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Hi sisters!
Been wanting to get this out here sooner! Ok, so Monday night, I approach him in the living room with the “papers”and ask him to turn off the TV (for once in his life!) because I need to talk to him. He is very calm and agrees. I told him that I had filed for a divorce a few days ago and that I chose to “serve” him myself, to keep the drama out of his workplace. (Even tho he doesn’t deserve the courtesy)…I have decided to pick my battles wisely! (Thank you ladies for always showing maturity and calming me down when I’m about to explode!) Also, Nap, for your no nonsense and always practical advice. Did you decide to pick up a vibrator?? LOL!! Just kidding!! Lexie, you KNOW I always have to add some humor!!
Diane, Flora, Marie, the list goes on!! You girls seem to hold it together the most and give well thought out replies and advice when we are hurting! Ok, Flo, you might get off the hook on a bad day, but I’m just sayin!!! 🙂
Anyway, he was calm and cooperative thru the whole thing while I gave my speech and we went over the paperwork. I was kinda flippin out cause if you could see the paperwork my attorney has drawn up, Its, the wife this and the wife that and she needs this and that, and she can’t afford this and that, and she requests exclusive use of the residence while divorce is pending, etc. I was waiting on him to hit the roof but he never did. I never said ONE PEEP about SA. Just that we were both unhappy and had been for most the marriage and it is time for each of us to move on. He was fairly quiet and was pretty agreeable thru most of it. At the end, he tossed the papers on the coffee table, stood up, and said, what if I don’t want this? I told him, I might understand because I never wanted it to come to this either, but now it has and I have filed, and I’m giving him his life back, etc. (and taking MINE). He went on and on about how he agrees we have problems (YA THINK??) but he doesn’t think divorce is the answer. (Really??) He said he’s not getting an attorney at this time and he is not discussing this with anyone and literally stuck his head in the sand. The papers are laying in the same spot 5 days later! I was like, whatever you need to do…..
Sooooooo…. That’s that! It’s out there now! He can do what he wants. I’m saving knowledge of SA until it works in my favor during mediation!
Oh yeah!!! The kicker? At some point, when he was listing off his reasons for not wanting divorce, he actually said, “and besides, I don’t want to be disloyal” I was like, HUH?? He goes, “I am loyal in all that I do. I made a commitment to you and it would be disloyal to break that promise.” ARE YOU F’N KIDDING ME???????
What a whack job!!! Scary!!!!Hi SL,
He’s got 20 days to respond. What is he going to do? If he doesn’t then you get what your lawyer listed out for you. Does he know that?
napYep… he’s a socio honey. Total mindfuckery there… So tough, but the less you say, the better. (I always say. “learn from my mistakes.”) 🙂 He’s a drowning victim– He really didn’t believe that he was just standing on a sand bar and next step he took and oops… And he’s trying to take you down with him– so hang on tight and stay the course!
He was warned.
xo ~ L
Thanks ladies! Nap, I didn’t even know THAT! Awesome! Maybe I will be nice for a few weeks and play a little mind game with HIM for once! It might work in my favor!!
Wow, sliverlining, very proud of you and how you calmly did that. I hadn’t thought about whether or not you would tell him any of what you know about his behavior and SA, but as I was reading what you wrote, it made perfect sense not to say anything about it. You already decided and filed for divorce, you want out of the marriage, etc. You would only have needed to bring it up if you wanted to try and work on the marriage with him. And using it as leverage calmly at a later date is perfect if it is necessary. I learned with teenagers not to give up my sources of information, not to let them know everything I knew, and never let them know that I didn’t know nearly as much as they thought I did.
I think you are really, really smart, silverling….you’re going to be okay:) especially with NAP’s legal knowledge!
MarieNap,
Because while I was obsessing for months, I discovered that he was sitting at his desk at work (making about 90k, which is decent for where we live), and for hours and HOURS, all day long he was/is chatting with God knows how many women (that he meets on singles sites). He uses his work computer, email, desk phone, and company paid cell phone to chat it up, send pics, etc. ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!! They have a very strict policy about the Internet, company paid devices, and of course, they are paying him to do a JOB, not give himself a hand job! Which, by the way, I have printed off an email where he tells this one chick that he has a blind on his door (which he does) and he sits in his office and does yahoo IM, and jacks off at his desk!! UGH!
