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Please give your usual warm welcome to our newest Sister Jessagape14.
Jessagape14 wrote in her profile:
I am a newly wed and when my husband was deployed I found a bunch of emails, which exposed his sex addiction I had no clue about. I am looking for a flexible group that I can go through the process of healing with. My work hours are crazy, so I am giving the online world a whirl!
Welcome Jess and kudos to you for seeking help and resources. I am so sorry that you have to deal with his deception and the stress of having your new husband far away fighting for his country. Your plate is quite full.
But, you have come to the right place. Any time you are stressed, lonely or need answers just sign in. We are here for you.
Just let us know what you need.
Love and light for your journey ~ JoAnn
Hi Jess,
Wow, what a hard spot you are in. I hope you will really study the different posts on this site right back to the beginning. I fear that your best option may be to get out now. Meanwhile, Barb Steffens book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, is really helpful to begin putting yourself back together, and that should be your priority. It’s a terrible terrible shock, and I’m glad you reached out.
lots of light for your journey
Diane.Jess,
Welcome to SOS. This site has been a real life saver for me.
I’m sure you must be going through an emotional roller coaster with his deployment and your discovery. And as a newlywed, you should still be basking in the glow of your new relationship. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
TeriWelcome Jess…I am so sorry. To be newly married and H deployed.. Your world must be flipping upside down. The sisters are great and we are all here for you.
Jess,
So many changes back to back, what a rollercoaster. I hope you have someone close to lean on. The sisters here are wonderful, too.
hello jess,
welcome. so sorry you have the need to join us, but glad you did. you are safe here.
love
lisa
Hi Jesse,
What a wedding present! Hope you find the info and support you need here. Sign on any time…there is usually someone around. If you are a newlywed you are likely young. Thank God for that. Karen xx
thank you for the welcome. I am here for support and to get through my own healing, which will hopefully lead to peace with God and myself. My husband recently got back from deployment and we are working at things. We went to Doug Weiss’s Sexual Addiction Marriage Intensive. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I am here for support not for people to tell me if I need to divorce or stay with my husband. That is my journey alone to discover. I am pretty much at the point of trying to find my niches and what is going to work for my needs. My husband recently “relapsed” again and I am feeling really down. He has some major PTSD issues and thank God today he went to sign up for VA counseling. He’s sleeping in our guest bedroom right now. I feel alone. I know God is with me and I really do have a great support system, but my heart hurts really bad. I am 26 years old and between my past traumas and abuses and this shit i feel like i am 80yrs old and dying. I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but I literally feel like the life is draining out of me.
Joanne, I read earlier about your concern about the negative emails about the website. I noticed there are a lot of sections where there are some righteously angry, furious women. There does seem to be a divorce and your addict is never going to heal focus, which is keeping it real, but at the same time maybe make some sections for the women who aren’t at that place and still need support. I am all for expressing how you are feeling at the time, but maybe you should have a specific section where it’s anger free? Maybe have separate sections for stages of grief so women can relate and express what they are specifically feeling/experiencing with their SA? Also, having a section of trying to make my marriage work section or maybe a 12 steps section. I am just shooting ideas out….not sure if you already have some of these set up because I fully haven’t explored through the site, but I thought I would share.
Thank you again for the welcome and support!
“There does seem to be a divorce and your addict is never going to heal focus, which is keeping it real, but at the same time maybe make some sections for the women who aren’t at that place and still need support.” Jess, we all need support–those of us who are angry, who have gone, who have stayed, who have tried, who have been RIGHT where you are and know what it feels like to have the life draining out of us. We need support, and that’s why we’re here. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. You are raw and shocked right now, and there are lots of different phases of this you’ll move in and out of. You might even cycle through a very angry phase, and we’ll be here to listen. Most of us who are dealing with anger are less angry about the actual porn, fucking of secretaries and the elderly, and transsexual or homosexual activities, and MORE angry about the fact that we agreed to stay and try to save our marriages. We believed the promises made by both our SA’s and the therapeutic community–that our marriages could be “better than ever.” We are angry that we placed our faith in the process and in the men we hoped were beneath the monsters, the ones we thought we married. We will be here for you–to support you and listen and care. I ask that you do the same for us.
Welcome to SOS Jess, so sorry to read of your discovery of your h SA and recent relapse. It’s very overwhelming and I wish all the best for you and your h.
Love, NapThank You March.. I will support any sister on this site no matter what they decide. My feelings are valid too and I am not far ( time wise) from that raw, shocked, can`t function stage.
Jess, you have my most sincere hope that you and your H can get thru this. I just know that it is important to focus on you first. I didn`t do that. I focused all my energy on helping him at first. Now, I am drained. That is NOT a criticism of you choosing to stay. It is advice from a sister who has been there. It`s okay if you don`t take the advice. I offer it with love and hope and compassion.
Jess,
This said in all humility and love, it sounds like you are asking for a safe place to experience your journey. A natural response. Sadly anyone who has been here long knows there is a VAST difference between just feeling safe and actually being safe when living with a sexually addicted spouse.
There is no soul on here except they had the blinders ripped Off at some point. Now they see things differently through new wounded and maybe wiser eyes.
Take that into consideration and it will not seem so personally upsetting. THIS is what SA does. These women paid a staggering price for what they share here. It has tremendous value even if it does not relate to our story directly, or support our personal agenda. Rage and tears should be equally welcomed if we are honest about our collective experience.
