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I am so sorry Victoria.
WHen I read these posts about the groups, there is a part of me that is almost glad that my SAH never agreed to go. I honestly don’t feel that it would have helped one iota.
NAP as usual, you are cracking me up 🙂 Oh to be a fly on the wall at THAT meeting
I also remember my h telling me there are boundaries as far as what can be described to prevent triggers for the other men in the group. Like they can say they cheated on their partner or screwed hookers for example but they can’t go into details like she had big boobs, let me ass fuck her, gave the best head job I’ve ever had, etc.
My sister thinks there needs to be a documentary made on exposing these groups and the insane abusive way partners are treated by the SA world. She can’t believe some of the things I’ve told her. She thinks I should hire an investigative journalist to infiltrate and write about it.
I forgot to mention last night, one of the SA sluts involved in the NYE bitching session about me is actually now engaged to one of the sex addict’s from the group. How sick is that!
I found her email address and want to do something… Man, I still seething with anger.
Ideas?
– Email bomb her (anonymously) about how SHE needs S-Anon because NOW she is a partner of a sex addict. She is automatically codependent, controlling, and in denial.
Give her a slice of what it’s like being a real partner. Open her eyes to the reality of partnering with a sex addict.
I am sick of these people fucking with me. The worse thing is I don’t even get the chance to defend myself.
Victoria, I’ve got a novel idea…. How about you walk away from that miserable fucking piece of shit you’re NOT married to and start a wonderful new life today. New Year, New Life!
Victoria,
I wouldn’t even stoop low enough to notice them, really. They are all just going to twist that into another session of bashing. Ignore them.
And the SA/SA engagement, lol. If it’s genetic, or hell even if it’s family of origin, and they all marry eachother, they’ll be sexual anorexics together, they can make EACH OTHER miserable, instead of normal people, and their genes will die out. How cool is THAT?!?!?
In a perfect world, right?
Right. Let ’em all have each other. Victoria, don’t waste a second of your thoughts and energy on those losers.
Teri, I watched the Malcolm in the Middle ep. My SA used to get told he looked like Malcolm, it always used to piss him off.
It was good – spot on with the blaming everyone else but themselves and the 12-step cult thinking. At the end, it was good too when he looks in the mirror and says all along the person responsible was right in front of me – you expect him to say himself, but his gf/wife is in the background of the mirror standing near him and he means her.
I think the less energy you give this situation, the better. Start 2013 anew. I may have your story wrong, but I don’t think you’re married with children. If that’s true, get out now. Run, run, run and font get trapped in this warped, f-Ed up world. What I’d do to
Glad you liked it, Victoria. See, it’s not just us! Not by a long shot.
I love that ending, too.
MIM is a great show. So clever, so well done. How many family sitcoms spoof AA?
I found it as well – cracked me up…as the wife of an addict and as a mom. Her reaction to the blame is hysterical! And, in the end, her husband stands by her. Made me a little jealous – is that what he right guy does?
Victoria, I am so sorry you had to suffer this. I heard about these meetings and thought the whole idea was completely nuts. I decided one of my boundaries for leaving immediately and forever amen, without looking back, was if my SAH started going to these 12 step meetings. While we were completely separated without any contact for seven weeks, his counselor had him attend a meeting. He rejected the idea of the meetings. “How could it be healthy for me to hang out with all these people?” “How would that help me to get better?” Those were my thoughts exactly. If you want to get well, why would you hang out with sick people? The whole concept makes absolutely no sense and co-ed meetings are the definition of insanity. Anyhow, I’m just so sorry you suffered this, Victoria. So sorry.
Victoria – I’d be going ape shit over this. Really? They are trying to make you seem screwed up? Pay them no heed. They deserve no attention.
I think that coed meetings are stupid. I also think that not all meetings are created alike. Some are good, some are bad. I like the accountability model, but I think that can also be done with therapeutic groups. In fact, one of the Minwalla intensive SA groups ended up bonding and now do a Skype meeting every week – like an SA meeting. I think that groups can be very helpful in the recovery process but not if the group isn’t humble and looking for the core issue.
I’m so sorry to hear that the group is soo screwed up.
Deb
Exactly Penny, it’s what I don’t understand, there is no NORMAL person there as the role model or as true guidance. No one there with any moral fibre. No one there healthy to model what a decent man and human being is, what is right & wrong. It’s insanity. There should AT LEAST be a healthy non-addict/therapist leading the meetings.
If meetings, like the one mine goes to, were broadcast on TV for the world to view – 90% of normal humans would think WTF!?!?? is this Sci-fi? What planet are these people on? The live by a separate set of rules and standards – upside down and utterly backwards. Logic and normalcy is non-existent.
And the problem also is these SA’s have become the only people my SA socializes with. While that’s slightly better than his old cheating perv friends, he still only has fucked up people as examples/role models. No one normal at all. And other than me… the only other females really in his life are these SA bitches. I’m the only normal one – among all the sick addicts, so no wonder I look/appear/sound like the big freak to them!
What are the other options, though, apart from meetings??? Are there other groups out there? There’s zero SA therapy groups here in Australia because there’s no CSATs down here. Are there any phone therapy groups run by anyone?
