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What set me off is that my husband had told me that he had started up with his fuck buddy, Sarah about two months after leaving the cyber sex open on MY laptop by “accident.”
Why???
He thought we were too far gone.
what?
And then… after I screamed for him to get out (see my last post in lightbeams— sorry to bend the “light”)— he keeps on going on about how he’s working on “us.”
us???
all of this only made me scream more and more and more and more and more and more. Remember “Carrie”?
It was kinda like that.
I threatened to call the police to come get him.
he’s a sexual predator and we are not safe in his presence.
I’m screaming to my poor boys upstairs
YOUR FATHER WHACKS OFF ON CAM— WHACKS OFF, WHACKS OFF, WHACKS OFF…………..
That worked. finally— he leaves.
I’m now in my room crying into my pillow, but I’ve stopped screaming. I get up and knock on my boys door– soft music is coming out of the speakers (there is ALWAYS music coming out of the speakers in their room— 24 hours a day, when they are home. Yes, 24- hours a day, and its everything from Bach to hard acid rock and everything in between.)
I say… “sorry boys, I’m so sorry.”
“Its okay mom, you do what you have to do,” says my older son and comes over to give me a big hug.”
its all so sad… its just so fucking sad
we were a family, damn it. for all of our trials and difficulties, with OUR CHILDREN (!) we were in this TOGETHER… weren’t we???
Then, how could we possibly have been “too far gone?”
no wait–
I’ve got it.
HE was too far gone.
The rest of us were HERE, the whole time.
how sad.I just want to add something. All of this…
All of this is not just about my husband… it is YEARS AND YEARS OF THE PAIN OF THE ABUSE OF MY CHILDHOOD.
Of being stomped on, beaten, stabbed and cast aside.It was only after the monster had left that I began to be able to breathe again, but its taken a lifetime to understand that I have as much right to suck up the air as the next one.
no man will ever abuse me in any way shape or form, ever again.
I just had no idea that my adorable, sweet, sweet husband could possibly ever do this… He weeped with me, the time I told him about my childhood.
He had taken me to a romantic Inn several weeks after we had met. I was so in love with him… he wasn’t even my “type”… but I loved him madly.
God Lexie,
Is there ANYONE close at hand who you can call to try to come and keep you company? You shouldn’t be all alone and so distraught. I KNOW it is so sad…. Karen xx
my boys are here and have comforted me. They are 21 and 16.
The irony is that they are each a massive handful, although the 21 yr old, has had moments of phenomenal maturity through all of this.
but no… that is one of my problems. There IS no one close at hand. We have no family near by. My husband was my very best friend. This is what is so difficult to comprehend.
We have or HAD a wonderful relationship in terms of communicating and compatibility. It was easy and I loved to make him laugh. 🙁The laughter is all gone now.
All thats left are screams and sobs. He’s dead to me now.
He destroyed the last bit that I was hanging on to.
I stayed too long.
But the boys wouldn’t have been able to withstand this back then.
no, it needed to be now. Thanks so much for your kindness.
Dear Lexie,
My son who needs the kidney transplant is also ADD and it has been very challenging for him and I? he also has great moments of maturity and insight when I least expect it. 🙂
I am going to say something radical here but only because I don’t really know what else to say? Hope you will not axe me through cyber space.
You say and have said for a LONG time that you ad your husband are such good friends and how you really are so distraught at the thought of him NOT being in your life? Maybe you can keep him Lexie…on the condition that you no longer expect him to give what he cannot or will not give. It sounds like there are other good qualities and that on many levels he helps you. Perhaps if you set some clear boundaries about his cyber activity and his lack of contribution financially….maybe you could still have something with him…a different kind of marriage? Sort of like what you suggested to Sharron. All of this stuff really only hurts because we wanted or expected something so different? I am NOT in any way suggesting you settle Lexie…just that maybe you find a way to keep your husband WITHOUT shattering yourself? Our options as we age are somewhat different than when we are young…but that doesn’t mean we don’t have options…it just means we have to be more creative. It seems like maybe you are NOT ready to let him go at this point Lexie? Maybe you should try to step back and ask yourself what is REALLY going t make you feel better at this point in time and then try to focus on that? Try to focus on you, Lexie. BIG HUG Karen
Hi Lexie, is there any way that you can just take a break from this? A vacation of sorts for your mind? Whether it be two days or two weeks, it seems like you need to decompress and train your focus elsewhere and give yourself some TLC. Even if you have huge debt, a couple of days of indulgence won’t make much difference… It’s called survival. Hugs to you, Lylo
I’m too depressed to take a vacation and where would I go by myself? That would just kill me even more.
