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Let’s just recap “blaming”
1. Our SA/compulsives/PDh’s want us to take some/half of the blame. They look for any pathetic excuses for their infidelity–we neglected them while we had cancer, we didn’t have the right pubic hair style, we didn’t clean the house exactly to their specifications (like they know how to clean a house), etc.
2. Religious leaders/clergy won’t listen to our experience and blame us because we won’t forgive “on tap” and “put it all behind us” and “get over it” and trust our partners again.
3. The non-CSATs who do marriage counseling want us to take some/half/most/ of the blame for the marriage “problem”.
4.The CSATs believe we “secretly know” what we don’t know, and actively enable the addicition/compulsion, are sicker than the addict/compulsive, and therefore must take some/half/most of the blame for it.I think we need some simple, clear, compelling responses—and one liners to help us when we encounter this.
How about:
1. Active listening: Repeat the ridiculous suggestion you have heard about yourself, and ask “is this what you mean to suggest….”
2. Why do you need to assign blame to me?any other suggestions?
diane – the 100% his fault thing I got out of that intensive is all I can think about. It is the most logical, obvious explanation I have heard. It makes me feel like I am starting to swim to the surface.
Taking part of the blame for marital problems is one thing. Taking any blame for a spouse’s infidelity is a whole different ballgame.
I will not take on ounce of blame because he fucked whores. If my marriage ever gets to the stage that house cleaning or pubic hairs are the issue then I will uncork the champagne , hire a maid , and go get a wax!
I’m not holding my breath:)Great image–swimming to the surface. I totally get that feeling.
So maybe that’s a piece of our “Manifesto on Blame”The infidelity, lying, sexting, fucking the mannies, trannies, grannies and fannies, online chatting, phone sex, flirting, hooker activities, porn from every source, exhibitionism, voyeurism etc is 100% his responsibility. He did it. It’s his fault for bringing this into the relationship.
Mannies, trannies, grannies and fannies………
That made me laugh out loud, thanks, I needed that….. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH to funny…….
On a serious note Diane, I love how you recap things and put it a format that is so understanding for me. You have a wonderful way with words.
Thank you!!!!
“It wasn’t my penis I stuck in those 600+ women for 25 yrs. Last I knew it was attached to your body, not mine!”
I’m not even taking part of the blame for marriage problems. I worked my ass off for 11 years in counseling while he lied his ass off the entire time.
Im with you Teri–how can we ever separate out the “normal” stuff from the SA related issues? The fallout effects seem so widespread. And it seems to me that most of us err in the direction of taking on TOO MUCH responsibility. Time to hand their mess back to them!
I second Teri and Bonnie,,,they take it all they take all the blame and the shame for everything went wrong in our lives,,,with their addiciton they were brining it home even when we did not know about it,,,and they are ugly bastards to even have the nerves to say we did anything wrong ,,,absoultely not I told my SAH,DAH what ever you want to call him,, he is to be blamed 100% for everything and I would not even negotiate with him about anything or start to look into the possibility of reparing this fucked up relationship until he admitted at least to my face that it is his doing, all of it from the first moment we said we DO,,for years I heard so much about what i was doing wrong,I was not good enough wife i was not good enough woman,,he dared even to tell me I was not good enough mother,and I took for long time but now I had enough of all that abuse,,I had enough of the manipulation,,gas lighting,,
they are trying to hide their shameful acts behind the blame game no way,,,no one here should ever take any part in that game,,the blame game, no to any of it to all of it ,,,that is what you should say, we are not responsible for anything,,,we all were more than perfect wives,,partners mothers in those relationships and for many many years of abuse we put up with ( as I am sure with their fucked up mind,body and heart,,they brought us nothing but illness, and bad ones for that they brought us sadness,anger and even myabe STD
I had enough of all this and no way on earth I will take any more of that blame and no one else here should ever do that.
To CSATs:
“What part of ‘being thrown into a devastating life crisis by something he did all on his own’ do you not get? Do you also tell battered wives to look at how they contributed to his abuse? Did you get your degree from Clown College?”I refused to listen, validate or accept anything he said if he used the words “but”, “but we” or “but you”. He could compartmentalize his behavior as not having anything to do with us or our marriage when he was “acting out” (sorry) but the compartments went away when faced with separation and divorce. Then it was all cause and affect and everything was somehow suddenly magically interrelated.
How could I have contributed to the problems in our marriage when it was, in fact, never a marriage?
March
I have a long list of reasons why I decided I could not stay with him any more. I still go through periods of torturing myself about wether I did all I could to save the marriage, if I worked hard enough, was I fair to him, did I give him enough time and patience. Then I look at my list and the first item on my list is that the marriage would not have happened if I had known the truth. It helps me stop beating myself up. It was all based on a huge lie and was in reality not an agreement made between two consenting adults.
I hate all of this.
EllenEllen, I hear you- we were defrauded into giving up big chunks of our lives and into giving our kids defective dads. I still say we all deserve annulments.
That’s one thing I’m really looking forward to in my SAH’s formal disclosure…..when did it all start? Also – what was he up to during the 10 years prior to us having kids?
Unfortunately deb it all started before he knew you.
After our d day, in the first 4-6 months he found something to point his finger at for every indiscretion. Then he finally admitted to the first affair being 3 weeks after we were married, which I now actually think started before our wedding – pretty sure, ouch.Ellen – when ever he says “part of”…the problem, the reason I know bullshit reasoning is upon me. He actually uses “part of” the word compartmentalizing!
Yeah, Heidi, I know…..he admits to masturbating on golf courses when he was young. His latest obsession (probably takes the place of affairs right now) is not surprisingly golf. He would play it every day if he could. He saw a psychiatrist last week who told him that’s part of his soothing ritual (what he did to get out of his unsafe house as a child).
I’m enjoying him figuring this whole thing out – it feels good to have the blame taken off me – whew! Even though I knew it wasn’t me, it feels even better for him to say it out loud.
Maybe it’s not too late for him to become a golf pro – or maybe he’ll meet his next affair partner on the golf course like yours Heidi……
I hope all is well with you. Did you talk to your SAH about 5 days with Dr. Minwalla in July?
Deb
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