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Yikes, can’t we all just get along? đ It’s a sad day in SOS-Land. In the spirit of reconciliation, I hereby apologize retroactively and in advance for anything I might have said or might say in the future that offends anyone about anything. That said, well FUCK. The thing I TREASURE most about this site is I know without a doubt my Sisters are ALWAYS going to tell it like it is. Lexie (may she live long and prosper!) and her Guerrilla Style Writing was a revelation to me. And then Karen (kmf), her words were the Gospel to me, my new religion! Diane, JoAnn, SL, March, NAP, Bev, Lynn, Flora, Annie, Heidi, Zumba Girl, Kim, Debora, Pam, Bonnie, Claire, Teri, Helen Reddy, oh I shouldn’t have started naming names because I can’t list all of you, but trust me I have learned something invaluable from EVERY last Sister on this site. I, for one, hope SOS stays just the way it is: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Nah, screw ugly – beauty makeovers for one and all! đ Truth be told, I imagine that the Sisterhood requires a bit of a learning curve especially for newbies. Sure we can be blunt what with our truth telling habit and all. Yeah the gallows humor and f-bombs might be off putting to some. But we’re big girls, dealing with big girl stuff, I say Let’s put our big girl panties on and get busy. We’ve got some important life saving work to do around here. One more thing – in her email to JoAnn, Horsey Rider wrote, “I need a positive place where people are proactive, insightful, and willing to let go of the rage and heal.” Having been on this site since Day One, I can’t let that statement go without a rebuttal. I have seen more beautiful, loving and POSITIVE acts of kindness than I can list on SOS. From Sisters offering a safe place to stay, money to help a woman get back on their feet, phone calls of support at all hours of the day or night, I could go on and on and on and on. I have been brought to tears on so many occasions by these beautiful women and their selfless unsolicited acts of kindness. Never have I been in the company of so many bright, talented, hilarious, but above all, unbelievably insightful women. And we ARE, by GOD, healing – each in our own way and on our own schedule. And, hey, what’s a little rage between friends đ (Just so you know, I’m decidedly NOT trying to pick on HR, I really enjoyed her posts and am very sorry to see her go!) OK, that’s all I got. Love, Liza
P.S. JoAnn, please give advance warning if SOS is going to become a F-Bomb-Free Zone. I have quite a few stockpiled that I need to let fly before then đ
Let me start out by saying that right now I’m a “stayer”. That’s my choice. I’ve been on this site from it’s inception and as it has been said, every which way but sideways, THIS SITE HAS BEEN A LIFE SAVER. In the beginning, I didn’t know if I would stay or go (speaking about my marriage not this website). And to this day, it’s not to say that I might end up going. No one knows what their future holds.
I’m an introvert, for the most part. I don’t have any friends in this little town and now with my husband’s SA revealed through the local media, I suspect that I won’t have any friends here. I have friends that live in other cities in the state, I have friends in other states, my family is scattered across the U.S. and so I’ve become very bonded to the ladies of this site. You ladies have been so good to me and supporting me through some very tough times. For those new to the site, I’ve been through 3 shoulder surgeries and countless hours of painful physical therapy in the last two years and discovery came just after the first surgery. So I’ve had a rough time and these ladies, did not ever tell me I was foolish for staying. They never put me down or called me an idiot for believing my SA could recover. In fact, when my house got searched by the Feds and my SA arrested, I sat here in my torn up house, with no computers (the feds confiscated them) but I used my cell phone to access this site because this was the only place I had to turn to, and everybody on this site came to my rescue in one way or another. I still, to this day, cannot believe the love and support they all showed. I got gifts, money, personal addresses, personal phone numbers and emails, there were gifts and food delivered, I was truly overwhelmed. With every card I received in the mail, with every post I received on this site, I cried like a little baby realizing that these ladies loved and cared about me. I even got an offer for one gal to come and stay with me. Just overwhelming.
Anyway, I’m one of those people who when I read something, albeit a book, website, or even see a video on any subject, I take away from it what I feel pertains to me. the rest is discarded because it doesn’t serve my purpose. We all come from different backgrounds, different religious beliefs, and we have to respect that.