Karen, I tried doing what you suggested and its a fine suggestion, its just that its been over five years now of this. The marriage of convenience, raising two difficult kids… and then, I fell straight into the arms of predator, the dude who did a real number on me, and how I ended up on JoAnn’s first site nearly two years ago… my husband told me to date. I had no idea that he had been carrying on with these women and more since at least 2002.
THIS is the last straw.
I can’t. I can’t look at him and he’s creeped me out for years. now i know why. he’s a dead horse in the road when he’s not on wellbutrin, but the wellbutrin made him want to look at more porn.
i’ve BEGGED him to get help with his issues for YEARS and he has REFUSED.
AND he can’t support us. And I can’t monitor him or impose “boundaries.”
quite frankly, i think that’s a total crock o shit. sorry. but i do.
first of ALL, I am NOT his mother. Second of all… he’s a geek. he knows how to get around any and all of that.
Third, I’m not getting any.
Fourth, I’m achingly lonely.
I WANT TO GO TO ITALY.
I WANT TO FUCKING LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fifth, I may be 55, but when I’m not crying and screaming and with a touch of makeup, I’m fucking gorgeous. Its very weird, but I seem to be getting more beautiful as I age. Or else, my eyesight is just deteriorating…;)
I have a BEAUTIFUL figure. I mean, y’all are going to absolutely HATE me if you ever meet me.
If I’m going to be married to sex addict, then at the very least, can he be hot and loaded?
but right now, I’m too depressed, and I’m ON meds. I’m crazy, and so lost and devastated and its all too much.
There’s even more… I have an 89 yr old mother and a 65 yr old sister in Wisconsin. Don’t ask. just don’t.
i’m sorry. i need meals on wheels or something. Thanks for your suggestions. Believe me, I’ve considered every possible angle from here to kingdom come.
There’s a big difference between Sharron and me. Sharron LOVES psychodude. I don’t love my husband as a man… and I haven’t for quite some time. I enjoy his company and we’re compatible, but he creeps me out, physically. He really turned out to be a total pussy.
Lexie, by vaca, I mean step away from the grip that this has on your every waking minute. Get good seats to a performance. Mani/pedi, lunch somewhere you shouldn’t, couldn’t. You don’t have to leave town to…leave. Just for a couple of days. Perspective is everything. You are really and justifiably angry. You need soothing.
Hi Lexie,
I understand. Scratch that plan then. 🙂 I know your story and I know what you want? I want it too. I think ANY of us that still live with them or have any necessary interaction feel as you do. So cheated and so lonely? It isn’t fair at all but you have no choice but to try to go forwards. You know what the status quo is.If you don’t buy the boundaries shit (and I am not sure I do) then maybe you can try the letting him go and inviting another healthy man into your life shit? The law of attraction or something? In any event…if you turf him he will HAVE to work and you will have one less mouth to feed. Scrambling for the positives Lexie…sometimes there just isn’t much to work with! Hugs, karen
I’m extremely depressed Lylo. I have all I can do to get myself out of the house– period. Every day there’s some new discovery… like the fact that we have 80k in credit card debt. I can’t step away. I’m on a sinking ship and I’m desperately trying to find a life jacket.
This is not just about the addiction, but the fallout from it in terms of our very lives in a very REAL and tangible way.
I HAVE done those things– concerts, ballets, etc– without my husband, because he’s “not interested” (in anything I am, that is).
I can’t right now. it all makes me heave in phenomenal tears. I seem to be breaking down at the drop of a hat. i need some help. i’m seeing a friend who’s a financial adviser tomorrow. that’s the best i can do, right now.
