Ready…Set…Vent!!

Argh! I am sooo mad right now! I guess it finally hit me today. I thought to myself over these last few weeks, “why doesn’t this bother me more.” “Why am I not angry” and i was feeling bad about not being able to muster up any feelings, which now I guess I recognize as just being numb. well today the crap hit the fan and on Christmas no less. Nothing really big happened, but he just set me off.

I’ll rewind, about two weeks ago, a short time after I told him to leave the house I felt pretty good about the progress he was making and was able to see a shift in his thinking, where instead of blaming me for what I’ve done, he’d admit that he was messed up for rationalizing things and had a insane way of thinking etc. we decided we’d try to work things out. He’d tell me how his SA meetings were going, and I’d tell him how I felt with certain triggers etc. For instance, on Sat. we went to see the movie “this is 40” about a married couple dealing with life. It was pretty good my hubby said it should have been called “this is thirty”, but I told him we’re not the typical thirty year olds (we’re both 33, been married for 13 years). The movie hit a nerve when the man was talking about taking a Viagra to make sex better with his wife. Made me remember the times when my hubby would take some male enhancement pills to make him go “longer” for sex. He’d tell me he was taking them so he could please me better. So I asked him after the movie, ” you didn’t just take those pills to please me did you?” He told the truth, it was like a dagger in the chest. I moved on.

We dropped the girls off to my parents house in SC over the weekend for their school break. My mom doesn’t work , and they enjoy spending time there. I originally had plans to stay there til after Christmas, but we decided, we’d be more productive at home and we could have some “quiet time” (plus, i was dreading nights on the pull out couch bed) the girls didn’t mind so we Face timed them opening gifts this AM.

I had the some of those images flash through my mind earlier today and was beginning to dwell on it. I tried to let it pass, but I guess it showed on my face, he kept asking me what was wrong, and I didn’t want to bring it back up. I didn’t have the girls home to distract me from thinking SA thoughts today. He went to the gas station to get a snack – I’ve come to the realization that I am a stress eater, one thing I know I need to work on, and plan to work on when I get past this SA crap, anyways he tossed me the snack, and seemed irritated walked to the kitchen, came back and said something to the matter of how he loved me and is concerned about my health and he doesn’t want me to hurt myself more…we’ve had these talks before, but today it sent me over the edge!!!! Yes, I am a big girl, obese even, but I am curvy and will get men trying to pick me up and telling me how beautiful I am almost on a weekly basis! He on the other hand, is a diabetic, takes medication for high cholesterol, high blood pressure, would smoke a pack or more of cigarettes a day (he’s quit since Oct, but still pops nicotine gum like candy) I’ve never smoked, and generally healthy other than my weight. Some days it does bother me when I can’t fit into clothes, but most days I know I’m gorgeous! Seems like my husband misses that sometimes and it does take it’s toll on me, I’ve gained a lot of weight since we got together almost 15 years ago, but I was never a skinny girl.

Anyways back to the point, since he told me what he thought about the snacks, I thought I’d give him a piece of my mind. I told him he had SOME nerve telling me what he thought about my eating habits after the Sh*t he just put on my lap! then he went on to say that wasn’t what he meant and asked if I was mad at him. I left the house to go on a walk, something I haven’t one in awhile but it felt good. I was gone for two hrs. He texted me that he was just trying to be supportive, and he loved me blah blah. I texted back “F U”. To which he responded “why would you say that”. Then I went off (via text) I wrote:

“Yes, I’m mad at u. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the fact that u stick ur cock in hoes up and down the East coast, that u suck another woman’s cat and come home to kiss me in my mouth. Hell yes I’m pissed especially today. Now you don’t have to ask me no more.”

“U don’t like my weight, deal with it? I have to deal with u”

It could have been worse, but he only has a cell phone through his work and it is monitored.

He replied that he doesn’t have a problem with my weight and he loves me.

On separate occasions when he was in blame mode he would tell me or agree with me that it would be nice if I was in shape like years ago, or that he sees how people look at me when we are together etc. what a blow to my ego, then expects me to believe him when he tries to convince me he loves my body. ARGH!!!

I walked off some steam and came home to him apologizing telling me he loved me. I told him to leave me alone. We ate dinner that he cooked and I came back to the bedroom.

I guess he prob is wondering where this is coming from, Yesterday I gave him his Christmas gift, an IPad. i told him it was to show him I supported him in his recovery so that he could have the reading material he needed w/o having to carry different books around. i told him I was seeing the progress he was making, and told him I was proud of him – and now this. As I’m writing this, I’m beginning to cool off some, but OMG did I need to get that off of my chest up until this point I would just take I what he was telling me and didn’t / couldn’t say much back b/c I was sooo broken. Now I think I’m beginning to pick up the pieces.

Thanks for letting me vent!!

I hope your Christmas is /was Merrier than mine. 🙂