- This topic has 71 replies, 30 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hmmmm….Flora,
The sponsor thing is interesting.
It does seem like a lot of the women who are new together or have similar stories do reach out to each other for phone support and personal friendship.
I really like the way it is. Experience is the best teacher. I think that’s why this site is so unique. Real people, real stories, real feelings, and we can say fuck if we want to. Where else can you do that? Plus what about freedom of speech? We can’t censor real life. I think this and more makes this site so special.
One difference in the experience the new members and the ones who have been here awhile is that some of the earlier members bonded at a retreat. I didn’t go–due to the complexities of my life–but a core group did. They formed strong personal bonds beyond the 2D world of virtual connections. Maybe another retreat is due . . .
That’s a good idea and SL had already invited us to ‘the hollar’ which I think may be centrally located in the US. I’m not sure where people would fly into? Does anyone know the biggest city near ‘the hollar’? How far a drive would it be from the airport? I think we need one and maybe a few drinks and some male hollar dancers………and cookies!
I personally get WAY more out of this site than actual counseling. No one smiles and nods when I post in a fit of rage or crisis. I get hard line, real feedback that I can’t seem to get in therapy. Sometimes it’s sympathetic other times it’s a flat head shovel upside my noggin.
The sisters are great at knowing when to reply soothingly and when to be more direct. I think a moderator type board would be too restrictive and I’m happy with the way it is.
Cheaper than counseling and I never walk away thinking “I want my money back” like I did with therapy a few times.
You touch my boyfriend, I break yo face!!! 🙂
Ok, yes!! The holler!! Come on down! Located in Allons, Tennessee. I know, I know……. WHERE!????
It’s about 2 hours from Nashville! But this time you biaaatches all coordinate your flights and I will pick you all up ONCE!!! Ok, maybe twice, but still!!!!!
I have a giant cabin that sleeps 21 and if that ain’t enough it’s a duplex with an attached cabin that sleeps the same!!! Big deck off the back and you wouldn’t believe the view!! Fall is a beautiful time in the holler! We have pontoon boats and of course, my cruiser that we can take out and tool around the lake. It has a shitter and every thang!!! Ha, ha! I’m in rare form tonight!! I would absolutely love to host a retreat, sisters. All kidding aside, I think we would all love it!!! Something to plan and look forward to – and memories made and friendships formed to last a lifetime!!! 🙂
Whoa,
I think this is getting way out of control.
What is this about really anyway??????
I see to many variables covered in multi level facets.
I want to be part of the solution and not add to the problem. So can we narrow down what the problems are?
What I can say is that both sites: Married and SOS saved my life. Literally!!!! I am still working on me, and hope that while I am on this journey, my experience and situation can help others navigate difficult paths.
SOS has grown and the size of the group makes it a bit less intimate than when we started. The beauty of the growth is that we are reaching more woman who are in need of help with this horrible problem. The opportunity is that we all learn how to include everyone while we grow.
This is a virtual world with real life problems. Many of us (including myself), have never experienced this kind of communication. The intimate information that we are sharing makes for incredibly quick connections in an emotionally traumatic setting. Emotions are high, tension is tight and the level that we are feeling these things are deeper than many of us have ever experienced before.
Perhaps this is a simplistic way of looking at it, but it helps me to break down the variables into smaller components. I think we need to think about how it would be if we were not virtual. What if we were all in a big room. When ever any of us wanted to talk to someone, you would walk to this comfortable room where some of the sisters would be. Naturally with this size of a group, all personality types would be represented. How do we as adult woman handle this? I think that how we conduct ourself on this site should not be different than how we would be if we were actually in a room together.
It hurts me to think that someone would turn away from this site and not get the help that they need. This site has been so helpful to me that I can not imagine that someone else would be offended by it. The reality, however, is that as the site grows, there are going to be more and more people who may not see it as helpful. This could be a sign that we are growing to the point of reaching more and more people and with that comes the variable of those who do not fit. It also could be a sign that the growth means we need a new building. To many people in the room.
