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Ladies,
I wanted to start a different post for this topic and not include it on my update. I am looking for information about PTSD. I’m sure we all must have it to a certain degree, given what we have been through and continue to go through. But, I almost feel like I may have it on a pretty serious level and I’m not sure what to do about it. And, I could be over reacting. I am still managing to make it to work every day (but barely and usually late, not that anyone there cares) and I don’t take near as much pride in my appearance or how long it takes me to get ready for work. For example, I use to take a good hour to get ready, shower, makeup, hair, get dressed. Now though, I take my shower the night before and literally sleep until the last second (or later). I have my clothes ready – (and thankfully this is a very informal job and I don’t have to dress up or anything) but still…. I used to take such pride in my appearance. I still do the “girl” thing, my nails and pedicures, get my hair done on schedule, etc. But it’s the day to day routine that I have really changed and NOT for the better.
Also, my sleeping habits are completely out of control. I get my second wind about midnight and literally have been staying up till 4, 5, or 6 in the morning… Doing nothing but reading, talking to my late night gf’s on phone, facebook, SOS, etc. And it seems to slowly be getting worse. The past couple of weeks, I probably average about 4 hours sleep a night. I look like shit and feel like shit. I am so unmotivated, it is not even funny. Honestly, I am so completely overwhelmed and stressed out over this divorce, my upcoming move, and all the work that it entails and I am just SHUTTING DOWN. Literally. I can just feel my brain shut down and refuse to address any of this shit that needs to get done. I know I mentioned being “frozen” right now in someone else’s post, but I have really thought about it lately, and I have turned into an eskimo I am so frozen!! I have done absolutely nothing lately toward packing up, weeding out, garage sale?, getting my Dad’s rooms ready for me, putting my proposal together for my lawyer, finish inventorying the house, etc. When I am not working, I am sitting somewhere either on SOS or just staring into space or occasionally talking on the phone. That’s it. I have weeks and weeks of work to do (and it is getting down to crunch time) and every time I even THINK for 5 seconds that it is time to start a task – my brain literally will not work and I force myself to think of ANYTHING but that and continue to not address any of the issue. I mean, it started out as a few days and I just thought I needed a little break, but they turned into weeks and now the weeks have turned into months. I have done NOTHING. i can’t make myself do it. I don’t know what to do. I am not a lazy person – but it is like a big BLOCK in my way every time I even try to think about it. I was going to start with AT LEAST a friggin LIST of everything I need to be doing (because besides divorce I also have other things to do – help plan our slumber party, I am exploring a business opportunity, I am going to Florida with my son over his Fall break, etc. ) In other words – I have shit to do – and lots of it!! But my mind wont work and my body won’t move and I just don’t know what to do. I have had people offer to help, but so much of it I really need to just be doing myself and I don’t even WANT anyone else involved.
I don’t know if I should be speaking to my primary care doc about this or what? I have told my therapist a little about it – that I have been in a frozen state, etc. and I even read her Deb’s latest post about cutting off her leg, etc. and she completely understood where I was coming from – but she only sympathized with me and said she wouldn’t want to do it either and she could see why I am not doing anything!! Ok, that is nice and thanks for the support – but what am I suppose to do? Don’t get me wrong, I love my therapist and she is awesome. I always pull myself together pretty good when I go see her and we really connect and I think that she really just thinks I’m fine for the most part and that once I get that asshole out of my life, I will move on quite nicely and things will settle down.But, I have decided that I am not FINE, and I need some help of some sort but I don’t know where to turn?? I know what PTSD stands for and I can pretty much figure out what it means – but how is it diagnosed and how is it treated? I just feel a little piece of me slipping away every day and I am scared…..
Just FYI – I am currently taking the anti-depressant Celexa. I feel that it has done wonders in keeping me calm and helping me have clarity. However, this lack of motivation/frozen thing is really starting to worry me. Every day I say I am going to get up and do this and do that. Every day, I don’t check ONE thing off my list.
Help!!!!
