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Lynn, he may be harmless, as Kelly said. But even so, I’m sorry but he sounds like a doofus. Just not good enough for you. And by the way, the other day I was looking in the photo section, which I hadn’t looked at in ages, and saw your paintings. They’re absolutely beautiful. An artist like you doesn’t need someone like mr. black hot woman coffee man or whatever his shtick was. xoxo
Lynn, you are so beautiful, talented, and strong. Everyone raises fair points. However, even if he is harmless in comparison to a SA, do you think you could endure constantly being triggered by his words? Because it sounds like it was indeed causing you harm — you said you were physically sick.
Thank you all for such kind comments. Guess you can imagine I don’t feel I live up to them, but I know I can trust you all and that’s comforting and a little humbling.
I doubt there will ever be THE one again (well there really never was so again is wrong there), this was just my attempt to dip my toe back in the ocean of relating to men. Test the waters. Swimming is out of the question. I’m learning a lot, not the least of which is I’m triggered a LOT more around a man. Just the presence of a man with his attention on me makes my nerves jangle.
Secondly, in public nobody seems to notice those trigger moments when I see white and my blood pressure shoots up and my breathing stops. Which means my poker face and/or coping skills are getting better.
There were always a lot of dichotomies in life, but I was never one of them – to myself. How is it possible to feel 100x more vulnerable and 100x harder at the same time? I know me and what I need so much better, but the wound/scar created and exposed uncharted territory.
This is such a world of XYmorons.
🙁
I wonder that about every man I see now, and then I feel guilty.
WTF is this about? I have survivor guilt re: those mutilated women I saw, guilt about my new suspiciousness of strangers, guilt over letting my son love someone so hideous, guilt that we’re financially in a hole, guilt that I can’t find a job even though I’m qualified. Guilt that I sleep almost whole days sometimes when I’m triggered, still after 15 months apart. Guilt that this is my fourth divorce, what the hell is wrong with me, it’s GOT to be me. All the counselors say I’m okay, but who does that? And then there’s the whole issue of my 17yr old saying she never felt loved and is happier and mentally more stable anywhere but home. Talk about guilt.
Guilt, guilt, guilt. And then I tell myself it’s not my fault, and clean up the mess I threw at myself (and feel guilty for abusing a wounded woman), but really? This is my life? SJ says he’s better than ever, like a lot of them do. Geez. Sometimes I wish you could take a denial pill, really. I would feel exonerated then.
Sorry, Junie, it’s not you, I didn’t sleep well for the past several days.
They all think they aren’t to blame, it’s all us. Sorry you aren’t sleeping Lynn. I hope I didn’t upset you. Is there any way to get in some exercise? I find it’s been helping me sleep better. That and a hot bath while listening to music I like along with a stiff drink. I know all too well about the guilt. Please try not to do that to yourself. It’s so self destructive. I have managed to let go of much of that, finally. Just hang in there. It’s not your fault, we just can’t believe people can be so evil, because we are not.
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