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Is it wrong to want to write his workplace to let them know how much time he’s spending on their work computer and work phone looking up sites like fuckbook? Even if they don’t care about the morality of it it’s got to constitute a risk for an HR director or at least be stealing company time. Yeah, I know, I’m bitter but he is going around making shit up about me. I’d like to knock him down a peg. I lost my job, friends, city, step kids, life etc and he lost a wife that he promptly hid evidence of…kept after women like a gross predator and maintained his obnoxious friend group.
I won’t weigh in on if it is wrong or not, but I will say I would make his world a living hell in every way I could. He is not the father of your children……Let him have it both barrels, guns blazing and smile for all of us.
OMG Bev, when I saw that you were the first one to respond it scared me..lol. I don’t know how that would affect the divorce process. I’m meeting with some lawyers this next week to get the ball rolling. But honestly. He deserves it.
I might ask attorneys first.
Do you have evidence at all? You’ve probably said before but my memory is shot. If you do, I’d use it for leverage.
If you don’t have proof, I think he can turn around and try to sue you for defamation of character or something. Unless you can figure out a way to do it anonymously? Maybe an anonymous tip “Check so-and-so’s computer”?
I guess it depends on how ugly he is liable to get. Generally, it’s not good to poke a skunk.
i would say put your energy somewhere else, kat. into something that benefits you. don’t waste time on him.
Well Teri, I don’t plan on writing anything that isn’t true and that I don’t have proof to back up. Do I think he’d go after me…I don’t know. The thing is if he does I can threaten to give his ex wife all of the evidence I have including him admitting to be a sex addict in email so she can go after custody. Honestly it’s a toss up as to which one of them is more messed up, but it’s still leverage. He was responding to male for male NSA blow jobs. He is not going to want that out there simply for the shame factor. Thirdly…he’s now the little league erm..something leader. Not president, but important board position. If I also threaten to simply send the emails he’s sent me. That would crash his reputation there. His work is a very small office. He’s the HR Director for a seafood company. I guess I could send it anonymously but since they don’t have I.T. I doubt it would be followed up on. However if the owner of the company and the CFO get a letter with the moral implications they may be more apt to follow thru. They may not let him go. Honestly though…I think he’s a risk to keep employed.
I hear you Lisa, and I wish I could. I don’t know where this sudden spate of hate comes from other than he’s lying left and right about me. Maybe after I talk to the lawyers I’ll feel better/different. It’s funny. The other day I felt meh about him for like two hours. But maybe this is just part of the process I need to work through.
And I guess that part of it is that if I get this hateful part out now then I don’t have to carry it.
I’m having some of the same kinds of issues. I am suffering more from attacks of conscience because his partners don’t know what he up to, esp the illegal stuff. He saw a patient at a hotel and was inappropriate with her on FB. He’s following underage girls on Twitter, prostitutes, etc….Also wondering about State Board.
I did let the Boy Scouts know bc he contacted a prostitute while chaperoning a Boy Scout campout. I couldn’t just let that go when I found out that he might be attending Boy Scouts with his nephew. He’s on their “person to be watched very carefully” or something list. He would have been in more trouble if I had sent info in while his membership was still active. I waited so that’s why he is just to be watched or whatever.
So I guess 2 issues- can you use it for leverage in the settlement or do you feel you need to protect anyone?
Oh, and what happens to your step kids if he loses his job? Does it matter to you?
These men are awful. On the one hand, I think they need to feel the consequences of their actions and not be protected. On the other, you have to protect yourself, too.
I still say, talk to the attorney first.
Kat, I am so sorry that you were scared to see me respond. I am really not mean….maybe I am, but I do not intend to be 🙂
Okay, first of all, do not try to play that “I’m not going to waste my energy on him..” game. Of course you are going to waste your energy on him because you are fucking pissed off.
I do NOT think you should focus all your energy on him and I do not think that getting him fired or whatever is going to help you. I do think that there is some poetic justice type shit that is simply a consequence….so, I don’t have a problem with you extracting some justice 🙂
Convoluted or not…..I say go for it. Send him into all kinds of hell. Why not ?
My h told coworkers that I was divorcing him and he was devastated… Never told them why … He needed a little sympathy from others I guess.. Believe me the day is coming when I’ll finish what my SAH started.. I’m not going down like a bad guy. I would ask the atty. if I were you first but I saw fire away!!!
Lol, at Bev. No, you tell it like it is. Well that hits the nail on the head. Thanks Bev. Caligirl, yes. To anyone new he is literally pretending that I never existed. He only tells them about his first ex wife and kids. To those who knew both of us he tells them that I left him and it gets him sympathy. Frickin boohoo. Lying sack of shit. And yes, as Bev says I am pissed.
It’s the lying that makes me angry. I can’t believe all of the times my ex would come down hard on the kids for lying. I know that it’s part of the whole effed up package. I know that I can’t expect him to be a normal human. If he had said…yeah it didn’t work out then I might have split and left him with his dignity. But he’s blaming it on me.
So, fight back. There is no shame in fighting back. People like to say you shouldn’t fight and it’s beneath you and it makes you on his level…..Bullshit to all of that. There is no shame to fighting back. Anyone that tells you that they are “oh so above fighting back” is lying or dumb.
