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Hello sisters,
I’m conflicted about something…..
My SAH befriended an older gentlemen in our smallish town – an Irish poet with a very sad past. (his wife, who was mentally ill, killed their son and herself). He became an alcoholic from the trauma – and then got into recovery and now is a 12-step guru. His life mission is to help addicts. He hangs around town and counsels lots of people – and wealthy people help him out (with housing, etc). He has become like a surrogate grandfather to our kids – and has babysat and attended grandparent day at school, etc. Our kids love him. He is a gentle, loving soul.
One day during my SAH’s binge last year – right after my breast surgery – I called Raymond in tears as my SAH cancelled our date night and I knew something was up. He called my SAH and yelled at him and told him to get home and be a good father and husband. My SAH said that snapped him out of his “trance”.
A few months ago, however, my SAH told me that Raymond was “hooking” him up with women willing to have “no strings attached” sex in the downtown area. I didn’t believe my SAH and even asked Raymond about it and he said that my SAH was delusional and needed real help.
My SAH swears it’s true – and I’m starting to believe him. I saw Raymond in downtown yesterday and I didn’t want to talk to him. In fact, I wanted to yell at him. I feel so angry at him for doing that.
Any advice? Should I yell at him? My SAH says to do whatever makes me feel better – but that it might just make things awkward for everyone. My SAH says that he doesn’t talk much with him anymore…..but is cordial. I guess I just want to know the truth (without having a portable lie detector machine with me).
Deb
Oh Deb I’m so sorry. As if policing your SAH isn’t enough?? I don’t know. If it were me I would probably consider him bad news, cut him out of my life and not waste my energy on trying to find the truth. You have enough energy draining going on just trying to keep up with a SAH. But that’s just what I would do. I hope you find a peaceful decision that feel right to you.
~Michelle~
Yes Deb, I agree with Michelle.
This man has undergone a lot of trauma in his life that you know about, who knows what the rest of the story is. As you described him above I saw red flags all over the place.
Don’t take on two needy persons to try to fix, your husband is more than enough. And no matter how nice he seems, I would not let a man with his type of background around my children. You can be compassionate and understanding of people but you should not allow them that closely into your life.
I would not yell at him, what purpose would that serve? And, you really have no obligation to give him an explanation either. It’s your personal choice. Just cut the relationship off. That’s the healthy thing to do.
I know you want to know the truth, but Deb, you cannot have that much control over people. If this man wants to lie to you he will and you cannot do anything about it. Let it go. The truth will have to come from your husband, and it’s obvious he is not forthcoming. But that is another issue.
Sending you strength, courage and love during this difficult time. With much love ~ JoAnn
I agree with all of above..If you ever get your SA to take a poly you can always ask about Raymond…
In the interim, I would keep it ” no contact”.
Well, I, for one, wouldn’t believe a WORD your asshole h is saying. A tactic of my first husband was to set someone up as evil or crazy so that if they ever told me anything he was doing, I wouldn’t believe them. I’d bet Raymond has some dirt on your dirtbag.
That said, I’d STILL keep my distance (AND MY KIDS AWAY) from the old man. Maybe his wife was mentally ill all on her own, or maybe she was driven to do what she did. While we have found each other, and while we are keeping our heads above water in this whirling cesspool of abuse, some actually drown…I’m jaded, yes, but I’m ALWAYS suspicious of the man in these types of situations.
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