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Mine said something similar to me weeks ago. That if there was no chance of a reconciliation then why would he bother getting treatment. What would the point be. I just remembered that with your thread. Victoria, you are not married to him. PLEASE save yourself!
Trish and Victoria,
I am trusting that you see clearly what your SA’s are doing when they talk about not bothering to get treatment if there is no chance of reconciliation.
They are once again trying to offload responsibility for their addiction to you. Also, divorce does not preclude reconciliation. It just enables to you to live without their abuse, and be able to create a safe place emotionally, financially, spiritually, psychologically and spiritually from someone who is out of control. These guys are narcs, and they believe that YOU not them, should be taking ALL the risks. They shouldn’t have to risk anything because in their narc minds, they are working so so hard and you aren’t. They STILL will not acknowledge the past or ongoing cost to YOU of living with them and their insanity.Just making sure you get that.
xo.
So, if they really believe that it’s pointless to get into recovery if there’s no chance at reconciliation, I take that to mean that–on their own–they have no problem with being whore-mongering, fucking-addicted, vile, disgusting perverts who will continue to escalate until even taking it up the ass and group sex isn’t enough for them. Do you want to be with a man who thinks that’s ok, who thinks THAT’S the kind of father his children deserve?
I do. I just tend to forget it when I get tired, lonely, sad and scared. That is what my list of reminders is going to be for in 2013. I am going to read through my FUCK THAT list each morning to help me get through the day and the legal separation that is looming.
My h says all the time that he is changing his life because of him. He cries when he looks at old photos because they remind him of the years he lost. He talks about all the years he wasted being angry and thinking he didn’t deserve anything good.
I`m not telling you this to make my H look good or bad. I am saying it because IF he truly wants to recover then these are the reasons he should be doing it. He also put his ” I will always take care of you and the children” in writing with an attorney.
He may or may not be truthful but he is saying and doing the right things with NO promise from me to stay or to even work on the marriage. I may end up divorced tomorrow but he still needs to recover for himself.
Reconciliation cannot be the reason they chose recovery. It will never work and the odds are already against them.
Stay strong Trish. Your H has not even truly admitted to himself that he actually has a problem. He may never…..
With my SA, it’s not even specifically reconciliation (he’s never once fought for me or begged me), he just doesn’t value his own life enough to fight for it and hates living. His mentality is along the lines of he is too fucked up, there’s too many things wrong with him, and made too many mistakes. It’s like rock bottom yet with the opposite affect.
Nah, I’d say he’s in pity party, not rock bottom. Rock bottom scares them, he’s just sniveling.
Wow, that was really cold, and I went back to edit and delete it but I’m not going to. Because I guess it really was to myself. The time my husband went to TX and cried about how he’d lost everything, raged at what I’d done, etc. etc. etc.
And then the visit to the psyche clinic. And now. There is a difference when they get the shit scared out of them as a result of their behavior. At least, I think I see a difference. Not saying it’s a cure by any means. But a healthy respect for the danger and real power of their addiction/compulsion.
So, that’s to me. A pity party is a lot different than a “holy God I might actually have to STAY in a mental facility and be medicated and lose my job again, and have no access to friends or family, or ANYTHING remotely like porn. I can’t even wear my own shoes, this is SERIOUS.”
I don’t think so – to Lynn’s first comment – He has tried to suicide multiple times (2 x slitting wrists, hanging). Perhaps depression can be considered an internal pity party, I don’t know. But what I do know – He does not value his own life.
My mother is the queen of suicide. Trust me, it’s a pity party. I am NOT saying that they won’t actually kill themselves. They will. I am NOT saying that they do not need serious help. They do. I AM saying that you cannot help them.