Oh sorry, Karen… I am such a twit. I just flew by that bombshell about your son. How stressful that must be for you. I hope he pulls through with flying colors!
thanks again, for your suggestions.
i want my life back.
🙁 ok Lexie. I hope your friend can offer good solutions and that brings you some sort of relief. Love, Lylo
Lexie,
I am soooo sorry!!! I want to help somehow, some way!! If we can get your ticket purchased, can you PLEASE come out and see us?? You wouldn’t need one dime!! We will take care of everything for you!! At least you would have something to look forward to and we can solve all the worlds problems on that weekend!!! You have 5 weeks to plan! Consider it??!! Please!! You need to come out!! If I had my own place right now (with no SA, ugh! Living here,) I’d have you come stay for a little while!) Maybe THAT will be my life’s mission when I get my own home! Take in the Lexie’s of the world and nurture them back to themselves!! I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do!!
PS- perhaps at this get together or at an online meeting or something, we should consider starting a (foundation) of sorts – one to raise money to be given to women in these situations because they are stuck financially! They could be given enough to get them on their feet at least… At this moment, I feel like I would give my last dollar to that foundation! And I would work my ass off to raise money for the funds!!!!!
I love you, Lexie!! Can’t wait to hate ya, cause you’re beautiful!!! 🙂
SS, I have been thinking of group homes for hurting partners of SA. It is so much better for her to leave to sort it out and start the healing process and the SA to stay and tend to the responsibilities. There could be a network across the country of compassionate women with empty bedrooms that could temporarily take in those without the means to separate. Not that simple, I know, but…
Lylo,
…..But we could make it happen if we really want to! Add it to the list!! We have some work to do!!!
Love ya and good night!!! XO!
Hi Lexie, So much happens after I go to bed!!
My offer still stands for us to meet up. I am actually free even in the evenings this week, my littlest is on vacation with her dad.I know this point you have reached, its the point of no return. You cannot do it anymore. You try one day at a time, until you just burst, and then thats it. You know when the time has come more than anyone else. I do not have family around either, it sucks. I don’t have any godd friends either, and you do have that. However i do love where i live, it has so much to offer. So that is a sacrifice i make. So i am hoping in my new life i can create a sense of family and friends. But its tough when you go through crises and no family around.
Here for you if you need me,
Love FloraLex,
I am so sorry you are in the depths of despair! Your h is not good for you. After him hearing of your abuse (I am so sorry for that also!!!) and doing this to tells me you indeed do need to get out.
I have a very incredible and forthright counselor who would probably take you on via telephone. If you want her name and number let men know. Wish you could come over and get some support. Take up the offer to come to the slumber party. We want to support you!
Silver Lining and Lylo, I can’t believe we are talking about this. Yesterday, I was pondering what names to give a center for women who were just traumatized by their men. My thought was each women could come for 3 weeks after D-Day, no charge, and get support. I just watched the movie PATCH ADAMS, who started free medical clinics because of his passion for hurting people. Also, this one ministry I just learned about helps young girls who are sex slaves. They rescue them and take them to what is called the Round House for restoration and support. (The project is called Love146.) We could have like the trauma support home. I just heard about a lady who has been married 40 years. All of a sudden her husband wants a divorce. She finds out he is cheating. My therapist, who treats her, said she is sooooooo depressed, and even blaming herself. She asked him to go to counseling before and he refused. I was actually thinking of opening my home once a week for trauma survivors like this women to come in. Anyway, we are thinking along the same lines. Lots of work, but a great cause. Great minds think alike??? xo b
ugh… of course, the fucker refused. if he went to counseling, he’d have to actually FACE HIMSELF, and that’s more terrifying than death, itself. I’m getting out my voo doo doll… and sticking dozens of pins in his dick.
Thank you all so much for the support. SL, you are so unbelievably generous, but I can’t take a dime from anyone. Help, yes, money no. Its my pride. Its just not in my “life script” and it would only make me feel like more of a pathetic loser than I already feel.
