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im just trying to sort out my thoughts , this is how i have always been i have to find answers i have lived my live with trying to figure out the whys of the impossiable. so please do not place to much on this its just one way i look at life. damn i have no idea where i come up with these thoughts.in our lives we fill our wants and needs whether it be to shop,take a walk,eat apiece of cake.various items or people also fall into this i wanted children is it because that is what i was to do as a woman,many woman decide that they do not want them. is this just a natural thing is it born into us.so do have it some dont. i wanted kids to love,to be able to be loved,i wanted to have a part of another person be apart of me. i knew i would be a good mother, i felt that my children would do great things for this world. i believe i at some level wanted to be able to leave here one day and know i left a better place. i knew that children were a gift to cherish,to protect.i knew i could show them the good here to.
we choose our friends,our pets,and our partners,pretty much everything in our life at some given time. i fell in love with my partner because of how he made me,what i received from him not money or things. how he could help me to be a better person,how both of us worked together,how we could make a difference. i didnt choose him for his hair his looks,if i had it would not have lasted very long i wanted a life with him and would have lived it and have always give him my true self, i chose him for a reason, he indeed filed a part of me . our choices and wants and needs are the puzzle pieces of ourselves. i to must have played a piece for him was i the mother he so needed,am i the part that makes him whole or the need to be a better person i have to wonder what am i to him where do i fit in that puzzle. this im still trying to find outKatt – Usually SA’s pick very strong women- everything they are not. Pretty ironic. They pick a strong woman, and then spend the entire relationship feeling angry at us for being that woman. I think we all choose a partner who we think will balance our personalities. I chose Steve because I thought he was strong self-assured man who appeared to have his shit together. In reality, he was weak and passive. I remember Steve’s therapist askig me – “Wouldn’t you rather have a strong man?” These SA’s always present self-assured and like they have it all together – just another fascade of they’re secret life they keep so well hidden. I won’t make that mistake again. You picked your’e husband for how you THOUGHT he made you and what you THOUGHT he was giving you. Amazing how we can get so sucked in.
I was was like you – like a dog with a bone. I always had to know the whys. In reality, it doesn’t matter – they are what they are- certainly not strong, but weak wooses who need to have their ego’s fed and needs met by every woman but they’re wives.
I went to a singles dance last night – one I have gone to for years, and have met a lot of friends there. I met a guy there who is really nice. I watched him throughout the night, and he just picked women to dance with – not hit on, and quite the gentleman. He came over and asked me to dance, and we danced almost the entire last half of the dance. He asked me out dancing next week-end, and to a very nice restaurant. I thought why not – have spent three years with Steve who did nothing but deceive me. I might add, however, I am not looking for a committed relationship – have to heal from this one first. I do think it will be have fun to have someone to do something with. He is a great dancer, and dancing is my passion.
Hang in there kiddo – These SA’s almost work overtime at trying to ruin our lives – we can’t let them.Katt,
I have read all of your posts and it took me a while to figure out what to say. You have endured an incredible amount of pain in your life and were also abused as a child. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You even as a little girl were abused, your power was taken from you at a very very young age. Your father used you as a tool, and obliterated any boundaries.I think that you are very very lucky to even be alive. I am very happy that you and your kids survived your first husband and even you as a little girl survived. Someone is looking over you.
I am not a therapist but this is what I have read. Being abused as a young girl, you have difficulty between knowing the difference between what is right and wrong. Your father abused you, and took all of your power away. So many men have used you, take and never think twice about it. this is very very wrong.
You are a very special women and deserve so much more than this. When we choose we do choose for a reason the men we pick. But this reason is not always a good healthy reason. We tend to subconsciously pick someone who replays or repeats our past, because that is what we know. What we need to realize is that sometimes the people we have picked are not good for us and are not the one. This is how we break the cycle and move past the dysfunctional relationships that we have chosen. Not one of us on here has a story of how we thought our husband was so so and blah blah when we met them. We all have the same story, he was so wonderful, everything i wanted, a knight in shining armor!!! etc. But some authors beleive the stronger the pull into that relationship; the more likely it is that you are repeating your past. So when you picked (i picked) we were picking with a broken compass and based on false prestenses. Also they (the addict or sicko) pick someone who is unsure of their boundaries, or are more or less pliable. We are strong, that is for sure, but again boundaries are sometimes questionable as to where they fall. We also tend to be a little unsure of ourselves and lack a little self esteem in some areas, and that is how we tend to sometimes beleive the unbeleivable. We beleive the story, even though our gut says he is a liar, because they seem to be so charming and not a liar. Wrong we should never doubt our gut, when you do you lose yourself and your own judgement in this situation.
But the short of my blabbering is you are a strong women. You are smart, capable, loving, open, honest, and have a story to tell. You deserve all of these things in a partner or spouse. You are not a bad person and you deserve to have the life you always wanted and dreamed of. The stuff that went on between you and your dad was not your fault, this relationship with your ex is not your fault, and this one with your husband is not your fault. You have a choice now to turn your back on this past, and let it go. You need to spend all of these waking moments on you and your kids, none on him. This can be a turning point for you…to do better and really hope and beleive that you do deserve better. But better does not happen on its own, you have to be the first to make this choice. You have to make the choice that no this is not good enough for me.
I also hope that you have a really good therapist. i would also try to find books on books on childhood sex abuse. One book I have skimmed is Invisible Girls. If i think of any others i will post them. I would also try to find books on self esteem and self empowerment.