I do feel like the woman that I started the site with have gone through a series of steps and have come to a level on the journey that maybe different than those that have just started. So how can we manage those of us that are on different levels of the mountain? Perhaps this is the way we can narrow the question at hand.
Just thoughts…….
Hi Joanne and sisters,
Sorry I’m so late in the game here, but I need to respond to this post! (I took a mother-daughter trip to Disney World with my 15 year old daughter. My son and SA didn’t want to go, so that was just fine…what a great time and bonding experience we had!!)
Anyways, I found SOS after my d-day 2 in March 2011. One thought I have had over and over is how I wish it had existed after my first dday (2009), or at least that I had searched out and found the “married” site. I didn’t do much online research after d-day 1, because my therapist advised against it. BAD ADVICE! And in my wanting-a-quick-fix-denial state, I listened. Bad plan.
So after dday 2, I researched anything and everything. We have no local meeting groups around here, but I joined S-Anon online meetings. I called a COSA telephone meeting. I actually hung up after a minute, because my pain was still so raw, and I couldn’t handle the monotonous repetitions at that time. I went on the MTASA site over and over and contemplated joining SOS. (But…oh no! It cost money! My SA might get mad! God forbid!!). Well, thank goodness I didn’t listen to that little voice in my head!!
For me, SOS became the lifesaver…I say that without an ounce of hesistation. And I was one who was definitely intent on staying!!! I found nothing that would drive me away or make me want to quit the site. Was some of the reading painful and difficult? Yes. But I have never found a group of more caring, loving souls anywhere. I’ve put out questions and forums. I’ve gotten nothing but love and support. Sometimes it’s been tough love, but ALWAYS love!!
I still continued to check out info on other sites and sources, and read the emails from S-Anon meetings for a long time. But they just didn’t do much for me because, for the most part, you can’t respond back and forth. There’s a very set and rigid format for communications.
So my bottom line is this: keep SOS the way it is. It is unique. There are other formats out there for those who may not be ready for it. But for me, it has saved my life. Thank you, Joanne (and sisters!!!)xoxoxoxo!!!!
This site gave me the strength to leave an abusive addicted spouse that was a danger to me and my daughter.
The end.
It changed my life.
It changed my daughter’s life.
Anger is useful emotion.
It propels us to make hard decisions.
Joanne I think when you said “The truth is difficult to face when dealing with Sex Addiction, but eventually the cold harsh reality must be assimilated or we can never move on to make healthy informed decisions. “
says it all.
i know when i first found out, i wanted desperately to save my marriage and family. and tried and tried. This place isn’t for everyone. sometimes i think denial is a prerequisite to staying in a marrige to SA. how else do you survive?
but i think a place for newbies is a good idea. some of us are just further along the journey. it’s kind of not fair in a way. as their dream just got smashed with discovery.
or maybe there’s a group called “Staying”. ? for those who really want to stay. I dunno, just a thought.
I agree whole-heartly. This site saved my life. You ladies walked with me through the darkest times I have ever been through.
Not one single person on this site asked to be catapulted onto the sa trauma planet. But honestly who do we have in this world ~ other than each other to bounce this shit off of? We really are all in this together.
When I first came on this site I would X out of the forum and scoot away from the computer as if it were on fire. All I could think of was no way in hell is this my life. Well turns out it is. I was in as much denial as my sa. I wanted so badly to believe this was fixable and would go away quickly. My world could go back to “normal”!
I don’t know who wrote you that email JoAnn – never saw a post. But what I read sounded like someone trying to direct her anger at someone other than her sa. It sounded like someone who thought she could get off our planet! ~I hope she finds a way and comes back to tell us!
I like the idea of a newbies welcoming kit. And the assigned sister sounds like a good idea too.
Your vision is helping a lot of women through this, don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it. You don’t have an easy job though – you are dealing with some very angry women!
Joanne,
There have been times when I think that this site is negative. There is a lot of anger and some sisters get stuck in anger….but I think that we all have our own journey – and anger can be good.
