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Hi Ladies! I have never started a group forum before and I hope I did it correctly. I am new to this kind of stuff, but I am in need of some positive energy, thoughts and prayers. I have been drowning in a sea of sex addiction for a month and a half now, but I have had some additional things happen this week that are not related to sex addiction at all.
Labor Day, my SA and I woke up at 5 am to my Choc. Lab, Turbo gagging and vomiting blood. We were in the emergency vet hospital until about noon. He also had blood in his stool and had to spend 2 days in the hospital. He is home now on meds and is doing much better. He is 10 years old and possibly had a tear in his intestinal lining or an ulcer. When they did the ultrasound on Tuesday they did find a nodule on his spleen and all the lymph nodes in that area are enlarged. We are repeating the ultrasound in a month to check the size of the nodule for any changes. They don’t want to assume it is cancer just yet. He is just a sweet old “PawPaw” who melts your heart with one glance of his golden eyes and I hate to see him sick. When we left the hospital on Labor Day we came home and I went to fill the water bowl for my Lab Mix, Sonny and we barely had any water pressure and then the water just went out. Long story short, when we had a fence built around the back yard earlier this year for the pups the fencing people nicked a wire that runs from our water pump to the house when they dug for a post. They ended up cementing the post and the nicked wire and it actually caught on fire underground. My SA and Father-in-law had to dig up the wire and replace it. Just as we are getting done with that whole fiasco my brother calls to tell me that him and my Dad are at my Grandparents house and my Grandpa became unresponsive and lost control of his left side, etc. He was on his way to the ER. All of this happened on Labor Day – the longest day ever!!
My Grandpa got home from the hospital today with the diagnosis of Stage 4 Lung Cancer and they also found 2 spots on the top of his brain. I have been crying all day and I don’t know how strong I am girls! My Grandpa is my world, we have always been extremely close. I just feel like my whole world is crumbling down around me everything and everyone I love is being pulled away from me…I know that I will pull through, but I just feel even more lost!
Oh my dear Sister Shaken,
My heart just dropped as I read the story about your Lab, but then I read about your Grandpa. Even as I write this I feel that flush of emotion that overwhelms us when we are faced with a terribly tragic situation. I wish I were there for you. I too have lost family to lung cancer that had spread to the brain. I do know your fears and your pain right now.
Please know that I am putting all my best energy and thoughts toward you and your family. You will survive this, you are strong–you have proved that already.
Just take each moment and even though it is chaotic and painful, stay in the present. Savor each moment with your Grandpa. Talk with him, share memories, ask any questions that you have.
The progression of his brain tumors will probably be relatively slow and should give you enough time to say everything that you ever wanted to say to him before his memories dim.
Take this as a blessing. Very few people are given that chance to say all those things most of us only wish we could say to our precious loved ones before they pass on.
Love him, share with him, ask questions and answer his. Spend as much time as you possibly can with him.
You have all my best energy and love.
Shaken,
I’m so sorry for all the sad things happening in your life right now. Pets are really fur people and they give us so much, especially unconditional love, plus they are so cute and sweet.Your Grandpa sounds very special and I know his diagnosis is very serious. He too must be scared and I hope you live close by to support each other. Thinking of you both and if you can try to treasure your time together.
Please know I’m thinking of you Shaken and I’ll be thinking of your Grandpa too.
Love, Nap
Oh Shaken,
My heart goes out to you. We almost lost our dear, gorgeous cat– Peaches– the only man who’s not full of shit and I beg to differ, Nap, but there isn’t a human being on the face of the earth who even comes close to him. 😉 (except when he chews paper) 😉 Every day with him feels like the most precious gift. And feline budesonide is the elixer of life for him, apparently!
In addition, not that this will make you feel better… but everyone in my family who’s died has done so, instantaneously. Here one minute, gone the next. No warning. No good-bye… just excruciating sudden loss. It still doesn’t make it any easier, and no one wants to see their loved one suffer with a protracted illness.
I think sometimes these difficult times seem to come in waves… like everything hitting us all at once. I’m so sorry for all that you’re going through right now. Please take as good care of yourself as you can during these stressful days ahead.
Love,
Lexie
My heart goes out to you, Shaken. I love your “user name”, and it tells me what a strong person you are. Your posts do too. I hope you can spend some time with your precious grandfather in the upcoming weeks and months. As someone told me soon after my babies were born, “Don’t worry. The dust will still be there.” And “dust” is a metaphor for many things!
love and hugs,
ZGShaken, Please know that you are in my heart and prayers. Your precious lab, Turbo, likely is scared too. Give him lots of love and attention. Spoil him rotten as he recovers. I’ll pray that he survives this and regains his health quickly. Your Grandpa is a special man to have someone like you in his life. I agree with the other sisters to talk to him as much as you can and be sure he knows how much you love him. My Dad passed away before I could say anything to him and it’s a very painful and regretful experience. All the best to you and your family. We’ll all be here for you 100%. Keep us posted on everyone’s progress. Much love . . . Claire
Dear Shaken,
I can imagine how you would feel that everything you love is being threatened by one thing or another???? I am sure you were left feeling….Good God…what next??”
