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Hi, GeorgiaGirl..
I moved your post so it would show up in the listing of topic titles, as it wasn’t showing up in the list. If you click on ‘Forum’ under ‘Sex Addiction’ and then ‘post new topic,’ it’ll show up.
GeorgiaGirl’s post:
Tonight is my first night on this site. I feel like I am having an out of body experience. My picture perfect world…2 young children, perfect marriage, beautiful new dream home, successful career….was blown out of the water when I found out 3 weeks ago that my husband is a sex addict. I am reeling and really need people who I can talk to who can relate to my situation. My biggest question right now is why the hell am I so numb? I feel like I am moving in slow motion. Why haven’t I thrown him out? Why am I not mad at him. I feel like all the emotions I SHOULD be feeling (disgust, anger, hate, etc) are replaced by NOTHING, white noise. Does any of this make sense?
GeorgiaGirl, I am so sorry for the pain that you are in, but very glad you found us. I think we can all relate to that weird numb feeling. It is such a devastating shock that I think we just go into automaton mode for a while. It’s just too much to wrap our heads around all at once. All of a sudden the man we shared our heart and our life with is a total stranger and in an instant our whole view of reality changes. It’s not just finding out they were unfaithful..which is horrible enough.. but finding out that they aren’t who we thought they were all these years. You have found the best place to talk about it. Sending you much love and support. xoxo
Thank you very much for your note Anniem. I want to be mad at him. I want to kick him out of the house. But instead my actions are to listen to HIM. To be supportive of HIS therapy. To feel bad for HIM. I feel like I am going crazy. I am a very strong, independent woman but I am acting like someone I don’t even know.
It is so frustrating that HE had the secret life. HE was unfaithful to me MULTIPLE times with MULTIPLE people but I am the one who has to be the “bad guy”. I am the one who has ago say “no you can’t sleep in our room”, “no you can’t live here”, “no I don’t want to go to the concert we have tickets for”, etc.
I feel like I need to kicked into gear – woken up – face reality. But instead I find my self sitting at the dinner table like we are one happy family, going to a wedding this past weekend with him, etc.
I feel crazy.
Dear Georgia. I’m so so sorry you are in this situation. You are NOT crazy and the shock you are feeling is normal. I share some of your feelings. I almost 3 months out from dday and I never have gotten angry or hated my H or any of that. Other sisters do. Everyone has their own reaction and all of them are valid. A lot depends on how your H treats you and how accountable he is willing to be. Just know that whatever you are feeling is fine and is “normal” here. Wherever you are on this crazy journey, there is always someone here to hold your hand.
Love,
DaisyGeorgiaGirl,
It takes awhile for the reality of the situation (shituation) to really kick in. I’m a year into it and I don’t think I’m quite there yet. It’s almost too much to fathom and our defense mechanism kicks in to protect us. Denial is a wonderful thing – it will melt over time. You are doing great. One step at a time. This is a lot to take in. To grasp a secret life that we weren’t privy to. Almost like those made for TV movies where some guy has 3 wives. It has given most of us on this site PTSD. The trauma is so great.
Do whatever YOU feel like doing right now. If you feel like going to a wedding, then do it. If you don’t feel like yelling at him yet – don’t do it. But check into YOUR feelings – and take care of YOU. It’s natural for women to be the ones taking care of other people (including those who hurt us), but try to move the focus onto you.
You are not crazy. You are coping – and moving at a pace that you can handle right now. Be kind and gentle to yourself.
We are here for you.
Deb
Oh – Georgia, btw. Most of our SAH’s are like yours….they have had a string of MULTIPLE partners…..and most of realize we only know the tip of the iceberg. It’s too much for any normal person to grasp. It’s like the house of cards falls down in a nanosecond.
Deb
Oh GeorgiaGirl, I’m so sorry. I think most of us can relate to the numbness. You’re in shock and your mind is shutting down, trying to protect you from such an unimaginable reality. I remember one sister literally lost her hearing for awhile after her husband told her about his secret life. Many of us have been down that exact same road you’re traveling, trying to make sense of it all and coming up blank. Trust me, though, you’ll find your voice soon enough. Let us know what we can do to ease your pain. love, Liza
Georgiagirl, I am so sorry for misspelling your name. I’m getting more senile by the minute. 🙂
It’s been about 15 months for me since I discovered his secret life, and I well remember what you’re talking about..that weird feeling of needing to support them, and an absence (in the very beginning) of any real rage. I even had a resurgence of long-dormant sexual desire for him, just a few weeks after discovery. Like the other sisters said, everything you’re feeling is normal in the face of this most abnormal world we get thrown into in the blink of an eye. And it is so important to take good care of yourself right now. Lean on us.. we’re all here for you and understand the pain and shock and disorientation you are feeling. xoxo
Thanks Annie for welcoming GeorgiaGirl.