Anyway, when we go to mediation, we are going to offer him a proposal that is very tilted in my direction (as it should be at this point!) We are going to list the reasons we have came up with for why this is fair. That’s when we will reveal the SA stuff and the MANY examples that we have (in only 3 short months of collecting evidence) of how much money he has been spending on extra marital affairs…for YEARS!!! (probably all 17 years) (gas to drive to other towns/states, wining and dining the victims, hotel rooms, monthly payments to at least 3 singles sites, etc) If he doesn’t agree, then we’re sorry, but we will have to supeona (sp?) your work records (Internet usage, cell phone records, company email, etc) to get a more accurate amount of money that you have spent thru the years…. If you would rather we didn’t contact your employer…. Please sign at the dotted line……. 🙂
He has been there for 31 years! He is 2nd in command! No WAY will he want them involved! His job is all he has left!! So….. Understand?!Thank you, Marie! I always feel so much better when the sisters build me up and make me Strong! I am really scared shitless but I think we have a good plan! The judge probably doesn’t give a hoot what he has been up to but our guess is- it won’t make it to the judge because we would get work records as part of our case. He will not let that happen under any circumstances!
It sounds like a great plan to me! Oh… to be a fly on the wall when he realizes that he’s toast.
Awesome job S-L ! I admire you a lot!!! xo ~ L
Wow! How bizarre is that? He’s got to be racking his brain trying to figure out what it was that pushed you over the edge to go so far as to file. He’s got to be wondering if you found out about his secret life. I love it! Would he allow himself to think that just maybe you are smart enough to figure him out? NO He will go on thinking and lying to himself that you don’t know anything about that. I’m impressed that you can keep quiet about it especially after his comment about being loyal to you! That’s so insane that it’s no wonder we can’t wrap our heads around this illness. I would have blurted out LOYAL? What the hell do you know about being LOYAL? Geez, maybe he better look up the meaning of it. Absolutely insane. I wish you all the best. You certainly have more strength than I do. Keep us posted, this is getting good! Oh, and please, be careful. I don’t want to see you get hurt. Do you have a Plan B in case this goes badly? Can you seperate from him? Just curious. Love ya, girl.
Awwww… Thanks Cb! You sisters are the best!!! You can just imagine how scared I am!! The support is so much needed!! When he waltzed into my life, I was a single Mom. A happy, content, and making it in her own, single Mom, I might add. But, I wasn’t rich and although nice, my 3 year old and I were renting a little bungalow down the street from my parents. SA was charming and smart and loved to do things for me! One thing led to another. I was definitely in love! We saved money for a year, started building a beautiful custom home in the suburbs and got married. He took over the “man stuff” as well as the finances, insurance, license plates, all the yukky stuff that I hated! In the meantime, I’m suddenly living in our new house, with all new furniture, driving a new car, etc. I thought we were in love and life was GOOD. He certainly wasnt perfect and knowing what I know now, it all makes sense. Thru the years, I struggles to figure out his mood swings, all ruined holidays etc. When he was good, he was awesome. When he was bad, not so much awesome. He would occasionally pick stupid fight, then leave for the night or wknd!! I was mortified!! What the hell was going on!?? Over the years, I consulted my pastor, insisted we do marriage counseling, etc. I tried to leave two different times, once even filing for divorce! It was the last thing I wanted to do, but was desperate to stop the insanity!! I hated the thought of giving up my much loved new life style, home, sense of belonging, security, his family, etc. Even HIM on a good day! He would beg me not to leave and since I really never wanted to, it was easy to believe his promises. He always broke them.