As others have said, gain all the precious time you can now with your dog and your grandfather. We all know that they are not going to be there forever, BUT we are still NEVER ready for the goodbye? I would urge you to remember that loving grandfathers and faithful dogs do die and it is a traumatic, but unavoidable part of life? Living with a SA husband is a choice. Choose wisely Darling, but for now, put your love and energy into the two who love you unconditionally. I am praying for you.
Karen xxThank you JoAnn, Nap, Lexie, Zumbagirl, Claire and Karen for the encouraging words and reminders. I do live close to my Grandparents, only about an hour drive. I did spend yesterday with him after I found out the news and I prayed that God would give me the strength not to break down and cry in front of him or my Grandma. He answered my prayers – we had a great visit. He told old stories that I have heard since I was a little girl and even some news ones that I will treasure forever. My Grandparents are both 81 years old – he is a social butterfly and loves to cut up with everyone and she is a fiesty little gem that doesn’t take shit off of anyone. The two together are hilarious, they feed off of each other – they are extremely quick witted! You laugh from the minute to arrive until the minute you walk out of the door. My Grandma is his world and she knows it! He does anything and everything for her. Last year in August he had open heart surgery and we all took turns going to be with him at the hospital and staying at their house with Grandma. He was so concerned because he didn’t want her to be alone at night. She was at the hospital everyday with him. Well, when he came home from the hospital my brother stayed with them for a few weeks just so someone was with them 24/7 and also to make sure that Grandpa didn’t do anything that he wasn’t supposed to do. From day one he had my brother cook breakfast for my Grandma everyday because he couldn’t. One scrambled egg with a peeled and sliced apple and a glass of orange juice…every morning. So sweet!!!! I just don’t know what happened to that breed of man…
You girls are right though – I am going to spend as much time with him as possible and my Grandma. I am going to listen attentively and ask questions of both. I want to know as much as possible in whatever time I have left. I think that I am going to get a special journal and write everything down after each visit so I will have it always.
As for Turbo, he is the sweetest puppy “PawPaw” ever! We’ve only had him for 1 year, even though he is 10 years old. He belonged to the mother of one of my bosses. She went into assisted living June of 2010 due to Alzheimers and we welcomed into our home and he has been a blessing everyday. He immediately hit it off with our Lab Mix, Sonny. They are best buddies now – brothers 🙂 He is still on his meds and will be for about another week and a half. He is getting his strength back slowly but surely and he is looking great.
I will keep you all posted and I am truly grateful to all of you for your support and strength. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers 🙂
~ Shaken Not Broken
I love the idea of your journal, Shaken. Big hugs to your dog. I am a huge animal lover–my pets get me through everything!!! Thanks for keeping us posted! xoxo
Hi Shaken,
So happy to hear about your visit. Your grand parents sound delightful and have a true love. The stories he tells you are so special, I would record each and every one of them to preserve them. Also, any information he has about the family tree is neat too. I wished I would have asked my dad more questions about his family. Thinking of you Shaken, your Grandpa loves you so much.Love, Nap
Thanks Zumbagirl – if Turbo met you he would have a big hug for you and a kiss (he is quick to kiss the ladies, haha)
Nap,
Great idea about any information about the family tree – you know he pulled out a picture yesterday of his Dad that I had never seen before and I am sure that there is more to see, hear and learn.
I agree that they have true love – Grandma is a lucky girl:)
~ Shaken Not Broken
Shaken not broken,
I have not had much time to post. but you are in my thoughts. So sorry that your dog and grampa are sick. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Sending love and hugs your way!!
FloraThank you so much Flora! You are all in my thoughts and prayers – I feel like you are all Guardian Angels 🙂
~ ShakenNotBroken
Hey Girls! I visited my Grandparents this weekend and it was great to see them. Grandma looks great and in pretty good spirits. Grandpa on the other hand looks great, but he had a few staring spares, short term memory was off and then like the quick snap of fingers he would be himself. His doctors are coming up with a treatment plan – they are leaning towards radiation.
I am actually leaving town tomorrow and won’t be able to see them for over a week 🙁 Speaking of out of town – I am leaving for San Francisco for a convention that I booked months and months ago and my SA (husband) is going. It is legit to say that I am literally having an anxiety attack right. We are going up a couple days early because we were making a vacation out of it. I know that he is working on his recovery and I am working on my healing, but what I really want to do now that we are so close is cancel, but it is out of the question. Instead of just touring Alcatraz, I want to stick him in a cell and lock it until we fly out for home on Sunday. He was told by his sponsor that he really shouldn’t go to the convention with me as planned because it is going to be too overwhelming with the amount of women there. I totally agree – it is a skincare convention for crying out loud!! He has found SA meetings to go to the days that I will be at convention. Oh for goodness sakes – I feel so weak and insecure. DAMN IT – THIS ISN’T WHO I AM!!!!
~ ShakenNotBroken
Dear Shaken,
This isn’t who you are?? You live with this for awhile you will no longer know WHO you are and that I can pretty much guarantee. You know I am not being unkind.I am glad your doggy is ok and you are spending lots of time with your grandparents. That is a good thing. HUGS Karen
Hi Shaken!
