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My Dearest Sisters,
This site is the achievement of almost a decade long dream. As I read the wisdom and gentle compassion, courage, strength and humor that you wonderful women share here it just fills me with such a sense of accomplishment.
I started my first website for partners of Sex Addicts in 2005, just after my D-Day. That site, HardPromisesToKeep.com had a blog (which was relatively new at the time) and I wrote a few articles every now and then.
Well that site never went anywhere. At that time Sex Addiction was barely known and still a bit of a taboo and any recognition that the partners needed healing or a special place was non-existent. I even remember Larry telling his counselor that I had started a website for partners and he pretty much made fun of it, saying, ‘Who is ever going to go there?’
All I knew was that I needed so much more that was available and if I needed it, I knew there must be many other women who needed their own special place too.
In 2006 I started the marriedtoasexaddict.com site. By 2008 the public awareness of Sex Addiction had increased but there was no mention of, or place for the partners. The married site seemed to catch on and I had also gained enough web experience to be able to build a site that was easy to use and had all of the components to catch the attention of google and other search engines.
As the married site evolved I saw the need for a site where women could freely share back and forth. A place that offered privacy and safety, away from the prying eyes of every web surfer in the world.
So I rolled up my sleeves and got to work on that and the Sisterhood was launched in early 2011. There were more than just a few hiccoughs in the beginning but considering the complexity of the site I feel very proud of it.
I often just stare in wonder at all of you beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, open, honest women. Your wisdom humbles me and I am stunned at the generosity that I see you offer to each other both in time and support.
I feel that the site has matured into the vision that I had.
But, nothing is perfect and nothing is static. I realize that I must always keep up with the warp speed changes in technology as well as the ever changing needs of the Sisters.
So, dear Sisters, I need you to put on your thinking caps for me.
I mentioned in another post that this has been a bad week for me. I have received four e-mails criticizing the site for being negative. Three members have cancelled their subscriptions for that reason.
Now, criticism is nothing new, it happens all the time, but four e-mails in less than a week did get my attention.
Maybe I am just too close to the situation, but I don’t feel that their criticisms are valid. We have decided to call a spade a spade, to not sugar coat reality and to not give false hope to anyone. The truth is difficult to face when dealing with Sex Addiction, but eventually the cold harsh reality must be assimilated or we can never move on to make healthy informed decisions.
But, are we possibly not serving our tender, ripped open raw newbies who are just not ready for our boldness? If not, how can we offer them what they need?
I certainly do not want anyone to feel as if they cannot express themselves and speak their truths. I do not want to make anyone feel as though they have to walk on eggshells—damn, we have all done far too much of that with our SAs. Any form of censorship or restrictions, other than that we all treat each other with respect, in counter intuitive to my vision and my values.
So, how do we integrate the wide range of issues, experiences and situations that each of you have? I thought the various ‘Groups’ separating the issues was a good solution. But they do all seem to blend together.
I had one idea, and I would like your input. What if there was a totally separate forum for newbies? A separate forum with topics that offer more basic information, topics geared toward those who have just discovered, or rediscovered or think there might be a problem with Sex Addiction in their relationship? All members could access both forums and both would still have the privacy and security features that we absolutely require to feel safe.
Okay, that’s my idea, but implementing it would be monumental. To start, you can only install one forum on each domain. I would have to have the second forum set up on a totally different website and have cross links between them. It would take months to perfect before launching.
That’s my lonely little idea. What are your ideas?
Do you even think it’s necessary?
Am I just having a bad day and feeling overly sensitive to the complaints of women who just did not fit here, or who were still staunchly mired in denial and I am an easy target for their anger because I challenged them to see the truth?
Would a different site with a ‘softer’ tone compromise the whole purpose of our vision; the vision of changing the harmful, skewed view that the general population has about Sex Addiction and its treatment?
Should I just let these critics move on to the many existing sites that will feed them the syrupy pablum of false hope and rosy futures with their fully recovered Mr. Wonderful?