Lynng2 you nailed it on the head when you said I am just looking for a safe place to experience my journey. Thank you for being able to articulate that. Bev–I definitely have been trying to take care of myself, I even took some work off so I could just focus on getting healthy (eating, working out, counseling, sleeping at night…etc). I feel I am past the shock stage because my initial “catching him” was in March. I have never experienced a relapse before since all of this is so new so I am trying to wrap my head around all of it. It overwhelms me and now that I am working full time and working night shift it’s been hard to take care of myself (my body clock is crazy) . But lets be real if I want to have a Plan B I probably should work. I think there are a few of you that are misunderstanding me a little bit regards to the angry women thing. It is not only healthy, but part of the grieving process to be angry. If you don’t get angry you aren’t able to really get through the process to reach forgiveness to fully let go of the situation and give it up to God. I FULLY understand why ANYONE apart of this sisterhood would be furious..hence me saying “righteously angry” in my prior post. Joanne expressed that there were several complaints about the negativity of the sight and wanted ideas about things to improve. Maybe I misunderstood her asking, but I was just throwing ideas out to help, nothing more or less. I am not putting down the site, or what anyone is feeling. But like all of us are expressing, we ALL should be able to express what we are feeling. I pray that we all can get through our anger and sadness and hurt so we can be whole.
Welcom Jess to the insanity and madness. My h also has post traumatic stress – he has been through emdr which has apparently helped.
I now have PTSD, although two years in to this a coping better.
On this site, there are no rights or wrongs, just loads of years of experience between us. Perhaps some of us who have been through discovery after 9, 15,22,25 years of marriage wish we’d run like fuck in our younger years and want to save you from finding yourself aged 40 / 50 / 60 / 70 (yes really) starting over again.
It is sincerely meant with love.
God will provide and care for you, He will find a way for forgiveness and healing.
Just hold onto the truth that you were created as His princess and daughter and he wants only the best for you. Living with addiction is not the best. I wish you well on your journey and hope you find some of our truths useful. Be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotion and hold tight to your true living loving God as tightly as you can. You need that rock more than you canimagine. God bless xI understand Jess. Just like Jos just stated.. I am 50 and have 2 kids and been married 20 years…
IF I had known this at your age I would sell my soul to the devil to have had a chance to run and I am a good Christian girl that knows better than to even say that.
Be careful sweetie.. I hope for the best but I cannot sit here and promise you that your husband will be the ONE to do right…
Again, in the interest of people trying to make things work, I am not saying don`t try!!! I am just saying be careful…
Jess,
It sounds like your husband has a lot of his own trauma from the military and you seem to understand that.
If you are comfortable, would you share about your intensive with Doug Weiss and how that is going for you? I am happy for you that you’ve been able to get that far with your husband. So many of us haven’t.
Share. We all learn form each other.
Love, Debora
A much belated welcome, Jess — you’re among friends here. I’m looking forward to more posts from you. (((HUGS)))
Hey ladies sorry I have been MIA the past week! I have been working ridiculous amounts of hours and praise God I finally have a break!
Jos, definitely would love to talk to you more about the EMDR with your husband. I had tried that myself actually, but because of everything that had just happened and the place I was mentally it didn’t go too well for me. I would try it again because it definitely struck a cord, but probably when I am a little more stabilized with all of this! Anyhow, I am curious how your husband has been liking it and a man’s perspective on all of it I guess. I am at the point where I am hoping God gives me clarity, which ever direction that may be. I pray he spares my heart and helps my own recovery to fully heal from the trauma he caused me and me wanting to control everything. Right now I know I need to be patient and so that’s what I am trying to do. I really feel like God is my only truth right now, so I am relying on Him to show me some grace with all of this crap! Thank you for your kind words and support!
Bev—I can see where you and couple of others are coming from. I think I am a little bit in defense mode because of all of this. You know the high alert on edge feeling. I know everyone is saying it out of love and protection and I do appreciate that. This whole thing makes me feel like a crazy woman. I am at the point of needing and wanting to try things out. Whatever decision I make I want to make sure 100% I feel peace with God and I fully trust I will come to some decision, but don’t need to rush it. I found out in March and want to work on me before I decide anything. Anyhow, thanks for the support and love!
Debora–
The intensive with Doug Weiss was a really great, even though it was pretty painful. He took a polygraph test and we each got individual therapy and couples therapy everyday. For my individuals therapy I worked on my own present/past trauma and anger with my husband and other people. The polygraph was a good base to get some things completely out in the open and for me to know everything and bring truth to light. I think it was beneficial for my husband too. We both walked away having tools, resources, and a plan individually and together. Now my husband has no excuses for not doing what he knows he needs to do. He’s taken longer than what I would have liked to fully kick in with all of it, but he’s getting there. He relapsed recently with emails, but that finally got his ass in gear to set up counseling for himself. The most frustrating part is letting him do his journey of healing with all of this because I really would love to control it and fix him, which obviously isn’t helpful for anyone. During the intensive I set up a Plan B and in October, after my work contract is finished, I am going to evaluate if I need to leave him or not (which apparently can be really effective for the man to get his shit together if he really wants to stay with you) depending if he’s doing his Plan 100%. Right now I am just trying to be patient and I really do want to make things work, but it takes two to tango. I also have a plan where I have to do workbooks, have to find a group, therapy, praying…etc. So the focus is on me healing me and him healing him. Dr. Weiss also gave us marriage exercises and suggestions to do like having date night every week and this feelings exercise…which my husband is surprisingly good at and I am getting better at. This has been very beneficial for us as well. Anyhow, if you have anymore questions please don’t hesitate to ask!!!
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