I’m looking into my points. So far, I have enough for half of the air fare.Lexie,
Just my two cents here, maybe some time away from it all with some people here would be just what you need right now. Maybe it’s time to change your “life script” just a bit. Maybe do just a bit of a revision to it? It’s a hand up, not a hand out. And you’re NOT a pathetic loser my dear, HE is.
Again, just my two cents….
Hugs,
SSHi Lexie,
If it makes you feel any better, I have the same problem of being “too beautiful” too. (not really-too fat) However, I have “inner beauty” and I just like to think of myself as lumpy but not dumpy.I’m trying to make you smile. So sorry to hear about your heart ache. Your husband is totally clueless and Im proud you have the courage to kick him out.
Thinking of you Lexie and you are much stronger than you think.
Love, Nap
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NAP – My Mom used to say she’s not fat she’s just fluffy! I’m getting to the point where I can say that, too!
LEX – I feel your pain through your words. I agree with the girls that you need some time away. And if you cannot or will not do that, then you need to keep you H out of the house and out of your life. He needs to find somewhere else to stay and you need to cut off communication with him. Hoping you don’t get mad at me . . . I don’t think you should be screaming and arguing with him with you children in the house. You may not realize it now, but this will mentally affect them and it will show up later in life.
Take care my dear and try to calm down a bit.
Love, CB
Calm down a little bit?
How is that supposed to help?
Actually CB, while I agree that its not a good thing to scream. I cannot help it and I stopped as soon as my husband said he was leaving. But, before that, I could not stop it anymore than I can stop my breathing. If you can’t understand this, then I don’t know what to say, but I don’t like being chastised for something I can’t control. When it comes on… and its usually some new little discovery like 80k in credit card debt, It feels like I’m going to die from a combination of grief and fear.
The devastation is on so many fronts, that it’s like a giant piece of machinery that suddenly gets jammed up with all of the knowledge and ramifications.
We aren’t arguing much. He’s back. We IMd a lot today and we’re talking. I saw a financial adviser today.
I also disagree about the harm aspect. If the children are harmed, it is not because *I* was screaming. I wasn’t screaming AT anyone.
I believe the opposite to be true. It is the parent who stuffs down their very real, very palpable emotions that can cause a child harm, later in life. That’s what my mom did when she allowed my father to abuse me physically and emotionally. Yes, the day SHE found her voice was a bit scary, but I got it then, at 14 and I still do. She was my heroine. She saved us.
Children are harmed when their needs aren’t being met or they are being abused in some way and that is not happening here. Harm can also happen when children or adults (for that matter) aren’t allowed to process and talk about things that are happening. Normal human emotion is never unhealthy, its the way its dealt with and we are keeping all lines of communication open and flowing. I am suffering. It is real and I’m not going to deny or stuff down my reality because I believe that letting it out is the only way that I am ever going to heal from all of this.
As a matter of fact, my kids have been absolutely terrific and very supportive to me, and loving to their father. My younger very problematic son has had FIVE perfect days in a row, on his score sheet, out of a possible 33 points. (yes, we have a point system for him)
We are ALL, talking, talking, talking, and especially to my older son who I’m worried about, but its also really good. Its bringing THINGS out into the OPEN which is where they need to be.
I found out tonight, that my older son was exposed to porn at the age of about 11 when he found it “laying around”. I never knew this… He was looking very distressed– very worried. He confessed that he looks at a lot of porn. He also has severe AD/HD.
Guess what? We just might have a nascent sex addict?
I’m on top of this.
Lexie,
I did not intend to chastise you and never would. I was just trying to help. I wish you all the best.
CB
Thank you cbs, I know. This is the worst crisis of my life. Its like a death and a fuck you all rolled into one cataclysmic nightmare, but I’ve been feeling better for the last 24 hours.
I think I got it all out the other night. Oh, I hope so. Believe me, it terrifies me too. I feel like I’m turning into the Incredible Hulkette!
The ironic thing, is that our little family has been the most “functional” its ever been in its entire 23 years.
Its the secrets and lies that decimate families, IMO.
((hugs)) ~ Lexie
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