Tell me your thoughts my dear Sisters.
Much love to all ~ JoAnn
hi joann,
i believe each person that deals with this will find their own solution that will fit best for them. maybe it’s cosa meetings, alanon meetings, 16 step groups, individual counselling, or sisterhood of support.
none of these sources are going to be a fit for everyone.
i think you should be true to your vision. be honest. and yes sisters should express themselves freely.
the idea of a separate forum might be a good one, but it sounds technologically immense! i know at the beginning for me, diving into unbridled discussion hit me hard.. but a week later and i was up to speed…
maybe a simpler solution would be to create some kind of packet of information and resources that could be sent or accessible for newbies… and newcomers could have the recommendation that they perhaps access the information before joining forums…
please do not beat yourself up for doing something good joann.
none of us have the answers, we are all searching for our own individual way of working through this.
i think this site balances my cosa meetings well, and as i’ve said, i see it as my loving dose of reality. it helps me stay out of denial of how destructive compulsive sexual behaviour can be…
It is what it is. Meant to be an honest forum and it is. You are so compassionate, of course you want everyone to get what they need,r and they will, maybe not here. I remember when I first came on I dreaded Lexie’s replies to my posts. It is so hard to hear those things when you are trying to cling to hope. But why foster false hope?
Exactly, SL! I miss her so much. Soft words, hard words, they are all gifts from another perspective. Maybe there should be a blacbox warning over forums: “exposure may be hazardous to a continuation of denial”. Well, that was harsh, but who are they to want a custom designed world. They want real people in the real experience to share with, right? So now they want to censor real feedback and sharing? Please slap me if I am wrong, but isn’t choosing to see only what you want a codependent symptom? Or at least denial? Reality.
Well I loved this site and always have. What I found so stiffling about COSA was you could never discuss the addict or the situation. You could only discuss yourself and what you were doing. That is not what i needed. I liked the freedom to find your way and you read what you read and if you like it take it to heart, if you don’t…let it wash away from your memories. It either strikes a cord or it does not. There are many many sites for spouses who are working on recovery with their h’s. recovery nation, marsha means has some stuff, cosa, sanon, phone support groups etc.
I guess my only idea is to create two portals. One for staying and working it with your addict and the other not. I assume that the more harsh critics and least likely proponet for staying with the addict are the ones with a foot out the door, seperated, divorced etc. Maybe we are not the best for dispensing advice to the newbies…becasue as we all know and we did it ourselves, that all we want to hear at that stage is that recovery is possible and that everything will be fine and he will never have a slip. That my spouse is better than all the others, he loves me soo much and we can beat this.
That could be the best way to go. I would not allow them to jump from one to the other, becasue they will still jump to the other and be “upset” at the negativity. But the perceived “negativity” is often the truth. And in time we all find our way to the truth even if it is in a week or 20 years. cringe.
That is my best idea…:-) You are the best JoAnn!
When I first came on the site , I was overwhelmed also. But, being the “loudmouth” that I am , I just jumped in and started asking questions. I knew some answers were not a fit for me. I also NEVER felt any sister was negative or mean or judgmental. I am a grown up woman and after SA I can handle whatever anyone wants to throw at me…
I also took ALOT of time to go back and read everyone`s story so I wouldn`t just jump to the conclusion that a sister was just being bitter… Once you scroll back and read Pam`s stories ( I `m just using Pam because the dog water in her face just made me cringe) and now Pam is out of that hellish marriage. So, Pam`s posts made sense to me……Sorry to use you Pam, I figure you can take it 🙂
I guess what I am saying JoAnn, is that this site is not for everyone. Everyone is not ready. Maybe, before they pay or are allowed access, they should be asked to read a few e-mails that detail a little history. Something simple about different sisters being in different stages. SA`s being in different stages…etc..And sometimes, our moods shift daily, hourly, … They need to know we are only human and we are all just doing the best we can. WE DO NOT HAVE A MAGIC WAND!! I think some people join so we can solve it all for them or worse, validate everything they are doing…
Final thought…some people want to live in denial. That`s okay, but this isn`t a good site for them.