The F bombs . . . well they don’t bother me and I’ve used some myself. I was raised with two brothers and every line of work I was in was a majority of foul mouthed men. So, it’s something I’m accustomed to hearing and unfortunately something that roles off my tongue a little too easily sometimes! But it sure makes me feel better sometimes just to let loose of all this shit and just say Fuck it! So that part I completely understand.
There’s days when I join in on the battering of men, but only because if I were sitting around having coffee with ya’ll at the kitchen table, that’s what I would be doing too! You have to realize, too, that sometimes it’s just sarcasm and sometimes it’s really the way we feel. And when those words are written and not spoken, sometimes it’s hard to decipher which is which. Just the same, just because someone hates men for that moment or many moments, doesn’t mean that all men, or your man, is the person they are describing.
I would say that if someone is extremely sensitive or has lived a very quiet and reserved life, maybe this site isn’t well suited, but they don’t know until they join in and they can decide for themselves.
So, the only thing I can think of is to offer a discount trial price. For a lesser price they can have access for one week, or one month and then if they don’t like it they can choose to not renew.
Other than that, I wouldn’t change anything about this site. And I wouldn’t change anything about the way JoAnn runs the site. JoAnn, I don’t think there really are words to express our gratitude for allowing us to hit the ground running with the very first “open discussion” site for partners of SA. I’m privledged to be a part of it.
I love you JoAnn and I love all my sisters more than they could ever know.
Much love, Claire
claire,
your post made me cry. you seem like such a beautiful woman. i’m so sorry for what you have gone through.
i’ve said this before but need to say it again.
thank you joannand thank you everyone for your honesty.
what else is there, but honest communication of real emotions?
and acceptance of everyone’s journey
and love
I’ve been offline for awhile and just had time for a hard skim of this thread before I go to bed. We were all Stayers at one point and most of us are Goers after Staying led to more Straying. Stayers who are sure about their decision to Stay won’t be offended by Going anger (and humor.)I It takes ALOT of strength to do both, but Goers need a special Norma Ray Helen Reddy ROAR in order to leave in tact….I am a Newbie too, JoAnn never introduced me (storm in the Island I think) but I felt right at home…..finally a place where all the women spoke my language. Don’t change a thing. I agree with March, when they Go, they’ll be back. Meanwhile, I’ll be humming The Kinks for them: Darlin’ you’ve got to let me know: should I stay or should I go? Just let it go JoAnn. It was just a coincidence and a bad week. ~Helen xo
Daisy,
I see that you have already signed off for the night. I usually am not able to be on SOS until late, after my kids are in bed. Maybe you will read this in the morning. I am sorry you went to bed in sadness. Even though it sounds like your marriage relationship is intact, this SA is a pool of sadness and gut wrenching feelings of so many types. None of us needs another.Anyway, I have been on this site from the beginning. In fact, I may have been one of the first to sign up. I don’t post that often, but I am on almost every day. It helps me to connect to other women who going through what I am.
As you get to know women here, you will see that generalizations aren’t meant to apply to individuals. When March said this isn’t a Save the Marriage or Save the Sex Addict website, I didn’t think that meant those of you who are trying to stay in their marriages are doing the wrong thing.
For me, this is a Save Me or Save Us website. For some, that might happen while staying. Notice I didn’t say BY staying . . . because we can’t save a sex addict. If you are able to continue to love and support yours, then that is what you should do. But . . . oh well, now I am going down a completely different road, so I won’t go there. That’s your business. Know that everyone here respects your right to decide what is best for you.
For all of you who are put off by the anger you hear, by the lack of compassion for the SA and his disease, please do go back and read the stories that have been posted. Most of us tried for years. It was only a few short years ago that I was telling a close friend that I would never leave, that I would just make something work. But there came a point when I couldn’t anymore. And the pain was so bad, the depression so deep that I had to go on antidepressants for six months. That was the only way I could stop crying.
Most women on this site who have left or plan to leave spent a long time trying. And usually the SA spent a long time avoiding sincere recovery work, lying about their behavior, continuing it.
Waves and waves of lying and betrayal eat away at a marriage from the inside out. What is left is decimation. We are left to try to put ourselves back together, while the SA focuses on themselves and what they want, not the effect their SA has had on their wives or family.
