Please Welcome Our New Sister, lostintranslation (sofia)

Dear LIT, welcome to the Sisterhood. We’re here to help when you’re ready to share. This is a safe place. The warm and caring women here have saved my life. I’m glad you found your way here.

Hugs,
Daisy

Welcome! I hope you find SOS as helpful as I have. I don’t know what I’d do without these ladies. Hugs!!

Thank you JoAnn and everyone for the warm welcome.

Here is my story (I’m so sorry it’s long!):

My name is Sofia. I am 41 and I live in NYC. I was previously married for 7 years and have a daughter from my first marriage. She is now 8. When I met my SA, like many partners of SAs I’ve met, I thought he was a dream come true. He’s sweet, kind, affable, good looking, successful and treated me with so much love. He was also divorced and has a son who is now 6. He told me that his first wife had cheated on him and that’s why they are divorced. (I laugh about that now.) We had the most amazing sex life and we had a really beautiful life with two beautiful kids and a cute dog and a beautiful apartment in NYC.

Looking back, I see now that there were many red flags I chose to ignore. But the biggest was that he had slept with an old flame three weeks into our relationship. But seeing as the relationship was so young, we moved past it.

This picture perfect life shattered on November 3, 2012 – just after Hurricane Sandy, on our first anniversary. DDay. He admitted to me that he went through my emails (which I kept open on my laptop) to see if I was in touch with anyone from my past. I was upset but I didn’t have anything to hide. So I told him to keep it fair, let me see your phone. He handed me his phone nonchalantly. I didn’t see anything since he only had it synced for the last 7 days. So I changed his phone settings so that it would sync ALL. And that’s when I saw emails to other women. And then the truth just started coming out. While being with me, he not only slept with his old flame, he slept with his 24yo office receptionist in the office bathroom. He had tried to bring her into our home while I was away on business, bring her into our bedroom while his son was sleeping 10 feet away in the next room. He has also seen shemale prostitutes and gone to massage parlors numerous times every time I would travel for business. He also tried to sleep with two other work colleagues. He had also admitted to looking for women to sleep with on Facebook and LinkedIn. He also admitted to finding the shemale prostitutes on Eros.com and would look for prostitutes on this site everytime he traveled. (Eros.com is all over the US, the UK, and Europe – which is where he travels.)

I was the one who told him that he was a sex addict. We were both reeling. His sisters and mom came down from MA and his ex wife also came. (Turns out he had cheated on her HUNDREDS of times in the 7 years they were married.) We had an intervention. He was so full of shame and guilt.

And like every partner of a SA, I went online and I found numerous resources and read numerous books. I was in a state of trauma.

He immediately signed up for inpatient rehab at SRI – a two week program which helped him greatly. He came back just before Christmas and two weeks after that, he had to travel to Paris for a 2-week business trip. I joined him for the last week of the trip. Prior to my arrival, he slipped and masturbated while sucking on a water bottle. That has been the last time he slipped.

You see, my SA was horrendously abused by a priest at the age of 11. His memories are blacked out. But he gets very triggered by priests.

The way my therapist has explained it to me is that children who are sexually abused learn to dissociate during the abuse. This allows them to be able to endure the abuse. This is the coping mechanism they learn. As an adult, when they are under stress or any kind of duress, they turned to depraved sex as a way of dissociating. It soothes them but they feel awful afterwards.

I had already been seeing an individual therapist. My SA started seeing a CSAT. We also both go to our respective group therapy as well as couples counseling with another CSAT.

To be fair, my SA has really committed himself to recovery. He sees his therapist, his group therapist, our couples therapist, attends two SAA meetings, and sees his sponsor once a week for step work. He prays and meditates every day and does step work every day and is in contact with his sponsor every day. The change I see in him is evident and real. He is much more present and more down to earth and less judgmental.

But sense of trust is very elusive to me. I cannot trust him and I cannot stop being angry at him. I lash out on him. And since discovery and all this recovery work, I feel like I have lost my sense of self. It’s been 8 months since discovery and it has taken me this long to realize that I am a co-dependent.

At first I was angry and resentful that I would be labeled as a co-sex addict. I went to a CoSA meeting in January and never went back. I didn’t understand it then but I do now. This weekend, I started reading Codependent No More and it resonated so much with me.

Prior to meeting my SA, I was a co-dependent. My father was dying of cancer in 2008 and since then I took on the caretaker role. I took care of my dad while he was dying, I took care of my mom after he died, I took care of my older brothers who were both unemployed, I took care of their kids’ rent and tuition since my brothers needed help. I took care of everyone. And that’s what I was doing when I met my SA.

And with him, even prior to discovery, I realize now that we had a co-dependent relationship. I also realize now that not all my anger is related to my SA (a lot of it, yes!) but it was related to all the years of taking care of people.

My lesson this weekend (and I can’t believe it took me this long to realize) is that I need to love me first. I need to take care of myself, love who I am before I can let go of this anger. All this anger will never allow me to forgive my SA (and others in my life). And without forgiveness, there is no way I could ever build trust with my SA. Without trust, there is no relationship.

