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http://www.theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/staff/omar-minwalla-psy-d/
Dr. Omar Minwalla ( in california)…..
He is a sex addict guru. He will wear them down and drag the truth from them and protect you the whole way. He is not cheap. He does psych evals on them.
The best thing to do is forget him and get yourself to Minwalla for a partner intensive.
I personally believe that anyone that behaves in this manner is a sociopath. It may not be clinically diagnosed but they are.
Bev, that is why it’s so upsetting. I know there is no cure. I have a much longer more interesting profile. It goes to say that by the age of 15 – 18 it is set and there is nothing you can do. I was reading this all late last night… cried a bit as reality set in. Then I thought of my poor little boys and cried a lot. Teenagers do not feed their parents egos. I am afraid of what will happen when he is no longer their hero. This really REALLY seriously sucks.
Wish i could post some pics of my kids. They are great boys!
My kids are 15 and 13 ( girl, boy)….. It is far easier to “kill” their hero young ….
My kids have me and their father is “towing” the proverbial line. It is a very bad age ( sex/puberty etc) to drag a kid into this crap.
I sent him to Minwalla and he was so torn up and sorry that the idiot signed a pretty good legal document giving me pretty much everything. I can dump him or not as I choose….
I’m probably kidding myself thinking I can make til they graduate but whatever …I’m doing the best I can for now. I do not put up with any bullshit. I do not listen to one word he says. I am friendly, polite, and even loving at times.
I hate his fucking guts.
I’m on session 7 and its taken away some of my “stuckness” and helped me process the really painful crap.
It’s effective and fast and I bounce around the memories a lot but I’m feeling stronger than I have for a long time.
jos1972 I’m glad to hear that. I need to be completely reprogrammed. Wipe my brain clean and start over please. I need a do over. I need to be kind to myself. I’m my own worst enemy now. I know my thoughts are not correct – not normal. I know people would think wtf if they new what I see in the mirror and how i feel about myself. just can’t shake it.
Bev. The control helps. We couldn’t control them, except when they beg to come home, and when we get it, it is the only time for peace. Although I’m not sure its healthy either:-) I am a strong personality. I need control. I want revenge. I want him to suffer. I want him to pay. I hate his guts.
… and i love him:-( fucker.March has also done it and found it helpful. I REALLY want to do it it’s availability where I am is scarce but I hope to have an opportunity soon. I think you do need some help Kelly. It is ok if you don’t feel strong enough to leave right now. It is important that you get help for yourself and that you continue to look at him with your eyes wide open. There are a few here that are DEF sociopaths. Definitely! Mine was tested but supposedly is not. I don’t think he is either because he doesn’t have enough confidence and detachment to be a real sociopath….too needy to be one. He is some other fucked up thing. Narcs and socios are pretty similar animals? They are
both VERY bad news. we will continue to remind you of all these facts BUT it is still ok to be crazy for awhile. God knows the rest of us were. 😉Kelly,
You have already gotten his best, the boys. Fuck him and fuck his chump change. You have supported his lying cheating ass long enough.
in answer to your first post (i’m not sure where this thread has gone – haven’t read it, my apologies), i don’t share what i hear from my sisters with my H. i don’t try to hold a mirror to his face, to show him, to teach him, to knock some sense into him. the very few times i have shared things with him (like how some of my sisters have been put in very very real danger by SA) i have found that he doesn’t listen to me at all, or that he gets defensive, or that he goes to shame gets dismissive. i think these guys negate us in their minds, because we scare them so much.
so i don’t talk to him about anything personal, about SA or otherwise. i keep it on a level of conversation like i might have with a neighbour. i find this keeps me safe.
not only because i avoid his gaslighting. but also because, looking back, he was often really cold when i tried to connect with him personally. it’s much easier to have a buisness like relationship with him, because i’m not disappointed by his distance and lack of empathy.
I’m the same as Lisa. We talk shop, kids, weather, etc
No sa stuff. He told me a few times SOS was bad for me, yall prob try to get me to divorce him (his belief) and I needed to keep in mind that I’m only hearing half the story. Well, no shit Sherlock. That’s how support sites work. You believe your guys stories in the sa mens group but I’m not to believe you ladies?? He’s a controlling hypocrite no doubt. The last time he knocked SOS I told him I don’t dictate his recovery, his therapist was worthless imho but he kept going, so he was not to knock what works for me. I also said I can think for myself and if I couldn’t I would’ve taken y’all’s advice a long time ago and be divorced right now.