You should never let fighting with the piece of shit define who you are or what your life is about. Do not mistake that with the desire to be heard and get even. If he keeps throwing bullshit out there then do not hesitate to bust his ass.
He is not allowed to blame any of this on you.
You could always start a whisper campaign. You really just need to reach out to one well-placed person and tell him/her the truth…
I’m all for fighting back. If you can squash him without hurting anyone else or yourself then do it. Why not indeed??
One thing about my ex is he thinks he can represent himself legally. He’s not really in a position to afford a lawyer. (Well who is) He’ll most likely do everything pro se. And I do have other information as leverage. I will check with the lawyers.
He was actually let go from two jobs while we were together. One was for spending too much time texting and visiting other sites on the computer that were not work related. At the time he had some good reasons for it including some legal research according to him. Either way it’s a pattern.
I remember when he was interviewing with this current company and for some reason I felt uneasy about this job. Now I know it’s because he obtained access to an Iphone that nobody was monitoring. God, I’d like to have a relationship without all of the ‘feelings’ that things are off.
After I left he had to get a second job. Really his work deserves better. He did the same thing with them that he did with me. He love bombed the shit out of them when he first started. (He gets paid way too much for what he does) Then he started spending a lot of time at work on social networks and stuff. Which devolved into sending and receiving crotch shots. And now as far as I can tell he’s got appointments for his second job at lunch and after his other work. How can you put in what your worth at your first job?
He also likes the limelight. He’s wanting to join all of these boards in the fishing industry. Like I said, if he’d let it go I would’ve just walked away but he’s on a smear campaign. He doesn’t deserve to be recognized in the community.
I don’t doubt he’ll find another job but it’ll be in another industry where he won’t have a fuck network. Or maybe they’ll ignore the whole thing, or drop his bonus, or let go of his raise for this year. Either year he won’t be able to lazily pass himself off as a decent guy.
If its revenge you are after then go ahead however I will say it will not help you to ‘get even’ or ever have an advantage. As many of you have told me the best thing you can do is to move forward with your life and live well. I don’t know if it will help but I sent an email to my exes sister and told her what he had been doing (some of it and the watered down version at that). I was ignored and blocked by her. He however sent me an email to threaten me with the police and accused me of spreading malicious lies. Sadly the only way I can prove my honesty is to expose him to one and all. I’m not prepared to do that. Instead all I have done is make myself seem like the crazy vengeful ex. I played into his hands. He extracted sympathy. Just think how far you are willing to go and whether the best revenge is really doing that or is it building yourself a happy future without the SA lies and deceit?
I wish now I had chosen the latter but I didn’t, instead I have made these past months about him and his poor treatment of me…..but now I realise (for now at least) that I have treated myself poorly and I don’t deserve that…..think about it.
BestDonna
Thanks for sharing your experience, Donna. I can relate. I good friend of ours asked doc e if he had told his family about his addiction, and he threatened to go after her for extortion and defamation of character. I told doc e that I was concerned about this getting in the newspaper bc of our son, and he did the same to me. These guys will sometimes get very ugly when they feel threatened with exposure.
I understand wanting justice and the system is not set up for that, unfortunately. This urge to out them tends to diminish with time, BTW. I wish it was all easier and more fair- it’s hard to take all the destruction they cause.
I say take the high road. Why be an idiot like him especially if it ends up shooting yourself in the foot. Anyone with half a brain can see right through his BS hence all the job firings. He’ll hang himself eventually if he hasn’t already. You know what the real truth is.
Nap, I don’t think it’s true that anyone with a brain can see through their shit. We didn’t. The parents of the kids on the sports teams didn’t. The neighbors didn’t, and neither did the folks at church or the therapists…These guys are good at what they do. They’ve had a lifetime to perfect the art of role playing. Sometimes we just have to tell the truth. The problem is, we need to do that without expecting a certain outcome.
Kat, maybe you could simply suggest that it might be beneficial for them to check his computer/history. The IT person should have access to everything, even if your SA deletes or “browses” privately.
I meant when they find the porn on his computer or a husbands wife calls HR because your h is fucking his wife (a co worker) Late from lunch because you spent another 15 with your hooker. My xh hung himself with his jobs. They all don’t but many do. My xh had 7 jobs fired from all but one. I lost my support alimony because he lost his job.
I like Donna’s advice. You could easily end up looking like a crazy, vengeful ex. Unfortunately, I don’t believe other people can see through their shit… if they did, you wouldn’t have to consider revealing him. Terri’s whisper campaign has some merit because its not overt. Just put it out there, and walk away.
Revenge would be sending a letter to the little league president. He LOVES being involved in little league. Actually it’s kind of weird. Revenge would also be sending everything I know to his ex wife.
The problem is that his current job doesn’t have an IT department and he IS the HR department. He’s the HR director. There’s no one else to report it to.
And I agree with March. Noone can see these guys for who they are. He hung himself at his last jobs but I don’t think it’s gonna happen here because it’s the perfect environment for him.
I wish a whisper campaign would work. That’s something that could be done at the little league level. I’m nowhere near an ear though. As for being the psycho ex….I don’t care. He also could threaten me I suppose but considering what I have on him I don’t think he’d want to bluff that.
Teri, he’s not quite at Doc E’s level. He’s very very very careful about how normal he looks to everyone.
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