At the risk of sounding like a cold-hearted bitch- he has tried suicide at least 3 times and been unsuccessful? He really does have too much wrong with him- he can’t even get that right. No, seriously, though…I think someone who really wanted to commit suicide could figure it out after a couple of misfires? I could be dead wrong, and he is definitely fucked up either way…
Victoria,
You are in your 20’s. This is NOT going to be how your life turns out unless you continue on your current path. Though everything you say about the sex addiction industry is true that is not really the root of your pain and frustration. The root of your pain is your continuing emeshment with him and refusal to leave him despite the fact he gives you NOTHING to work
with. Pretty much all of us have been negatively exposed to this treatment model and the loonies that facilitate it. We still have to find our own way. You are intelligent and you know right from wrong. None of this insanity would be part of your life if you would just walk away…away from him, away from his enabling family and away from all the sickos in his SA groups. ALL he does is hurt you. For God’s sake get out and go find a life you can be proud of. He hurts you so much it is palpable. I wish you would disengage and free yourself from this filth. Karen xxMy mother put a 357 magnum to her heart and pulled the trigger. She did this at my parent’s business. A customer had come by when they were closed and saw her and called 911. She is alive and well. This was in 1990. She had previously tried this in 1977 ( I didn’t know, my dad told me). She also had a serious attempt in 2003. She has threatened even as late as 2009. She has a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a counselor. She has been diagnosed as bipolar. She lies to the doctors. She is a full blown narc. So, she is totally serious when she says she is going to kill herself. She just can’t get an audience any more. We ignore her ( when she starts about killing herself). It may sound cold but my brother, my father, and I have killed ourselves trying to help her. We all agreed no more.
I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know everything here. Or really, anything of significance. Just my personal take on what’s been presented from a very jaded perspective. Without a doubt depression plays a part and I don’t consider that a pity party. It’s real.
Yeah, mine went to the psyche ward because of a suicide threat. Then said it wasn’t, when the police showed up. Too late, he was bleeding. He was admitted.
I want to say I’m sorry about your SA, Victoria, that he went through that, but the honest question that I have to ask is, if he tried so many times, what’s up with the learning curve here? It’s not THAT hard to do, trust me. I sound horribly cold saying that. However, that is emotional terrorism, the threats and not going through with it, over and over and over. The death is spread around and prolonged and glorified in the family unit until it’s macabe and totally destructive. Even if nobody dies, the trauma of it is pervasive.
If I sound casual about it, believe me I’m not.
Thanks for your insights everyone, and Lynn, I understand you’re not taking it lightly. All due respect though my sisters – and I mean that with love – I’m not going to relive and go into detail analyzing about his suicide attempts, because it stresses me out and does me no good. It’s all in my previous posts over the past 12 months, though, you can also find it under topic ‘Suicidal SA’… I’ve picked it apart too much, it’s draining. I have dealt with a huge lot of stress from it, including added trauma, and also his neglecting/blaming parents that made it even worse for me, and I did all I can in my power (CAT team, psychiatrist).
Teri, he has said that can’t even fucking kill himself properly – that it’s another thing to add to his list of failures. To sum it up, he is pretty clueless mentally and has limited resources to find out the correct way to do things – there’s also no guns in Australia. He’s not constantly on a mission trying to kill himself, he hates living but the suicide thoughts/planning/attempts occur more like a cycle, when things have got very bad and too overwhelming for him.
Anyway, my main point today is that I do believe his depression and zero self worth contributes to his lack of motivation to fight for saving his own life with recovery. If I had his extremely shit life, I’d prob prefer to be dead too. He doesn’t believe in heaven or after life – he thinks it all just ends – he just wants not to exist.
Karen, I do now consider myself somewhat single in a way. Even changed my facebook status last week. It’s hard for me, but I do want a NORMAL life, a good future (just the simple things), and to find a real human man capable of loving me and treating me well. I’m trying, I promise.
I wish there was some kind of closure.
Good for you Victoria. You are trying and you will get there. I remember reading your posts about the suicide attempts etc… I know ( believe me I do) the trauma involved. Keep trying to save yourself. You cannot save him……no matter what, you just can’t.
Victoria,
You have been through hell, clearly. The last thing I want to do is ask you to relive it. You have been traumatized enough.I agree with Bev, though, you cannot save him. And you are not responsible for him if he does kill himself. I was just thinking that there may be borderline personality disorder rather than/in addition to? depression…which is really beside the point. His problems are HIS problems.
I cannot imagine how you could keep doing this the rest of your life. I am sure you feel the same way. So sorry for what you are going through.
I’ve read where up to 70% of SA have suicide ideation and their suicide rate is 4 times higher than the average population. I believe my xh hates himself. All his actions scream self destruction. I think their level of self hate varies individually. It’s likely on a continuum like a lot of
things…..
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