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Is anybody else having this problem? My SA is in utter denial of his problems; ALL of them, from the SA to the PA to the things he has done and the things he continues to do. He shows me no emotion, love, empathy, compassion, friendship, morality, NOTHING. Yet, as soon as I talk divorce, he becomes volatile. Claims he doesn’t want to “break up” the family {as if one ever existed in the first place}. He’s never shed a tear nor said a kind word nor uttered a sincere apology, yet he is fighting me tooth and nail about ending the insanity.
I remember once, way back when, my friends had asked me why I had chosen to marry him out of of all the people I could have married. He wasn’t my type at all. I told them it was because of the person he is inside, not because of what he looks like outside. Too bad the person inside was a complete and utter figment of his imagination and never really existed in the first place. I’ve heard him refer to me as “arm candy” on more than one occasion to his friends, and sometimes wonder if he married me just so he could have the “pretty, smart, caring and loyal wife/mother” at home, while he banged hookers, random women, and chose to masturbate to a bunch of pixels on a computer screen than actually touch ME, a human being, as well as his complete emotional abandonment and void personality that emerged after we were married.So I was just curious if anybody else out there had a SA who doesn’t show remorse, love, or anything else, yet is such a narcissistic psycho that he’s willing to fight you tooth and nail when it comes to divorce and family court.
The only reason why I haven’t fully pushed the issues as of yet is because of finances, an injured knee, and a preemie toddler whom needs me at the moment. But once all of the above is rectified, I intend to go full throttle to rid myself of the plague that is my “husband”
Mine was/is the same way. I did file for divorce anyway, but he still denies denies denies, and acts like he bears no fault in our split. God only knows what he told his family and friends, I’m sure he made me out to be a crazy b who left him “for no reason”. And, he keeps asking if “we can still be friends” – but we were never really friends, were we? Friends don’t lie and disrespect each other constantly. Friends are people we can trust.
Mine acted that way for months. I have been gone since July, and every time I would think about dating a guy I was interested in during one of our previous separations, he would do the begging, pleading, Guilt trips for ruining our family. Wouldn’t take responsibility and constantly claimed it was my fault our son was crying every night. It was tough and I wasn’t in his house anymore. The constant pull of the heart strings is so devastating. Every time I could start to detach and heal, I had to deal with that. The blaming me. In total denial, thinking that one therapy session in which he could manipulate the therapist a week was proof he was in recovery. all the while telling his friends I cheated( total lie), still going out to bars and flirting with women. Still hanging out with his womanizing friends. Blaming me. ETC.
I finally sat him down just before Christmas and said as soon as the holidays were over I was gonna file. This was right after him disappearing one night while my kids were with him and left his 12 year old daughter to watch them until the wee hours of the morning while he did things I can only wonder about. Hanging out with a woman he had a sexual relationship with in the past and her husband( who doesn’t know). Then when I confronted him angry he left my kids and told him that did not look like recovery to me. That there was no need to go out drinking and partying while he had the kids and to go out with a known sexual partner while his daughter had no clue how to reach him. He got defensive. Ugly. Mean. and cruel. It screamed to me I needed to file. So, I told my attorney to get the papers rolling and warned him he would be served. He got real then . Or so it seems. Alot of effort now. I think these SA’s need a swift kick and jolt to wake them up and face reality. I think the only way they will heal is if they stand to lose everything, and sadly, even then many of them do not.
Kudos to you for having a plan in place. It must be so difficult living there day in and day out and not being able to act on it right now. A plan is probably the only thing that keeps you sane…….
Lori
Intotheligh t – they are all like that – incapable of showing love, emotion and empathy. My SA cried last week and told me how he had come to realize how much he has hurt me. Progress, I THOUGHT! This past week-end he triggered on the boobs of our Associate Pastor – what a guy. (Boobs are one of the things he struggles with when acting out on his addiction). The worst part was he continues to lie about it unless I confront him and tell him I am 100% sure he did it. Also, a typical reaction of an SA. When they know they are caught, the fear of abandonment kicks in and they are contrite, and willing to do anything they can to hold onto the relationship. Mine showed total lack of insight when he asked me If I was back to I go back to no trust with such “little things.”
Lori – I honestly don’t know how you even cope with all oif this. I am glad you are going to file for divorce- you deserve better, and your’e kids are certainly going to suffer emotionally if you stay with him.
Hugs
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