IDK how old he is? Would he go in patient? He’s going to be surrounded by the likes wherever he goes, I think? People pick their peer groups and that tells you a lot about who someone is. He is who he is. They are who they are, especially the ones who’ve been at it a long time, like most of their life.
He’ll be 29 this year. His addiction started approx age 12-14. There are no in-patient facilities here for sex addiction. Only option for him would be going to the US – but he has no money at all.
I wonder if Dr. Minwalla has a group over the phone or if
he would do 1:1 phone with him. He seems to be the best. Does anyone know for Victoria? And he’s in California right?Ok, I think I finally getting bargaining this morning.
Victoria, this is what it sounds like to me…IF he hung out with the right people, IF he had a different treatment program, you hope he would get better.
I really believe that IF he really wanted to get better, none of that would matter all that much. He would find something that facilitated his healing.
At some point, it is time for acceptance. He is the way he is. You will get there when you are good and ready. Hugs to you.
I think the issue is that it’s too late, there’s been too much damage over 2 years.
I do think if he had the right treatment it wouldn’t have turned out this way – as bad as it has. The following is the kind of treatment that’s only been available here in Australia – direct quotes said to him from over 5 psychologists/psychiatrists here who claim to ‘specialize’ in sex addiction:
• “You just need to look at women-friendlier porn so your partner doesn’t get so upset.”
• “Go to nicer sex shops” (Therapist gave him a list of sex shops for him to visit behind my back)
• “You’re not allowed to do any recovery work outside of what I tell you to do.”
• “You need to stop reading those recovery books all the time. Take a break and do more fun things.”
• “Maybe you can go for a bike ride down the beach to relax” (His biggest trigger is the beach – obsessed and preoccupied with nudist beaches)
• “I have nudist friends!”
• “You both have love addiction” (Because it’s been difficult to end the relationship)
• “You would recover better without being in a relationship, leave your partner. She is the reason why you haven’t gone well with recovery.”
• “You’re a manly man, you have high testosterone”
• “Sex is great for stress relief and your metabolism”
• “It’s OCD, you need exposure therapy”
• “We don’t want to affect his sexuality” (prescribing anti-depressants, and the potential of low libido side affect)
• “Polygraphs are only used for sex offenders, they’re not advisable for sex addicts.”And his current psychiatrist – an addiction professor –
• “Sobriety that you speak of is not possible, you can’t supress male urges. We’ll have to figure out some allowed behaviors you can do”
• “You have issues, but nothing major” (After asking to have full psych assessment because of serious PD traits – which psych didn’t want to do)And this current one doesn’t even care if he’s acting out. No relapse work or anything that ought to be happening.
Do I think IF he had an actual CSAT things would have been better with him? Yes – because what we’ve had and dealt with has been pure insanity. He couldn’t have magically found someone/something down here either – not possible, we have been through all of them, everything, and had to try do all the educating too. These ‘experts’ hadn’t even once heard of Carnes. Recovery just doesn’t work with makeshift “treatment”. Biggest mistake and regret is not flying to the US from the very start.
Victoria it appears that you have no professional support whatsoever and, in fact, neither does your SA partner.
I hope you will move on with your life and find some joy and peace in 2013. It’s that simple, and also sad but true. IMO.
Victoria,
Those quotes are bad, and it is very discouraging that there are such idiots out there. But you know from SOS that we have our own share of idiots here in the US. I was told to make myself more vulnerable to him and have more sex with him (while it turns out he was having unprotected sex at orgies). We were given books to read to increase the passion in our marriage. I could go on…Mine goes to a CSAT who is very well-thought-of in our area. It hasn’t made a bit of difference. Several intensives, inpatient therapy. He has fooled them all. No one will even listen to me when I try to tell them he is still at it. They all just keep coddling him as long as he is forking out the money. Maybe Minwalla would have made a difference? But my STBX wasn’t really interested in seeking out someone who would actually help.
The point it, HE is responsible for that. If it isn’t working, HE is the one who needs to find what will. HE is as capable of seeing through the bullshit as you, IF he were ready and serious about getting better. If you had a problem, would it be up to him to find you help? Or would you seek out the help you need?
Some studies show success rates for addiction treatment (not sex addiction) are similar regardless of treatment program- suggesting that those who want to get better will get better. I had a compulsive problem- an eating disorder- growing up . It got better when I decided I was done and got help to support me with that.
Victoria, it is what it is. I read once to focus on reality, not what you think the potential may be.
He brought up rehab himself a couple of months ago – ISH – he had heard it from me orginally, as I often mention things regarding Minwalla, because he has no Internet access, so he can’t just google things. That week in Nov, he had said he felt very suicidal after acting out and rehab was all he could think of for days. I was overseas in NZ at the time. 10 or so days later he cut his wrist, after I had confronted him about some lies. But then a few slips/relapses later, of course, the rehab talk all faded because back in active addiction where he doesn’t feel anything. He now has only $50 to his name, apparently is eating expired food because it’s all he has, and behind in rent. His depressive thinking is: the more he’s lost, the less point there is in trying. Addiction is all he has.
It just makes me fucking sad how our individual lives have turned out.
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