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I resent that he doesn’t show more interest in RJ, Brett and Jordan’s lives
I resent all the dozens f lies, actions, betrayals and efforts to hide his behavior.
I resent that he lies to me about how he feels
I resent him because due to him, I avoided Stephenie.
I resent him for acting on thoughts with no concern for me or my feelings.
I resent him for acting on impulse and taking the selfish action of asking for a divorce, knowing how negatively it would affect me
I resent him for treating me, sexually, with disregard and disrespect.
I resent him for making assumptions about me; judging me by them; and reacting to them.
I resent that he favors Madelaine.
I resent all the time and money that goes into treating this.
I resent that he has rejected me while choosing other sexual outlets.
I resent that he would expect me to share the blame in any part of his sex addiction or supporting others who think I should burden any of the blame.
Great list Kim. How about “I resent that I have grounds to be resentful”?
“I resent that he would expect me to share the blame in any part of his sex addiction or supporting others who think I should burden any of the blame.”
Yes! I would just add to “sex addiction”–all of the accompanying divisive behaviors that support it and spring forth from it. (who of us even knows what they are, since this is so insidous and colors EVERY interaction with them.)I resent that I can’t look at bras at the store without getting sad. I resent that every silver Honda on the road triggers me. I resent the people he works with who knew and never said anything, who just smiled at me on the company trip to Beaver Creek Co., and at the spring picnic. I resent the fact that his family STILL thinks he hung the moon–and that he rescued me and my three children from single parenthood. I resent that he ruined:
when I had my first book published
my birthday
Christmas
our anniversary
Valentine’s Day
when I had my second book published
my readings in New York
my readings in Atlanta
Georgia’s high school graduation
my recent trip to Denver
my own upcoming graduationI resent that I can’t look at family pictures with fond memories. I resent that I don’t see the same woman in the mirror any more. I resent it that every time I see a man sitting in the car in a parking lot, talking on his cell phone, I think the worst of him. I resent the fact that I get creeped out when men look at me, because I know that SAs can fantasize about anything with a hole in it. I resent his hair in the sink, his socks on the floor, his crumbs on the kitchen counter. I resent the air he breathes.
Uh, I resent the fact that I just hijacked Kim’s post, and IT IS HIS FAULT.
Dear March…I think you are going somewhere with all of this completely removing the old rose colored glasses.
Dear Nap…aint that the truth!
Kim…that is a good start but are you finding it helpful and who is this for? His lady therapist?
I resent that I have to explain and justify my feelings of devastation from learning of 30 years of his lies, betrayals, secret criticism, infideilty, etc.
I resent that this therapist can’t connect the dots between his abusive behaviour and how it makes me feel.
I resent that the tradition of therapy abuses the partner because it just can’t face the consequences of his behaviour.
Yes… his therapist. I think if there were things on there that he didn’t know about… I’d find it more usefull. But there is no big secret. The prpose is to find a way to put resentments aside.
Creating a list of resentments I have that have stemmed from this (like March) would be alot longer, less clinical and emtionally difficult to write. I cried reading her list and I’d have to take a lot of emotional breaks in order to ever complete mine.
Why should they make ANY effort when they have us doing all the f–king effort for them?? Gawd. I am so glad I didn’t get on the recovery train or I would be COMPLETELY INSANE… now instead of half insane.
I resent the manipulation
how he made me feel like I was the source of all that ailed us
that the issues with our sex life was bc I never gave it to him enough, or when he was getting it 3 times a week with two kids under the age of 5 that I wasnt into it enough
I resent that he let me have my ‘holiday freak out’ for years, because I was essentially a single parent, working full time, paying the bills, doing the laundary, grocery shopping, planning the bday parties, the christmas parties……. All while buying his lie that he had no spare moment in the day – ‘he was doing all that he could and couldn’t do anymore’. he worked so very hard all day, helped with the kids for about 2 hours at night, and worked from the time they went to bed until I did. While all the time I had not idea he was spending hours of his day looking at porn, sexting and masterbating.
And most especially I resent how he used my past against me, making me feel I was the reason he felt inadequate as a man or lover, or how he used the fact that I had issues with sex due to being molested against me. He knew I carried the guilt of not really enjoying sex and would do all I could to make our sex life better. Well now I know I didnt enjoy it bc I felt I was being violated every time we had sex, because he was objectifying me, it had nothing to do with intimacyI think he is going to be really sorry he wanted to ‘get disclosure over with’. I have a lot of anger stored up and am ready to let it fly
I resent the manipulation
how he made me feel like I was the source of all that ailed us
that the issues with our sex life was bc I never gave it to him enough, or when he was getting it 3 times a week with two kids under the age of 5 that I wasnt into it enough
I resent that he let me have my ‘holiday freak out’ for years, because I was essentially a single parent, working full time, paying the bills, doing the laundary, grocery shopping, planning the bday parties, the christmas parties……. All while buying his lie that he had no spare moment in the day – ‘he was doing all that he could and couldn’t do anymore’. he worked so very hard all day, helped with the kids for about 2 hours at night, and worked from the time they went to bed until I did. While all the time I had not idea he was spending hours of his day looking at porn, sexting and masterbating.
And most especially I resent how he used my past against me, making me feel I was the reason he felt inadequate as a man or lover, or how he used the fact that I had issues with sex due to being molested against me. He knew I carried the guilt of not really enjoying sex and would do all I could to make our sex life better. Well now I know I didnt enjoy it bc I felt I was being violated every time we had sex, because he was objectifying me, it had nothing to do with intimacyI think he is going to be really sorry he wanted to ‘get disclosure over with’. I have a lot of anger stored up and am ready to let it fly
Nap,
Some of us never get to go to the ball.
I did and guess what? THE SLIPPER FITS!!
