and can use these boundaries as reasons to say no to inappropriate behaviors. Generally, kids who have clear boundaries simply fare better behaviorally than those kids who don’t have clear boundaries.
5. Kids want to gain their parents’ trust – the trust that results from living within clear boundaries. Trust is a vitally important issue for teenagers. They aren’t dumb. They know that having your trust is the pathway to greater freedom and ultimately to adult independence. Kids who don’t have clear boundaries experience greater difficulties earning their parents’ trust because they are left to themselves to make behavioral decisions that may or may not turn out to be acceptable. On the other hand, kids who have clear boundaries and live within those boundaries understand that they are regularly making deposits into your “trust” account. This, of course, doesn’t mean that kids with boundaries don’t ever violate those boundaries or ever struggle with earning or regaining trust with their parents. Most do from time to time. Still, with boundaries in place, your kids will have a greater understanding of how to build trust with you.
I know sometimes I sound like the ‘Boundary Queen’ around here, but I believe that setting firm boundaries, especially for children (and people who act like children) can go a long way toward making YOUR life a lot easier.
Advice given with love and concern for your daughter and you ~ JoAnn
Good luck, Deb.
I would not give up on your 13 year old. Maybe find several therapists and let interview them to see if she likes one to get her buy in? Offer her a reward like a trip to CA this summer to visit her friends or flying one out to visit her if she works with one? Or maybe you could work with a therapist to help her? Together? I have done both of these when my son wasn’t able to work directly with a therapist.
Is she exercising? Involved in any after school activities?
I understand how helpless it feels to watch a child suffer and not know how to help them or have them reject your offers of help. I feel so inadequate at times. I have found that when I stop being a parent and just tell my son gently that it hurts when I see him like that, or I don’t know what to do and I feel inadequate, that he is more likely to start taking care of himself (therapist suggestion). I do it VERY sparingly because I don’t want him to feel like he needs to take care of me. And I compliment him when he does things to help himself.
Hang in there. With teens it’s so hard to know how much to engage and how much to give them space. Whatever we want them to do we risk them rejecting it just because we are asking because they can be so contrary. Sometimes they get angry when we offer to help because it implies that they can’t take care of themselves, which they usually desperately want to do. But she is acting out because she can’t handle it on her own. Does she have a trusted aunt or friend’s mom that could talk to her?
Keep us posted.
I’m sorry Deb, I missed the part where you said you tried a counselor. I might keep trying ..
I agree with JoAnn 100% on the boundary thing. She cannot be allowed to believe that enough pouting/acting out etc will get her what she wants.
I agree kids need boundaries, JoAnn. They also need to push against those boundaries, too, to test them and see if you really mean it. And some test more than others.
Thanks for all the advice….I knew my wise sisters would have some good advice…and look what I’ve gotten in 5 minutes! You are amazing.
She keeps saying that she “just wants to know if we are going to stay here or not”….and when will she know? But in the same breath, she says she doesn’t know what she’ll do if we don’t move back to CA. I keep telling her that it just depends on where I get a job…. She says that she has always dreamed of going to Tam High (the high school in CA) and it’s her home. (which of course breaks my heart). I think she is living in a fantasy…..
I’m sure her angst is a function of our lives being up in the air. My husband vacillates between staying on disability until he is 69 and getting another job. Right now, his cognitive abilities are impaired, so I can’t see him getting a job that would allow us to live in CA. To live in Marin, we would both need to be on very good salaries….(e.g. $400k+) as housing is very expensive. If we stay in SC, where housing is half the cost (among other things), we can live comfortably on $200k. My SAH gets $120k a year in disability and I think I can make $80k+. If we move back to CA, we would need to live on a tight budget and make a lot of compromises.
Deb
In answer to your questions: she doesn’t do any after school activities (she was in gymnastics but stopped that), and she doesn’t exercise. I have told her that exercise gives the body natural “happy pill stuff”. I think I’m going to take her out for a walk. She is wallowing.
And I’m going to tell her that she can fly a friend out if I get a job and if she goes to counseling….great idea on trying out a few.
And I’m going to have a chat about the reality of the situation. She keeps saying that we just aren’t trying hard enough to move back to CA….she is living in fantasyland.
Deb
Deb, your daughter has clearly stated what she needs.
She keeps saying that she “just wants to know if we are going to stay here or not”….and when will she know?
Once she knows that she will be able to figure out what she will do if you don’t move back to CA. And trust me, she will deal with it, that’s how children learn coping skills.
It’s not our job as parents to make life as easy as possible for children, it’s our job to help them learn how to deal with life’s challenges.
As long as you have not made that decision she will always feel insecure. Can you make that decision? Can you make that final decision, based on all the facts you have, and stick to it?