I do feel sometimes that the only viable option presented by some of the sisters is to leave. I understand that as a viable and healthy option, but it can be depressing and shaming if you have decided to “give it a go” for the time being (“wait and see” mode). I’m hoping that more “stayers” speak up and that our issues can be addressed without shaming – I know the intentions are good, but it can be a downer.
For me, I think that the anger on here has been good for me – since I didn’t spend much time in anger. It’s a very motivating emotion – and is very protective of oneself. I’ve borrowed some of that sentiment here to value myself.
Everyone has to take their own path – at their own speed. I do agree that there seems to be, at times, a “if you don’t leave” then you don’t value yourself or you are in denial thing going on. But to each his own. There isn’t one right or wrong path – we all have our own. And just like COSA meetings, we take the good parts and leave the rest behind.
Deb
I have to chime in that it’s some of us stayers who are the angriest. And, as a stayer, I appreciate the idea that leaving is the the only REAL healthy option. What healthy, self-respecting, capable woman would sign up for this?! The truth–as I see it is, by the time we find out the truth and feel its full impact, we are so decimated that we are barely able to function, much less function in healthy ways. I understand all of the stayers reasons for keeping ourselves planted, mine included, but which of us is truly happy, has a sense of peace and well being, feels loved and safe? Please chime in if you do. The reality for me is I stay, and I’m angry. Again, show me one woman who has stayed with her sa and is happy; show me one who has left and regretted it.
To tie that in with the actual topic, I think many newcomers are here, like christy said, looking for hope. I came here looking for the same thing. And what I got instead was Truth, in the stories and experiences of the diverse group of women posting. I was struck by how similar our sa’s are, by the way they seemed to use the same play book. It was hard to see but necessary. Armed is warned, and all that jazz. I stuck around, even after I realized that if all I wanted was Hope for my marriage, I wasn’t necessarily going to find it here. What I found instead was examples of all the ways this can play out, as well as hope for MYSELF on the wAy to my own healing, with or without him.
March just saved me a post..
I understand that some are looking for hope and I respect that ( I came on the site looking for hope too).. I am staying right now too. I just simply stated that I am “emotionally” off the table. I am done with him and I know it. I need to heal too. I am just not interested in having a relationship ( a married/sexual) relationship with this man.I hope he does turn into “a perfect 5% er” . I want him to be as well as possible because he is the father of my children. It`s just not good enough for me and I won`t apologize for that.
JoAnn,
This site has helped me in so many ways, I don’t know what I would have done without it. I think it is perfect because the site is really about the women. All these different voices with their vast experiences and wonderful range of personalities. They all contribute in their own way, and I love that in many posts, there are a wide range of responses. Rarely do we all respond in unison.The anger I saw others express helped me realize it was okay for me to get angry about my situation, to get in touch with that anger so I could move through it. Hearing everyone’s anger was really important for me. Hearing them call my STBX a jerk helped give me clarity. I really needed someone else’s input and support to stop second-guessing myself and to trust my own instincts again.
As I have gotten to know everyone, I can take their opinions with a grain of salt because I know them well enough to know where they are coming from. It takes time to develop that awareness, though.
Thank you, JoAnn, for creating this site. It has been more than a blessing.
March,
I came here looking for the same thing (hope). And what I got instead was Truth.
Thank you. That is why all of us are here.
I think I have a new motto for the home page!
~ JoAnn
My answer:
This said in all humility and love, it sounds like you are asking for a safe place to experience your journey. A natural response. Sadly anyone who has been here long knows there is a VAST difference between just feeling safe and actually being safe when living with a sexually addicted spouse.
There is no soul on here except they had the blinders ripped off at some point. Now they see things differently through new wounded and, maybe, wiser eyes.
Take that into consideration and it will not seem so personally upsetting. THIS is what SA does. These women paid a staggering price for what they share here. It has tremendous value even if it does not relate to our story directly, or support our personal agenda. Tears, and rage, are equally welcomed if we are honest about our collective experience.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.