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I know a lot of people are separated from their spouse while they can clear their heads and the SA gets his act together.
How many of you are separated? Are you:
#1 – in limbo
#2 – divorcing eventually
#3 – hoping to reconcile and working towards itKim, I’ve been separated for seven months. Still stuck in limbo. He’s been in SAA and going to weekly therapy with a CSAT all this time. In all honesty at this point in time I still can’t envision him not being in my life. But I feel way too insecure about things right now to consider us living together. To my knowledge, he hasn’t ‘acted out,’ but in the last few weeks I felt like I was thrown back to D-day, because he seemed to be getting back into cavalier mode about recovery. So I’m still taking things day by day without any real plan in mind. Making a fine art out of procrastination. An odd thing I’ve discovered about myself though.. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever lived alone and I’m getting a little too comfortably content with it. To the point I’m starting to wonder if I could ever live with anyone again. Yet at the same time, I’m almost 56 years old and the thought of living alone for the rest of my life is scary. Thanks for asking the question. Talking about it makes me realize that I can’t do the limbo thing indefinitely, and that I need to have a plan, even a baby-steps plan. xoxo
#5 – divorcing currently but talking frequently and being uber nice to each other and wondering if it is still reconcilable but really not sure! (ALso not sure if the being really nice to me is because we are working on a financial settlement so is he just smoothing the path so he doesnt lose everything…) hmmm! Still little trust on my part then!
Limbo… Too early for me to call it. I personally want a divorce but two kids involved and a rash decision will hurt them more. I do not want to separate and reconcile …. One upheaval ( if that happens ) for kids is all I can take. He is trying but I just don’t know….
Scratch that.. I probably do know. Just cannot take the truth right now. I have zero ability to see any chance that I could actually love/trust/ respect again. I hope I am wrong but I doubt it.
Living apart and in limbo but I lean toward reconciling at times which makes me want to barf to even type those words. Sat will be 3 weeks since we’ve talked. still texting here and there. I know at some point we need to talk but the knot in my stomach keeps stopping me from doing it.
I think its like SL has always said. We will keep staying until we have had enough. Like I did in my first marriage I could never leave until it was crystal clear that was the right decision. Once I did, that was it. It was over and I never looked back (although he wasn’t a pa, just a lazy asshole).
That’s how it will be with this one…..I will never end things until it is crystal clear that the time has come.Separated since Christmas Eve of 2010 (that was the day I discovered his secret life).
even after 16 months I am still in shock and disbelief to the extent of what he has done in those years before discovery, I can not really wrap my head around it yet, but slowly I think I will get there, no chance on earth that I will be back living with him anytime soon, I am taking a chance on creating a new way of living, dealing with him , maybe if he wants to play along with me ( which he said today he will)we will go that route, if not in 1 year I am going to file for legal separation, and then maybe divorce after that.
But again things may change who knows I am just realizing you can not do long term planning with those crazy menPhysical separation – living apart. I moved out of our home one week after discovery near the end of Jan 2011.
I am mostly #3, but he is now in limbo about whether he wants addiction or recovery, so that moves me into limbo and hoping my time will come when I have finally permanently had enough. I want a normal life back. I want to be loved and cherished. I think it’s my mountain of grief from losing the person I loved, and mourning my relationship, that keeps me trying and trying in this madness.
I am #2-finally got there. What a journey and a struggle. Now that I finally made the decision to go, I feel a sense of peace and know the pain will soon be over.
No regrets. 1st step-moving back home. 2nd step-getting the post nump updated 3rd step-DivorceI am also at number 2. episode after episode after episode. until I finaly said. Enough.
still sad though. really sad. yet I am hopeful about a new life for me. D day was 6/1/2010. I have been on one hell of a ride ever since. finally, i found the brakes in this damn thing. I hope you find yours also.
