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Since the SA has summer off he has more time to spend with our daughter. So we have a set schedule per our divorce temporary orders which states his visitation is two days a week; weds from 3:30 to 8:30 and Saturday from 8-8:30 alternating with the other saturday time slot of 8 to 2:30.
As we all know we try to be nice and accomadating. But of course the SA is pushing for more days, for example all day weds. But this is not part of his time, she is supposed to go to daycare on weekdays. So I feel like i am a b with and itch if i say no, but yet again he is pushing for more than what is set in the court orders. I have final say of course, if i say yes, he can… if i say no…then its no.
Does anyone else have these issues with their SA. Part of me is always ticked that he can;t just leave it be, and thinks he is always allowed to do whatever he wants, despite the arrangements. But of course it is up to me to have to enforce it. Ugh. Advice ladies? I understand that he may want to spend more time with her, but only on his terms and when he feels he has time. I like her to be at school on her set schedule, the more you mess it up, the worse it gets for her.
What do you do? or what would you do?
thanks FloraStick to your arrangements. I think it is more healthy for your’e daughter to be with him a little as possible, and the “healthy” partner (you) as much as possible.
Hi Flora,
I agree. I would stick with the court order. Otherwise, he will try to bend all the rules. Plus, it is best for your daughter to stay on her schedule. Abig thing with these guys is the rules don’t apply to them but they do. If he continues to give you greif i would have your lawyer contact his. My opinion. love, napI always have that little, well what if i were in his shoes, so i feel a little bad that he does not see her that much. But this is the new rules and he earned this less visitation based on his actions.
We are all going, me and the kids, to my mom;s and staying a few days over the weekend for my sisters wedding shower, SA misses one day.
So i feel like I owe him, but my trip was written in the agreement. But i feel like if i don’t play by exactly his rules and give him what he wants, then i will pay somehow. Plus he is already taking two days the following week for so he can take her for a few day trips to his parents beach rental cottage.But i have the trump card. I am primary custodian and i make the all final decisions in regards to visitation. Its just hard to enforce sometimes.
Thanks NAP and Sharron.
anyone else care to weigh in?P.S. the two beach days equal the one missed long saturday. So i feel the swap is fair.
The extra all day weds this week is not an equal swap, it equals more time.
Flora,
I am frustrated for you sister. These men chose to break their marriage vows, lust and masterbate to other married/non-married women. Objectivify women and use these precious, valuable people as tools to reach his internal drugs. He has not always treated your daughter with the care that he should have, if I remember your previous posts correctly.
They put us in these horrible positions!!! Enforcing anything is not my strength! We are the nice girls who just wanted a loving marriage and stable family. They destroyed that, BY CHOICE. Choosing each time they betrayed us.
Now he wants to be Mr. Dad, well he needed to be Mr. Husband and Mr. Family Man before. He blew it. He should see your daughter, but he chose this situation by what he WANTED to do previously. He should have thought of the consequences on himself and his relationship with your daughter.
As mentioned, he will try to bend and bend, like most covenant breakers. It will only get harder for you to say “no” in the future. Give an inch and they typically take a mile.
Your future with visitation may even get harder. When your daughter is old enough to browse his computer, then what??? It is so complicated, but I would do what you feel is best for YOU and your daughter. Do whatever you want. I don’t gather that this is best for you. I think you like where is your daughter is at. Your personality may be that you like set schedules and that kind of structure is usually best for children too.
If you decide to leave the arrangements as the court suggested, pray for wisdom and strength, and then practice in front of the mirror, saying what you will say to him. Maybe you are really loving him, by forcing him to follow the rules of the law, and not bending them. He bent many rules in your marriage. Maybe you are just helping him mature? Like a teen that doesn’t want to clean his room??? Or maybe it is no big deal, let him watch her and save on daycare costs? Do what you want sister, even if it is difficult! We will cheer you on.
Hugs, B. Trayed
By the way, your sense of justice is beautiful! Being so detailed to count up the days, and exchanges for days.
If only they believed in justice when were tempted or pursued their hobby? It would have changed everything. “Wait, I am a married man. This isn’t fair. She is faithful; I want to be equally faithful!”