For those of you who do not share this experience, I am happy for you. No one would wish that pain on you. But, if you don’t share our anger, if you cannot understand our distrust for men or our lack of desire to focus our compassion and energy on understanding the disease that our SA spouses continue to engage in . . . please do not judge us. Be thankful you have not been heartwrenchingly disappointed so many times that you don’t have anything left to give.
If you are familiar with the stages of grief, connecting that to what you read here might give you a better lens through which to read postings on SOS. I know I am still grieving. Not just the loss of my marriage, but the loss of my best friend. But it is not a decision I regret. SA and narcissism changed him. Was it within his power to not be SA or narcissistic? I don’t know. But I couldn’t have those in my life anymore.
Anyway, Daisy, please know that my heart goes out to you. I hope your story turns out differently. Please know that you are respected and supported here. Hopefully this will be a place where you will draw joy and healing as you come to know the women here. I have, even if I write infrequently. Sometimes just reading, learning from the experiences women post, helps me know that I am not alone in all this.
Know that you are not alone, and that you are accepted and respected.
Sleep well,
Sandy (Sunny)
Awwww…..Sunny! Awesome post!! I’ve missed you!
OMG! Liza- you rock it girl!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!
Claire, ……. Sigh…. You know how much we love you!! I’m thinkin if YOU can put up with our shit, anyone should be able to!!!
And Helen R!!! Wow- it feels to be like you have been with us all along!!
March, I love it… You just said it better than me!
JoAnn- like others have stated…. This is simply not the site for everyone! When you can’t please everyone- please yourself! (isn’t that what SA’s do???? ) đ
Daisy, you should know that I am a “stayer,” though I divorced my SA in January because, after a year-plus of recovery, he refused to go to any more meetings and quit therapy (He was CURED). After I got half his retirement and pretty much all the savings, plus custody of our daughter, we remained together, living as a couple, even talking of remarriage. It has been a living hell, though he makes incremental progress. He is in therapy, for issues surrounding his adoption, in addition to the SA stuff. He goes to meetings regularly, is working with a new therapist who trained under Minwalla, and is slooooooowly getting better at communicating. He’s still a little bitch-baby, prone to temper tantrums, and he has the emotional maturity of a three-year-old. I don’t know what our future holds, and I have turned my attention to taking care of ME. BUT, I’m here to tell you that, almost 4 years post-discovery, this is Hell on Earth. I chalk up my staying to malignant hope. And I’ve been scolded here as well as supported. Fine. I take it all in. When someone suggests the “stayers” are codependent and the “goers” are not, I can think of some choice words for her before I stop and consider–again–what she’s saying. Then I go think about it. But I don’t begrudge her the right to say it, and I celebrate the fact she’s broken free, has made it to the other side, will soon be able to put the WORLD of sex addiction behind her. And it IS an all-consuming world I’ve found myself in–one I did NOT sign up for.
Wow, I’ve been busy getting my daughter off to college and so much has happened. I have to say I LOVED horseyrider and her posts because she was soooo authentic and really had in a very healthy way separated herself out from her h emotionally and financially. I’m not sure what she was looking for? This site is very impromptu which I love. It runs along like free association which is rare these days.
Daisy, I’m sorry too if you’re not feeling comfortable. I wanted to save my marriage too, very much. I believed my h with all my heart unfortunately, his compulsion for sex outside our marriage was so engrained he failed, he may have really tried, in the end he knew he couldn’t stop and chose not to go away Inpt for 2 mo. just to get sober. He said he was going then never left. I’m sure giving this up was like losing an arm or a leg. However, there arena who do what they are advised to do and they sincerely work their recovery. I have much hope for them because it is self driven. Not done because other threaten or push them.
Can a forum turn into bashing? Yes. And that’s okay. I do think we need to stay on task with the forum topic and if we want a new topic start a new forum. Sometimes they get sidetracked when just a new forum would work. Just a suggestion, that way people can pick and choose which forums the want to read. It doesn’t bother me however it may make things easier, esp for new woman joining the site.
