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As we continue to discuss the split, Stxh said he is very concerned that without financial discipline that he will be off to the races and make really bad decisions. He has asked for me to remain financial controller. Which I am technically now, but to do that for a period of time, at least until I am bought out.
This guy is F’cked up. But he knows it. And if I step out of picture completely, I fear trouble in mortgage payments, alimony, all of it. If he is willing to still name me controller, I am strongly considering that.
It doesn’t take much time. I did it for the business for years. plus looks great on a resume if ever needed. and it “reduces harm” for the addict to have full access and me and daughter get screwed.
see any caviats here? why might not be good? I can just network in to home office from apt (if i do go, and not stay in home) and move money around where it needs to go.
He needs a money manager. I don’t trust anyone else excpet for me. This way I could have control over mortgage pmt on time, and me and jacqleen getting money too.
what do you think?
Pam
Is the business incorporated? Are you personally protected from any liability? Is there an independent auditor? Be sure that you are covered, that there is documentation of all transactions and that things can’t “disappear” and somehow come back to haunt you. If you are controller will you have sole access and accountability for everything?
EllenI wouldn’t want any unnecessary ties to an ex other than absolutely necessary but that’s just me. Any chance you could refinance with your payout?
I’m in the for now camp. Not to be tied to him in any way shape or form, otherwise you will be divorced and you will still be miserable. It’s time he puts his big boy pants on and learnd how to do it himself or hire a book keeper. The courts will hold him responsible for the divorce obligations. I really think after all you have been through with this guy you need a clean break. Plus you can’t trust him!!! Go and be free like the wind. Plus Ellen makes some great points. My vote is no attachment of any kind. He’ll just use and abuse you.
Love, Nap
I understand your thoughts and feelings Pam.
I think I am voting no. These guys will use anything to work you over, even if it hurts your daughter, and ultimately him.
It’s about control.I agree that it’s important to have as little contact as possible with an ex. Problem is, she has to remain friendly to him because they share a child and he has rights to see his child.
It is very easy, though, to do the bookkeeping virtually. You can have the mail sent to a P.O. Box, pick it up daily, post transactions, pay vendors, and key in invoices after the fact, if he handwrites them, to keep the A/R current. You can deposit checks if you have a business stamp for endorsements, and easily print financial statements and cash flow reports to stay on top of things, all from home. Anything that you don’t have can be faxed, emailed, or even snail mailed to the P.O. Box so that you have little to no contact with him. It can be done, I used to be a work from home bookkeeper. Best job I ever had!
Much love, Claire
Thank you all for your valuable input. will consider all. yes the business is a corporation and I am protected from liability. I can do the job virtually, and do not have to go on site.
I hear you on the control and making my life miserable. but I would be handing my control of the business to an addict if I just “sign off”. It is my business also. And it is not a worthless endeavor. It is profitable.
got to think about it. talking to more attorney’s this week. I mean. also it may be possible to have our accountant do it. we’ll see. thank you again all.
I am in a similar position Pam and before I read everyones replies, my thoughts were that it was a good idea. hmmm. I have my own LLC and I put my h on for 9% ownership. I thought it would be ok to leave it that way and “pay” his portion towards college tuition. shit, even the best laid plans can get messed up. I don’t know, I still think having control of finances is better than waiting to be screwed over.
~go with what ever the lawyer says.I am conflicted about this Pam, but I can see both sides. On the one hand, they NEVER do ANYTHING without a motive, so it is probably more about controlling you than his belief that he cannot manage the money? Now with that in mind, I also see where you are coming from because I made a similar decision myself. I also was really afraid how my H would cope working OR financially if I completely severed him. I dabbled in it for awhile and he wasn’t doing well. I didn’t find, constantly feeling sick with worry about my financial security, very liberating. I always had a knot in my stomach wondering what he was up to. In my current situation, I know what he is doing and I know where the money is going. He has finally settled down and is looking seriously at retirement and is now managing and trying to save. He is living in a high paying location fulltime in order to maximize his pension as quickly as possible. I support him to do this and I have control of all credit cards and we have joint accounts. I have a claim to his pension and he has a large insurance policy signed to me. I want all these things in place because I need them. For me, it is easier to put up with him in the short term, for long term gain..but of course I don’t live with him. I thought long and hard about this and in the end I settled for money because everything else seemed like too much of a bird in the bush for me. I feel relatively free to live my life and hope to be able to continue to in my “golden years”. Oh, yes….I am working on a property too. I didn’t have a home to go to. You are in a very tricky situation because you have a young child with him. As my therapist in Singapore told me…”no contact is not an option for you because u have a sick child together, so u will have to have contact as you need him.” She was actually the first one to put the idea in my head of using what he is to my own benefit. She said these guys are easy to play once u know how they tick and to a certain extent that is true. They always operate from a point of view of “What’s in it for me?”, so u just have to be able to exploit that. I am NOT saying it is better than a clean break. It probably isn’t? But it seems that a clean break is difficicult when there is a young child and u need some money from him. I don’t understand about the business aspects as some of the other ladies do, but I understand you have to protect yourself on ALL fronts. If he REALLY derails there isn’t much you can do. Just the same….it is possible that once u are OUT of the house and out of his power…he may give up and turn his interests to other victims? This does happen. In that case, he may be happy to be congenial about the child and perhaps even with finances. This is an optimisitic viewpoint for me, but they need supply and they can move onto another partner quickly. If that happens…it is win win for you, Pam. I would try to get EVERYTHING I could out fo him, while he is still afraid of losing you. You will have to talk to lawyers to see what your best options are in this respect. I see a share of a business as more of an option than a house because a house does not pay out and can drop in value. I don’t know all the ins and outs of your situation so I cannot advise that way but I certainly see where you are coming from. I also see where the others are coming from. They don’t trust his motives and neither do I…not at all. You KNOW what he is up to and so do we. The only question is how to play it to your advantage and that is a tough question. I suppose you could try it and terminate it if was becoming a nightmare. Karen x
I just want to add one thing Pam. IF you find yourself unable to discern his motives as in you find he confuses you and makes you doubt yourself…then you have to be very careful? Without a clear idea of what they are and what they are about…you can still become entangled in the web and no amount of money is worth going back down the rabbit hole? Your husband is highly volatile and abusive. You have to weigh every decison carefully. If you can keep things congenial all the better and then pray to God he takes up with someone or something else sooner rather than later because then he may lose interest in tormenting you. I hope that will be the case. karen x
You are all by far, so wise and helpful. Thank you Thank you.
Attorney says it FAR remains in my interest to control money, and have my share of ownership. Over the long haul, it may even pay me more than expected. Lots of positive options. More than the negative. And honestly it greatly REDUCES my anxiety, to be in a position of control re: cash flow of business. I feel it puts me and daughter first. If it is left to his discretion? you know what comes first. And it aint’ us. He is not in control of himself. I will end up screwed FOR SURE.
He actually said his anxiety goes down also. And it will help “starve the monkey”. With little to no access to money. With me out of the house, it will be far less susceptable to manipulation. All business accounts will remain in my name. He remains majority shareholder. 51% to my 49%. Plus I helped build this business. I would prefer to have a hand in it still. See it grow, from a financial perspective. If I can manage it.
If not, I will have to delegate an offsite accounting person to do it. But I am the best person to remain in charge.
I can always quit ladies. I don’t have to do it. But I want to. Cuz it’s my business and money too. Plus it keeps any ho or other parties from taking MY money. That I built over the years. I put more at risk by not being part of it.
Pam
Can you offer to do it for an additional 2% of the stock so you become the majority shareholder?Ellen
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