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I have felt the need to pick this book up again. After I read it the first time, I couldn’t read it again. I was so validated and horrified at the same time. But it just seemed time to do it again, and I’m very glad I did. It’s like I’m reading it again for the first time, but this time there’s more because I’m further along the road with this whole thing. And I am finding it is very healing and has been a catalyst for some new insights, revelations and self-understanding.
The story on pg 84 and 85 is like something I could have written. Much of it still applies, but I do feel I’ve made some progress. That was encouraging because some days I just don’t know if I’m making myself worse every time I think about it. But with this second read through there seems to be some shifting happening. I’m beginning to sense what I need and what I don’t need in life, and what I probably can never expect of myself again.pixie dust
Diane.I didn’t make it very far in that book. It really pisses me off that some men can admit the pain that they have caused. It makes me mad for some women to have men that disclose what they have done. My H wil never admit everything and he will ever admit that I have a reason to be angry more than 5 minutes or let me express it. Sorry ladies I am jealous and bitter.
Thanks for the reminder, Diane. I hadn’t read it since two years ago, when I thought I was dealing with ‘just porn,’ so a lot of it didn’t seem to apply. Little did I know. Your post is inspiring me to pick it up again. Would make a lot more sense now. I’m glad it’s helping you now. Big hugs xoxo
Why do these men push you to the breaking point and then act all nice? They are like kids testing boundaries.
To the sister above.. sorry, your name isn’t showing up for some reason.. I got what they call the torture method of drip-by-drip disclosure, with each revelation feeling like an electric shock. Even when he wrote out a formal disclosure, it didn’t really make any difference by then. The little details, the things that don’t show up in a disclosure, they tortured me incessantly for a long time. Now after two years I think I’ve just gone comfortably numb. So don’t be jealous. It all is a punch to the gut no matter what. Hang in there. xoxo
Hi there, deleted user, your avatar says you are actually ‘sick of trying’!
anyway, we all have jealous and bitter times for different reasons. It stinks to be in this story at all.
And also, PTSD makes it very hard to concentrate and a book requires that. I couldnt’ read anything for ages.
Sometimes, when I’ve had a particularly bad day, I just tell myself that I won’t have one as bad as that again for a while. Keep going. It’s the only way out.
giving your hand a squeeze, sister.
D.Anniem, I can totally relate to the torture of a leaky disclosure. My husband was caught in bed with “my friend” by her daughter. Afterwards, he proceeded to lie to my face for the next six months in an attempt to cover it all up. He actually got down on his hands and knees and took both my hands and swore that it was just one time and that they never had sex. Of course the truth was worse than anything I could ever have imagined. But I think the deception after the fact was almost worse than all his cheating. It is still hard for me to process how easy it was for him to tell so many lies.
Damn, Amylynne.. That is beyond horrible. And it’s so weird how they manage to look deep into our eyes while they’re lying their asses off, but otherwise (at least, in my SA’s case) getting him to focus on me in a genuine way was like pulling teeth. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. It’s horrible enough when the skank partners are strangers, but when it’s a friend, it adds a whole other level of horribleness. xoxo
Deleted user, I had a hard time when I read Barbara’s book, too. I found it sugar-coated the reaction of the SA’s. It’s like they all come clean and get help (at least that’s my recollection). None of the SA’s acted like dr. e. None of them lied about recovery, acted like nothing had happened/they’d done nothing wrong, threatened to kidnap the kids, etc. So I think I get what you are saying.
Diane,
I’m glad to hear that you are feeling some shifting and healing and that reading that book wasn’t too swampy for you. What did you find particularly helpful?Hi Teri it is me SOT. I tried to put up a picture but it didn’t let me, so I just deleted the couch. Got tired of looking at it.
Hi SOT, I change my avatar regularly. I get tired of it too.
HI Teri,
I mentioned pg 84-5 being really important because that’s how I felt for most of the last two or three years. And I think I just read over it the first time through because I was still so raw and the longer term malaise hadn’t set in. It helps to see it and know I’m not “failing” recovery.Also I’m reading the principles section that follows that. I think it’s really good for understanding longer term issues, and the importance of having a self-soothing “liturgy” set up and ready to roll.