Justice, such a beautiful quality! You are beautiful Flora.
B.Ya betrayed. It just ticks me off. To boot i am at work busting my ass as usual. WHile he wants to play good daddy all day weds and take her to the beach getting more time than he is due per week. Sometimes all of this is so frustrating and confusing i can;t see stragiht.
Plus the way he asked was this…i would like to have x all day on wednesday …can i pick her up there (meaning home) or would you like to drop her off? He is basically telling me…not asking me. The only think he is letting me decide is a. do i drop her off or b. does he pick her up. Ticks me off.
Maybe we play by flora’s new rules. Which are the court rules. And if he wants to change them, he has to do it through the court.
I like her at her school where she is safe and very happy. And its a consistent schedule of care.
Having been a step-parent and an ex-wife for 30 years. I had the good relationship with my ex and his wife and the bad one with my husbands first wife. My experience was that because my ex and I had separated our problems from our commitment to parent, we had great flexibilty in our co-parenting. He asked me to release him from the Friend of the Court child support payment process and I did with praise from the judge for our ability to be adults and a warning that if there is any problem that we would go back onto the system. We handled it all ourselves and not that it was all rosy. He paid me 44.00 a week for two children for 15 years and not a penny more for any school activity or medical, etc. He was lacking in strong parental leardership and decision making skills, spending much of his time stoned on pot. We both loved our kids and let them be free to love us both equally.
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The other situation was not easy. We had everything spelled out and we went by the book for money and time. When my stepson got older, and she was remarried with other children, she was more generous with our time with him as long as it didn’t cut into her support money. But there was never goodwill between us. She meddled all the way, reporting me for child abuse twice, letting him run the streets and not telling us about his truancy and domestic violence in her house against him. (my stepson didn’t want to tell because he was a teenager without rules and that worked for him).I think that given your situation, you nail everything down on paper and hold tight to it until he proves there is goodwill, fairplay, and safety for your daughter. As he proves he can be responsible you can be more flexible with time.
Debora
Thanks Deborah I agree. Given that we are not even divorced yet and that the report has not come back from the appointed guardian yet at this point with her findings.
I have two daughters with my first h. he has faithfully paid child support for many years, and he is in the military. So i do offer flexibility with him, we do not have an arranged schedule, and he sees them when he is in the area. He calls in advance, he asks, and we set it up. He has been responsible and trustworthy. So i am not this way with him, he has a proven track record.
The SA on the other hands want to play and have no responsibility, and for now i think we should stick to arrangments. And if he wants to plan something extra he has to plan in advacne and trade days. Just becaue he is not at work during the day does not mean he should get to take her. she is in daycare for a reason. And that reason was his lack of responsibility.
Hi Flora, I also think you should abide by the agreement you have decided upon. You set them for a reason, and until you are a firm believer in the safety of your daughter you need to stick to your guns. Set the guilt aside in favor of your daughter.
If anything negative were to occur during your daughter’s time with him, and you felt you had to ask for stricter rules, the court may view your lieniency on occassion in a negative light. Not only that I think his veiled ultimatum to you is disrespectful and a bullying tactic, and probably testing your resolve.
Love, LindyHi Flora,
I agree with Ms. Lindy. Mine is doing the same kinda thing with me over nonsense just to get me to relate to him again. I’m not because I know he will take whatever I give him and manipulate, twist, disrepect, and whatever hell the else they do to mess with our heads. Been there, done that!Stay strong Sister Flora, love nap xxoo
PS We need to get our own wrist bands made that say “Stay Strong Sister”
OMG miss lindy you are so right. I truely don’t know what i would do IF something bad did happen. Thanks for bringing that up. Thank you all.
The other part of it all is that he is not working so now he is going to be trying this on multiple days, weeks this summer. But hello a normal working adult who needs to pay the bills, is at work!! And not livin with mommy and daddy has work to do around the house and chores etc. Instead he is at home with mommy and daddy, making half what i make (which is not alot) because he is a lazy leach. Meanwhile i am at work 9-5 M_F and hate it, but I am there. So why should he yet again cash in on this…because i am at work and working hard…and he gets to take her and go play?? Not to mention can he really be trusted. Really.