Just my thoughts, love, Nap
Dear Claire, I received the sweetest card from you today. It came at the very moment it was most needed. I sent my daughter off to her first day of High School and while she is just fine, her Momma is feeling a bit down and sorry for herself. …I came home from the school run and there was your card. I cried happy/sad tears and it felt exactly like you were at my kitchen table having coffee with me…just what I needed. Thank You!!
Sorry Nap, I switched topics! I am sick of this one. If people do not enjoy the site then Jo refunded their money and let`s all just wish them well on the journey…
I love you all đ
Nuff said Bev. đ
Instead of worrying over this I’m going to get busy and finish my eBook on Personality Disorders. (I’m in the process of creating it in both a PDF format and the ePub format, which will read perfectly on your smart phone, Kindle, or Nook).
Of course, other comments from my dear Sisters are always welcome. ~ JoAnn
Well, sorry Bev, I’m going to switch back. I hadn’t posted yet and I thought this forum started was for each of us to express our thoughts which I did in a thoughtful manner. All of a sudden a topic can end just because someone is sick of it? Sounds like chaos, I’m not a fucking mindreader…..if I knew enuff had been said on this topic I wouldn’t have spent my time and writing my post.
Oh Nap.. I was just kidding with you because I switched the topic. Of course I want to hear everything anybody wants or needs to write and I read all posts and thought everyone did a fine job. I was just making a joke.. I am so sorry. Please forgive?
Yes! I had a rough weekend and it probably shows đ
I am also a tad emotional about the kids right now. I absolutely would NEVER hurt your feelings or dismiss your thoughts on any topic!!
Hi JoAnn,
I havent been around for a little while because yet again I am back on the yoyo of stay or go…I think part of the difficulty of this site is that we are all at different stages and need different things. Sometimes, I just want to rant and be heard and have someone say “I KNOW EXACTLY…” and other times I do want genuine advice. Perhaps we need to divide the site more that way – give people the choice. I dont know how technically feasible it is, but maybe there is a choice to elicit feedback, or to just post to vent.
The other difficulty is that we so often bounce around and our own feelings are unreliable. We’re also often so terribly traumatised by the stuff that’s happened in our own lives we cant hear any other persons opinion, especially when we want to hear a specific opinion. We have all been so terribly abused in this that quite often we dont know which way is up – its like having been hurled around in a washing machine that when it stops spinning long enough to get out that we are very very disoriented.
I dont think we should go down thte cosa route of only offering experience strength and hope – that doesnt work for women I think.
Perhaps we do need a couple of pages in between the .org and the .com sites – a flavour of SOS ? Or perhaps there’s a self-test we go through inititally and see only posts relating to the outcome of the self-test.
I know you will never please everyone. I think you need to do as you have done and thank those ladies for their feedback, keep a gentle reign and oversight of the forums, moderate to a degree if it does get too off-course and if anyone is particularly caustic then take action. But with all things – membership is ultimately self-selecting.
You provide amazing resources, you provide amazing insight, you are challenging and helping others change the world. Dont be disheartened. Other people have come and gone, more will come and go. Do not underestimate what you are achieving.
Maybe the handle with care – notice is necessary!
Love you JoAnn – dont stop!
Above all, I have felt a sense of love here. Of being valued for me. I have heard some uncomfortable truths and have probably been guilty of being overly vocal, but like Lexie, Diane, March, KMF and others – its because I dont believe we should tolerate abuse. unfortunately with SA – that abuse is insidious and disguised as love… the classic – “Its because I love you that I treat you like shit”.
This is a great forum. We revisit our thoughts and practices continually and make adjustments in every area of our lives. This baby of yours, JoAnn, is a living thing and to examine it and do some maintenance in the heart and soul of it is as necessary as repairing software glitches.
This place is a sanctuary for me.
I lived in pain and confusion for many years before my D-Day in July 2010. I’m not confused anymore but it took a long time and a lot of searching to get the answers to my questions. Having the answers I needed about SA and personality disorders didn’t precipitate a quick decision about divorce either. I am torn, detatched in my heart and mind but going through the motions in my house that is no longer a home.
