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We have a new Sister! She posted her question under ‘Groups’ instead of the forum. Most of us have done that–even me, so I guess I need to do a short tutorial (I’ll add that to my list!).
Anyway, so all of you can comment to her, here is her question:
what are the odds of recovery for an SA?
Hi New Sister jmb,
All addictions have a low recovery rate. I admit I don’t know the exact percentage, however, I have heard it’s around 5%. Please anyone correct this figure if you know for sure.Also, new sister, there are other factors which come into play like: how long have they been addicted, has their addiction progressed over time (ie. from porn to real bodies), do they have a lot of defenses in place to do what they do (denial, minimizing, blameshifting,etc.), do they fully admit they are a sex addict and want to do all possible to get into recovery, do they have other addictions present with the sex addiction, do they have an underling mental illness (ie bipolar) or personality disorder.
From the above list, one can see why the recovery rate is so low. Also, I have read the high from sex addiction is 10x’s that of heroin. That’s pretty addictive!!
Hope this information helps and I wish you all the best. Remember to take care of you because addicts will drag you down if you let them. Stay as healthy and as clear minded as possible, never deny what you know. Welcome to SOS.
Your friend and sister, nap
HI and welcome jmb,
Thank you for joining in and offering your question. NAP has given you a really complete response (she’s known for that gift!), so I’m not here to bring different information. I just want to add some “underlining” to the whole question of “recovery”.In the 12 step model, getting sober is the goal, and is often confused with recovery. Sobriety is the easy step. Recovery is much more, involving a therapeutic journey that addresses the cause of the addiction, and assesses whether the addiction is merely a symptom of great underlying problems like personality disorders (PD’s), as NAP mentioned.
Many women experience some relief when their SA gets sober, but many (like me) just found the underlying disorder was now unmedicated, and revealed terrible cruelty and abuse of other kinds.
So “recovery” questions are sometimes more complicated than some of the out of date treatment models would like.
Also, I’m very sorry that your life has been hurt by this addiction. Your thoughts and feelings about that experience are precious to this community, though, and I know you will be strengthened by the support. And sometimes we make each other laugh really hard.
Light for your path,
Diane.Hi jmb and welcome! NAP and Diane have probably said it all. 🙂 My SA is newly in recovery, so I’m hoping he’ll be one of the 5%, but I’m staying real and grounded. Being on this website has helped me do just that. We all care too much to let each other live in denial. I wouldn’t have it any other way. This is a great place for information, support and escape from the isolation of this addiction. Welcome, and the best to you, Zumbagirl
Welcome jmb! My husband is totally sober, and has not even started recovery. Ditto the wise ladies above. We care about you! Gotta go, and stay with us! Your sis, B. Trayed
Welcom jmb! My husband has been sober since February, and has started his recovery again. This is not the first round, but this round is different in that he’s actually trying to educate himself more about his problem and is in therapy with a sex addiction specialist. I think his odds of recovering are pretty slim, but I too am hoping he makes it to the 5%. If not then I will be moving on like many of the other sisters here.
Best to you, take care of yourself first. Love,LindyHi All – Report in on my session today. My therapist thinks I am reading too much negative stuff on this site, (Ho-Ho_Ho) and that probably everyone one here are angry women – she does have that part right. We all are!! She wanted to know how many success stories I have read and how many women
on s.o.s. write in with stories of they’re SA recovering from addiction and they are now happily married with no relapses.
Don’t agree with her on this one!!! We don’t see many success stories because there aren’t many.
Rest of the session was good, but I think she feels Steve will totally recover. Says she has seen evidence of many SA’s in total recovery and living happily married lives. I would like to meet some of them!!! She feels Steve is motivated and committed to his recovery. He does seem to be in some ways, She said I should be patient with the “twisted” thinking, because until he works through his trauma it won’t go away. She also said if EMDR is successful, he won’t need his addiction anymore as a coping mechanism. She has a lot more hope than I do.
Bottom line – Wants me to wait until right before divorce comes up to make my final decision. Meantime, she will work through EMDR to resolve my trauma issues. I am thinking she feels once those go away, my decision will be for the proper reasons, and not clouded by my trauma attachment to Steve from childhood issues. This part I agree with.
We talked about the SA’s inability to perceive and process things the way we do. Verbalized my concern Steve will be conning the new therapist. She said No Way – he is totally aware of the twisted brain of the SA and will pick up on inconsistenies in a heartbeat. We shall see. Steve has me thinking I am crazy the way he turns things around and never tells the same story the same way. He is excellent at being the convincing SA they are all so good atl
As NAP says, there are so many variables that impact recovery for the SA. I see some progress in Steve, but the denial is still there.
I do like my therapist very well. She is very supportive and has some good points, but don’t agree with her on most of the above.