Finally, I realized one day, that I was NEVER gonna leave him, no matter what and I was just going to accept him and our strange relationship for what it was. I would enjoy the good times and overlook the bad. I stopped questioning him when I was suspicious and just ignored all the ugliness. It wasn’t easy or fun but the price I was willing to pay, to keep things, status quo? It’s been wearing on me and my son both for years! At least we had each other! Finally, when I had my D day, and after months of snooping, investigating, obsessing, finding this site, etc., it really sunk in what I was dealing with. An SA predator, among other things. I no longer could turn my head the other way, nor look in the mirror and honestly say that I could accept this. I realized how much of our money had been spent on his addiction, not to mention the lies, and lies, and LIES! I couldn’t take it anymore and here I am! I still hate giving up so many familiar things that I love and family that is dear to me. But it must be done. I am not strong! I am weak and broken and exhausted and scared! But like Nap says, feel the fear and do it anyway!!
I have tons of support with family and friends! I can have help in a moments notice! We have a preliminary hearing scheduled in July! I thought that sounded pretty far away for a hearing to determine who stays in the house and how the bills are divides while this is pending!! Uh, what are we suppose to do in the meantime? Kill each other??! OKAY!!!!!! Lol….
Soooo…. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!! I have a brand new job that I love so far! My close friends and family are at my beck and call, if I need anything! People check in on me every single day. It’s nice! Apparently, he’s gonna make this difficult and I dread it when he realizes I am serious and turns into an asshole. Ugh! I guess at that point, I will just turn into a bitch?? Lol… Whatever it takes at this point!! Sorry for the rambling! This is the first Memorial Day weekend that I haven’t spent on our beautiful boat in Tennessee. 🙁 Of COURSE, he conveniently went down there today until Tues to hang out with all of our best friends!! I am a little sad and lonely tonight, thinking of the fun I am missing and the friends who will wonder where I am and what is wrong! Ugh!! Its all soooo complicated!! And why is it, that HE’S the one with all the issues, yet I’m the one who stays home all wknd!! Sigh….. Some things never change!!! Thanks CB!!! Love you too!!!! XOXOXO!!!!!PS: I think my original point was, lol, that because I chose to STAY under any circumstances all those years, without any more questions or snooping or counseling, I just learned to suck it up and keep my mouth shut! Now, those hard earned skills are coming in handy when it really counts! Mums the word!!!! 🙂
Hi Silver,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I have been thinking about you so much and wondering what happened. I am proud of you and happy for your strength in moving to this point. I know that it has been a struggle and continues to hurt for now. I feel like you are on a good road to find peace for yourself. I love your stealth in looking out for yourself and not addressing the SA until it is necessary to play that card. Keep up the good work Silver, you are an inspiration.
hugs!!!!You’re my idol SL!
You’re playing this so well! As we’re both filing at about the same time, I think I’ll take my advice from you instead of the solicitor!!!
Thanks for sharing – been thinking about you
Bb
xHi Silver,
Sounds like everything went really really well.Ya know with these SA’s its all about control. He does want to stay with you, he likes to keep you as a caged kitten. If he does not have you to rebel against and dog all the time…acting out may just lose some of its fun for him and the pity it brings upon him from all the other women. He is probably going over in his head…if he left a trail or left anything laying about that you found. I am sure he thinks he has you totally snowed and that he got away with this for so many years.
To listen to you speak. We sound alot alike. I was a strong independent single mom of 2. I owned my own condo, had & still have a good job, but still wanted another kid and wanted a house, and we made it by…but like you we did not have alot of money. SA came in he was fun, parents gave us gifts, took us on vacations, he appeared to have promise with potential for a good career….but if i have learned anything in the past couple years is that looks and feelings can be deceiving. I relied upon them, and it was wrong. But my gut however contradicted by feelings and how he appeared…the gut never lies.
So he did not sign the papers?? So in other words he has technically not been “served”. How I understand it hear is that once you are “served” it is illegal to move around funds, mortgage things, rack up extra debt, hide cash…etc. So if he knows you want a diovrce and did not sign he has not bee served. In that sense the autmocaic court orders will not go into affect??
