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I hesitate to say “just porn” because we all know that it is so much more than that. My question is how many of us found out about the porn and that was the only form of acting out or how many went live? It seems to me that they all go live at some point. They also seem to hang on to the “porn/masturbation only” justification until basically forced into a disclosure by Dr. M or some other therapist. I guess I have always felt after about the 3rd day that there HAD to be more. I just could never get him to admit to it or was savvy enough to find it. Do men exist that are SA and masturbating and viewing porn is their only form of SA? Or do they all go live? I know this has been discussed before, and I know some may not want to revisit this, but, I am getting more distance from Dan, and my suspicions are even more firm. But he still insists that it was always porn. Never anything physical. But my gut says different. He used to disappear to the mysterious and time warping “LOWES” to ick up something for the house. Then he would be gone for like 3-4 HOURS! He always said “Oh well I ran into so in so or I had to make a few more stops………. Anyway, I guess I am looking for validation of my suspicions. And I don’t beleive I Dan will ever tell me. He refuses a poly/ disclosure so I have not real hope that I will know. Why is this so important to me? I really don’t know. It won’t change the outcome of our marriage. That part is over. But I still feel “cuckolded” You know, that old word for fucked over? It still haunts me to some degree that he fucked a hooker or another woman and he got away with me believing it was “only masturbation/porn. He used to say when I caught him with his hand clamped around his winky that “I was thinking of you babe, really!!!!”.
Thanks in advance for any replies. I want to get past this. It really troubles me and causes me a lot of anxiety. I have tried everyway I know to get this info from him, but he never budges. My therapist says “maybe it was just the pornography.” My intuition says different.
Monique, listen to your gut. This is my opinion FWIW but I do not believe ANY of these guys stop at porn. Maybe they get caught before they “go live” but again, IMO there is no such thing as “just porn”. The compulsion grows and grows; they start with “regular porn”, then it takes sicker stuff to get them off, and more of it and eventually the only way they can get satisfaction is by going live. Anytime a Sister says “it was just porn” in my head I’m thinking “uh huh, sure…”
At this point, they won’t say anything because ”it is still under investigation”. I keep checking the public record site for indictments but nothing there. I have checked the police blotter logs and Dan’s name in the public record site but nothing comes up but a few speeding tickets. Which he got dismissed because the judge is my sons Godfather.
You are right Daisy. It just galls me to think he got away with it. He erased all the hard drives off the computers, he covered his tracks well. It just bugs me that I have this ”blank” spot. Of course he is now ”in recovery”. I’m not feeling the love. By the way, the goatee is back and the nightly ”I love you ,God bless you ,dinner was wonderful, sleep well my love” texts have just dried completely up. Hmmmmmmmmmm………….
Monique, I believe there are definitely some men who only use porn and masturbation and other than the sadists….I think they are the sickest men of all. They are so disconnected from other human beings, they prefer to exist alone and only have auto erotica. When my husband was at SRI he met a dude who stated in group that his problem was pornography alone. He said he couldn’t even imagine being physically with someone other than his wife. My best friend believes it was just porn with her husband and I am inclined to agree with her. Her husband was solitary to the point of obsession. He could only function with other human beings on a completely superficial level.
Many sisters here think there is always something more…and often there is. Really depends on what sort of character you are dealing with and there are variations. I am immediately suspicious if a man refuses a poly…if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to hide?
All of that aside Monique, I’m not sure it really matters in your situation, as Dan has far BIGGER problems beyond his sexual activities. Even if he was having sex with someone else….what else are you going to take away from him? You have already made him move out and are trying to limit contact…albeit…not limiting it anywhere enough IMO.
I remember both Trish and Kimberley being quite concerned with whether their husband had taken it further than porn. I know any woman would probably want to know. But you are already apart and have said your marriage is over. You cannot throw him out again and you have no way to force him to have a poly, because you feel you cannot enforce the ultimate boundary…which is “do what I want or I will divorce you.” Without that leverage, I don’t know how you are going to get that question answered? As March said…you have been unable to find out why he lost his job or why the FBI took his computer. So how are you going to find out if he is physical with other women, when he REALLY doesn’t want you to know that?? Sometimes we have to move on without all the pieces because there simply isn’t any way to get the info and we don’t want to make ourselves crazy trying to do the impossible. In those cases, we have to say I don’t know everything BUT I know enough.
Hugs, KarenI don’t agree with daisy that they all advance to porn. I do agree with her that if your gut says he is a cheater…then he is likely a cheater?
As to the texts…I would be so glad they dried up. Also, i think you should be prepared that if you continue to withhold from him…he is definitely going to up the ante…either by finding his supply elsewhere or making sure you think he is to see your reaction. Your situation is NOT going to remain in a hold pattern for 12 years or 12 months. Either you are going to make some kind of a move or he is. And you can take that to the bank Monique. These men are takers and they only stick around as long as they are getting what they need.
Thanks Karen. Yeah, I may have to say to myself it’s enough. I guess at times I actually feel guilty? Like if porn/masturbation was it, maybe I am being too harsh and not being reasonable? I worry that my children will one day say ”what he did wasn’t so bad, at least he wasn’t having an affair”. I know that sounds so lame. I am just having one of my wishy washy days. Kind of sad and second guessing my decisions and motives for my reactions.