Hi Silver,
I have tried to call you because I’m worried about you. Everything you described sound like PTSD. What happens is your brain gets so overwhelmed and tasks can retrigger trauma and anxiety that your brain just kinda shuts down….the result “frozen”…cant do much, difficulty making decisions, very, very slowed functioning.You have so much on your plate right now, its VERY overwhelming and the divorce process is VERY stressful and him being a total jerk doesnt help.
I have it and thats why it took me 2 months after i got my house to move into it. I would go look at refrigerators and become totally overwhelmed and have to leave the store, then I was afraid to go back. I finally had a childhood friend fly to come help me for 5 days, without her, Id never have gotten it done.
I take an anti anxiety med daily and take lunesta to sleep. Its very difficult to function so I hope you can get some help Silver because you need to have people helping you.
Love, Nap
thank you Nap! I am at my Dad’s tonight, borrowing his computer to type my updates. My phone is on the charger now. Im sorry I missed your call. If you have time, give me a try tomorrow! That would be great! Thanks, Nap!
Love ya!
No advice tonight honey, but just to say that your symptoms mirror mine to a T. I am finding myself awake at 3 and even 4 AM and I’m someone who normally needs 8-9 hours of sleep. (but I am forcing myself to go to bed early, tonight!)
I wake up feeling like i was hit by a truck and about this time, I WAKE UP.
And yes. Frozen. Catatonic, except for hyper-focusing on y’all.
OR— hitting the panic button, calling 911 and then an hour later, find myself in handcuffs being taken the the ER in a squad car!
wtf is happening?
But, I think that Nap’s advice is very good and as trite as it is… baby steps.
The slumber party is not a priority. The fall break is probably after that, so also not a priority. Pick the one thing that is a priority. Maybe that’s the business deal, because that means money.
Look, you are not frozen… you are traumatized. But you have a great lawyer who’s going to make your SA shit in his pants (with foaming diarrhea and copious amounts of noisy, smelly, wet farts to go with it!)
Honey, please know that this evil man, IS going to get his.
Now, please stop offering us money. You need to hang onto every penny that you have. 🙂
Did I say “no advice?”
hahaha!
love ~ L
Hi sweetheart,
My heart breaks because I wish I had the answers. I know that I have not been formally diagnosed with PTSD, but I’m pretty sure I have it. I’ve had the same questions as you (re: diagnosis), and I am actually planning to bring it up to my therapist this next week, esp after the reaction I had after my recent incident with my SA and his computer.
Explore ALL of the avenues. I have actually been on two antidepressants over the past couple of years. I’ve also had dosages adjusted because at one point last year, I was feeling so unmotivated and lethargic. So that’s an angle you can check. I know my medical Dr. has been so reassuring when I would describe problems or issues I might be having with my antidepressant.
I wish I didn’t live so far away, or I would come help you make lists, pack stuff up, and do whatever. It sounds like you have an amazing family. Don’t be afraid to call upon them. It sounds like they’d be there for you in a flash.
Love you and I’m here for ya!! ZGAnd p.s.,
I just read Lexie’s post, and I agree with her 100%!! You hold onto your money, girl. You are caring to a fault. And I agree about the priorities. I know you love the slumber party plans, and the trip with your son. But don’t put them at the top of your list. You don’t have to be the worker bee for the slumber party. We can all find our way there, and we can all even go food shopping for crappy fattening food when we get there. Just take care of you, and get your priority stuff done!! I love you and I don’t want you to burn out.I agree with ZG and Lexie, just take care of you right now and move at your own pace….please dont worry about the slumber party, people will find food!!! You just need to take it real easy right now. If someone you trusts offers you help (and money) take it.
Love, NapWow. You have made me think tonight. First of all, your husband is a low down, no good, inconsiderate jerk and I’m so glad you are divorcing. Money is nice but it’s not everything and it won’t buy you happiness. If he has a conscience it will eat him up inside that he has done this to you at some point in his life. (I know what that kind of a loss feels like, short story, in Calif. the ex husband has to pay alimony for life or until the ex wife remarries. My SA was divorced and paying alimony when we got together. About one year into our marriage she called and asked for $10,000 and she would drop the alimony payments. He agreed to do that and a month later she remarried. So he wouldn’t have had to pay alimony any more anyway. We were robbed; that’s the way I see it.) It hurts to be swindled like that, but you put it behind you and move on. That’s all you can do.