Comments??I would push to speak with these so called revovered couples who are in a happy relationship. And I am 100% serious, and would not be at all shy about actually getting those numbers and meeting with them.
Here are my thoughts. And i give them alot. If in fact many women who are married to addicts are co-dependent would it not make sense that they are still married?? Are they still happy that they are married yes. Are they living a life you want to live…that is an entirely different quesiton. I would say give me their names and numbers or set up lunch next week..because I would really want to see this.
I thought she would also comment about us being angry. Did she suggest COSA too? Just go to one of those meetings online and you will see what its like to be married to a sex addict in recovery. Listen to how they sound, and decide if they sound happy. I felt they sounded sad and beaten down, but love their h and wanted to stay, and cosa provides a frame work to be able to do this.
To me her comments sounded like any new therapist that just met their client, you have months of work to go, and will most likely by august not have any better of an idea than you do now. But time will tell.
Actually Marie and JoAnn are both still married. Starry is another. I am sure there are more. But in reality many of our sisters are still “married”; but are they happy? Do they really have one foot out the door? I posted this to I think Lori before. What exactly is the definition of success?? Is it that they are still married in a year, 5 year, 10 years. Does the wife have so many ailements and diseased etc. because she is beaten down in tired…but hey their still married!! I would love to see what the definition of beat this addiction and success in a relationship is??
Dear Sharron, I think this session actually sounds helpful – except for “I have read and how many women
on s.o.s. write in with stories of they’re SA recovering from addiction and they are now happily married with no relapses”
HOw I wish I could accept this as possible. I don’t even know any “happily marrieds”. that is a myth also. and if the source of “there are no relapses” is from the SA, I highly doubt it. Remember psychotherapy – they are marketing their services too– $$ they promise the sky and hand us the pavement sometimes.However what I do like is that you will be able to address your trauma issues and make a clear headed decision. While it is possible for Steve to live in recovery and any of our guys to do so, the odds just are not there. we may be angry on our site, but at least we are honest. Almost all our guys go to SAA and therapy!! and still we don’t a great track record for must of it. the addiction remains active. we are living with it. I don’t know anyplace else that gives it straight up like our site. I think the therapist is very naive. And I don’t say that from anger…how i would love some real hope– and welcome positive results —
Ya know the other thing i don’t like about these therapist and just not yours. Is how when you are dealing with an addict they are almost always 100% on their side. That he is working the steps. Well how the hell does she know, how could she possible know better than you. My therapist thought the same thing about my H. And I have to say I fought her on that. Because how does she know. We are talking about a person who lies through their teeth. There is really no way to know for sure. And this was months ago, we are way past this now, and I have made my decision. Therapists in this phase will often only paint you the sunny side of the street.
Now I have made my decisions and we are divorcing. And now I here the other side of the stories. Today we taled about with addictions there are chronic relapses. It will happen again. What it all boils down to is what you are willing to accept and live with.
Ugh. I will put the keyboard away for now.
on the lying to the therapist thing– no they will not know if SA is telling the truth. For REAL. example
my SA and I attended couples counsleing for 1.5 years with same therapist. this was BEFORE d day, BEFORE I know of any addiction or infidelity.He never confessed. he lied the whole way through about what the real problems were. until d day. 3 yrs later. then he confessed to therapist. he lied lied lied
sorry Sharron, but the checks in the mail . . . . .re: the therapist who thinks we’re “negative” and “angry”
Go fuck yourself.
If you don’t get that this experience IS negative, and the appropriate response to our experience is ANGER, you should get the hell out of the therapy business.
TWIT!
I’m done with apologizing for not being a NICE woman, and pretending I’m not angry when I am angry, and I should be angry.
You can quote me.D.
First, Sharron, this should have been posted under your original topic. This topic is about our new member’s question. You do know how to do that because all of your comments yesterday were in the right place. I have copied and pasted your comment over there.
Second, I am not angry, and neither are most of the women here. Is that what you think of us? Most of us are working through our issues in a mature and rational manner and managing our anger in appropriate ways. And, as Diane stated, the actions of Sex Addicts do inspire anger–what else can you expect from someone who has been victimized the way we have? The anger that we do share is justified, appropriate and only a part of our lives.
I am still married, after almost EIGHT YEARS Larry and I have done the hard work and I consider ourselves quite happy. BUT, we are the exception no matter what your therapist thinks.
Is this YOUR therapist or Steve’s? I am confused. Your whole story just does not make sense and honestly, it makes my head spin. If she is your therapist she has no idea what Steve will or won’t do, and if she is Steve’s therapist, what in the hell are you doing going to her when you should be working with your own therapist?