Just worried about that little tidbit. Have a good holiday weekend,
Love FloraHi SL,
You have done a wonderful job taking your own life seriously and dealing with the “official” start of end of the marriage. I hope you are proud of yourself do doing it directly, without drama, and with a clarity in your own mind that probably scared the sh** out of him. Check with your lawyer about the status of the process given what Flora wrote above. Don’t take your foot of the gas. The first step is just that—there is another coming after and we want to get right to the end because that is what you want, here.Re: your husband with the friends for the holiday. Don’t be naive about this. He’s building collateral, Making himself look good. He will tell them something…and maybe even cry a little for the women. You were his cover, and he’s not going to let you go that easily. But sweetheart, you will make new friends, even if he takes the old ones. You’ve already done that here, so don’t get spooked. Be careful with the threat to tell his employer, because that cuts off your source of support doesn’t it? Remember these guys will risk anything to do what they want the way they want to do it. He’s already risking a great deal at his office.
But most of all, believe in your own strength. You have become who you were always were, and you are defending your right to a safe home, food, lifestyle options, and to be treated with respect. That remark about Loyalty—-isn’t that just enough to make you scream? He’s loyal, all right, to his fake life for his penis.
you go girl, you are inspiring all of us to act with dignity and purpose.
love,
D.Hi Silver lining – I am so proud of your strength. Flora has a good point – if he does not sign over the w/e, I would have him served. These guys are clever, and you don’t know what he will do with hiding assets.
Much love to you.Hello Sweeties!
I didn’t make myself clear! He DID sign the waiver of service, which means he acknowledges that I gave him the paperwork. He knew that if he didn’t, I would call my attorney the next morning, and then Barney Fife would be showing up at the reception desk at the factory he runs! HE DOESN’T WANT THAT! Too embarrassing!! He actually thanked me for doing it this way instead, which I knew he would! Since he sits at work all day and does this SHIT, believe me, I wanted a teeny revenge by going the whole sheriff route!! But as I said, I want to choose my battles wisely and that certainly isn’t one of them!!! We have too much nice stuff!!! Lol!!! 🙂
Also, Diane, Although the employer thing is a subtle
Threat, we won’t be presenting it that way. We will just offer our proposal with our thoughts on how we arrived at it, based on the information we had available to us,(and we estimated the rest) OR, we can get a continuance, and conduct a thorough investigation in order to get accurate records. (We won’t do that because I don’t want him to get canned, even for his own sake!) But he doesn’t know that and he won’t take the chance! Trust me, he will sign our agreement and start over with his life! GOOD RIDDANCE!!!! XO!Hi SL,
Do you live in a 50-50 no fault community property state?
I think most states are now but maybe yours isn’t. The SA information would play a role in child custody, however, if child custody is not an issue, and you live in a 50-50 no fault state, the SA falls into the category of “no fault”. This is my understanding. As the patitioner of the divorce (the person who files) you can ask for whatever you want, however, if its a 50-50 no fault state the judge will make orders based on division of assets based on that. If you need marital maintenence, it is based on need and his ability to pay (his income).I understand, but I think he will settle outside of court for a host of reasons. And my attorney said that 50/50 is a guideline but exceptions are made frequently and the fact that he has spent so much of our money on this, I definitely qualify. But again, we wonT make it to the judge. He will sign my agreement, you’ll see! 🙂
Hi SL
I’m hoping for the same. It’s 50/50 here, regardless of conduct, unless there can be proof that the conduct is relevant financially, and like you, my solicitor thinks I qualify. I’m hoping that my ex will agree for the same reasons you do – he doesn’t want his sordid little secrets coming out, and my solicitor has said he will ask the court for permission to get his financial records for the last three years to prove where the money has been going if he doesn’t agree.
Doesn’t it make a change for us to be the ones with knowledge we are witholding!!!
Good luck to you
Bb x x x x x
Hi SL,
I see what your saying and I hope it’s true. If he gets a lawyer, which he probably will unless he’s just totally off base, the law will support his 50% no matter what and if he’s smart he wont sign because of that, which means there is no court everything is split 50-50 according to the law. Do you qualify for maintenance?I’m not sure if I will or not. I probably look pretty poor on paper next to him. I guess we shall see. I’m really confident in my attorney’s abilities and she feels good about our plan. I need to start doing the inventory around here and figure out what I want to put on my wish list. It would be easier to make out my wish list for HIM: a duffel bag of clothes and maybe a towel or two. Lol…. I guess time will tell! I will keep you posted…. Thanks for your input but I hope you’re wrong on this one!! 🙂
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