GG, I am so sorry for your trauma, and that is exactly what you are feeling now. You are tramatized and your safety mechanisms have kicked in.
We are all here for you. Don’t feel as if you have to do anything, right now any decisions you make will not stick because you are not in any frame of mind to be making decisions.
Just give yourself time. Sit and veg if you must. (we have a few ‘six weeks on the patio in pajamas’ stories).
Please, just be kind to yourself. We will help you through this.
It will take time. A long time. Give yourself that rime.
Love and light ~JoAnn
georgia,
these wise sisters have told it like it is. sounds like you are dissociating. your mind is protecting itself.
give your mind and body time. take good care of yourself now, it may help a little.
it may be one minute at a time, breathe, eat well. surround yourself with those that truly love you…
love
lisa
Georgia, so sorry you find yourself so numb. This is absolutely your mind, body and soul going straight into self-preservation.
All I would say is please go and get tested for STDs and do not have unprotected sex with your husband. A common recurring theme seems to be going one way or the polar opposite in terms of wanting to have sex – you may try to reclaim him sexually or repel him… But whichever you choose – get tested. This must be your main priority. I’m so sorry.
Everything else can wait a while.
Breathe.
Put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
We’re here for you – to stand alongside, stand behind to catch you and we’re all further along the path so you can see where we stumble – and my God have we stumbled!
You are loved and not alone.
The sisters are right. The mind goes into self-preservation when traumatized and pretends that things are normal because reality is too much to grasp.
If you read stories about disasters, you’ll find reports of people acting like nothing is happening. I saw on a recent documentary about the sinking of a cruise ship, how people just kept playing cards and going about their business as the water started running in.
When things are too much to overwhelming, the mind goes into denial.
Please find a good trauma therapist- preferably one with a good background in abuse/addiction. Avoid anyone who uses the word “coaddict” and be skeptical of anyone using “codependent”. Find someone who is trained in EMDR and/or Somatic Experiencing.
Good luck, GeorgieGirl. We are here for you.
GeorgieGirl, I am also new here. What you are going through I also went through.. You will go through many emotions and will be on a rollercoaster of feelings daily. Be easy on yourself. There is great advice here..
DebbieHi sister,
You are in shock and traumatized. Get yourself a therapist pronto so you can talk it out—not for his sake but so you can keep functioning as a mother by looking after your own health.
This is really important.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. We know exactly how it feels. And it’s just a natural instinct to reach out to your husband and try to support him. But watch carefully to see if he’s reaching out to help you after laying that ugly truth on you. Are you expected to jsut keep rolling along as if now that he’s “known” things should just continue like they’re normal? This is another reason why you need a therapist of your own to treat your trauma. Often once these guys are found out, they actually behave worse towards you—arrogant, cold, critical—as if you owe THEM something now.
Don’t fall down that hole. You don’t.
We’re here.
When you choose new topic, don’t forget to choose the topic category at the bottom or when you hit post, you lose everything. We’ve all done that a hundred times including JoAnn!Dear Georgia, You are in total shock. Do not beat yourself up about how you “should” be reacting. Give yourself some time. The feelings will start rolling in. Your mind is protecting you right now. We have all been there…..
And if you’re in the Atlanta area, steer clear of therapists Bill Herring and Michael Dunn, who claim to be pro-partner and trauma-model. They’re both full of shit. I was re-traumatized by both of them.
Yes this is a shock.. mind numbing, walking in a fog, feeling one way one minute and the opposite the next. It’s as if you haven’t woken up from a dream a nightmare. Be extra kind to yourself…one step at a time. You are in the right place on this site. It has helped me immensely. Wishing you Serenity.
Yes this is a shock.. mind numbing, walking in a fog, feeling one way one minute and the opposite the next. It’s as if you haven’t woken up from a dream a nightmare. Be extra kind to yourself…one step at a time. You are in the right place on this site. It has helped me immensely. Wishing you Serenity.
Wow, you ladies are AMAZING. I can not express how much your kind words and sharing your experences means to me. I am so very glad that I joined this site. You all have great advice.
