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So for a few days i wrote everything down that i was thinking… How i feel ect. I want him to read it or me read it to him. But i dont know how to bring it up. Is it weird for me to want him to read it? I have a hard time saying how i feel so i feel i write it better…
Crystal, dear, you can read it to him, have him read it, scream it from the rooftops…. It won’t make one damn bit of difference. My advice is this: lay low, pretend you’re ok, that things are ‘back to normal’, lull him into a false sense of security and patiently watch the trap you’ve set with eBlaster. It might take a week, a month, longer but I can promise you he’ll be back to his trix in no time (that is if he ever stopped). Or you can skip all that work and just realize he’s a fucking asshole who is destroying your life and completely ruining this irreplaceable time with your precious newborn and for that he deserves to rot in Hell. I really wish you’d save the time and energy you are going to expend on this loser and instead run as fast and as far away as you can. IMHO.
And next time I’ll tell you what I really think. 😉 I try NOT to frighten the new sisters at least for awhile, but your SA really pisses me off. Said with concern and a pretty high level of piss-off-ed-ness. Love, Liza
Journaling is so powerful. Sharing with him right now will probably not result in any empathy from your SA. You need validation and it should be from him but that will be a long long time coming if ever. My experience says share your journal here, in counseling, with a friend, but do NOT make yourself that vulnerable to SA until they are long out of denial. If ever. Until then, it’s fuel for gaslighting and blame shifting. My experiences only.
Journaling is so powerful. Sharing with him right now will probably not result in any empathy from your SA. You need validation and it should be from him but that will be a long long time coming if ever. My experience says share your journal here, in counseling, with a friend, but do NOT make yourself that vulnerable to SA until they are long out of denial. If ever. Until then, it’s fuel for gaslighting and blame shifting. My experiences only.
Lynn is SO right! By sharing your journal, your feelings in any form, you are giving him ammunition. When blaming and raging don’t work to get him what he wants, he’ll parrot your words back to you, kindly, as though he thought them up himself. Your husband is very sick. He has used sex as a coping skill because he HAS NO HEALTHY coping skills. He lacks empathy. He doesn’t feel HIS OWN feelings, so don’t expect him to feel yours. He’s dangerous to you. Do not feed the narcissist.
You can read your journal to us. This is your safe place to cry, vent, and get validation and feedback.
DO NOT GO TO YOUR ABUSER FOR COMFORT OR EMPATHY!!
They cannot, at this point-if ever, give you what you need to heal.
We all want to do exactly what you are thinking and trying to do. It’s a normal reaction from you but the connection does not exist in them, so it is a continous loop, the crazy-making cycle.
Journal for yourself, for a record of your journey, for documentation, for legal purposes. You can only share this with him once he has gone through much counseling to understand what his behavior is and how it has affected you.
Keep reading here and find the correlations to your story and the wise responses from the women who have been there, done that. It will save you time and heartache.
Love to you,
Debora
Crystal,
I second the sisters…but especially Liza-Damn she has a way with words :), but seriously…get your help/support somewhere safe and let him do his thing. Sooner rather than later, if he feels like the coast is clear, he will show his colors.Crystal,
Awww…..how I remember how destroyed I felt, how hurt I was during the early days. I just wanted my best friend, my SAH there, to hold me and help me. But he was the purportrator – and he was soooo sick. He was screwed up so that my efforts were in vain. In fact, I think he got off on the pain. (mommy transfer crap).
You will have to come to the realization that they don’t have much empathy (at this point anyway)….and they need to fall hard to even come to realize they have a problem and work on it – to get out of their narcissistic fog and have honest to goodness empathy.
I’m so sorry…..this all really sucks.
Oh – and if I had Eblaster like you do early on – I never would have gone to him for support – I would have kicked his ass to the curb with concrete evidence….so just wait and watch. It will come….
Deb
This is one of those normal instincts that does not work with an addict and/or an abuser. Reach out to healthy people for support when you have that urge. Fight reaching out to him. It will get you nothing but heart ache.
This thread was so helpful to me. I realize I’m stuck thinking he may come through and not be such an asshole if he sees how bad he hurt me…and he uses it as ammo against me. I’m getting better about protecting myself, but those slips are damned costly.
Crystal, I’m 18 months in and these ladies are so right. Wish I had come here in the beginning.
((Hugs)) I know it hurts like a mother-fer.