Second of all, I just realized, after reading your post that I have changed immensely. Not just since D-day but since the day I married SA and he moved into my house. I used to be a very organized and clean freak when it comes to my house. As time passed into this marriage I found it increasingly difficult to maintain my house in the manner in which I used to do so easily. I was getting behind in everything and it became overwhelming. And while I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, i believe that those were early signs of recognizing my new husband was the problem, yet I couldn’t see it. His behavior was nothing like it was when we were dating. But I brushed it aside, thinking I probably was over thinking things. I had been single for 18 years prior to SA moving in with me so I thought I was just being picky and that I needed to learn how to live with someone all over again. I look back and i think I knew something but just didn’t know what. As time went on, I still couldn’t get back to my way of doing things. i felt like I had lost myself. But I kept brushing it off.
Since D-day, my lack of organization and care of keeping things clean has gotten worse. And I live daily in loose fitting oversized t-shirts and baggy pants. I just don’t seem to care anymore. Except that when I have to go out in public I do put my nice jeans and a nice shirt on. But to this day I don’t wear makeup but I do keep my hair nice (well as nice as thin, straight, fine hair can be!). So, there’s some hope there and occasionally I get into spurts (and yes it’s usually late in the evening) where the old me emerges and I clean and organize just like the old days and I feel so good when I’m done. Come morning I think I’m going to continue that spurt but the lack of energy comes right back and sitting with a cup of coffee and the computer (checking email and SOS and Facebook) seem to become more important.
I wonder if I have PTSD as well. When you find some answers, let me know!
I agree with the sisters about your priorities. You need only focus on you and what you need. And keep your money in a safe place. It’s wonderful that you are so caring of others and wanting to help others. I think alot of us are very much the same way. But right now you need to keep all the money you can get your hands on so that it will be there for you. You will need it and you’ll be so glad that you have it when the time comes.
I wish I knew you personally. You sound like such a beautiful person. If only we all lived in the same neighborhood we could have our own reality show and then money wouldn’t be a problem for any of us!
Wishing you all the best and sending many hugs.
CB
SL, thanks so much for starting this topic as I think it is something that we all have to deal with. Your symptoms are classic and I know that this last episode with Larry has brought back all the symptoms for me.
Your topic has given me the focus to do some research so that I can post information here that I think will help everyone to understand PTSD and find the resources for help with the disorder.
In the meantime I have found a couple of books that seem quite good. I have added them to the ‘Books’ page in the main menu above.
PTSD is extremely disabling and tends to come back in full force when we are under stress or encounter something that reminds us of our original trauma, such as when our husbands have a slip or new information comes out.
One of the most important healing mechanisms is support of family, friends and community as well as finding a good counselor.
I’m sure that Ella will have a lot of input here as she is a great resource for acknowledging and treating the PTSD in partners of Sex Addicts.
Be sure to listen to Barbara Steffen’s interviews, as she talks quite extensively about PTSD. Take care of yourself, try to eliminate as many stresses as possible (Yeah-I know) and just make finding a sense of calm in your daily life your highest priority.
I’m right there with you Sister, but one thing I can promise, it does get better.
Oooooooops! I thought I had uploaded the Barbara Steffen’s Interviews to this site. I haven’t.
So, I will work on that today, but for now you can listen to them by going to the MTSA site by clicking here:
cb,
Wow! You gave me food for thought. I have really struggled for awhile with keeping up with my home and being organized in the way I want to. If I put two and two together, it seems like it started back around the time of d-day 1. Interesting… I should also add, though, that it may be more depression than PTSD, but the timing came along with the anxiety of an emotionally-absent husband, followed by the huge implosion in June of 2009. I do work with my Dr. on tweeking my antidepressants, and I think things are getting better. I do feel that’s why running has been the one thing that I’ve been able to do…just get out there and go without thinking. Thank God for that.