Just 2 weeks after finding out about my husbands addiction I slept with him. I am kind of freaking out even writing that down b/c I feel like that is so insane. Yes, I used protection. But “saying” it out loud just makes me realize that I am clearly in some sort of shocked state. I do have a therapist and I will talk to her about this b/c I seriously don’t understand my behavior.
My H went to his first 12 step meeting this week, is attending weekly therapy sessions with a SA specialist & today told two of his best friends about his addiction b/c the therapist said he needs “accountability partners”. He is taking some major steps toward sexual sobriety, but honestly I don’t know if it is going to be enough to keep me in this marriage.
We have a 9 months old baby and a 2 year old…I feel so obligated to make this marriage work. Are any of you still married? It seems that “success” stories are very rare to find.Hi Georgiagirl,
I understand how your feeling and just want you to know that we are here for you. It is so wonderful that you have found this site early on in your journey with this.
I am so sad for you that you have to go through this while having the added responsibility of small ones. I am thinking of you and sending strength your way. I know that the sisters here will guide you gently.
The shocked state that you are in is something that each of us have been through. I remember feeling like my arms each weighed 50 pounds, and I could not lift them. I sat on the couch for days not moving. You will need a lot of rest as you move through this and allow your body to catch up.
Don’t beat yourself up about sleeping with him two weeks after finding out. I remember wanting to sleep with my husband right after finding out. I think it is a way of kind of reclaiming your husband, if that makes sense. The important thing to do is to do what feels right for you right now. Take time out to identify with yourself. Which is a very difficult thing to do with little ones needing so much as well. Love your babies up and love yourself up toooo!!!!!
Hugs, Cindy
Hi Sweetie,
Some of us are still married. There are not any success stories we know of yet. I am married and I have 2 kids ( 12 and 14). I was married 19 years with the “perfect” life when I found out. My h went to Dr. Minwalla`s intensive and has been attending the meetings, etc…
He is “sober” right now. And, if it`s any consolation, he is being really sweet and good and kind. I was one of the “spent 6 weeks on the patio in my PJ`s” sisters. I can`t offer you a success story but I can tell you that I survived and I am doing better. I don`t know if I will stay in the marriage or not. I am taking each day as it comes.
You are so early into this. I have known for about 8 months now and I am still reeling at times. Take your time and don`t feel bad about anything you feel or don`t feel.
I feel so bad that you have to find out this kind of crap with 2 young babies but I wish I had found out years ago….
I am so proud of you for reaching out and posting. It`s not easy. We are here for you.
Thank you Cindy and Bev. I have been reading through several of the posts under multiple topics and I feel like I am getting to know everyone’s situations/stories better. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could know what the future holds and could decide to get a divorce now rather than go through all of the work, therapy, money and time that I see a lot of the women coping with if in the end he is not going to be “sober”.
BTW Bev, I love your posts. You are direct, honest and call it like you see it. I love that. Please feel free to always shoot me straight!
GeorgiaGirl,
I had unprotected sex with my husband after we both were tested and everything came back negative. Bad idea. No one ever checked my husband’s body for genital warts and he had one. Now I have nearly a 70% chance of HPV and a much smaller risk of cervical cancer developing. I have to have pap smears every six months now. Also, HIV/AIDS testing needs to be done 3 or 4 months and 6 months after he had his last sexual encounter. The first HIV/AIDS test is not full proof. My counselor had me list everything I was angry about. By the time I read through my long list, I was so angry, I couldn’t sleep for days. A bear that couldn’t catch me was after me and sleep was impossible. I got on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. The anti-depressants have helped me a great deal. I believe I am working through a lot of thoughts quickly because of the calming effect of the anti-depressants and the wise experience available on this website. I stopped having sex with my husband and asked him to leave after 2.5 months. You likely don’t know very much about what your husband did yet. They lie, lie, lie. They are not who we married. I was married 33 years, relationship 36 years.Welcome GG
As all the post above I am sorry your are here but maybe something good will come out this.
I am also new into the group but second time around with an addict. First husband was addicted to young boys and I also had my little one 2,3 and 5.
This time husband admitted now retracted that he is addicted to porn but found chat room with lady that lives in town over dating site Skype With other ladies….so as you mentioned I have lost a month of my life. I understand about the fog
As mentioned make sure you look after yourself even if it is a special coffee or long bath anything that can comfort you.
I am also taking it day by day….
May peace be with you and your
Little onesMarina
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