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My SA kept a chart tallying the women he saw naked over webcam. Actually, it was of their body parts. Eg. 5 “pussies”, 10 asses, 20 breasts etc
What is wrong with these guys???
I keep trying to imagine me sitting on my laptop looking at naked men and porn and making a spread sheet of stats..
20 cocks, 15 tight asses, 40 cum shots…And then vomit starts to come up in my mouth. Who does this???
What I particularly “loved” about mine was recording their birth dates and where they were from. Why? Are you sending your thousands of favorite porn stars birthday cards? “To: Candy Lips in Romania From: Your biggest fan” UGH.
Daisy, silly girl, he was checking out their astrological signs to see who was the best match for him. 🙂
I can relate for sure to the lists…. I found lists on the computer and in notebooks at his desk. He used stars 1, 2, 3 stars…. and some got circled. Some had one name then another in parentasis. …. I printed or ripped out and kept them all. As well as the countless CDs full of pix vids and lists… I also printed any e-mails from ‘girls’ asking him to visit their webcam (none of these were ever opened… just in the ‘recently deleted’ folder, unopened… some e-mails from ‘adult store’ websites had been read and saved in his ‘to do’ folder. all of those are printed as well. I have all of it saved at another location. he knows nothing about this. but i figured i’d arm myself just in case…. he no longer recieves those kinds of e-mails. we have the blockers, accontability software, and i disabled the ‘in private browsing’ thing (the perfect tool for cheaters, liars, addicts… etc.. who the hell ever thought that would be a good creation for the computer??!!) but all the ‘safety’ things are in place now…. and as i said before, I disabled internet access on his phone. He is military so he cannot use the computers at work for the porn either.
OMGosh Bev. In my computer investigation days, I saw he was looking up compatibility signs to his own. Geez now it makes sense. How comparable do you need to be with a prostitute?
Daisy, mine actually did send them money and gifts. Victoria’s Secret underwear for one of them. I can’t walk by that store anymore without feeling the dry heaves coming on. xoxo
HI Natale,
I guess you are getting the impression of just “leaky” the “just porn” perspective can be. Sorry about that. It’s all a part of the hard learning curve, I guess. It’s just never as simple or as controlled as we first think. And that’s been a really hard lesson for everyone here, I think. And some of us didn’t learn it the first time so we kept getting hit by that mack truck over and over again.
Hang in there. There’s hope for your life.
And thanks for posting your beautiful picture. What an incredible smile! And I like your haircut too.
warm hug,
D.Annie, I’m so sorry! I should know by now that when I say something I think is totally out there, one of these guys has actually done it. There are apparently no depths too low.
Hugs,
DaisyThis spreadsheet business is another layer of WTF. Once you start down this rabbit hole…Hell, it’s Easter!(credits to Pam) I’m really sorry for the additional trauma that some of you deal with and I am peeking out through covered eyes to know, in case I see the similarity in my house. This IS a really shitty club to belong to.
Big Hugs to Everyone,
Debora
Yep, My H took my Victoria Secret catalog and kept it in his work binder. I found it while snooping in the beginning. I also found the letter/notes that he had written to the marriage counselor crucifying me. He had all his vices in one place. Convince people how terrible Bev is and whack off to the VS model or better yet call a hooker…Nice
I actually believe that some of these guys do only use porn and they may be the sickest group of all? Why? Because they are so fucked up they only want sex with themselves and inanimate objects(pictures, videos). They prefer sex alone with fantasy to sex with other people. I think my best friend’s husband was in that group and he was such a loner it was freaky. I have heard of wives who thought it was just porn and it turned out to be much more and I have heard of wives where it seemed to only be the pornoraphy. There was a man in a group my H attended at SRI who said he only wanted porn and he couldn’t even imagine going with a person physically. Was he telling the truth…..who knows?? These types that are at it 14 hours a day(masturabting to porn)-I think porn may be their primary desire?? Funny though….most of the H here who used porn also seemed to use something else. But myself…I think I believe there could be a group who only use porn and fantasy and are perhaps grossed out by the thought of a real life person.
i am new to this…just discovered my husband’s issues a week ago…and i’m sure i don’t even know half of what has been going on. my husband has been contacting escorts. i have been reading the posts that you guys have written…i feel totally hopeless. this thing is so much bigger than i ever imagined.