I’m sorry, but this whole fuckin’ story just doesn’t make any sense to me. Your description of this therapist’s ideas about Sex Addiction and Steve sound like something out of Hollywood fiction instead of professional reality. I have never heard a therapist say the things that you have stated. Again Sharron, I am confused. Who is this therapist and exactly who is she treating? And please, don’t give me one of your convoluted explanations–just tell me, whose therapist is she?
Please put your comments in the forum that I started for you or start a new topic so we can keep everything organized
Thanks.
Hi All – I thought that topic would ruffle some feathers. Of course, I agree with all of you! This is a friend and colleague of mine. When I worked with her at the Psch Hospital and she knew his entire history over the past 2 years, she told me to get out. Now she has changed her mind,and I think is trying to save the marriage. Not to worry – I am just taking on the positive things she is doing (EMDR/trauma issues) and going from there. No-one is more well aware than I am on sexual addiction, so I feel getting to the trauma and resolving it will definitely assist me in making my decision for the right reasons.
also, she is a Christian counselor, and although religion and prayers certainly have there place for us all I think she is idealistic and thinks God will solve it all. My opinion is God helps those who help themselves.
I also agree with whoever said there is no way a counselor can tell if they are being had. How would they? These SA’s are so good at lieing, and the counselor has to go with what is presented to them unless they catch them in an obvious inconsistency. Actually, I catch Steve in them, but I know him like a book and no-one else would even pick up on them.
I’m sick of counselors, sick of Steve, and this whole damn mess!
The only thing I really agree with is she told me the fact that I was never truly in love before Steve is indicative of the fact I wouldn’t let myself be hurt. Probably true. Then I became vulnerable and fell in love with Steve and it is my feeling that is why the difficulty in letting go. I think that is all there is to it, but we will see.
Thanks for all your replies – you are right on.
Sorry JoAnn that I posted in the wrong place. My head is just not connected to my body right now.Hi Sharron,
I may be posting this in the wrong place but I’m confused too.
Here’s my take on your therapist Sharron: she’s in la la land about sex addiction, her comments confirm she doesn’t know or understand what it’s like to be married to one. I would DEMAND my money back and look for someone who gets it! If I sound angry, ITS BECAUSE I AM!!!!!! Anger is acually an appropriate emotion when someone fools you for 25 years, has unprotected sex with me after having sex with only how many prostitutes, lies, manipulates, cheats, and emotionally abuses me in the process. I would be unhealthy if I wasn’t angry about all that. love, napHi NAP – As I just told JoAnn, I agree with you 100%. I am just staying with her because of her training in EMDR, and have been taking everything else she says with a grain of salt.
I think she is somewhat idealistic and doesn’t understand Sexual Addiction, as she has admitted to me that it is not her
specialty.
We all know out anger is justified. I feel it, and so do we all who have gone through the trauma that SA’s so manipulatively put us through.
HugsOnce upon a time, I used to be a nice girl and keep my anger and other emotions under control and …oh yea….my SA husband walked all over me. Been there, done that. SO over that.
I am beginning to think that no one has the right to counsel the wives of sex addicts, whether we are staying or leaving, unless they have also been married to a sex addict.
MarieSeems that way Marie. I have never been a nice girl and kept my anger and emotions under control though – always go ape shit and let Steve have it with full barrels. He has never walked over me – just “f” with my mind.
Dear Marie
I think you hit the nail on the head. Some times I get tired of all the therapist stuff, — we are married to addicts. The best advice I get most of the time, is guess where? HERE. Because you are living it too. It is one thing to speak words of advice, or help us get in touch with our feelings, and have a light go on. — good therapy. It is good to have trauma addressed. It is bad to give clueless advice and starry eyed answers from someone with no experience with addiction. we are better off going to a rehab. Counslers for those with chemical dependencies would understand us more. they get the lies, manipulation, just the addiction itself. I don’t think family therpists can handle the gravity
Where is Dr Drew when you need him? He would give good advice to us. I swear. I mean do you think alcholics and drug addicts don’t have PD’s they are medicating? I am sure they do. In many ways, SA is no different. It takes people’s lives and health. Some idiot in a shrink chair just does not get it. sorry folks, just sayin… not bashing therapy—I just want partner of addict based therapy that is not ridic codie co addict crapDear JMB
I’ve read part of your story on MTASA and see that you’ve been on this journey for a very long time. I’m not sure if you’re asking the question about recovery for your own situation, or just as a general question. If it is for yourself, and if it’s not too painful a process, would you be able to give some background to your situation?
I know the sisters on this site have great insight into things. They very gently and lovingly helped me understand that the situation would my husband would never improve, as long as he’s still in denial.
But to answer your question, I’ve also read that the chances of recovery from sex addiction are 5-10% – though I have no idea what type of people are more likely to recover, and what exactly recovery means.
Much love,
Laya
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