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Yesterday I was given an assignment to begin processing my anger. My therapist had me write out sentences to my husband (never to be given to him) that began “I am angry…” I had three typed pages. I read through these with the therapist today. She stopped me when she could feel emotion or when I was crying to talk about the ones evoking particular emotion. We didn’t get through the three pages, but the process was amazing. Both parts of the process were terrific, but I think I will get the most benefit from the homework. I felt my anger was finally organized and somehow this grounded me. Also, the value was to get to the anger. When I talk to people, I juggle all these balls in the air. I’m an analytical type, so I have to tell my friends about all my husband’s good behavior, I have to talk about the illness, etc. So the anger gets muted unless I say some humdinger angry thing at the end of the conversation, then they realize, “Wow! I forget you should be and are angry because you always talk so logically about this.” Anyhow, this process allowed me to focus completely on the anger, to get to the real emotion. It helped a lot.
Penny,
Thanks for sharing this! My therapist says “I don’t do anger well, I go right to hurt or avoid it” so I think this is a great exercise. I should be mad as hell and sometimes I am and then I’ll default back.
Love, NapI found my angry voice after D-Day. Before that I went to hurt(crying) and silent resentment. I know the payoff was that I didn’t think it was “nice” to be angry and I didn’t want anyone to think I was a bitch. It wasn’t raging maniac anger either. It was just being honest about my feelings and showing proper emotion for the situation.
I’m back to hurt and silent resentment now, although I’ll tell the truth when we talk. Talking doesn’t resolve our problem so I go back to simmering because detachment isn’t logical to me. Detach and be joyful is an oxymoron.
yesterday I had a day of show off of anger, I was very angry with the fucktard and his bitch sister,,,i managed though to keep my voice down, but there was a lot of hatred in my words,
I clearly before I go into any further legal proceeding with this man, has to learn how to hanlde my anger better,
I have a therapist but she had seen my anger as justified to the circumstances we are in, but yet I have maybe to talk to her on how to manage it,,,
thanks for opening this very important topicA woman’s relationship with anger is very complex because we continue to be socialized to suppress and deny our anger, and be nice girls.
All that does is create nasty passive aggressive women. One of the email I got on this site from someone complaining about “angry” women, contained a vitriolic tirade against the women, and called us all kinds of things. She was so out of touch with her rage, and the only permission she gave herself was to critique of all us for expressing out anger.the other myth is that when we express anger, we should only have to do it once. Huh? There are layers of this betrayal and there are layers of anger.
If we lose our capacity for compassion, laughter, joy, etc. because we have decided to be angry all the time, or angry first before anything else—then there is a problem that needs professional help.
Anger is an appropriate emotion for human beings who have endured what we have endured. It is a sign of our sanity. Denying us this emotion, denying the right to express it appropriately is part of the whole need to turn us into utilitarian servants of the Carnes et al model of interpreting, understanding and treating sexually compuslive men and their betrayed partners.
I guess I was raised differently. My mother was a crazy narc BUT I was never discouraged from expressing myself ( angry or otherwise). My opinions and feelings were always valid. So, I just do not have trouble with being angry. In fact, I would question my sanity if I wasn`t angry. I do not have to assault someone to express my anger ( verbally or physically). Anger cannot be ignored. Do so at your own peril.
Diane, as usual, you are so right. And you always state things so beautifully. Thanks for being you!
It took me a LONG time to really get “angry”. I was shocked, hurt, panicked, confused, and eventually NUMB. And I stayed numb for a long, long time. I could discuss the things he did/was doing in a matter of fact, practical voice to my friends and selective family. They constantly looked at me like, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”?!
And what WAS wrong with me??
Finally and thankfully – I GOT ANGRY.
And then, I got divorced.
The End.
Anger gives us the energy and motivation we need to protect ourselves and our children.
I was numb for a long time, too. I felt if I was angry, somehow people would judge me for it (gee, wonder why when STBX was telling people I had rage issues and was mentally unstable). I don’t think anyone ever validated my anger- not my parents, not my STBX, certainly not our marriage counselors. That seems rather silly, looking back. Of course, people get angry.
Marriage counselors/STBX thought I should cry and be sad because he said he got overwhelmed if I were angry. Maybe that’s true, but wasn’t that his problem?
One of them told me that I shouldn’t be angry or have resentment because I chose where I was. Yeah, I chose to be married to a sex addict and be financially dependent because he wouldn’t take the time to help out at home so I could have some kind of life and we had a child with unique needs that needed me to be home (who he also would not help with). I chose to not have any living immediate family. I chose to have heart and back problems. She said when I felt angry, I should just look around and remember how lucky I am. His resentment and anger towards me, she said, needed to be voiced or it would just grow and fester. Ugh.
Debora, I too have found my angry voice. Now I express my anger in the appropriate way as I need to. Before d-day, while I always expressed my true inner feelings to my SA and still do, rather than let it out directly, I would cry in the bedroom hurt and sit on my own in silence, waiting for him to notice and come to me. I was always calm with him. No screaming, no fighting. And him likewise to me. A stark contrast to the dynamics with my mother growing up (I didn’t want to be like her). The fact me and him never ever fought was something that I used to feel so proud about! I thought we were the perfect couple and that we got along so great. It turns out, the truth is he kept all his feelings inside, never told me his true opinions or views, instead let it seeth inside him or he’d bitch about me behind my back to his friends. It was a total shock for me to learn this.
SL, for a few months with my former therapist and with family/friends, I was often able to talk about it as if it had happened entirely to someone else. My strong emotions were just not able to come through, only if I was there with myself in private or to my SA. Everyone would say, “Oh, you seem to be handling this so well”… if only they saw me through the night crying and screaming in gutwrenching agony.
Diane, I love what you wrote. Thank you.
Victoria,
I can relate to sooooo much of what you are saying! Sometimes, it truly felt like an out of body experience. I am so proud and thankful to be out of that mess. (17 years is a big mess)…..
Of course, there are still many issues/feelings/unresolved emotions to deal with…. But all in all, I am finally in a good place.
I hope you can find a peaceful existence as well. Lord knows you deserve it. We ALL do!!
XOXOXO!!!
I can do anger very well and I have never had any problem expressing anger or my feelings. Just the same. i thought the rage I developed around this betrayal and deception would kill me before it let me go. It didn’t kill me though it made me very sick. I finally shook it off and am free of it. Does that negate what he did? Not a chance.
I love you SL Karen xxKaren, I too feel the rage I am feeling will make me very sick if I don’t do something about it. I am going to the doctor tomorrow to get anti-depressants. I’m wondering how you finally shook off the rage?
I would rather rage than be be just completely devastated. I seem to cycle thru the emotions…makes me dizzy to think about it. My son`s 12th birthday was Saturday…I feel like a walking corpse. Too many emotions ( this is the child that my H threw in my face that he didn`t want during fake marriage counseling) I just shut down….
Penny, This anger is so huge for me. We are not married and have our own homes, so I have been at my home and have not spoken to him in 4 days. I don’t feel safe with him and I hate him. I hate him so much. And I hate that I feel this way. I want to process this anger so much and move on. I know it takes time, but I just want to punch a wall or throw a chair! Last night I did cry really hard and punch a pillow, but when will this feeling stop. Assholes!
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