Sorry, for rambling. I am scattered today. Maybe someone will come up with something brilliant.
Love you!!
JoAnn, this is a hard one. Many times I feel that this site is my only lifeline to clarity and to women who will share their experiences and wisdom honestly, authentically, and with so much generosity. Sometimes I spend hours a day just reading through old threads on this site. Sometimes I wonder if I have my own unhealthy SOS addiction…
I appreciate so much the honesty from other sisters who have been through this. I don’t think I could have left in June without the support and guidance of the sisters on this site. Although I went back, leaving was the right thing to do at that time. (Going back may not have been… tbd.) Yet there are also times when I wonder if we feed each others anger and bitterness and cynicism. And it has crossed my mind that spending so much time in negativity (aka the truth or at least most people’s truth, or the truth of many of the women who post on this site) may be negatively impacting my views and my ability to be a constructive force in my relationship. But ultimately that is on me to manage what I take in and how I spend my time. I wouldn’t trade all the truth on SOS for anything. And I wouldn’t separate the sites to support newbies. But I do like the suggestion of adding a group on the site for Stayers and discussion basically premised on the assumption of trying to make the situation work.That`s a thought Artemis, but you have to remember that all the ones that have left WERE stayers that tried to make it work. I want to hear them. It did not work and I want to know why and how and anything else they have to say…
I think it was lee that posted somewhere that she is “on the other side and their is so much light..”..Well, she is still with her SA and has 3 small children. I am interested in how she copes and how it works for her. I am a stayer right now. I just quit running the SA show. I wasn`t part of it when it was happening and I want no part of it now ( that`s just me and isn`t meant it`s right for all). I may change my mind?? Who knows? Many on the site have tried hard to stay. I also want to hear about the divorce and child custody issues in case I need that info. ..
I want to hear everyone. I take what I need and appreciate the rest for what it is.
Stay or go. Happy or Angry. Bitter or Accepting..We aren`t here to argue with each other. We are here to help and support and yes, point out pitfalls when we see them.
I needed to know from the sisters that had left that they also sat on the “patio” in shock at first. It made me feel less crazy.
Hi JoAnne,
You have a lot of well educated women on this site and I’m sure some great ideas will be generated. I’m sometimes a person that needs to “chew on” ideas for a couple of days, I’ll put my thinking cap on along with the other ladies and see if I can come up with something helpful.
Hugs, AM
Joanne you have provided a safe place to share-i dont always like or agree with what i read,however i dont like or agree with the situaqtion im in-people need to read it all -we have had enough denial, it is what it is. Thank you for all of your effort,time and energy.
I suppose everyone needs to keep in mind that when you’re new to discovery, you are very emotionally raw. I know I was. I feel stronger now almost 2 years in, but if I had read this site in the first few months I probably would have left because I wouldn’t be able to handle it — the only things that I can think of the past week were stayer vs goer, shouldn’t ask or post info/articles about sex addiction because who cares etc.
When you are fresh to this intense horror, you’re just trying to attempt to process WTF just happened, learn to breathe again and get your bearings. Partners new to this nightmare are victims of trauma. I’m in a less fragile emotional state right now and think I have a thicker skin, so if there’s something I don’t agree with or if I ever feel hasty/incorrect assumptions are made, I can weather it, but before in early stages I would have thought this place wasn’t for me. It can be hard to deal with ANY negativity, assumptions, or sense of judgement when you’re just looking for safety, first aid, real support, a shoulder to cry on, a genuine warm hug, information on sex addiction, and sometimes even a little bit of hope. It takes time for each of us to “see” our real situation, it is a process. I think early on when I was just a pile of shattered pieces of glass, even though there is a ton of truth in the brutal honesty and “negativity”, it wouldn’t have been healthy/helpful for me at the start. I needed to get to that level of understanding about SA and my relationship for myself and in my own time, which is thankfully what I have done.