What I learned about my marraige was disorienting. I didn’t have a context for my new reality. I kept trying to function out of the old paradigm but the rules didn’t apply, like suddenly being thrust out of earths orbit and having no gravity. I had feelings I didn’t have before..hate, rage, panic, suicidal/homocidal thoughts. I couldn’t be around my family. I looked at my grandaughters like future tits and ass. If we weren’t who we said we were then who is??? What chance do any of us have? If I couldn’t save myself, how can I save them?
Sobbing here………I felt like I had to hide all that even from myself. When I first came to the site I was afraid to tell the truth about how I felt about my husband and the life I had lived. I didn’t want to anyone to think I was a unloving, unforgiving, vengeful coldhearted bitch. I was dying of niceness. I was a martyr, a pleaser and full of accumulated resentment. It took me 25 years to figure out that he had stolen my life in many ways. I hated myself for not knowing and yet allowing the continued dysfunction.
As I read the stories here, all of our secrets, the unspeakable, the unbearable… I began to piece myself together. It took me a year to say to my face- to-face counselor that I hated my husband or that I loved him. Here, I heard hard truth about very difficult dilemnas. Do we have sex? How do we do that while we feel like rape victims? What do you tell the kids? Do we stay or go? What is the basis for that decision? What is the payoff for us? Does anyone know anyone who is normal? How long does it take to feel alive again? How do you start over at 56?
The only thing that would bother me on this site is having someone speak from a place of final authority on a subject. We all have our place of understanding and that changes slowly as we gather more information and life experience. The women here have been very careful to speak from their truth.
The deep sharing here is what helped me know that I am having normal feelings and that my H’s oddball behaviors and myriad of bizarre defense mechanisms are commonplace. Everytime I would read a sister’s struggle with ethics, morality, self-esteem, counselors, lawyers, I could take something from it for me. Someone’s decision or view would resonate with me or not. The most important lesson I have learned here is that we are human and life is fragile. None of us know what tomorrow will bring and we are all doing the very best we can where we are at. And that there is a beautiful grace among women.
I loved all the input on this thread. I went back to the homepage and listened to the audio there. (Hadn’t heard that before.) My only suggestion would be to have an article to read on the stages of trauma recovery and how we are all moving back and forth through that in all different places on the journey. Kind of like the book, “What to Expect When You are Expecting, ” except about partners of SA’s.
We all contribute to make this a healing and informative place.
I love you all!
Debora
i have a suggestion for all sisters.
send a message of support to new members. can you remember how you felt when you first joined? lonely, scared, isolated?
a message from all of us when someone new joins would be helpful, i think…
hello sisters,
I’m at a cottage inthe muskokas in Ontario and have internet rarely.
As usual I am blown away by the wisdom and honesty of the posts above. It really helps me to look at things differently.
Here are a few things that matter to me:
1. I will not allow the shaming of women in their anger to go unchallenged. This is at the root of addressing every patriarchal obstacle we face. If we dont’ continue to be “nice” little girls, we are shamed. The shaming of women in their anger is often a subtle thing, and comes cloaked in a “shot” at our being “negative”.
2. That begin said, I know we can slip down the slippery slope sometimes, but I also know that we are not in a balanced state yet, as many wise women noted above. It is profoundly unfair to be judged as deficient because we are finally able to reveal what is going on within us. There is an awful lot of anger, btw, in those messages that joAnn got, but is displaced. We get it.
3. I believe, however, that we can be more intentional about self-awareness in this area, not to edit our feelings but to just know and take responsibility for the energy we are bringing into the room. And actually many women do this when they post—they tell you a hard thing is coming and to be aware and not read if you need to avoid it.
4. We are also needing to remember that no change involving patriachal patterns was ever achieved without the anger of women—not misplaced or displaced, but directly focused, accurate and fundamentally right in its revealing power. And it is true that not every woman had the backbone for this kind of courage. They enjoy the benefits of it, but don’t want to get their hands dirty in what it actually costs to change culture practice. How nice for them to be able to sleep at night while others do the grunt work. And I’m willing to be called angry, so that they might one day get decent care for themselves, and correct care for the men they still love, because that’s just how life works. Some lead, some follow, but everyone else needs to get out of the way and not throw stones. There are other sites where people will tell you that your SA/compulsive is very very sick and you should have that always in mind and therefore your anger is wrong. This cannot become one of them.