What I”m perceiving now is the long term nature of PTSD and how there will be other life changes that may have to happen in order to cope. For example, I don’t think I can ever do ministry again. I don’t think I have the resilience anymore. I need to it all just to keep going myself. I thought I just didn’t WANT to do it anymore, but I think I was protecting myself from facing the bigger truth and the grief associated with it—-I CAN’T do it anymore.
NOw, as I reflect on my first year after leaving ministry and working away on this business, I’m not sure if I can do that either. I hit the ground running and had steady clients up to the summer no problem. And now a few are surfacing for the fall. But many of them are churches. I’m not sure I can actually do it anymore.
I had a really difficult client last fall, and completed the job but it was really awful because the congregation revealed itself to be deeply conflicted over many things, and I became the scapegoat for one group who I would not allow to control my project. They were really pissed because as it turned out they were trying to get rid of the minister. It ended up going to a Commission of the Presbytery, and the outcome was basically that what I said in my report was solid, reflected the surveys, and my recommendations were correct, and that if they had just done them they wouldn’t be in this mess. But meanwhile, it’s now August and I’ve endured nearly 9 months with that mess hanging over my head. So I’m looking at the big question of what my work really can be, now, as I live into my future with PTSD in my life.
I re-read the book too Diane, about 6-8 months after DDay. It was interesting how many things resonated with me that I totally missed the first time I read it, right after DDay. I think in many ways, like you, I was just too raw to really take it in. I was just looking for answers to “save” the marriage the first time I read it. I basically wanted a recipe! The second time through was much more insightful for me.
I tried to start rereading it but I didn’t finish. I think I am on Teri’s page. The book tends to not only assume that the SA seeks help immediately and honestly, it assumes that we all agree that a diagnoses of SA means that the cheating is explained away.
I should probably try it again. I’m pretty sure that I am reading it with a bad attitude. It would be so much easier for me if I could believe in an actual disease that involved screwing hookers…… 🙂
You are too much Teri.
I will read pages 84 & 85 to see if it helps me also Diane. I might have a problem with PTSD or am screwed in some other way. I have bought about 20 recommended books on here (sheep’s clothing, B Stephens, Gas light affect, Boundaries, Betrayl’s bonds etc) and I just can’t seem to focus and finish any of them. The implied or suggestions on how to make things better leave me pissed off.
SOT, do you ever read Chump Lady’s website? I think you might like her 🙂
What you guys said about not being able to read a book anymore.. that’s happened to me too. I’ve gone from devouring news sites and reading psychological suspense novels to reading celebrity tabloid shit. I’m ashamed of myself actually. This was never me in the past. I don’t know if I can blame it on PTSD or if it’s just increasing mental laziness on my part, but in my quest to simplify things I seem to have evacuated my brain. xoxo
I have that problem, Annie. My thoughts cannot organize unless it has to do with “the crisis”. It’s like my brain has a filter. Anything other than trauma, divorce, survival is pretty much superfluous, and it just bounces right off my brain.
Diane, Thanks I marked that section in my book to take a look. I glanced.
Principle 3 about changing our feelings rather than our unhealthy circumstances, fuels a sense of powerless that often leads to PTSD really stood out to me for a number of reasons. Goodness knows I have tried to change my feelings, but that just does not happen. One of our marriage counselors even told me that’s what I needed to do.
Anyway, changing the unhealthy circumstances- if only the courts were more helpful with that…
I can read entertaining books like james patterson. Books that I want to learn something from forget it.
Diane, I went back and read the pages you mentioned. I have a section on page 85 underlined AND starred. 🙂 About how taking control of our lives can cut down on PTSD; that it is the sense of lack of control that often leads to feelings of despair as well as PTSD. I think that is why we emphasize no contact so much. It is one thing that almost instantly gives us control back over our minds and bodies as well as our environments. When we don’t have to deal with the SA we can make our own decisions, clear our minds and focus on ourselves without having to try to filter out the blame shifting, gas lighting, lying, etc.
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