PTSD – any advice?

Hi Deb,

I find I my PTSD symptops become more intense when I spend more time around my SA. Especially the flashbacks. They seems to lessen/calm down slightly if I spend a week without seeing him. He is essentially a trigger for me. But I mean, I do still get triggered while out and about on my own, but I’d say my hypervigilence certainly reduces to a level that I can at least semi-cope with and avoid having a total complete massive breakdown. When my PTSD is at it’s worse, I feel like my mind is fractured into a million shaking painfully trapped pieces. I feel like I’ve snapped and can’t think, move, breath. It feels so debilitating!

We are separated, and haven’t lived together for over 1 year now – I left after discovery. My PTSD is so very bad since, I can’t imagine how it would have been if I had stayed living with him. I’d probably be dead by now, I honestly don’t know how I would have coped with it being stronger. But I imagine if I fully leave him entirely, or he leaves me (which is what his active addiction currently wants) I think my PTSD would eventually improve because I’d finally be out of the ongoing trauma and emotional captivity. That is essentially what us partners are in… It’s not a single traumatic event, as if it’s all over once we have discovery/disclosure, it’s ongoing prolonged trauma…. and that’s why I believe the trauma model therapists, at least Dr Minwalla, consider many partners’ experiences to be more along the lines with Complex PTSD. Did he talk much about this in the ISH partner intensive? Once we’re out of the prolonged trauma, I assume it would seem some of the symptoms would improve/reduce with dedicated therapy work? I’d love to know others insights about this, especially those who have left their SA’s for good.

My advice would be to learn some relaxing breathing techniques to get you through tough moments once you’re triggered. It’s helped me a lot when I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, or if I’m nervous about going somewhere that I know will have a lot of triggers. Also, in that type of situation where you know you’ll be triggered and can’t avoid it, it’s good to pre-plan ways to cope, eg. a powerful sentence or affirmation you can repeat in your head, some distraction techniques, carry a special meaningful photo that you can look at – one that will make you feel safe, happy, loved etc. Things like this are not going to stop/cure your PTSD, but they will help you manage it.

There’s also a phone app that has been a blessing for me, PTSD Coach, it’s from the Dept of VA. You can track your symptoms in a neat graph and they have exercises you can do depending on what’s happening. Also if you haven’t already, read Barb Steffen’s book and also the PTSD Sourcebook which JoAnne kindly offers on SOS.

Love Victoria.

Dear Deb,

I think sometimes when we attend workshops or are really going to some intense therapy, it can bring up wounds and pain. It can almost re traumatize, in a way. As we re-visit old wounds that need healing.

Returning to emotional mayhem of life with Sa after a workshop like that, probably not the best landing, so to speak. try to focus on you, what your needs are here.

My shrink was going to recommend going out on short term disability leave for 4 to 6 weeks. I never did end up taking it. But, your job (if you have been there a year or more, even if part time) is protected under FMLA. they have to hold your job for you if need time off. PTSD is a serous health condition that can be covered for protected time off from work.

just a thought. in case you need it. I wish I had done it. we are not machines.

Deb, fwiw, my mother delivered 3 children over a 29 month time span and came t-h-i-s close to suffering a nervous breakdown. Seriously, I truly don’t know how you have come this far with your mind intact. And that’s just with the 4 kids, not to mention the health issues and, of course, the bastard husband. You ARE a superwoman. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Love, Liza

I am so sorry. The trauma is so debilitating. I cannot imagine going through it with triplets. Antidepressants helped me, but you are already doing that. I just wanted to post to caution you about disclosure. I know in some ways you want to know the details. With your PTSD already so severe, I worry about how a disclosure will affect it. For me, the times that I learned more about what my H was doing made it all so much worse. I couldn’t stop crying, and whenever I brushed my teeth my gag reflex was so sensitive I would start retching and couldn’t stop.

For some, disclosure might have been freeing (maybe?) For me, it worsened the PTSD. Be prepared. Have some things in place to help take care of you afterwards. Maybe a counselor visit. Time with a friend who knows and understands. Whatever supports and helps you. Maybe time apart from your H until you can handle seeing him. It’s different for everyone.

Take care.

Here is my 2 cents for whatever it’s worth. When a ” normal” person hears the phrase PTSD, they sort of automatically think of a soldier that has been in a war zone. No one remote sane would think that sending that soldier back to the warzone would be helpful. Well, we live in the war zone!! Triggers are everywhere… My h can make a simple statement about the price of gas and I have a breakdown hissy fit about the price of hookers!! I cannot lessen trauma symptoms while still engaged in the trauma. Rape victims do not eat dinner with their attackers!!! Anyway, however you can, create space for you and a ” time out” word or signal. I am stil on my back patio and my H is not allowed put here unless I say so. He is not allowed in my bedroom without my ok …. It isn’t perfect but it’s what I have for now. God Bless you Deb ( and all of us). Take a break from the trauma and find you a peaceful safe place:)
Bev

Why should you be “grateful” that he’s seeing anyone (therapist)? He’s not doing you any favours, Deb. He’s a sick fucking lying bastard whose life is a piece of shit and you are the only real authentic thing in it. He should be on his knees grateful to you for every moment you are in this relationship, good or bad. He should be pinching his slimy skin every minute of every day that you are there. He should be on his knees thanking God for any therapist willing to let his sorry ass into the office.

But hey, that’s just my opinion.

Yes Pam!! You are so right and doing the right thing (IMO). I am staying ( letting him stay) because I am too crazy right now to make decisions… Hence the patio!! Everything you described is exactly how I feel. AA crazy as I am right now I still have the feeling that we are dealing with some really sick guys. It’s just downright scary. There is something very wrong with men that act this way and it not my fault…. You should have heard the crap he threw at me to blame me for everything before I found out about his “secret life “. Normal people don’t do that.

Yes, Bev…sort of like what Diane said? Karen xx

well I am just glad that you feel a bit better — the right words at the right time– i have found many a moment on this site that has helped me get to a better place.

you have a lot going on. if you can take a drive or a walk, just to get out and clear your head, i have found that it helps. just a change of atmosphere sometimes, is worth its weight in gold. there is no way, someone can really console the pain of waking up in your marriage and finding so much of it was deceit and betrayal. whether its 2 years or 40, at some point we have to decide whether any more of our precious time is going to go into it or not.

I mean I don’t have a crystal ball. I can only share from own experience. And at one point, boy was I sad and feeling hopeless all the time.

Then one day Bev. It turned to anger. I was pissed off that i was dealt the hand that I was dealt. I was so mad I couldn’t even feel sorry myself anymore. That anger is actually al healthy one. It gave me the strength to make tough calls. One day, Bev, when the dust settles and you are looking over the patio, and your H isn’t playing ball with you for 100th time. Look out. Here comes Bev.

I understand exactly how you feel. I still have to live with my “thing” and it’s like living with a person who raped you. Constant flashbacks, etc. I never get a moment to myself because I need to take care of my 3 year old. It’s been 2 years since d-day, and I finally was able to find the time to go to a therapist. I’ve been seeing her for about 3 weeks and was officially dx’s with PTSD, depression and panic {I’ve had panic for more than 10 years, so that wasn’t a surprise}. I took a series of tests that gave us this information. So I am now slowly working on it, although I’m only in the infant stages. I do find that quiet time to myself sometimes doesn’t help, because once I have a chance to think about things, it all comes flooding back like a tsunami. But Im sure that will change {at least I hope}