4. let’s put our creative power to work and work on making sure those who are fragile and feel that the anger might drown them, are cared for properly. Maybe threads that are “hot” need a flag to advise people that content is tough. Fragile people need to be safe too, not just people are are justifiable angry. I believe we can look after each other.
5. Don’t buy the positive vs. negative crap. It’s just another example of the false ultimacy of dualistic thinking. And if anyone really wants to talk about what that means, and how to move forward without calling other women names, I’ll be back online in a few weeks.Diane: thank you for these words: “letâs put our creative power to work and work on making sure those who are fragile and feel that the anger might drown them, are cared for properly. Maybe threads that are âhotâ need a flag to advise people that content is tough. Fragile people need to be safe too, not just people are are justifiable angry. I believe we can look after each other.” I don’t have a problem with the anger, rage, bitterness etc. directed at any and all SA’s. I may not be feeling those things but I can emphathize with those that are and after reading the stories here I certainly understand why they are feeling those things. Get it out, it’s better out than internalized. Throw those FUCK bombs too! What ever makes you feel better. All I’m asking is that anger, disdain, dismissiveness not be directed at ME simply because I’m not feeling those things. I just want to feel safe sharing what I feel as I listen to what you are feeling as well. However misguided you may believe me to be, I need to be able to talk about how I feel about my particular situation without being dismissed as naive or stupid or gutless. If you knew me in my real world you’d know I am none of those things; it’s just in this new world I find myself in where I can’t seem to find my way. I’m not asking anyone to modify their behavior or their language or to modify this site or anything else. I’m just trying to figure out if there’s a place here for my voice as well.
JoAnn – All the Sister’s have given you great feedback, so there isn’t much left to cover.
I would not change one thing on s.o.s. I feel the only way someone would be offended is if they are in denial, want to stay in the marriage so have a closed mind as to the realities of life with an sa, or are new to this whole sex addiction thing and are clueless about what they are dealing with and what to expect years down the line.
We all have become so educated about sex addiction, and whether someone decides to go or stay – well, at that point it is an informed decision.
We all are blunt, but really feel it comes across as sister’s who have empathy, love, and genuine concern for everyone here.
I remember when I first joined, I used to get so angry and think, “Everyone’s situation is different – how can a sister tell me what is right or wrong about my sa husband? But, as I found out as I grew in insight all SA’s are universally the same. They all lie, cheat, manipulate, and do anything to save their marriage.
Yes, we rant, rave, and say the F word, but we do so with our own personal experiences – perfectly normal for a woman who has committed and given all the love she has to a h who has betrayed her trust.
We all make our own decisions, and in our own time – that is growth, and we all support eachother whether we go or stay. At least we do it with no illusions about what the future will bring us.
My opinion is that if someone is offended by our true experiences with an SA, then they just don’t get it or are not ready to get it.
Don’t change a thing!!!I agree with all and Sharron as well since she’s the latest post. I can say for myself that I was a little taken back when first posting about my experiences and someone would say my h was an ass or a jerk or whatever or would tell me how my life was about to play out (they were right but it was a bit much for me at the time even tho I sucked it up and soldiered on thru the site). I felt like “Hey!! I can talk shit about my man but how dare someone else who doesn’t even know him!”
But then I came to understand that when those things were said it was everyone just being honest and because I left that door open by name calling him myself in my posts. Once I understood that, it became a non issue and I no longer looked at it as an “attack” on my husband.
I think that’s what the “runners” have done (my new name for the visitors who joined then fled in horror apparently-joking!), they took offense at some honesty and maybe we as sisters could remember to be a bit easy on the new ones until they feel their place here and then we can unload on them-joking again-but seriously, if we are honest but not throat cutting honest to the new ones for awhile then maybe a couple of “runners” might be able to endure to see eventually we all come from a place of love and concern. I can say I almost ran a time or two at first but I saw the big picture which is this is a support I cannot find somewhere else so I stayed and I don’t regret it at all.
JoAnn, Sisters,
Beware LAP (Long A$$ Post)
Thank you JoAnn for having the vision and foresight to create this website. It sounds like you were way ahead of the curve with your vision. This site was a godsend, right when I needed it.