Been thinkin about you and your family… Glad things are going well at this time! I loved all the stories about the grandparents! They sound so cute!!! And your doggie too!!! 🙂
Is it possible to just cancel SA’s part of the trip and you still go? I understand his sponsors point, and what about his therapist? Any input there? Would you be worried to leave him behind (“alone”)? I hate it that you are stressed over something that should be FUN! Sigh…. Life with an SA, I guess…
I will share this: We had a trip to Hawaii planned for at least 6 months with friends who were footing the bill (first class and all) gulp! I had D day about a month before the trip! Ugh!! I, however, never let on that I knew anything so I could spy, gather evidence, etc. My dilemma? That I was so shocked and sick and confused and hurt and mad as hell and the last thing I wanted was a romantic trip to Maui with an SA!!!! But he didn’t know what I KNEW and our awesome friends had been so generous and kind and I was in turmoil over what to do! I remember calling my brother and my son and trying to figure out what to do?? And I was extra PISSED that I had the trip of a lifetime coming up and I couldn’t stand the sight of my own husband and didn’t want to GO!! In the end, I decided that I didnt want to disappoint our friends or miss the chance to go since I had never been there! I figured I could put on a happy face for 10 days! (in Maui, after all!) 🙂
So…. The night before, after he went to bed, I jacked up his phone so it wouldn’t be working the whole time and he wouldn’t have his face in it – doing WHATEVER!! Then, I tucked some liquid laxative in my suitcase along with some sunscreen mixed with Nair (hee…hee… He uses sunscreen on his scalp (bald spot), and a few other little tricks up my sleeve, in addition to the 1000 bucks my Dad had slipped me that SA knew nothing about and I didn’t say squat, and ended up having a great time! So, like anything else, it’s all in your perception!
I hope you have a great time!!!
HI Shaken,
I guess that could be kind of awkward at the the convention. But listen, I find that planning every part of the day helps me feel less dread about things. Just keep to your schedule, and don’t leave any bare spots. A bare spot becomes a few hours to watch tv, get a manicure, stroll the shops, read a few chapters of a book. Write it in and then the day goes along as if you are in control. And I think that’s what we PTSD people need. We need to be in control of the day when we have an SA lurking about.Good luck to you, and trust the Light that goes with you
Diane.Hi ShakenNotBroken,
I am sorry to hear of your difficult situations. Much love and prayers for you. Love, B. Trayed
@ b.trayed – Thank you so so much 🙂
@ Diane – You are so right! Your idea of a full schedule does make me feel like I have some control! Thank you.
@ kmf – I know that you are not being unkind. You are speaking from your heart and your experience. I appreciate your honesty – thank you!
@ silver-lining – Your story about your trip to Hawaii was hilarious! It made me laugh out loud 🙂 Well, to answer your question, I did think about cancelling my SA’s part of the trip, but we have non-refundable, non-transferrable plane tickets, we had already rented an apartment and I had already paid for his portion of the conference. I was fine with him skipping out on the conference even though I would lose money on it until we got here. I rented this apartment months and months ago, way before I knew of his freaking addiction. Needless to say, we are in a part of town that has a lot going on – bars, restaurants, people are all over the place day and night. I have seen some shady areas too. I think I would feel better with him coming to the conference rather than trusting and wondering if he is staying at the apartment or showing up for his SA meeting. It may sound selfish, but my comfort seems more important right now.
~ ShakenNotBroken
I haven’t been on in a few days and I have missed you girls! It has been a rough week and a half. My sweet Turbo has had some more seizures and when he went to his vet on Monday he found that Turbo’s neck and both back legs have several swollen lymph nodes. He did biopsies and we found out yesterday that he has malignant lymphoma. I cried my eyes out, not just for Turbo, but for my Grandpa too. It’s weird, but Turbo and my Grandpa both went into the hospital on Labor Day and they both have cancer. Two men that I actually adore wholeheartedly!! My heart is breaking – it is so hard to accept.
I would take a sex addict anyday over having someone I love have cancer. Sounds sick, but I can drop the SA if I wanted to…I can’t get rid of cancer for those I love.
Need strength because emotionally I am falling apart!
~ Shaken
Dear Shaken,
I’m so sorry for your pain. How awful it is to have to deal with one but two loved ones with that awful disease. I feel for you; I really do. God bless them both. Your statement “Two men that I actually adore wholeheartedly” really hit me. Because it’s so true and so not fair.
Rest assured that I will keep you and your two precious men in my prayers. Hold on tight, it’s gonna be a rough road but there is a reason for everything. You’ll have a sign at some time that will help you understand why this is happening.
Love them as much as you can while you can and we will be here to hold you up when you can’t stand alone anymore.
Much love, Claire
Sorry to hear about your two “men”. It’s really hard when a pet has serious illness, but to have your grandfather seriously ill as well seems like too too much.
Have a good cry if you need to. Don’t expect too much of yourself. And talk to some friends. I’m glad you let us know. Reaching out is so important. We often try to carry it all by ourselves. Do you know what your options are for looking after Turbo? And what’s ahead for Grandpa?
lots of light to you,
Diane.
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