Just and update on my situation. So i said no to the SA and stated our agreement. and this has now turned into ww3.
Sa then comes back and says that we can agree to stuff outside of the agreement and that our daughter would love to enjoy the day at dance class, and not have to miss out on additional things she likes to do. And that he would like me to reconsider.
At this point i have spoke with my attorney. The h then says that i am not cooperating and that this day is in part of a trade for a day of visitation that he is missing this weekend. I said no, that that he is getting next friday and half of wednesday that acutally eqauls more than his missed day; and that the weds day (tomorrow) is in fact him trying to get extra bonus time.I then sent a message that all further communication needs to be sent via email so i can keep track of what the hell is going on and for me it can be documented what our conversations are.
He then proceeds to send yet another text message that again laying on the guilt that our daughter would really love to go to the beach with him on weds as this is not taking any time from me i should not have a problem with it and that i should consider agreeing to this. Please think about it. i would appreciate it greatly.
So ladies. Here it is in plain site what we deal with day to day with these guys. Could the guilt really be played or laid on anymore? What is a sociopaths favorite tool? guilt.
This is exactly how i suspected that he felt that he is entitled to this time because i am at work and not taking anytime from me. But in fact she is in daycare for a reason and that is where I feel safe and comfortable about her where abouts and care. And I told him via email until I get word from the guardian i do not feel comfortable with alotting anymore time until she gets back to us with her findings.
Ugh. Like i need this right now. I am supposed to pack and be traveling to ohio friday night, not to mention all the other crap i have to deal with getting ready. Why do these guys feel they are so above the rules and the laws. just participate as you are supposed to and if you want extra time, petition the court to make that change.
Ugh.
Hi Flora,
I think you handled him so well…stay strong…the reason they do this is because they can usually get away with it…don’t let him, stay strong! The guilt he’s using is the MO they love to manipulate us with. I think youre doing great!
Love, nap xxooYou definately are handling him, stick to the agreement. It’s going to become very tiresome, but don’t give in. SAs have to manipulate someone or something 24/7 and when they can’t they are like children and just don’t get it when it doesn’t work. He will always keep trying because his moral compass is wacked way off course. Stay strong sister.
Hi Nap and ms. Lindy,
And all. Thank you for your support. It has been a rough past day and a half. I got in with my therapist today and feel much better. She confirmed all of my thoughts and feelings, and that i had in fact offered him the alternative to go the proper route to obtain additional time, but he proceeded to try to guilt me and badger me into it. Yet again i am the one doing this to myself. I in fact am allowed to say no. end of story. My therapist thinks that in a way he does not really want to do the extra time, and can blame me for saying no. And then he can still be the prepetual victim. A different take i had not thought of. Wow it does not take much to fall off our path and cool thinking, but i hope by tomorrow i feel better again. This will shake out. But it stinks when you feel bad about having to enforce the rules and just plain common sense with these guys. In a nutshell that is what this addiction is all about. No honey its not oaky that you visit a prostitute, we are married…sounds rediculous right? But this is our lives, to enforce the obvious.
thank you guys. Nap i need to re-read my email to you and get myself put back together.
Love to all FloraDear Flora
Nicely handled– really glad you are sticking to the rules and schedule. It’s like they plant these little bugs in our ear– oh, I am not cooperating, she would like to go, it is her father– blah blah blah.
There are court orders for a reason. You are fortunate that you are in the driver’s seat and get to make the call. You daughter is lucky for that. Thank yourself for being a great Mom and putting her well being first. Even if it doesn’t feel the greatest all the time. I bet you can breathe easier now that you’ve said NO. great job.
Thanks Pam. For now i am in the drivers seat. I hope that this event does nto change the future, but i can’t base my current decisions based on the fear of the reprocussions in the future. Its not fair to me.
And yes after saying no, i do feel much better! Like i will get some ssleep tonight, not the tossing and turnign last night.And i misspoke in an ealier post the sociopaths biggest tool is pity…and addicts tool is guilt. And my SA still acts like an addict with his laying of of the guilt.
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