JoAnn, thanks for the information. I, for one, can’t wait to get all I can. xoxoDear Sl,
You could be talking about me exactly! I am up all night, I cannot get motivated to do anything, I put off things until I absolutely have to do it. I find I don’t care about my apperance and have to force myself to even dye my hair. I have gained a ton of weight which is something I already struggle with as I am hypothyroid and insulin resistant.I have a shipment of furniture in Asia for a year and another in the UK. I rarely go out, keep to myself and feel as if I have no idea how to go forward. It is so bad I have not been to Singapore to see my breast Dr since Dec 2010. I know I need to exercise, I know I need to do something like yoga, I know I should go to church….but instead I just come on here and read or surf in general. I cannot even get it together to find a good therapist, go on an antidepressant, choose a country to live in, feel completly stuck with him and cannot fathom in a 1000 lifetimes how I will possibly cope when my son’s kidneys fail (he only has 10% function). I know I have PTSD because unlike some of you who had hints, found some evidence over the years ect ect, when I found out it came from out of nowhere after 20 years. He may as well have said he was having sex with 5 yr olds or was a mass murderer. I remember looking at his mouth and seeing his lips moving BUT having NO comprehansion what he was saying…
Anyway, SL, I COMPLETELY understand what you are saying and here is my take? When we develop a physical disease or wound, like a car accident it takes many many weeks to recover and heal? A psychological wound is NO DIFFERENT? The body interprets it in the same way and begins to shift resources to heal the wound. Rest, stress reduction, a quiet enviroment, a break from daily chores, a break from socializing ect are as necessary to heal a psychological wound, as a physical one? The prolonged agony and stress of living with the person you married, while they continue to betray you, hurt you, abandon you and gaslight you is a HUGE emotional stressor and it eventually depletes your reserves. You end up just running on empty….and you come to this forum because you feel this is the only place you are really heard and understood? That is the only relief from the pain. From what I know of trauma it is the linking of the emotion to the event that creates trauma. Apparently ALL our memories are stored with a corresponding emotion attached to it. The stronger the emotion, the clearer the memory. That is the reason you cannot remember what blouse you wore to work last week but there is a good chance you remember what your husband wore on your first date,,,IF the date was significant? We can all remember with crystal clarity the first D day, but we often cannot remember what we had for supper 3 days ago? The body actually stores traumatic memories in such a way that talk therapy does NOT do the trick. If it worked we would have ALL released our trauma just venting on this board? My understanding is that trauma is released when the emotion stored with the memory is isolated and processed. EMDR, somatic body therapy, meditation and even massage can facilitate this process? I don’t fully understand it all, BUT I know that I am not “letting it go” with just talking. I often feel I am just recycling rage and there is little peace. AS SOON as I decide if I am staying here or going to the UK, I am going to try to find a trauma therapist and start trying some of these techniques.
Anyway, SL I just wantedto say you are not alone and I am also experiencing these symptoms. I don’t know you $$ situation BUT it sounds like your husband has some money and that he will have to give you alimony or support or cash. I think it is good to work, BUT I am wondering if it is the best time for you right now while u are trying to get out of your home? You are so emotionally burdened already? If I were you I would shed ANY responsibilities you can for a few months. You can always take the world by storm later? 🙂
Thinking of you. Karen xxI agree with Karen. I would not worry about doing more, being more…more more more!!!
You have had so much going on Silver (and karen) its okay for a while to take a break. Granted we want to stay out of depression or other illnesses which may not be so good for us. But we deserve down time too, and should not have to feel bad about it.
One thing having lived with an addict is that we have taken on soo much and overcompensated..we ARE exhausted. Our bodies need time to recover!! If after working 8 hours, cleaning the house we don’t want to do anything but SOS …so what?? Its a happy healthy place for us. Its healthy becaue we do not have to feel ashamed about what has happened in our life, we get support from others and we have a place we can be oursleves. It give you time to process the terrible things that happened…and it will take time a year +/-. While i hear many of you saying all i can do is SOS, Atleast you are doing that!! Atleast you got out of bed!! And that is a good place to start. Eventually one day you will be able to take more steps forward.
