Primary Placement in Wisconsin

I will get a photo on my profile soon. Helen Reddy sang: I am woman hear me roar, in the 1970’s. I feel like I am finally at the final stage of SA wife trauma in feeling empowered, which is why I chose that username. RE: The Polys: All of my SA evidence has literally just dropped in my lap. When I caught him driving with his newly hired Secretary (Administrative Assistant) (with whom he has had a long working history with) it was a boundary breaker from our original disclosure agreement in 2005. So, I drove by him, thought, “Oh shit. Now what.” Called my 12 Step Sponsor with COSA background and she said: You have to have him polygraphed. I didn’t want to. She insisted (thank God) and I finally listened. He failed the first polygraph because he was using porn at work which he passed off as (of course) “no big deal bc all the reports come to him” I went ballistic pointing out that he was putting his job/our income at risk by “only drinking beer at work, not vodka” He woke up and put some porn use policy in place at work, but as we all know, he probably built his own loop hole into it. He disclosed very early on that there are porn mags in the Dentist’s Lounge at work….I think that is a BIG playing card for me. I purposely brought it up in Marriage Therapy to have it on the record and witnessed and he got VERY upset. Anyhow, after he failed the first poly, I interviewed attorneys and realized I was weak in the money department since I let him manage the money for 10 years. So, I rolled up my sleeves and went into the money closet only to find it was just as messy as I feared and I felt even more unsafe now….I’m not safe sexually. I’m not safe emotionally and I’m not safe financially. At that point, I decided to begin planning my exit. I retained an attorney (behind his back) and just kept telling him I was reading his actions, not his words. He begged for a second polygraph to prove his sobriety. I said No Way — not until you get back from your “busines trip” in Vegas. I was SURE he would fail that poly and I was all poised to file when he did, thinking then he MIGHT have some remorse/guilt I could use to my advantage. SOMEHOW he passed the second poly and I had agreed to one more round of Marriage Therapy if he passed IF I got to pick the Therapist. It bought me more time and also got me a chance to use a witness for stuff I might want on the record. His goal in Therapy was to get the Therapist to recognize my “anger problem.” My goal was to bring up as many SA/ADD poor parenting facts as possible with a witness and also to see where he was vulnerable. I had him served in Therapy and he laughed, but it was a BIG power move for me. I know he’s not sober. I found a magazine in his car I’m sure he’s masturbarting too. I also found a copy of his SA step one which talks about all the SA stuff he never disclosed. I made a copy of that and shared it with my attorney. It sounds like you have to play hard ball with these guys….so, what do I do with the porn in the bathrooms at work knowledge and how to I threaten outing him. I have told a few close friends and he acts now like, “He’s FINE with people knowing hie’s an SA–go ahead and tell everyone.” ?? I’m pretty sure that’s an act, but I am trying to not run around like a Looney Tune hanging out all the dirty laundry….but at the same time, I am tired of being his Cover Story and I would be happy to shout the truth from the Mountain Tops….how do I play that card to my advantage? Oh…during the original disclosure when I asked him WHY a SA would get married, he had a moment of truth…which I will never forget: “Because it’s the perfect cover story.” So, I’m taking away his Cover Story with this divorce and besides not wanting to pay me the majority of the money in settlement, he also, IMO, wants placement because it helps him “save face” as a “Good Dad.” How do I play this divorce hand?? Thanks for listening. This site has all ready been more helpful than all the marriage therapy I’ve been through!!! “I am woman hear me roar in numbers too big to ignore!” 🙂

See, now there’s a tip I didn’t think of on my own….our stories are just so long and heavy and full of so many twists and turns!!! 🙂 My soon to be x-h was fired from his job in 7/05 and disclosed his SA in 10/05. Of course at the time, I believed all the BS about “corporate take overs” but now I look back and wonder if there was more. I will be sure and mention this to my attorney along with the “hostile working environment” with all the porn mags in the “Doctors Lounge” at his place of employment. I’d LOVE to be the one to deliver those punches, but perhaps it might be wiser to let my attorney tell his…it’s his attorneys job to get him so see reality now, not mine. I was truly NOT coda in that I never tracked him (still don’t) Don’t have time and don’t care. I might make a passing comment about taking our hard drive in to a Computer PI though….that oughta make him sweat. You girls have been so VERY helpful! Make no mistake, I had YEARS of crying and self blame as I made my way through the stages of trauma via a 12 step group. I agree, though, they LOVE the coda piece…fits right in to their blame game! NAP – how else do you scare the sh*t out of a SA??? ;-D

That was my Makover picture from last summer. There is a guy in The Twin Cities (google The Makeover Guy) who’s bee on Oprah and specializes in Makeovers of women over 40. I’m 46! I HIGHLY recommend it. People drive/fly in from all over. It’s the ultimate in self esteem booster. My h tried to sabatoge the trip, of course and I cried most of the drive up….but had a FABULOUS time with another girlfriend. We had so much fun, they even videotaped our Makeover and put it out on You Tube. I’m going again, once this damn divorce is final!! NAP–I have been on the silent treatment since his relapse in 11/10. We talk only about kids schedules and you’re right, that drives them crazy!! What seems to bug them the most, I decided, is when you treat THEM the way they treat you….no affection, no emotional intimacy, be unreliable, undependable, difficult to reach….but what I HATE about that is how exhausting and how fake it is. I can’t wait to be untethered from his tornado…and soar again. I feel TERRIBLE about dealing my kids the divorce card. I NEVER saw myself as divorced, but I barely survived his initial disclosure and after 20 years, I just didn’t have a relapse in me!!!