red flags – patterns?

Artemis,
I have written many journals to myself regarding not paying attention to my gut instincts. I admire your strength and I think that you are doing so well on this journey that we all have found ourself on. I think that it is wise to look back and try to see a pattern of behavior that could have pointed us in a direction that would reveal what we now know.

I did not know that he was involved in sexual activities with other woman (or anything else for that matter) during our marriage until I discovered an email from him to a prostitute. There are many things that I look back on now that I know, and have had to re-write in my mind. It is hard because obviously we can’t change history, and we can’t change our responses to what happened.

I think it is good to learn about who we were in the past and who we are now based on our experience and knowledge in the present. Sometimes I find that I beat myself up for not being “more aware”, and I have to be careful not to torture myself this way. Someone shared with me that we become aware of what we need to know when we are ready to become aware of it. For instance, if there were signs that were telling me something was going on, but I did not let that come to a conscious level, perhaps there were other things going on in my life that needed more attention at that time. I do not know if I am explaining this clearly, but it just made sense to me.

It is always the hindsight……that bites us in the arse!!!

I look back on the moodiness and lack of communication in our marriage that perhaps was the biggest piece of mystery that now I am thinking was part of the SA. I get angry with myself that I tolerated so much, especially knowing that he was getting his fill elsewhere. The reality, however, is that I am who I am, and I was really trying to make our family life happy and whole. If I would have been more confrontational about his temperament, it is possible that all of this might have come about sooner.

Validating all of my gut feelings have helped me to be on a more healing path. I can so easily fall back into not trusting me right now, and for that matter not trusting anyone. Slowly, achingly slow, I am getting there.

Hugs, Cindy

Oh so many red flags! I wouldn’t even know where to start naming them all. This actually came up today when I was meeting with my theraptist. We were discussing how I don’t really have a firm timeline for when all this started since there hasn’t been any real or meaningful disclosure just confrontation when I find something that I feel I just can’t ignore any longer. She asked me when I thought his first affair (the one that I knew of) started and I told her it was right around the time my Dad was diagnosed first with Emphysema and COPD and then with what we thought was Alzheimers Disease but which turned out to be Lewy Body Dementia. In the same time period, I was having problems with endometriosis and ended up having a hysterectomy. My therapist said something to the effect of “Wow, there was so much going on in your life – so much pain! You need to forgive yourself for ignoring things that you didn’t have the physical or mental capacity to deal with just then.” I can’t tell you how wonderful that validation felt to me!! Like Cindy, I’m trying to learn to listen to my gut and to validate my trust in myself but it’s not easy. Some of the things I know now – like he took his latest stripper girlfriend with him on a business trip – I had absolutely no knowledge of, no gut instinct, no suspicion, nothing. That makes me feel like a damn fool. That’s worse IMO than ignoring signs I should have been paying attention to.

My first red flag came as we were organising our wedding (believe it or not). I found a risque email seeking some female company. When I challenged him, he explained it away as a joke brought on by the stress of wedding planning. Stupidly, I believed him and the wedding went ahead.

There followed the odd marital discussion about how I didn’t like him looking at porn on the PC. Each time, I thought he stopped using it (I guess he just got smarter about clearing caches and flying under the radar, with the odd small slip).

Then the first big discovery – sex chats on Messenger. He agreed to couples counselling and went through all the motions. Again, stupidly, I believed him. By this time we had a son, so I think I heard and saw what I wanted to hear and see.

Now, here we are again. Three years later. Same old sh*t. Looks like he barely took a few months off after the couples counselling (if he stopped at all) from what I’ve found so far. He just changed his email adress and used in cognito browsing.

I should have guessed about his alternative interests from his general lack of engagement in any family activities and lack of physical contact with me, but I just put that down to him being a self-absorbed passive-aggressive.