I do however take my jabs when sa stories are in the news. When we saw the Weiner story on tv I said things to him like Huma should’ve left his stupid ass, his sincerity and justifying and diminishing was eerily similar to what you said to me when you were caught all those times viewing or buying DVDs and gawd, what a lying piece of shit, so smug how he hurt his wife but he just kept on and on and on being a pervert.
It’s like saying it to him that way. 😉
I don’t share anything about SOS with him. He taints everything, and I wouldn’t trust him not to find a way to get in or on, especially if he thought SOS would help me. He doesn’t even know SOS exists. What you will learn Kelly is that NOTHING you do changes him, including sharing anything. What you will learn from SOS is how to change yourself and your life so it looks the way you want it to.
Lisak I know what you are saying. Only 2 months from the time we labeled it “sex addiction” and both starting seeing therapists. So of course I want him to tell me how his session went. I would share mine and was emotionally spent. After a few weeks of listening to him and looking for something that shows he gets it or feels remorse for himself but especially for me… I stopped. It was more painful than not sharing at all because I realized he does not and is not capable. So as you all say… I guess its what were willing to live with. If we did not have 2 young children that I would have to share and never had to see him again, this would be a no brainer.
Kelly,
I wouldn’t share anything with him other than small talk, like the sisters say. Do not make yourself vulnerable to him, do not try to get him to see your side. These guys are really good at saving that kind of info and using it as a weapon down the road. The more detached you are, the better off you will be.When you feel the need to talk to him, just post here or go spend some time with your boys- anything to distract yourself. That urge will go away and you will feel much more in control, which is where you want to be.
I know we so want them to “get it.” But he is not going to listen to you. And I know that hurts- it’s just another betrayal.
Really good advice, Ladies; say nothing. It’s so difficult, especially in the beginning, but it’s a really important skill set. Vent where you can, safely (like here), but don’t tell him anything. It took me a while to learn that, but he SHOWS me with his actions that nothing I say will get through. I’ll give you a “for instance”:
Just last night, we were watching tv- a Bill Maher rerun from the night before- and there was a loooong bit in the monologue about Anthony Weiner. Of course, it’s pretty funny for people without SA in their lives, but for ME it’s a little excruciating when it goes on and on and on. Anyway, he’s sitting there laughing at the jokes out loud…like this is not really his life. And with no regard for how I might feel to have to listen to that. Just doesn’t register. So after some 7 minutes of uncomfortable Weiner jokes, they announce on the screen that one of the guests is Elliot Spitzer. Game over! Ok, that’s enough for me, and I get off the couch to go to bed. As I’m leaving, he asks “what’s wrong? Is it the Weiner stuff?”. I told him I had had enough, it’s not nice to sit through right now, and he say “yeah, that guy has a real problem”.
Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up!!! So no, I treat him like he is functionally retarded (because he is) and I have stopped talking to him about anything I feel. Just walk away.Jenny,
So typical! But he didn’t throw in a “You’re too sensitive”?Your story reminded me of one my stories…
After dr.e started “recovery” and our marriage counselor said he needed to work on “empathy”, she told him that those kinds of stories (Weiner, Spitzer, cheating) were likely to upset me, which I confirmed. She recommended that he just hold my hand and be supportive, asked what I would be comfortable with, etc. Which he proceeded to do- hold my hand, occasionally say he was sorry.Well, of course, it turned out that he was going to orgies and prostitutes all the while this was going on. So much for empathy and feeling sorry. It burns me up and makes me sick.
No, I don’t think they ever “get it”. I think they learn to parrot what the therapists tell them to say. They learn how to lie better to get what they want. IMO.
My god. They all really are animals. I am unfortunate to have too much empathy. I can hear something from someone and feel true sadness and pain for them as if its happening to me. This is why this is even harder to understand. I think our empathy also acts against us at first because we want to understand our SA and we try and look at their childhood and how they became this way. I’ve been reading a lot about absence of father in a boys life. Its all starting to come together but at the end of the day, not feeling were the skills they developed to cope and that can’t be undone.
The movie flight with denzel Washington we watched together. It was like watching my SA. If you haven’t seen it you should, so good. He’s an alcoholic but you see the way he pisses his life away even when everyone tried to help him. My SA also is an alcoholic, not daily drinking but when he does there is no off switch. I remember my SA saying geez he was really fucked up but no association to his own self.
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