Phone. Get info,off,his,phone.
Trust your gut.
Remember to,use the info, “he erased the hard drives” when making your case to protect your girls. Keep a running list of suspicions, dates etc.
Never passes a poly?
Refuses a poly?
His father molested…….
He admits to using porn since…….
Type of porn is………..
Refuses to go to Miwalla.
History of lying to you…….
Minwalla said……….
He was fired from his job and it is under investigation. He wont tell you the details and either will they.
___________________
___________________If you divorce, can all this and whatever else you gather be enough to require he have a formal evaluation that he is not a pedophile before physical custody of your children is decided? Certainly, details must be revealed about his firing before a court would decide custody….when given all the other facts.
Can you discuss this with the police? Child psychologist? Who?
Monique, I am half inclined to give you the same advice I gave GW. You have to build yourself up for the fight ahead? To us, dan has no respect for your boundaries AT ALL. He is a controller and an abuser and that is a much bigger problem than who or if he fucks other people?? You know what I mean? You have bigger issues than his lack of fidelity. You cann’t fix it by finding out he only uses porn. Thats what I think anyway.
Karen xx
The FBI is involved because there is suspicion and/or evidence of a federal crime, like child pornography. I know how miserably hard it is to even think of him involved in that…it’s way beyond “just porn,” Monique. I also understand how agonizing the not knowing is. They feel safer when they lie, and probably also get a thrill out of conning us. There’s no way for you to find out, as immediate family, what the details of this investigation are?
Yes you all are right. I have much bigger problems than the porn or whatever else it may be. I seem to gather strength, then I deflate like a popped balloon. I feel really strong, then I become a mess,weak ,confused, scared. I am just like GW in some ways. I see that. It is humiliating to be a grown woman with 5 kids and such a mess. Thanks for the slap Liza. 🙂 I needed that. I guess it is so hard to maintain a level of total awareness and tunnel vision with a plan. I wobble all over the place. You all help keep me centered. Thanks.
The FBI took his computer??? He won’t tell you why??? OMG….that is a glaring red flag. Furthermore, if your gut says he did more than porn, well he did. I learned that the hard way. When I look back, my gut was right every single time. Don’t worry, Monique. We all wobble. Its so much easier to see someone elses situation than our own. What you are going through is normal. But hell, girl. The FBI just doesnt show up and take a computer for the heck of it! you are not making a mountain out of a molehill here. Yikes!
I don’t believe the FBI took his computer. He said he turned it over to them voluntarily so they could “check and see if he had crossed any lines”…. What a load of bullshit. If any of you believe that then I really do have some oceanfront property in Arizona to sell you…..
He got fired from his job and NO ONE knows why. Supposedly he had a car accident in a service vehicle while off duty. There is NO accident report?
Come on, this guy is lying thru his teeth. I don’t know what he is up to. I know Monique found underage ( teeny bopper) porn on an old phone and his father molested kids…. That’s all I need.
I do agree with Bev on on counts. He is full of it.
Monique…don’t beat yourself up. Some of these guys are beyond creepy and are very difficult to get away from. Some of us have husbands who are still reasonable enough that they get when the game is up and they at least back off when they are caught red handed. Others seem to spiral more with discovery, to get worse and to keep on coming no matter what the wife does. Those are the full blown abusers and are a different kind of animal. I think your husband is the latter. That means you do not have the luxury of even considering “making up” with him. They are dangerous and often cannot be controlled at all. Do you understand? If some of us opt to stay with men who are incapable of intimacy or real change….well…that is our poison and hurts no one but us. But staying with an abuser long term is never an option because the abuse will ALWAYS escalate and you don’t have any way to control it but to get out? Its a pretty difficult situation to be in.
Yes they get when the game is up – I even told wormtongue in those exact words, and that he shouldn’t have tried to snow me. You have to watch yourself carefully when that happens b/c they’ll either break down and beg for mercy, or like wormtongue, viciously attack and try to destroy you from inside while they make their exit. The latter is psychological assault and they’re very, very good at it.
Monique,
Earlier in your post you mentioned that your husband would go on trips to Lowe’s and take 3 or 4 hours. That struck me because my ex would do that and say he ran into people he knew or made other stops, etc. It drove me crazy….he also stated the 1st time I caught him on the computer with porn, that it never went any further. He said that the 2nd and the 3rd time he was caught as well. I actually talked myself into thinking I was making a big deal out of nothing – all guys look at porn, right? Finally on D day I found out that his 3 to 4 hour trips to Lowe’s were when he was meeting women in the parking lot and screwing in a van. That is just one of the many many things I unconvered. Go with your gut!!!! I wish someone had convinced me of that the first time I caught him.Also, I agree with Bev…no one voluntarily gives a computer to the FBI…there is much more to that story.
I agree with Bev and Karen. But what the fuck matters if he has escalated to skin on skin? He has lost his job and you really don’t know why, computer (maybe) given to FBI??? WTF? You found teen porn on his phone and his father is a pedophile. He is one twisted MF. The whole f’ing family including the MIL who protects them all is twisted beyond belief. They make my husband and his family look like the Waltons (and they are REALLY bad).
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