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My husband has been saying that he will give me whatever I want w the kids and money in the short term so long as we don’t have to involve lawyers and I will let him try to “win me back.” I have said that I want temporary orders in place so all this stuff is documented w the court (as opposed to an email communication). He still has said he doesn’t want to involve lawyers but will if the purpose is to give some structure to the situation and in the meantime he can try to win me back. I sent him an email last night saying that I want a divorce, essentially that there is no chance for reconciliation bc otherwise I fear I will be in this limbo torture I’ve been in for the past ten months. I find it very hard to fight against his desperate pleas and melodramatic attempts to salvage things bc it is so confusing when his actions don’t match up. And even if they did I wouldn’t trust it, I don’t think. I’m concerned that w more time he will weasel his way back in and I don’t think that is a good thing for me or my kids in the long run. However by cutting off his hope I have also possibly put him into attack mode and perhaps I could have gotten him to agree to a lot of stuff before telling him I was done. In truth though, as I said above, I think NOT drawing the line in the sand would have been more damaging to me emotionally. AND, per CL’s post about Real Regret – I believe that if he truly does feel remorse for what he’s done, he will continue to agree to give me what I want despite the fact that I’ve cut off hope. And if he doesn’t, it may not go as well for me on the legal front, but it will go a long way toward validating my decision to end things.
I think you’re doing fine Anne. Focus on what’s best for you and the kids and not on him. You are already seeing he’s just talking the talk, not walking the walk so you’re already ahead. The reality is, if he wants to get nasty, he will regardless of what you do or don’t do so just keep on trusting your gut.
Hugs,
DaisyAnne so sorry you are going through this. Its true what the sistas feel though, its all about you now. Just brace yourself for the worst behaviour from him but having these super sistas will take you through the toughest situations.
I want to know what this “win you back” shit is. I get that all the time, that same crappy line. Really? Am I a fucking prize that you lost due to your perversion, infidelity and selfish asshole self? So how is it that now after x amount of hellish time you have perpetrated on your family I should even CONSIDER letting you think you can “win me back”? Some things we do not come back from. I am afraid this is one of them.
Anne, your gut instinct told you exactly where you stand and that clarity is gold. Of course he will try to change your mind. You may have lost a little leverage, but the sisters are right.
Even if you do EVERYTHING 100% right, he’s gonna do stupid, irresponsible, unexpected things that throw the whole thing into a tailspin. It’s what they do. Its’ why we’re here.
So what did you lose, really?
Hang onto that clarity, it’s the best weapon you’ve got in this crazy war. Sure, leading them along while they think they are “winning you back” (which is how I got my separation papers signed when everyone said it would never happen without a huge legal fight, said it would show me he actually did trust me enough so that he wouldn’t go looking for other women he could “trust with his feelings” Yeah, he said that about whores. as opposed to, um, his wife. That’s another story.)
Bargaining chips are only valuable if the other player has cash to back up his chips. SAs bargain with stuff they have NO INTENTION of ever honoring. Bargaining with SAs is a crap shoot. Even if you win, you gotta hire some Guido attorney or Private Investigator to squeeze them to get their payup.
I like your first response. I want a divorce.
Mine told me once that he wanted to “be my champion” again someday. Uh…don’t think so. Champion what? Stripper fucker? Pud puller? (I owe that one to you Monique) It’s a bit too late for me to ever trust that he will be a champion husband or father or even a champion friend much less be any of those things “again” since it wasn’t real the first time around.
I think you did a brave & courageous thing, Anne. You are speaking your truth and he can hear it or he won’t. In my experience, it will take a lot more for him to “hear it” but I agree that allowing him to try to “win you back” would just continue the emotional abuse/manipulation at a very dangerous cost to you.
I think Daisy said it so succintly – if he’s going to get nasty, he’ll get nasty so hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
OMG!! Daisy, I got sooooo much mileage out of that “I want to be your champion” line. Do they all say this dribble? They MUST have a playbook.
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