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Hello All
I hope everyone had a great wknd, or as great as can be anyhow. This Thanksgiving, we can all for sure be thankful for our site and each other’s wisdom.
I wanted to update my sisters on something. Wanted to get thoughts. Lately I have been reconsidering whether staying is really possible for me. And plus, I got the SEXT message meant for someone, while travelling the other week. Let me know where he is at — most disappointing.
Last evening SAH came home said he wanted to talk. Said he hadn’t been honest. Had viewing porn, chat rooms (oh duh like i didn’t have a clue) wanted to go back to tighter controls. says he needs my help. He wants:
1. I have access to all checks. I have been a bit sloppy with that. safe unlocked.
2. he wants software on blackberry not just home computer, that will monitor record. Second computer (business assistant’s computer) will have a password known by only her and me.
3. checks in mail for business, only assistant can pick up and deposit.he said controls have become laxed. “he’s not blaming me, but he needs my help and wants me to hold much tighter controls’.
said he wants no more porn access and will seek new therapistNow, I have heard this before. Tighter controls work for awhile, but the addict always manipulates. somehow someway finds a hole. Now, if I am with him time being, and want to help manage this disease, I actually think it is in my best interest to be gatekeeper. But for how long? I mean I am just not that gung ho about it, I think where there is a will there is a way. While i won’t hand him a check book, I really struggle with my level of responsibility here—as controller of the paths to acting out–
thoughts? anyone? I mean if there is any hope here, at all, the only thing I see as hope is transparancy, honesty and management of the addiction.
You’re not his mother. That is how you are being treated. Me too. I feel like I can’t imagine a day where I am not in this role while married to him. It feels like it will be a forever thing. I wish I could tell you otherwise. Because I know what a sucky position it is. To someone who is a control freak maybe it’s heaven. But to the average wife it’s a burden.
You two wonderful women have both had some low days here. It’s normal to be discouraged. And I also think it’s absolutely necessary for you to evaluate where you are in the process of recovery and rebuilding. This may be a hiccup in your journey, or it may be a critical event in your self-understanding. Only you can decide. Eyes wide open. Don’t be rash, just be honest about what you can do and what you can’t do.
As I said somewhere else, the SA isn’t the only human being in the equation. You also count. And you have limits and frailties as well. The plan has to work for you, not just them.love and light to you both,
Diane.Hi Pam,
It is a good thing he has admitted to you that he wants help in this regard, BUT from my own experience, it does make you feel like a mommy, and it can be a demeaning position to be in.Does your H belong to any support groups, or have a sponsor? Could he ask someone else to be his computer/BBerry accountability partner in monitoring? Access to cash/checks might be another matter, where you might want to tighten things a bit for your own peace of mind.
I’ve done all of those things for my H, and I think it did help him those first few months when he struggled with giving in to the impulse. I don’t like monitoring his activities though, it seems like a colossal waste of my time.
Love, LindyPam,
It looks to me like a bit of a cry for help. It’s a good thing that he wants your help, however, like Ms. Lindy said; you don’t want to be his Mommy.
I have done all those things for my H and it has been a positive experience. There are times that I feel like his Mom and not his wife, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do if you want the marriage to survive.
Put yourself in his shoes for a second. Let’s say you were an alcoholic and just starting recovery. Would it be far fetched for you to ask him to make sure there isn’t any alcohol in the house. Just because if you get really stressed out you don’t want easy access to it so you won’t be tempted.
I say – give it a try. If it doesn’t work out or makes you feel uncomfortable, then tell him it’s his problem and he has to handle it on his own.
Just my two cents!
Love, Claire
Ms lindy has an excellent idea. Have a sponsor be in charge of monitering software. My H is someone’s sponser and he handles the sponsee’s filters.
My H has net nanny in to prevent accidental images – which he claims can be triggers. He has the Password to override. This way be can go to links he knows are safe but are being blocked. And I am informed whenever he overrides a block.
“but the addict always manipulates. somehow someway finds a hole.”
a hole, indeed.
oh, if only i would sleep?
Pam, everyone has good advice. I tend to agree with Claire on this one, that it could be a positive sign. But on the other hand.. there’s always another hand!.. I guess it would depend on if you’ve been down this road with him before, gotten your hopes up, and then it turns out he has no staying power. I’ve started calling what my h does, ‘false positives,’ because I hear the same thing over and over from him, and get my hopes up.. though not quite as much as in the beginning.. but then I see his behavior towards me worsening. I would go with what makes you feel comfortable for now. He may be completely sincere, but it’s usually a case of time will tell before we know if their sincerity and motivation is going to last, and if they’re actually putting any real muscle behind it, rather than just jabbering in the moment. xoxo
thank you all Ladies for wonderful input and advice. Honestly, 24 hours later, I feel I have Deja vu. Been here before, he’s said this before, only to be followed by rage and relapse. I must say, I don’t think it is possible with him. I would like it to be– with all my heart!! I really would. But I just can’t go there, that disappointing road– annie your post pointed that so well. I think he is the latter.
I am going to offer the help he has asked for in good faith. Not, repeat, not faith in him, but in good faith in myself, that I am a loving person willing assist another person having a difficult time. I don’t want a sponser to reveiw his computer though. I don’t trust them either!! I want eblaster sending me my summaries of what he’s upto. ON computer and blackberry, plus money control. OH!!! This is going to be interesting. I can’t wait to watch him writhe. with no access. sorry, but if I am going to play nurse mother? think Kathy Bates: MISERY. 🙂
I am tired of being the good wifey. I am going to torture every short lived moment of his half assed blah blah ing. Unless of course at some point, I actually think he is serious. and not acting like an ahole. Then I will be more loving. As you all say, time will tell. In the meantime, call me Kathy.
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