Joann,
What exactly were some complaints? Was it that we do some man bashing at times??? The too hard/too real opinions we have when asked a question? Was it our language (some can’t handle f-bombs)??
I’m just curious
Thats a good point, For Now. I hope the F bomb doesn’t get ruled out though. I just love it when it comes from the goddess, Diane. 🙂
for-now, I was going to post the e-mails, but I decided not to because I didn’t want to make any of you feel bad about being your wonderful selves. If I ever saw anything that I felt was disrespectful or inappropriate I would contact that person privately and discuss it with them. I have not seen anything, so I figured this was my battle.
But, since you have asked I think maybe I should share it with all of you. We are in this together and we can work through it together. One of my ‘things’ that I have worked very hard on changing is not sharing my problems–thinking that I have to fix everything myself. I realize that that is not healthy, so now I do reach out for help and suggestions.
So, that’s what I am doing here. Below are some of the e-mails I received. I did not include all of the correspondence with Lee as some of it was chat, some long e-mails, but what I included here is the gist of her thoughts.
Horseyrider wrote this:
Hi JoAnn,
I need to cancel my subscription here. I have been feeling more and more uncomfortable here lately, and when getting ready to log on yesterday I realized I thought of SOS as “the anger board,” well, I realized it’s not for me.
I know that anger is part of the process. But the accompanying stereotyping, overgeneralization, and negativity present here will hinder instead of help my recovery.
I’m saddened to leave, but this clearly isn’t the format for me. I need a positive place where people are proactive, insightful, and willing to let go of the rage and heal. I wish you and all the others the very best, and hope in time that everyone here can find their way to happiness.
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Here’s what I got this morning from a new member named Judy (I didn’t even get a chance to do a welcome post for her):hi joann, i initially was very thrilled to find a site that deals with the trama model over the codependent model and joined just over an hour ago. i have been going through alot in the past three years since discovery as well as having a trauma therapist and couples therapist that is csat and councels the trauma model, the outside support has been codependent based. i am sorry to say that i am appalled at the sharing in your groups and forums and really find the bashing of the sa to be insulting as being a trauma survivor myself and having educated myself on sex addiction, i have empathy for my partner and am able to see with a heavy heart that he is suffering from a sickness. I didn’t see anything like minded on your website and therefore would like to withdrawl from your services and hope you will act in good faith by refunding my six month subscription. thank you and i wish all of those recovering peace and serenity. judy
(Of course I returned her money and was a little ticked at that jab–as if I would keep her money and not act in ‘good faith’.)
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Then there was the correspondence from Lee:is there a safe room for stayers here? I dont want to be attacked for staying….or at least trying to stay for now.
I wrote back to her, and she back to me. Her e-mails seemed scattered and I could not get out of her just who she thought was attacking her, she just referred to ‘her’ or ‘she’. I thought Lee was alright, in fact she even wrote that she reread some of the posts and understood where ‘she’ was coming from, then got this this morning:
My account will expire on the 19th can you cancel it before then?
And after I responded that I understood that the site was not for everyone and that I would cancel her membership and refund her money. She wrote back:
No no need for refund at all…its fine.
I just want to be taken off its not healthy for me to be in there at all to much negative and its bad enough the sadness of all this the women are in pain so am I but there is nothing positive about bashing these men and hurt people the way they do.
Lee
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So, what are your thoughts? Are they simply women who were not a good fit–women who will be more comfortable on a site that gives more ‘hope’ and supports the more traditional ‘Carnes’ type of forever forgiveness? Are they just too new and raw for our type of discussions? Are they in denial and projecting their anger toward a site that exposes the doubts that they are just not ready to face?I’m not sure that we will ever know the answer but I do know that not one person on this site has acted inappropriately or disrespectfully. And, I believe with my entire being that our expressions are healthy and positive for our healing.