But try to take care of the basic needs for yourself. Make sure you take your vitamans, get exercise, and eat. Take care of your physcial health and take care of your kids. The rest can wait!! One day you will feel better. One day it will all start to fall into place. I find that i have become unfrozen as time passed, as i felt better, and as each step comes and goes. It will not happen quickly, PTSD or not. Our bodies and minds have taken on soo much, that if we took on more right now you would probably implode. Its your time to just be…and just be you for who you are right now.
Love, FloraSL, Karen,CB, Flora, and all,
Thankyou for sharing your specific state of being.
Fortunately for me, I didn’t find out about this untill my children were grown so I didn’t have to try to function normally with this knowledge. I did, however, have to function in the pain and confusion beforehand. That is also difficult.
Although, I didn’t work out of the home for 25 years, except for different kinds of odd jobs and a home business making soap and lotions, etc., I was very busy and alive. Since my D-day, and the subsequent stonewalling with my H about the level of work he would need to do, I have also been very PTSD-like. The initial shock but also knowing I have not had a full disclosure, the realization that this is the reason for my suffering though life and foremost the fear of the future if there is not active recovery.
I didn’t buy a calender this year and a few weeks ago every clock in my house had a different time, dead batteries,a poer outage, etc. I didn’t fix them and realized I didn’t know what day or time it was, unless I got on SOS and looked at my computer. I enrolled in an Algebra course, because I only need three classes to finish an associates degree, but in my third class I couldn’t think to process a problem and then looked in the middle to end of the book at the problems and had an internal meltdown (math is NOT my thing) and I drove home frozen, missing two turns to get here, and decided to cancel the class because I knew I couldn’t do it this term. It’s OK. I can’t sleep, wake up in a panic that this is my real life. I don’t want to fix anything to eat, it’s way too much work to make a salad so I’ve been eating a lot of chips. I’ve been sitting a lot, ruminating, reliving the trauma. I’ve been fanatasizing a bit about how there might be someone who would flirt with me and kiss me. I haven’t done much housework, only enough to keep up, no deep cleaning or organizing either. I know I need to get into our finances but I haven’t. I should be sorting through 25 years of stuff but that sounds like a big job.
Karen, yes, thankyou for describing the psyche talk of trauma. I did order a book called by Karl Leman MD (psychriatrist), called Outsmarting Yourself, on rewiring therapy and trauma brain science. I heard of this book through Marsha Means website, http://www.awomanshealingjourney.com, from a counselor on there, Jodi, who I did a couple phone sessions with. It does describe it exactly like that.
So, I am being forgiving of myself and trying to do a little everyday. If I do my hair and makeup, I feel so much better. I am going to Al-Anon. It’s cheap group therapy and it gets me out and helps to hear others stories and encouragement. They get it.
I am canning tomatoes today.
Love y’all,
Debora
Thanks ladies for sharing all of your insight, experience, and especially personal information. It’s kinda hard to admit to someone that even wiping your ass can seem like a chore these days, lol….
Today, I am actually doing the rest of my inventory in the house and garage. Whew! What a job! The rest of the week will be spent putting a proposal together and hopefully putting the screws to SA….Â
I have promised myself that this is the last Holiday weekend that I will spend alone, in mourning, exhausted, etc. My friends and family are out boating, golfing, camping, cook outs, the way they should be. I WANT TO GET THERE!!!Â
Lots of hugs and love to all!!Â
Bumping this back up to the top, because reading it is really helping me feel less alone, and I know it will help other sisters too. I think for many of us we are probably in a habit of minimizing our symptoms. Sometimes I tell myself that my exhaustion and lethargy is just laziness. Other times I seriously start to wonder if I’m going prematurely senile, because of the mental confusion and the way my brain seems to still be moving so slowly. While I wish none of us had this going on, it is very reassuring to read about similar experiences and to read how you deal with it. xoxo
Again, I’ll recommend EMDR for PTSD. It helped me so much. A good book is Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine. I know the posts here are old, but as for what we’re wearing/how we’re handling our appearance, I am far less likely to dress in a way that would garner attention from men. I don’t want to be objectified. In the past, I enjoyed trying to look “hot” when I went out with my husband, but not any more. I don’t want him to think of me that way, either. The goal now is understated, under the radar. Not that it’s hard these days, nearing 50.
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