Iâm no longer with my SA, we were not married, nor did we have children together. I joined this site with the hopes of finding a âcureâ for SA. After being on this site, I decided that I didnât want to take that journey together with him. The honest feedback I received did influence my decision to leave him.
My initial expectations when I signed up for a subscription with SOS was that the website would have a somewhat clinical forum, with a moderator–like a self help/counseling forum where the ânurseâ or SA counselor would answer our questions. Like WebMD or HealthCentral for partnerâs of SAs. And Dr. Sanjay Gupta or Dr. Drew might make an appearance now and then. I also expected what you might find on many other forums–a set of general rules, guidelines, and forum etiquetteâenforced by the Dr. in the house. What I found was quite different from what I expected and quite unique.
I found this place at one of my darkest moments and just needed to get online and start sharing. What I found was I thought more of a social sharing and personal experience site peppered with lots of information from the ladies. There are a lot of resources on this website, but I didnât really explore them much, was too busy ready threads and everyoneâs riveting personal stories. Iâm not sure this is the place for people to come who want to keep their marriage together, perhaps there should be a spot for those needing a softer landing. I hope this doesnât come across as a flame, because that is not my intent.
When I initially joined I was surprised by the level of SA bashing, but I wasn’t offended.
The honest and deep sharing of everyone provided me with the unvarnished truth of what I needed to hear. Not the âsyrupy pablumâ of sex addiction treatment that cloaks what the partner of an SA really deals with. Iâm still processing since my d-day wasnât very long ago-BTW. Read: raw newbie. Had I found my way to a traditional sex addiction treatment website where the focus is on the SA I might have stayed with my SA, actually, Iâm pretty sure I would have.
I do think that it would be beneficial to have a separate forum for those that are staying vs. those divorcing/not staying. Definitely not a separate website.
Group names might be:
Support for Those Who Wish To Remain Married to SA (this could be the âsoft landingâ forum with a description of forum and a note that the tone of this forum is in support of women seeking to work things through with their SA)
Divorced/Divorcing/Separated from SA/Partner (with a description of forum and perhaps a disclaimer that that this forum contains the unvarnished true about SA, their behavior and what to expect)
Some of the emails that were sent to you JoAnn did sting a bit. That there might be a perception on this site that there are women who are man-haters and bitter, negative women is unfortunate. That’s a one dimensional view. The women on this site are in pain. How can it be candy coated that my would be prince charming boyfriend was sleeping with men and transsexuals? Or how can you candy coat if you were or are married to Jerry Sandusky? Or candy coat that the light in your soul has been snuffed out by the person that you loved and trusted the most. Or that youâre frozen with pain? Maybe youâre right, that the truth was too hard for them to face and a place that has a âsofter landingâ might be better for those who have left the site. Not sure if the âsoft landingâ and âharsh reality of SAâ can coexist on one website. Finding a site like this in your darkest hour was like a light in a dark tunnel.
The beauty of this site is each of us can login and unload all of our pain, close the browser window and get back to our lives. Then we can login the next day when we might be feeling better and share the joy of that day. Not sure you would find that elsewhere.
Those are my ramblings for the evening.
Hugs, AM
maybe there should not be a mention of trauma model vs. codpendence. Maybe that starts to sound more clinical. Its a support/chat group like if you went to JoAnn’s house every thursday night. Its open candid discussion. Someone noted nurses, clinicians….that is available for $100’s of dollars, for $15 a month, i dont quite understand what anyone would be expecting otherwise. We could do a sponsor a sister…i would be up for that. I could certainly do that. Coda ond cosa seemed to have a person who seek out the new ones and take them aside…online in chat forums.
But possibly this is why they do that…and other reason…no addict talk..no bashing…to ward off hurt feelings. But i have gotta say that that really bothered me….how can you hold it all in like that? I was tired of pretending everything is fine…its not!
Also though. When i was staying with my addict i think reading the post sometimes created anxiety in my and my relationship. At the time I atttributed it to the site, it was actually the situation. It was a sinking ship. But i wanted to dearly to sling to the life raft, and be able to blame something else for it. This is a website, its just words. What we do with it and take from it is up to us.
So i really don;t know what the answer it.
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