Random flashback

Well, I find this all to be very interesting. There are relationships where the husband wants less sex with the his wife and where he wants more sex with his wife. I think this is very normal in terms of frequency and balancing the desires of both people in the marriage. I wonder how frequency plays a role in the management, development or progression of the addiction? It seems that I read somewhere that many SA’s prefer not having sex with their wife. The madonna/whore kind of syndrome. I am not sure what the actual stats are. This never fit with our relationship. My husband never seemed satisfied with the amount of sex that we shared. He blames the addiction on his high sex drive and my lack of responding to his needs. Great shifting technique!!!! I understand that this is just an excuse and deflection, but it does hook a piece of me that feels like I was not sexual enough for him. For that I feel bad. Not with myself, because I think that I am a normal female with normal needs. (Again, what ever normal is?) In looking back at our relationship and analyzing the situation, I don’t think it really had anything to do with whether or not I enjoyed sex. Obviously, I did. I can tell you that I did. My lack of sexual response was a direct reflection of a lack of emotional intimacy. So the question is always, what came first the chicken or the egg. Did my lack of desire bring about a lack of emotional intimacy or did his lack of emotional intimacy bring about a lack of sexual desire? This is the big question.

Well, I just have to say, if your hungry and you are depending on someone else to make you dinner, what are you doing to encourage that person to make dinner for you? Do you sit around and pout, making everyone miserable because that person has not made a move to make dinner? Do you demand dinner and make the person who you are depending on feel used? Do you go elsewhere and decide that although having dinner with that person would be nice, this other person seems to be making dinner without demands. Perhaps talking about dinner with the person your depending on would be a novel idea. Perhaps being very nice to that person and creating an environment that dinner can be made is an idea. Perhaps talking about how much you enjoy it when that person makes you dinner would be an idea. Perhaps offering to go to the grocery store together in order for there to be food for dinner preparation would be an idea.
HHMMMMM no that can’t happen because you feel so rejected because she does not want dinner at the same time you want it. I think I will pout and be an ass. That will change her mind.

AAARRGGHHHH Just venting and being crazed STILLLL!!!

Lexie,

If he was so unappetizing than I am proud of you that you honored yourself and did not engage with it. I wish I could say the same thing about myself. But the thing is, I did enjoy sex with him. So I really don’t know what he is talking about. He just wanted to do it more than I did. Sometimes I would engage just because he was easier to deal with afterwards than if I didn’t. In looking back though, I don’t think this was honoring myself. The other thing that I am thinking that I was not aware of at the time is this. If he was looking at porn and objectifying woman all the time, than no wonder he was all “horned” up. Not fair that I was not knowing that he was getting himself all sexed up while I was changing diapers. And this really just makes me angry when I think of the unfairness of it all. Additionally, looking back, it also makes sense now how he did not allow me time to respond to him sexually. Again for the purposes of our sisterhood I am speaking (not trying to be graphic), but from a true honesty. He was expecting me to be ready like the woman on the porn shows. Well, guess what? That is NOT normal. Woman sometimes need time to respond sexually. I am sad for myself that I allowed myself to try to respond in a way that is not natural for me. He would just start grabbing at me and I was supposed to be ready to go baby. Well, that is just not the way it happens. That is NOT the way a “real” woman is. Yes, it is the fantasy, and that is the way they respond in porn. And yes, sometimes, we are like this, but not always!!!!

So kiss my royal ASS!!!!!!!!!!!

I am pissed!!!!!!!!!

Oh March,
Yes, again, we were trying to please them. Inside we are thinking why the heck would you want to pretend your choking me, but hey, what ever floats your boat. Now that we know that the whole thing was a bigger problem, I find myself wondering “Just how did I not know?”.
Some of the things that I remember him saying to me during sex now haunts me. Again, at the time, I just thought he was having fun with a fantasy. OK, that is fine, but whoa, I had no idea there was more to it.

And now I kind of feel like my head is so messed up with regards to what is normal and what is not. What should a “real” woman do and what was me just trying to respond to the antics of a SA.

So sad. I hate this. Now I am really screwed up when it comes to sex. I can’t imagine having a sex life with someone now that I know what I know. I understand that all of this will take time. But damn, they just don’t know what has been robbed from us. Nor do they even have the ability to think beyond themselves to even consider what kind of effect this has had on us.

Nope, the irony is that they continue in their fantasy land and have these built up layers of protection that keeps them from feeling. While we must deal with our broken spirits and shattered souls. Even if I have to cope with feeling bad though, I would still rather feel than be like them. I would still rather be me!!!!!!!