The minute I found this latest batch, I confronted him. It’s only now that I realise that his behaviour is an addiction / compulsive. I wish I’d been more patient and gathered more evidence (though I did manage to save plenty on to a USB, which I’ll be passing to my lawyer if he gets difficult about the separation / custody). At the moment I am left wondering how far it went. I wish I’d held it together long enough to get a key logger installed while he was still using the family PC for his SA activities (ho hum, the benefits of hindsight).

On the previous occasions the red flags of SA were there, but I heard what I wanted to hear instead of trusting my gut, which was telling me something was wrong. I let my SAH make excuses rather than pressing for answers, which might have revealed the addiction before now.

I forgive myself for that faith.

One of my favorite quotes on SOS so far. Thanks, March. That’s profound.

Funny, how timely this is. I was just thinking about the signs I missed along the way w exsah today.

I am not even going to describe the red flags I was given, because they were so obviously abnormal, I almost feel like i have no business complaining about where I am at today.

We met when I was 27. And while we think we know it all then, I knew so little about life as I do now. Just time and age and experience alone. I was not serious about him at first. I felt he was a little to off the beaten the track, for me. red flags were there. but then, the relationship somehow grew more serious. I was in marriage mode, wanted to be married, so badly before 30. I overlooked much, in hopes of finding a husband. i got one alright. what a pick. at least he was good looking. that’s about it. oh, to be young and vain again!!

i often wonder about the timing of D day’s in our lives. Why then, why that moment? why not earlier? Mine happened year 9. I truly feel like some kind of cycle was ending, and a new one beginning. But it was long time to be living in the dark. he always had an answer, so convicing. like March said, who would even dream up the stuff they were doing?
I mean, gee he’s a little late. wonder if he’s with a hooker right now? prior to D Day – that did NOT cross my mind. my life was simple then.

What a great brother! I love him.

You are so lucky to have a sister like that. My sister continues to call me every day, she is crazy busy at work and she makes the time. It amazes me that she still checks on me.

Ok I have a lot of red flags. All which were shot down by h. But this one in particular gets me, and after all the confessions, he still denies it.

We went to a department xmas party. about 30 people. My h was head of the department. when the check came everyone passed their money. we were the last in line. Everyone paid cash except us. the cash was $250 short. People (jerks from work) were sitting high on their tailbones trying to look at peter and I. so odd, it still makes me sick. They were snirking at us.
My dumb ass h tells her to put the balance on our card!!!!! everyone else paid cash – we were the only ones to use a card, so our payment was obvious. And he picked up the bill. We were so fricken broke at the time. I was furious when we left. that was a fortune to us back then. 5 little kids and christmas! I had worked so hard to make christmas special without spending a lot of money. And he just gave it away for no good reason!

fast forward 15 years. He has had at least 2 affairs that I know of at that company. I think they were gearing up to blackmail him. He still says I am crazy, there was nothing to it, and he picked up the bill cause he was the boss. A really broke boss.
I will go to my grave believing something funky was going on that night. And I hate all of them. (2 “old work friends” sat with us at vball game tonight – it boiled it all up for me again)

Makes me wonder what will churn up once word gets out that we are separated.

OK – here’s my first glimpse of something wrong….I’ll never forget it. We were in Scotland a few years after we were married. No kids. I was using his laptop as I left mine back in the States. I get terrible jetlag and was up really late. I opened up an email (not snooping) for some reason and found a poem entitled “Upon my face”. It was a “love poem” from a secretary at his work. I’ll never forget the feeling of resignation that I got. OK Deb – your marriage is over. You’ll be fine, etc. I went upstairs to wake him up and ask him about it. He just laughed and told me that this secretary was obsessed with him and he didn’t know what to do about it. He was soooo convincing. I was so gullible. He is very good at spinning the truth.

I wish that I would have gotten out of the marriage at that time. It was so obvious but I bought his drivel…nothing after that for 20 years and yoganana (except the regular $300 ATM withdrawals for “coffee”).

I also remember when he had an assignment in London – and I insisted that we move there as a family for the summer. He was very upset about it. I’m sure that we were too close for comfort (I found out he had a favorite London hooker).

Deb