Amy
Crystal – I know it’s so tempting to go to the one person we think is our best friend, the one person we think can make this all better. It’s so hard to give up that instinct. You have to mourn the loss of that. But trust me, he will say what he thinks you want to hear but he will not “get it”. And as the other sisters have said, he’ll just use it as ammo against you or just continue to gaslight you. If I had a site like this 10 years ago, when I first discovered his acting out (also when I was pregnant with our first child), I wouldn’t still be here dealing with this shit. You have us – post here as often as you need to in order to get someone to really hear you but do not read your journals to him – you’ll just feel worse in the end.
Crystal, it’s not at all weird that you want him to read it. I did too. But I wouldn’t recommend it. They’re generally so walled up that at best we get these sort of plastic scripted responses from them if they read it. And then it feels like we showed them our deepest thoughts and feelings and came up with pretty much a blank in response. At a time like this when we’re feeling so vulnerable anyway, we don’t really need anything to add to our pain and confusion. Like the other sisters said, share it here if you feel like it. We understand. They sadly don’t. xoxo
Crystal – On Friday night I sent this text to my SAH at almost midnight – my H of 30yrs, ok?
“I want you to know how badly I hurt tonight. I sometimes feel the pain will kill me or maybe I just wish it would. I do not believe that a heart attack could hurt any worse than my broken heart.”
On Saturday afternoon I got a reply, “What can I do to make it better.”
I had a phone conversation with him last night where he told me that my not believing that he has not had ‘extra-marital sex” was my problem (even though he failed the poly), that I could choose to trust him again (even though he has admitted to a porn addiction and placing ads on websites for casual sex over the last 13yrs) and that he thinks this will end in divorce and HE will lose me and his 4 children because I brought an attorney into it. I got nothing that I needed from him, because he is incapable of giving me what I need. Don’t put it out there for him to twist – I did and I regret it today.Sorry, Trish. It really is so sadly typical. We keep acting like they are someone that we want them to be rather than who they really are. You have to bang your head up against that wall a few times till you finally learn. And it hurts each time.
Those are exactly the types of replies that got my H kicked out of my house and it was Minwalla or nothing. Now, he chose Minwalla and he is towing the line but the polygraph is coming and he doesn’t know it. I’m still not sure if it matters to me or not but I am bound and determined to have the last word. I’m like that. It’s a fault and I usually try to temper it but not this time. I am giving him ample opportunity to hang himself. We shall see..
Trish, your H is so far in denial that there is NO sense in talking to him I tried that so many times and ended up in tears. It is heartbreaking and it doesn’t even seem real. I am so sorry he is choosing this path but he is. Stay strong and focused and remember that when you have to talk to him it isn’t the man you think you know. Pretend you are talking to a drunk. That helped me. I just pretended he was high or drunk or stoned or whatever and then I didn’t say much and I certainly expected no sane response from him.
Bev – He is totally in denial! I just have to find the strength to not contact him or not answer his calls when I am feeling low and sad. 32 years with him is a really hard habit to break. Plus, since I isolated myself so much the first time, I do not have the same support I might have had if I had been honest with my friends back then. It is all just so fucking hard!
I know it is. I feel the same way. It seems surreal that you cannot talk to your own husband. My hope for you is that he gets help somewhere down the road. At least it would give you closure and he might be able to be a decent father.
Don’t feel too bad about isolating and not letting your friends help. This is not easy to just tell people. It takes planning and then you have to answer all their questions…
I think if you tell them this time that they will understand and be there for you.
Sometimes too it helped me to get really mad 🙂
I think the isolation part is huge. I know I did that. I didn’t understand what was going on, other than that something was very much wrong, and I believed I was to blame. I sought therapy but had bad therapists for a while who just didn’t get it at all. So I shut down socially, and got more and more caught up in his world. I tried so hard to be better for him. Tried never to ask any questions about his activities. Hell, I even made that the point of therapy for a while — I kept track of the questions I’d ask him (even stuff like “How are you doing today” was forbidden by him) to try and reduce my questioning and suspicions. Argh!
The isolation does not help, that’s for sure, but I don’t want to talk badly about him, even if he is the one who made such a mess of his life. I still feel loyalty to him, and I know I always will. (Plus, we work together, which doesn’t help any of this.)
Sometimes I wonder if the isolation isn’t just another tactic he used to keep me off balance. After all, if we can’t talk to anyone else about what is going on in our personal lives, then we are stuck in the insanity they have created.
Not sure if any of this makes sense. I am still figuring all this out, and I feel like a big light is shining in a very dark place for the first time in forever.
Yes, it’s on all the wheels of domestic violence.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/
Isolation is a given. Without the sounding board of a supportive network it’s SO much easier to convince a partner the issue is all in their head. Gaslighting doesn’t work in a group setting 😉
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