Love to all ~ JoAnn
Ugh, oh well….. Maybe we’ll see them again someday when they truly, TRULY see just what it is that they are dealing with. 🙁
Sorry for you to bear the burden, JoAnn, but at the end of the day, your supporters far outweigh the naysayers. XO!
Victoria, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Daisy and I am a newbie – new to discovery and new to this site. I think this is my second day as a member/sister. I wanted to introduce myself before I tell you that I wish we were in the same room right now so I could throw myself in your arms and cry on your shoulder. You said so beautifully what I’m feeling about this site. I don’t have anyone in my real life that I can confide in. I’ve got friends of course, but not the kind I could share this with. I came here seeking a sense of community and support as I feel my way blindly in the darkness. You said it so well: “safety, support, a shoulder to cry on, a genuine warm hug, information on sex addiction, and sometimes a little bit of hope.” That’s exactly what I’m looking for here. And a laugh now and then too. Anything that feels like judgment is extremely painful to me but I can keep in mind (and do) that everyone is bringing something different to this journey. My story is not their story, their story is not mine although I can learn from theirs. I’m teaching myself to pick and choose what I take away from here. I DO wish there was more support for stayers or perhaps more active voices from the sister/stayers. While I agree with Bev’s statement that virtually everyone starts as a stayer, I think sometimes those that are farther along the path forget that when dealing with those of us that are at the beginning. No matter that the “negativity” is given with love and a sense of inevitability on our sister’s part – they are clearly trying to save us from making painful mistakes, we newbies can’t skip steps here at the beginning of our path – we have to march along at our own pace, make our own mistakes, and count on our sisters to pick us up and dust us off when we fall down.
JoAnn, I don’t think you should split off the newbies. Maybe some “newbie care packages” would be a good idea – a “what to expect from the site” kind of thing. It would also be great if there were some examples of the postings you could look at before you join. I sat staring at the sign-up page for the longest time because I had no idea what sort of user name to select – did people use their real names, made-up names, something snarky, funny? It’s a little thing, I know, but I had no idea and it was a bit paralyzing to me. I agree with Artemis that it would be helpful to have a group for Stayers or for topics that concern Stayers. Until I decide I need to be a Go-er, I would like to be able to post my comments and questions and hopes for staying in a place where other sisters who are trying to make it work with their SA can give and receive support for that decision. Maybe the forum or group could be called “Trying to Make it Work”? Just a suggestion. Some of what I read, particularly when comments are directed to me, is hard to take. Sometimes I have to get off the site and just sit with the comments for awhile and let thing percolate through my brain but I ALWAYS assume that whatever is said, is said with love and concern. Even if the specific comment is not what I want to hear. So I thank you JoAnn and all the sisters here for giving me a place to go and for the help and support you provide as I move through this journey.
Peace and Love, Daisy.This is not the “save your marriage” site, or Save Our Sexaddicts. We have a right to our anger–not just the anger at our SA’s, but also the so-called therapeutic community we entrusted with our healing only to find ourselves further traumatized. By sharing our experiences with the SAs and with the bad therapists out there, we DO support each other and protect each other, and assure each other that we’re not crazy. We share some difficult truths, for sure. And, right, it’s not for everyone. BUT, my guess is some of the droppers will be back–when their pie in the sky starts to mold and rot. They’ll need help facing reality.
I”m pretty much a newbie and this is a wonderful site. I have been searching and searching and searching and I found SOS! I’ve educated myself about sex addiction to the point I think I could possibly become a CSAT! hahahaha I am a very positive person and try to see all the good in people, so negativity is hard for me. With that said, sex addiction has become an epidemic recently. AND there has been no help for partners. How do you talk about this stuff with your neighbor your best friend. Most of the time you can’t. Even if I don’t post much, the stories and the support has become my best friend on SOS. Both my parents were alcoholics so I have dealt with and there are lots and lots of support for children and adults. BUT with sex addiction, SEX is the drug or the bottle of wine or the crack…. This is a very sad place for sex addicts, but even more so for the partners.