I think a final decision would help all of you. When there are too many options we tend to flounder. When we have made a firm decision and know there are no other options we tend to dive in 1,000% and make it work.
Just my opinion ~ JoAnn
Thanks Joann – it really does come down to where I get a job. So, I’m working really hard to find a job. I know that will help settle everyone down. It’s been a hard, long road.
Yes, a job would really settle things. But, if you don’t find a job there is it really an option to go back to CA? You give so many compelling facts against that, the biggest being the cost of living.
I’m just thinking out loud, as if this were my dilemma. Going to CA without a job just sounds like financial suicide to me. Moves cost money, it upsets everyone and there is no guarantee of a job there.
The cold hard economic facts are that jobs are scarce everywhere and god help us all, but the future does not look that bright. I hurt so badly for all the families out there that are struggling because of the financial fiasco that our government has created.
I wish I had a crystal ball for you Deb. I wish I had answers, but I don’t. All I know is that I think moving back to CA is not a good idea, and holding on to that dream is only frustrating everyone in your family.
Hugs ~ JoAnn
I also think having a friend from CA fly out to visit could be great. You know kids at that age all hate something. Could be that her friend would see your new area and tell your daughter how lucky she is to be out of San Fran. I agree with the others that say the decision has to be yours. The cost of living issue is huge and if you could just concentrate your job search in SC, I am sure you could get something that would allow you to live comfortably. CA is just so expensive. I have a sister there, and we paid the same for our houses almost 20 years ago and she could fit her entire house on the first floor of mine. If finances are an issue then SC makes much more sense. Once that decision is made you will find a job, because your focus will be concentrated on your new area. Can I ask what brought you to SC in the first place? It is such a beautiful area you are in. I am envious 🙂
Deb I think it’s wonderful you are trying to get a job. You have come so far. How exciting to see this next adventure unfold. Wishing you lots of luck. I’m sure you will sell yourself well to future employers. I would hire you!!!
Good luck too with your daughter. That’s such a tough age. I would not want to be a teenager these days. She’s lucky tho to have a mom who is very in tune to her emotions. Keep staying close to her. This too shall pass.
Can’t wait to hear how the jobs go!!
Deb, will your husband’s disability pay continue until he is 69? If so consider yourselves extremely lucky as most long term disability has time limits.
Also, and please don’t take this wrong, but I know a lot of families with four children that live very well on way less than $120K per year. Have you sat down with your budget and figured out where you can cut things? If you did that it would take the pressure off of you to find a high paying job as $80K jobs are hard to find these days.
Just thinking out loud. ~ JoAnn
Joann – good point. We could live in a smaller house (but not CA size)…we did manage to accumulate debt trying to live in CA with 4 kids (sports, orthodontists, etc. are exorbitant!). We have knocked the debt down 50% through negotiating (if anyone needs the name of the guy we used, I highly recommend him). But we still owe back taxes and credit card debt. Our fault, I know – and we are digging ourselves out of it.
The good news is that everything is just about half price here….from our son’s gymnastics (he was State Champ in CA), to doctor’s (and we have a lot of those!). I’m going to go on a walk with my daughter later today and break the news to her. It’s not going to happen. I doubt I can earn twice the amount in CA….and even if I do – well, we will live in a shoe box.
Yes – luckily my SAH can get long term disability until age 69. I confirmed that with his insurance company (Hartford, though his former employer, FICO) last week. His company had a good policy, I suppose. Anything that he gets from the State (which he is now) or the Feds come out of it, but they make him whole at 70% of his previous base salary. I would imagine if his cognitive abilities bounce back, then they would cut him off. Time will tell.
Thanks for helping me “think through” this stuff. I appreciate it.
Deb
Deb,
I will keep you in my prayers ~ praying that divine providence will lead you to find the best job & place you in the best living environment for all.Good Luck & God Bless!
I second Deborah’s thoughts!
Deb, I have a background in Marketing as well, so if you ever want to bounce anything off of me (I’m a huge proponent of a “second set of eyes”!), please feel free to message me directly. Happy to proofread and chime in if you’d like another opinion on anything. I’m dedicated to Internal Communications now, but can certainly put on my MarComm hat when it’s called for. I love any Communications-related work! Amy
Sending you prayers Deb. I opt for the simple life…I see no point in putting yourself in a situation where you need to earn half a million in order to survive either. I think it will benefit your daughter to know the decision is final too. I moved one at that age…it was hard but he survived. She will too.
Karen xxDeb,
Wishing you all the best with your job prospects and your dear daughter. Having her friends come out I think would be great for her. My best friend move away in HS and every spring break about 4 of us flew out to see her had a blast. Lots of good memories.
Love, NapPS but my parents wouldn’t let me fly out to see my boyfriend at the Airforce Academy when I was a senior. I was going to stay with his Aunt and Uncle. Bummer!
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