Katt you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I really wish and hope for the best for you. Be strong. Hugs.
Hi Katt and Sharron,
I too used to spend hours thinking trying make sense of it all. Now I purposefully do not. Why? hours and hours spent on trying to make sense out of nonsense. I agree with Sharron, they have to use the outside world to define them because there is not much going on inside of them. Their weak egos need to be filled by other woman even if they have to pay the woman to get that met.Sharron, so happy to hear you have a date. You sound like a delightful woman and you deserve the time and attention of a gentleman. Have fun!…NAP
flora i wrote my story because i have learned from it. I hoped that maybe someone could learn from it and not spend all of their life blaming them self or setting them self up like i have. i have morned for the little girl i was and also for the one i never will be. i know because of what my father had done i indeed never had any power but self preservation, forget boundaries but what i did develop was a keen sense of body language,and most definitely survival skills. also i never trusted my gut, i always had to have proof. this is still a issue that i have a hard time with. i have to believe i did learn right and wrong on many levels. other wise i would have long ago lost my true self. i know as far as the men i picked or who picked me. i was groomed by my dad, i was ingrained with thinking no believing that physical abuse and sexual abuse had to go together hand and hand that without one it was not abuse. but i do know with out a doubt i held on to the piece of me deep inside that was never touched by this, i held that close to my heart. i know i have low self esteem i will be the first one to admit to this. as far as my relationship with my ex i have to accept some accountability for staying with him. i was an adult, i knew what was going on was not right, i would call the police on him ,they would want me to press charges or tell him to take a walk to cool off. the law has changed since then i believe it is now the police who press the charges. i was in survival mode pretty much all the times. in that frame of mind i could and would survive. now my current partner, yes he has done many horrible things to me, but also as friends allowed me to stop surviving i had to let go of that little piece of me. i am not trying to make excuses for him nor make any kind of minimizing of what hes done. but i know is if i not come to some kind of peace with my past i would have kicked into my survival mode at the first signs of anything with him. i may have not relied on my gut, i did believe him, i trusted. this trust for me was a very big thing due that i have never trusted anyone enough to hurt that piece,another sign that i no longer have that. he is a very sick man, but there was also a friendship that had nothing to do with his sa. or anykind of sex. we were very close for many years, he was the one who held me,accepted me,allowed me to heal many parts of my self. not for sex or acting out but because he understood. i do not know if i can stay with him as a partner any longer i do not hate this man, i just had the time to see who he is very deep down, just as he saw me. i know i do not deserive this man the man with sa, and i know he crossed many lines. will i stay not like this. with recovery i still dont know. i need to find my way i need to heal the whole me that i became, i do have a long way to go but who doesent
Hi Katt,
I opened up and trusted husband too, It would have appeared that he accepted me, but he hid things from me and lied. I know this sense of what you are talking about, I have been with my husband for 8+ years, but it is not real. I was the only one who laid it on the line and was 100% truthfull and accepting. I was thrilled to death to have found someone who accepted me and my kids, my past and my story. Just because he was there for that and accepted that does not make any of what he has done to me forgivable or excusable, in many ways it makes it worse. Because i poured my heart out and he then pretended. I did not have a great relationship with my first husband and my dad. So my husband was fully aware of that; and quite frankly now I feel he used that history. Because if what we had was a true relationship and friendship where we are sharing oursleves, he would have shared himself as well and we would not be in this boat. Anybody who is truely trustworthy and truely honest, true friendship would not do this to someone else. Me and my husband worked through my childhood issues too. So for me i think it is a sign or clues to what is lurking beneath, and to me what he could get away with. This is just part of my story and my opinion.Katt – Sometimes knowing someone we love is not doing the right thing, and doing something about it is very difficult. We put out love and trust in them, and I really believe sometimes we are as much in denial about the relationship as they are about the addiction. We know it’s there, but getting out is a lot easier said than done. I, too, did not listen to my gut – even when it was clearly telling me to get away from Steve.
Like you said, he held you, accepted you, and in many ways helped you in healing some of your childhood wounds, But the”good” side of them is what throws us a curve. When the addiction did not get in the way, I have to say no man ever treated me as well as Steve – he did everything right! So, when you think about them picking “us” – we didn’t stand a chance. Ya, we may subconsciously be playing childhood tapes, but as his therapist told me -“You couldn’t have seen it coming.” They spend their entire life practicing the script they are living out – the secret life. So, don’t spend too much time worrying about whether you picked him, or he picked you. The important thing is we learn to spot it and not to do again.
Just like last night at the dance. Before I ever accepted a dance or date from him, I watched him from afar and paid attention to how he acted toward other women. Not even close to how Steve approached me, and continued to fool me from day 1.
I am just tryng to learn from these 3 wasted years, and I guarantee no-one will fool me again.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is yes, my Dad probably did play a part in my picking the wrong kind of man, and yes, Steve was an excellent actor. I think the important thing is how we process this information and productively go on with our lives.
You appear to have very good insight into your childhood, and why you reacted in situations the way you did. Just keep up the good work, and do not let your’e SA play on that childhood. He knows exactly how to push your buttons – after all, he has spent a long time with you. Don’t let him manipulate your’e life any longer – your’e life belongs to you and no other. You can do it – you are well on your way – don’t blow it now.
Love to you.
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