Joanne, thank you for taking charge and provide this special place for us sisters. No one else has done it. Thank youxoxoMarch has a very good point.. This is not a ” save your marriage site”…There are a TON of those. I need to save myself.
Daisy, I swear I understand. I felt the same as you for a while. I would read for awhile and have to stop and sit with certain comments. Some were just so truthful that it broke my heart all over again. I wouldn`t trade a single one of them.
Jo… I will e-mail you privately about my thoughts on the e-mails that were mentioned… You may not be interested, but I have some thoughts 🙂
So…this was one of those read-the-comments-and-then -have-to-get-off-the-site-and-process-for-awhile moments for me. I’m trying to understand and trying not to take things too personally but when I read comments like “this is not ‘a save your marriage site’ or a Save Our Sexaddict site” I wonder if perhaps my desire to stay in my marriage and make it work is going to exclude me from feeling welcome to express myself on this site. I don’t want anyone to save my marriage or my SA. I’m hoping that he and I will save our marriage after we each save ourselves. I am, however, hoping to find support here on my journey whatever form it may take. I keep feeling like I’m not doing something right in the eyes of the group or perhaps the majority of the group because I’m not angry at my H or because I still believe that he has a disease that makes him do bad things instead of believing he’s a bad person. There are so many things I want to say, so many questions I want to ask, so many things I want to discuss (I’ve been silent and alone for SO long) but honestly, I’m afraid to ask or say much at this point. I feel bad enough about myself as it is, I don’t need to feel like I’m naive or stupid or have “pie in the sky” dreams that will inevitably fail. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t belong here afterall because right now I feel more alone, not less. I’m going to sign off for the night and hope for better things tomorrow.
In sadness, DaisyJoAnn,
Something has been really bothering me about this for a while, probably a lot of things. I haven’t got it down completely, but I do know I really dislike the labeling “Negative” vs “Postitive”. The flood of information we are all expected to learn when this tornado hits us is unimaginable. And being so simplistic about the sharing here gives me the willies.
And, numerically speaking, are those the less than 5% that will “make it”, meaning stay with their SAs in some semblance of normalacy (at least on the outside)?
And maybe the rest of us represent the 95%+ that don’t?
As I see it, we are all just walking our paths and reaching for hands along the way. If the hands don’t fit, or we don’t like their pace, walk on and seek another. Don’t blame the other walking wounded. Severely bad Karma.
Ah HA, there it is!!!
Daisy and March I LOVE YOU!! For telling your truths with such conviction and clarity.
A comment that turned someone off, two people with divergent viewpoints. But does one negative view or comment make that person negative? No. Does it indicate negativity towards another wounded sister? No. Does it make the site negative? No.
What does it indicate?
Pain.We are all in hideous pain, and all deal with it differently. Some loudly. Some quietly.
Does one person determining that one other person’s negative comment makes her uneasy enough to give up the group as a resource mean the whole thing is broken? No.
Its made to appear so absolute, but it doesn’t have to be.
We all have a common goal of understanding and sharing. A little tolerance and empathy is all that’s needed. And generally I believe it’s very present on this site. In fact, I’ve come to presume it, and maybe that’s the whole thing.Being here long enough you appreciate, like NOBODY ELSE WOULD, the fact that nobody sugar coats anything and lets themselves be as black and angry as they feel. That is a security for me, because then I don’t have to wonder what is hidden, like I now do with just about everyone I encounter. Loving someone enough to pledge your life to them and then realizing your entire relationship has been an act makes you thirst for someone who will let the bad and ugly out with the good.
I suppose that is unconditional trust, and unconditional love. A whole lot to ask in a virtual community. But if it’s anywhere, it’s here.
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