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HI There,
I am new to both this website and the situation of living with an SA. My question to all of you is how do you define what your husband is ‘permitted’ to do sexually? What sexual boundaries have you set in place in your relationship? Also, how have you built back the trust that has been so tragicially been destroyed in your relationship? Any input around this would be amazing! Thank you so much!Your questions are good ones and there is no definitive answers. I don’t know of anyway to rebuild trust except for true change and time. There is nothing you can do to rebuild trust. He is the only one who can.
I find setting boundaries to be difficult. Because I have no idea if he is living within them. What sexual behaviors that are appropriate was defined by my H, his sponsor and his psychologist. Also what behaviors he needs to avoid because they can lead to the behaviors that aren’t permitted.
In my H’s case, in light of his addiction, what may be considered healthy sexual behavior for others are not for him. The only sexual behaviors considered “healthy” for him are only acts and thoughts within our marriage. No fantasies of others. No masterbation, etc.
regained her trust. I’m three years into this, and I don’t trust my SA.
Please don’t change your rules and values in order to justify his actions or make what he’s done ok.
Dear new mom,
It’s hard for some of us to respond, because we’ve learned some hard lessons along the way about sex addicts, and none of us wants you to lose heart or feel defeated by our experiences. At the same we wonder how to share what we’ve really learned, so that you are equipped to make the best decisions for you and your baby.
JoAnn has an ebook on boundaries that might be helpful to purchase. It’s not expensive. It’s important that your SA take responsibility for his behaviour and his choice to not act out anymore. He has to follow through. You have to know what your dealbreakers are, and he might have already blown it. Is he with a therapist? A program? Does he have other traits that reveal a possible Personality Disorder (PD)? How old is he and how long has he been acting out? All these things can affect his capacity for recovery and a true mutual adult relationship.
Can you support yourself and your baby? Can you go home with the baby for a while to think things through?I took notice to something in your questions that I hadn’t before. The way you phrased the trust question. I thought you asked how to rebuild trust but you asked how we HAVE. I can’t speak for every woman here but I don’t know of any off hand that HAS trust in their spouse. The process is so LONG I would imagine. There aren’t any ladies here who have had husbands in significant long term recovery. (i.e 5 years+)
I also don’t want to be discouraging because I do believe those coupes are out there. It’s just that they are far enough down the road in recovery that they aren’t seeking out support as are woman with fresher wounds.
My H is claiming over a year sobriety and I don’t feel like we have even scratched the surface of trust. I trust him to support our family. I trust him to be a good dad. I even trust him to jump through hoops to please me. Sexually I don’t trust him even a bit.
For even the strongest of couple’s, if there will be trust again, I believe it will not be for the long and distant future.
If you were to say to me… “Kim, I want to save my marriage, what’s your advice? I’d say:
1. Get a job. If you don’t have an education, go to school. You may have intended to be a stay at home mom but that option may no longer be wise. Life with a SA is completely unstable, You get slapped in the face with the reality of needing to make long and short term plans that do not include things working out.
2. Give up any ideas of your actual marriage having a chance and the seeds of trust even begging to happen for a long time. Years, You practically live together in the best relationship possible while he goes and does the necessary recovery work and you develop any sklls you need to be completely independent.
3. Get together a great support system you can trust. You will need these people to help pick you up when you’re down and to cheer you on when you’re doing great. Don’t make the mistake many of us have, We have isolated ourselves.I am truly hoping to come out of all of this better for having lived it. I love my H a lot and still hope “till death do you part” will HAPPILY happen, I work towards that goal. But every time we fight, I wonder if this will be the fight to end our marriage. So at the same time I am beginning to work towards a goal of creating a great life without him.
Kim put it very well. The only thing I would add, is that I am trying to “trust” and give the benefit of the doubt that my husband is really in a struggle, that he is trying, and NOT just a self centered pig. Sadly, even trusting that is sometimes hard.
I have had 4 rounds of discovery–meaning there have been long stretches of time when I thought my husband was being faithful, only to discover I was being decieved. We had gone to counselling and I thought had worked past this. I believed that even if the problem reared its head again, that he would be honest with me and we could tackle it together. That obviously didnt happen. Im not a stupid woman, but I sure feel stupid admitting this…We have gone way past the saying “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice…” but my husband always seems so sincere. trying to navigate that is challenging.
Looking back I am glad I stayed the first time–how I responded to him was aligned with who I want to be. But honestly the second time I know I stayed because we had just relocated from CA to TX, my teenage son (from first marriage) had come to live with us and was going through a tough time. I just didnt have the energy to dramatically shift things. Since then, I have been so hurt and tramatized I dont really know why Im here sometimes….
Having said that, I think the last thing you need on your plate is to feel you have to decide and do everything now. Take the time to enjoy your son, to breathe, and let your head catch up to your heart. Everyone else has given great advice on getting together a support system for yourself, I just want to second that. Easy to become isolated in a new place with a new baby–watch out for that. Keep reaching out!Kim,
That was a great and insightul post. A+ 🙂
And Bonnie B, I just want to add: don’t beat yourself up. You are not the only one, by any stretch, who is still there after multiple horrendous discoveries. I don’t think there’s any correct timetable in the light of this horrific trauma. I haven’t left yet (and I’m not implying everyone should leave), but I’m so much stronger than I was a year ago. Baby steps…
xoxo Julie
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