Secret? I set myself free!!
And, it’s there for the taking- for anyone who wants it.
I resent the fact that I don’t love him anymore. I actually enjoyed loving my husband ( call me crazy)!
I resent the fact that my life has been turned into one big therapy session.
I resent the fact that he can get up, take shower and go to work and I can barely drag myself to the coffee pot and stumble to my patio.
I resent the fact that he has undermined my sexuality.
I resent the fact that he could fuck a hooker and walk in the door and hug my children.
I resent the fact that he spent enough money on hookers and phone sex to put both of my kids thru 4 years of a private college.
I resent the fact that he has made me feel ( yes, dammit, I said it ” He made me feel”!!) like the stupidest person on planet Earth.
I resent the fact that everybody thinks he is such a great guy.To name just a few
I resent the fact he resents me.
I resent that he loves porn, sport, and his car more than me.
I resent how whenever he’s back deep in his addiction, he acts like I don’t exist. I literally don’t exist for him, he ignores me, is cold as stone, treats me like a nuisense, puts me last on his priority list, sighs when I contact him. He sees our relationship and me as a burden, because it conflicts with active addiction. Then will have the nerve to say, “I didn’t think I was treating you coldly, you know it wasn’t my intention”.
I resent how he treats me as disposable, just for confronting him with reality.
I resent how I have to constantly justify, prove, and remind him and his family that what he has done is very wrong and very sick. I have to prove the damn obvious ALL THE TIME!
I resent that he blamed me to everyone he knew, and before discovery would secretly bash me to them behind my back.
I resent that now my life is revolved around this addiction. I have lost the person I was born to be. I struggle even to remember my fave hobbies/interests and fave movies from pre-discovery. The person who I was, she has died.
I resent his enabling mother who is in massive denial. I resent his enabling father. I resent his parents for leaving their porn magazines around the house for their 7 year old son and 1 year old daughter to both find. I resent their fucked up family and their bullshit secrets.
I resent inept therapists and the entire messy process. I resent he wasted 3-4 months of our money in therapy doing fake recovery. I resent that he’s had a year to prepare for full disclosure and still won’t get off his arse to complete it.
I resent how he can sleep perfectly fine at night, but I suffer constant nightmares.
I resent that he gets pleasure out of his addiction and when he “slips” up, while I get brutal hell, trauma and pain.
I resent that he can’t sustain anything or put in full effort. I resent his cowardness, lack of respect for me, his shallowness, and self-centeredness.
I resent that he doesn’t even appreciate he’s living in the apartment we had shared. I moved out and am living from a suitcase and sleeping on the floor on a mattress in my sister’s bedroom.
I resent that I lost my dream job because of all the stress and pain. I put in so much effort to get that job.
Victoria,
your list touched my core, my sacred wound, and my place of power.The person you were born to be is not so lost that she can’t be found. You have to trust me on this. I know it feels like you are just “gone”, but you can recover yourself, slowly and steadily. YOu can.
Well, actually I only know that you can if you get rid of the SA/PDh. If you stay, I have no idea.
Are you done yet?
He sounds just horrific Victoria. He sure doesn’t sound like anyone worth suffering that much for? Are any of them? NO they are not. Karen xx
Victoria, your pain and suffering touched my heart and my soul, I could have written that post, that what every woman on this site thinks, feels, that is what everyone of us has gone through,it is horrifying, but I agree with Diane, You are not dead, you are still a humanbeing, not an empty shell stuffed with dirt like your H, he is the one who is dead, but you are a humanbeing who is suffering right now, but sooner or later that suffering will end, nothing last for ever, and I hope you will emerge from all these painful experiences more strong and beautiful than ever, remember life, beauty and light always prevail over darkness and ugliness.
Victoria–like Diane,Karen and Harmony, your post really touched me. I live with the same self centered, blaming, cold, cruel and callous guy. He just has a different face and name. Sometimes he pretends to be kind and loving, but it is just a tool he uses to extract things from me–love, attention, validation. I believe he is sick and suffering. But he is choosing to stay sick and suffering, rather than to open to me, and open to fighting his addiction full force. He has a toe in the recovery waters and is terrified to dive in, so he behaves like a caged animal, attacking and then fleeing.
I resent that I am the only one who cares about my marriage. And I resent that I was strung along enough to make me care….
Karen said your SA didnt sound worth all that suffering and asked if any of them are. She answered “No they are not”. Im agreeing!I’m so grateful for your replies, thank you. It’s profoundly comforting to know women here understand my deep pain and suffering. Very sad too, that we need to even be here and have all been through this hell.
Diane and Karen, I would say I’m more done than I have been feeling in the past, at least that’s some definite progress for me. I do look forward to when enough is enough for me. For me and my SA, so many screwed up things have occured in the past 14 months, so I feel once we’ve tried everything then I will be able to finally give up. I will know in my soul that I did everything possible to try heal my relationship. No, they are not worth our suffering. I wish the emotional attachtment/bond wasn’t still there – it would make it so much easier to let go.
Harmony, “life, beauty and light always prevail over darkness and ugliness”, that is so true. I need to keep that in the front of my mind because it’s so easy for me to get sucked into the dark sex addiction insanity vortex, where I feel so disempowered, suffocated and beaten as a human being and woman.
Bonnie, my love to you, I’m so sorry our addicts appear to be twins. It’s the emotional abuse and severe neglect that has truly pulverized the final strength that I had left. It’s cruelty, cold inhumane cruelty. We are worth more than this. It infuriates me that he is this type of person – not in my wildest nightmares did my partner ever resemeble anything like this before I discovered his addiction. He was the complete opposite – caring, warm, my hero. So even though I understand all about his addiction now and the facade of the past, I still feel shock that this stone cold ice runs through his veins.
Victoria
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