Please Welcome Our New Sister, kaykay84, And Read Her Story Here

I am not even sure if I am in the right place, but I just have not found anything online or in books to really help me. My husband had a 9 1/2 month long affair based on BDSM…bondage specifically. We have been married 7 years and together 11 years. Bondage was always a part of our relationship until about 4 years ago when I decided I did not want to do it anymore. I had no idea how deep it ran for him, I thought we were just having fun. But i now know it was more to him. Last September a woman, fat and ugly btw, offered it to him and he took her up. It led to an affair, she was pregnant with someone elses kid too. He was telling her he loved her too, which hurts even more. He now tells me he didn’t love her, he loved BDSM and she was the tool to administer his drug. I am not sure if he is a “Sex addict” exactly, but his affair had to do with a fetish. He told me on May 6, but told me a dumbed down version of the truth and kept seeing and talking to her, but no sex, in order to keep all his secrets and lies straight. I finally got the full truth and he ended the affair completely on July 5. I love him so much. We have a good relationship and 2 beautiful kids. I struggle with moving on, forgiving, understanding how he could do this to me. He is clearly remorseful. I want to make my marriage work and was hoping for some positive stories to give me hope.

Hi kaykay, no wonder you’re confused. Your situation is confusing. There are a lot of complexities in your story- and frankly, in all of ours. I suggest you start reading what is posted in the various topics here and begin to digest the journeys of those who have gone before you. Some here have tried to reconcile but it couldn’t work, others are able to reconcile and rebuild their lives together in some fashion that works for them, and yet others, like myself, are in the process of sorting it out. Something I think we all have in common is how disoriented and confused we are in the early days, and how our story,needs, and bottom lines change over time as we sift through the facts, fictions, and fantasies. I know how awful this is for you. I know the emotional soup you are swimming in. Treat yourself gently and know you do not need to make a permanent decision about staying, forgiving, your sex life, or anything else right now. Many of us have found that marriage counseling in the early days was not helpful because the whole truth is likely not out yet no matter how much remorse and regret your h shows. I’m sorry you had to find yourself here, and I hope you can take your time to read and reflect on the collective wisdom of the women here. Welcome.

Welcome KayKay. I hope you can find comfort here and lots of information to digest and read. As mentioned before look after yourself. I find I worry so much about what my. H is doing I forget to look after my life and my children. Sending hugs

Hi KayKay,

A very warm welcome to you. I am a little bit confused by your post too as I’m not sure if you are saying your husband went elsewhere for bondage because you would not give it to him anymore OR he went elsewhere because he likes variety with his bondage. I’m also not certain why you gave it up IF you also enjoy it? You might have think more about that one and ask yourself if you enjoy it because you enjoy it, or you want to include it because you hope it will keep him from straying, as that is an important distinction. In any event, do some reading here and see if you recognize yourself or your husband in some of the stuff you read? I hope we can help you unravel your feelings. We all know how much it hurts to be betrayed.
Hugs, Karen

Hi Kaykay and welcome. I have to admit its to sad to have to welcome another sista to this site. It is also comforting to know that you are able to vent and express whatever you wish here, this is such a safe place which allows you to make sense of what you are feeling even when it doesn’t feel right. I am glad you found us and I know you will find lots of support here,

Welcome KayKay,

So sad that you experienced the betrayal that led you to the sisterhood. It’s a wonderful thing to have this community for support, but the reason for being here stinks.

Reading your post, what struck me is that you were in a relationship where you were both acting in trust in a mutual relationship and it worked for both of you. Trust is absolutely crucial when enacting bondage. Then he went outside that trust, and lied about his sexual activity.

For any marriage, loss of trust is a devastating blow. For one with the increased vulnerabilities of bondage, I can’t imagine continuing at all. He is endangering you in so many ways, and maybe endangering other women, too.

I’m so sorry for your pain, sister. Hope the sisters bring you some comfort and help you process this experience. Without them I’d be lost.

Hugs,
Lynn