I still love my SA. He IS very loving. He is very committed to this relationship and his recovery. He wants to do everything he can to be a great model for his son. I am fully aware that he is a deeply broken man. But I am also very much aware that I am broken too. I am looking for help with my codependency.

I don’t know if we will stay together. With kids who already love and are so attached to each other, I’m loathe to break up our family unit. But I am grateful for the support I have received from group, from my friends, from both our families as well as our ex-spouses.

Thank you for letting me tell my story.

Sometimes it helps to just share the whole thing and get it out there. It isn’t a story that you just tell anybody and everybody.

I am so sorry for the pain (we all know that feeling). As far as being co dependent goes, maybe you are. I don’t know. I think you are doing the right thing by focusing on yourself and trying to get yourself healthy first. Most of these SA guys have some childhood trauma. Most people have childhood trauma but most don’t lie and cheat on their spouse because of it. I am very glad your H is seeking help. It is the only way he will ever be able to be a decent father.

My main concern is for you. I truly hope that you find healing for yourself because those kids need a healthy mom too!!

I’m not completely sure what being co dependent involves. It sounds like you are loving and caring and tried to help the people around you. I don’t believe that is a bad thing. In my opinion, you seem like a very nice person. Don’t change that part of you 🙂

Hello Sophia,
Welcome to the site. No matter the particulars of your story, you will find plenty to relate to and a lot of insight. Coincidentally, I am also in NYC. It sounds like you are doing a good job of utilizing your resources and seeking help. It takes a village to get through this! Welcome 🙂

Thanks again ladies for the warm welcome. I was trying to stay positive when telling my story but as luck would have it, today, I discovered that my SA has been searching on YouTube for tranny videos as recently as 4 days ago and 2 weeks ago – all while he has been away on business trips to London and Paris.

So I called him at his hotel and asked him if he had slipped in the last month or so and that I need him to tell me the truth. He said, “No.” I told him he was lying. And he says, “Why? Because I said No too quickly? You know what? I don’t need this from you. I really don’t.” And then I told him that I found his Youtube search history and saw the tranny videos. Silence…. o..O

He has told me all along that he has not masturbated since January, that he has not gone to any porn sites and that he has not slipped since January. But he rationalized it all by telling himself that YouTube is not porn.

What kills me the most is the lying. He flat out lied to me. He continues to lie so easily. How am I ever supposed to trust him?

It’s days like this that I feel like giving up.

He returns from Paris on Tuesday. I told him that he needed to install accountability software on his work computer and that he has to figure out a way to have his company’s IT department give him authorization to install Covenant Eyes.

I am contemplating asking him to stay outside of our home for a little bit so that we can both have space. I promised to give myself and us a year before making any decision. Today I feel like leaving.

Thanks for letting me share.
Sofia

Liza,
That was an AMAZING reply. Thank you.
He’ll be staying on his friend’s couch when he gets back from Europe on Tuesday. Need space and time to think about what I want next.
Love, Sofia

Oh boy.

Sophia, you are about the get the “other’ side of how to survive a so called SA. And just in the nick of time by the looks of things…..as long as he is lying, nothing is changing Sweetheart…..no matter what your group says?

Sofia,

I hate that being married to a sa means that we often end up getting called codependent for being there for our families when they need us. Maybe you are codependent, I don’t know enough. And we certainly do need to take care of ourselves first. But I have a hard time accepting that we get a label just because we are tricked by a lying, manipulative addict and we are nurturers or caregivers.

I am not at all surprised by your recent discovery, and I doubt many here are. This is the typical pattern. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is hard to work so hard to forgive them and have hope that you can move past this only to find out they are lying still. You deserve better than that. I think you are dead on that he needs to be out of the house for this one. Don’t get in a rush to get things “back to normal”. Take your time to take care of you first.

Sophia don’t fall for his “”poor me”schickt”. Lots of people have had it rough in life, have been abused, horribly. They don’t go around doling out more horrible abuse in turn to people who love and care for them and make excuses for their disgusting behavior. He is nothing more than a creep and a coward. He wants to blame his revolting behavior on any convenient excuse he can find. Don’t fall for it.

As for the co-dependency, I can sort of see your side. I am the oldest of four. My parents both worked shifts when I was ten I was left to care for my eight year old sister, five year old brother and year old brother, for long hours many days a week. I was given way too much responsibility at too young of an age and this gave me the caretaker mindset which really messed me up for most of my life. So I get it. But you don’t have to live your life this way anymore. You recognize your patterns of behavior and this is good. Don’t let him shift the blame of his disgusting actions on you.

Step back from all of this, distance yourself from him, physically if necessary, and think carefully about your next steps. You need to have him out of your sphere for the next while.

I did my best thinking after I kicked mine out. The stress was much much less and I actually enjoyed him not being around.

You’ll get some answers too when he’s kicked out. He will either be very contrite and agreeable to whatever you suggest (i.e. get whatever signed legally that ensures a better deal if you divorce during this time) or he will turn into an even bigger jackass and maybe even go file for divorce himself.

These times can be very telling, so watch and “listen” to him carefully.

Yep….that’s what I aways said…no different from the guy who blackens your eyes and no one really gives a shit about his childhood??