It will be okay. Right now as stuff comes to light, it is the hardest. At least it was for me. That’s why so many of us have written about PTSD. But it will be okay, as you decide how you want to respond. Some of us have worked on the relationship for awhile and end up leaving. (That was what I did.) Some are staying as their husbands get treatment. You will know what’s right for you. If you pray, now is a great time to seek God’s guidance. The women on this site will be a tremendous resource.
I am so sorry you are having to face this awful betrayal. Hang in there. Connect with people who can provide emotional support and guidance. In time, you will know what to do, and it will get better.
Sunny
Thank you, Sunny, for your positive words. Right now I feel like I will never be able to have a real, trusting relationship with him again. I am nine and a half months pregnant, though, so leaving right now isn’t really an option.
This makes me really hate technology and the internet and women who are out selling themselves…is that normal?
karen,
there are no words for how much i feel for you. nine and a half months pregnant! dear dear karen, please know that there are people who love you. please keep posting and reaching out.
sorry honey, but nothing about sexually compulsive behaviour is normal. it is unhealthy and hard to understand. give yourself time, do everything you can to take care of yourself and surround yourself with love and support.
do you have help in your life, support from family and friends?
before discovering what was really going on…we were having marriage problems that i thought were because of his depression and insecurities about me. i completely let go of my life and concentrated on us and him…I basically distanced myself from all my friends and family.
I feel too ashamed to talk to anyone about this. I don’t want anyone to know. I feel like such a fool.
during my discovery of my stbxh secret life I found out that he is an avid porn lover, but what was even worse the type of porn he watchs very sick and disgusting , thanks to him now I have some images I can not erase from my brain, very sick images
what kind of porn your partners have been watching?
My SA’s main type of porn is the voyeurism “genre” – photos and videos of naked women who don’t know they’ve been photographed. Most of them are topless on a beach, getting changed, etc. The other main stuff is mostly videos of women masturbating, or of nudists doing nudist stuff. Even while that might be visually tame compared to other depraved types of porn, it’s really awful to me that he doesn’t care about women being violated. He doesn’t even recognize that they are in fact victims on those websites, just doesn’t think about them, or believes they all want to be seen by everyone on the internet.
About the porn only guys – I too believe there are certainly some. They have either been caught early enough in their addiction before escalation, or they really are exclusively caught in the 2D, where it actually is an attachment to pixels rather than attachment to human beings. I believe that porn, specifically, is very very real in terms of being an actual addiction.
My SA would sometimes spend up to 12 hours per day on porn/masturbation. Even while he was driving and at work.
Now, I have never had full disclosure – been waiting almost 2 years now – but from what I think I know, for the first 10 years of his addiction (he found the dad’s mags at age 7, but became addicted at age 13) it was only porn. The physical cheating first started because the opportunity was suddenly there available. A damn Christmas work party at a stripclub (his boss bought him 5 fully naked lap dances in one night – how fucking sick). Once that stuff started, it just never stopped and it led to everything else.
He said to me he thinks he uses porn more because it’s more enjoyable than sex because there’s no performance issues for him to worry about, there’s nothing he has to do, it’s easier, no fuss, always there when he wants it. He still wanted sex all the time though, but says it was because each time he was just hoping it would be enjoyable for him.
Even though porn is actually the hardest to stop and to get sober with – they call it the crack cocaine of sex addiction – and even while it DOES hurt like hell and it is so VERY extremely destructive – I wish he had just stayed with the porn because it does hurt so much more once they go to real women.
victoria,
my husband had a similar trajectory, porn for the first 5 years. lap dances next. then 5 years later the full deal for the next 10
when he was caught, he spent A LOT of money for the first time. i think that would have been his next regular thing.
5 years after that, who knows?
Harmony, mine started out with I guess what one would call your common variety porn, but then escalated to really dark stuff. What he called ‘forced orgasm’ porn, and a bunch of S&M anal stuff. He said that he used to rapidly go through the videos, because he was needing more and more darker stuff. God, I am going to throw up now. As my English mum used to say, ‘And all this before breakfast.’ xoxo
Victoria, I agree with you that porn really is an addiction. The rest of the stuff though..it takes so much planning and deliberate behavior that I’ve become skeptical about lumping hookers and massage parlors and Craigslist hookups and all that into a ‘sex addiction.’ Some of the things my SA did that hurt me the worst didn’t even involve actual sex.. flowers and money and gifts and secret trips to visit his little fantasy video porn hostesses, and secret dates with women he met on dating sites that apparently never went anywhere, and dates with women he worked with that he had crushes on, but apparently nothing ever happened with those particular ones. Addiction, my ass. xoxo
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