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Please give your usual warm welcome to our new Sister, sarafranchesca,
sarafranchesca wrote in her profile that she came to the Sisterhood because she:
Just discovered my husband has been soliciting sex from strangers on Craigslist. More details keep coming out, and I’m desperate for a place to get support.
Welcome sarafranchesca, and I am so sorry that you need us but I am glad that you found us.
You will find support here, and resources, information, insight, lots of personal experiences of the Sisters and, most of all, a deep friendship from your Sisters.
You are not alone any more and we are all here for you. Ask or share whenever you are ready. Just let us know what you need. ~ JoAnn
HI Sara-f,
We understand that sickening desperation after first discoveries and the realization that something is very very wrong. I’m so glad you have reached out. We are a diverse group here, ready to support someone as they find their own way. We share good resources, stories, questions, and even a few moments of belly laughs along the way. We expect more for the trauma care and recovery for people like you (and us) and are working to see improvements. I hope it helps you.
Light for your journey
DianeWelcome Sara. The early days after discovery are so difficult. I’m so glad you found your way here to us. We understand. We’ve been there. We will do everything in our power to help you through this.
Hugs,
DaisyHi Sarah, this stuff is so overwhelming. Take it one day at a time and make sure you have some support for yourself. I am so sorry.
Hey girl, I’m SO fucking sorry. Sending you strength, Sister. Hang with us, we’ll get you through this nightmare – I promise. Love, Liza
Thanks for the welcomes-I just can’t believe we are all in such fucked up situations.
I started individual therapy yesterday. Frank started his own therapy and is reading some sex addict book and says he wants to be free from all this. Right now I’m unwilling to do couples therapy-which my therapist supports me with. I’ve told him that I truly want him to get help and heal but that I’m not sure I’m willing to be with him as his wife while he travels that road. Both of my parents were addicts, and I was the parent to them instead of the other way around. Somehow I managed to marry a fucking addict, and I don’t think I can survive any more of the addict cycle. We have 5 kids together….married very young and started quite early. I am only 33. So many incidents over our 14 year marriage…I can’t believe I didn’t call him on it earlier. This fucking sucks.Yes it does. And you know what also sucks?? Marriage Counseling with a fucking SA. It’s not a ‘marriage’ problem. It’s a ‘husband can’t keep his fucking dick in his pants’ problem.
You are smart to say no marriage counseling for now (if ever). You don’t need that, you need help for YOUR trauma, and he can get whatever help he needs. What a horrible discovery, we do get it, the way it overwhelms. Just take it slow, and make top priority taking care of your needs. There’s a reason they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you attempt to help other passengers. You FIRST!
Beware of the SA reading the “sex addict” books and “wanting to be free of the lifestyle” Sara.
Lynn is soooooo right. If at all possible, get him OUT of your home. Then put all your energy into helping yourself. It is a long,hard journey to recovery and he cannot help you with any of it.
If he goes to get true help and you feel like discussing it with him later ( like a year later) then fine. Otherwise, he will read his books, go to SA meetings, talk to his therapist and blame the whole thing on you while he is still masturbating with hookers…..
Sorry, but that is pretty much the cold hard truth. I will add on an up note that you will be okay. It gets better….It really does.
Sara, we’re big on calling a ‘spade a spade’ around here and throwing the bullshit flag on these fuckers.
The bullshit flag is pretty fucking big-that’s for damn sure. He admitted to the strip clubs and chronic porn use a little over 7 years ago. At the time, I thought it was because I wasn’t attentive enough (had 4 small babes at that point) and he had too much free time at night while traveling. I decided I would be more adventurous sexually, even watching porn and once attending a strip club with him. Now, 7 years later, I am woken up from the dream that I thought was real. A thriving marriage, great sex life, mutual respect and understanding to find out that all the while he’s kept up the chronic porn use, asking women for sex etc. For now I’ve told him to sleep on the couch, and that I wanted 2 weeks of not talking about the sex addiction, our marriage, our future, nothing. Room mate status, dinner with the kids, and that’s it. I told him if he didn’t want the couch he could sleep at his shop (he repairs cell phones and computers and owns his own business). So far he’s complying without complaining or pushing the boundaries. After the 2 weeks are up I can decide where to go from there. I need the emotional space, and distance from analyzing every minutia so that I can hear my own gut without having to listen to his bullshit. I can’t imagine being with him anymore. But I also can’t imagine being without him. Fuck him for destroying my trust and the life I thought I had.
Girl, let him park his nasty ass somewhere else for the time being (2 weeks is a start), you need physical space too.
Welcome, Sarah, I’m glad you found us. You sound pretty grounded and like you’ve got your head on right. Good for you for figuring out “no” to marriage counseling and to listening to his bullshit. Keep listening to your gut. I think it’s going to serve you well.
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