# 1 in limbo. I don’t want a divorce as I have nothing to gain from it and quite alot to lose. I am trying to hold on at least 4 mores years…some days telling myself it is ok because we are apart most of the time and other days chiding myself for having let him lead me to think “What’s the point? My life is ruined anyway” In a funk tonight…my parents death and my son’s dropping kidney function combine to make me feel overwhelmed and depressed. When I am not busy being mad I get quite sad too.
I guess right now, I’m at a 1.5, lol! But I guess in all honesty, that makes it a 1, doesn’t it? I wanted to try to hold it together for a few more years, until both kids are out of the house, but it’s a LOT harder than I thought. It’s painful, it’s up and down. So right now, I guess I’m sort of lost.
Karen, I’m thinking of you….love you…hang in there knowing someone out there is thinking of you! xoxo
Karen, you’ve been a rock–a touchstone–like a huge boulder rising out of class V rapids in a freezing river. Without you and the others, I’d have never been able to go through with my divorce. And you guys might think, ‘But you’re still living with the asshole, so what good was it?’ and I’m here to tell you, it’s made a difference in the way I think and feel. I shed the sham “marriage” and took a step forward. I have many more steps to take, yes, the biggest one being the step I take with my left foot before I kick his ass out with my right. I know it’s coming. Anyway, I’m sorry you’re sad and overwhelmed. I’m sending you the same kind of strength you’ve sent my way.
I am in limbo. I am past the happy thank god I am relieved to have my own place to the I am grieving and sad place. I went back to the house on Sat and he is all I love you and I miss you and all I felt is pressure, anxiety and I did not feel that way. Before I divorce I want to be sure those loving feelings aren’t buried underneath the anger and hurt but I can’t say things I am not feeling so I don’t say I love you back. I feel it is forced. I also don’t want to be working at this for years, my hope is that during this next year there is some clarity because I am tired. I will try to see if we can patch things up but I feel very pessimistic about it. So it goes 1, 3, and then 2. Thanks for the topic post
Harmony,
I think that sounds like a wonderful healthy way to handle it. I admire your strength.Victoria,
That is the part that makes me cry the most… the unrealistic desire to have my old life back. I was disgustingly happy in that life. Trying to accept that it wasn’t “real” is hard. And trying to wrap my head around what WAS real is hard. And all the work, sobriety and therapy cannot bring THAT guy back because he never was. It also cannot give me a husband who never did those things.Karen,
If you don’t mind me asking. What happens in 4 ‘years?I kicked him out within a week of finding out about his cheating. It took another 2 weeks before he sought therapy and another 3 weeks of denial on his part. During this time I worked on myself and became stronger and happier without him around.. Now when he comes over to pick up kids or try and talk I can’t wait for him to leave. Kicking him out was the smartest thing I did and it helped me to think clearer and be more objective.. I was able to sort thru my feelings and not have him trying to control and manipulate me. I finish up my divorce paperwork tomorrow and it will be filed this week. Somedays I am extremely happy to find myself again and am hopeful for the future and other days fearful of what the future might hold but life is an adventure and I am ready to start a new one that includes honesty, integrity, happiness, and real love. I find it very fitting that I am filing during holy week because with out my faith this journey would have been a lot harder. God bless all of you ladies you are all incredible.
Jodee, I think you are incredible. You used your time apart to do exactly what we’re supposed to do for ourselves. I’ve spent a lot of our time apart chasing my tail in an endless loop. And I don’t even have young kids at home like you do, which must add a whole other level of stress.
Your strength and clarity is inspiring. xoxoAnniem,
We only get one life to live, and I am not going to let my SA dictate how my life is lived, since i have no control over his actions. Don’t minimize your life and happiness. You are the painter of your canvas, so paint it the way you want it to look like, not what your SA decided your canvas should look like..
We all deserve to be happy. 🙂Dear March, THANK YOU! If I can help a lady like yourself then I feel humbled because I often cannot pull myself out of the river. I actually think there are different ways to move forward and each step we take that “WE” believe is a step for our own lives…well that is a good step? It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else…just to us? As long as we keep moving forward we are in the right direction.
Kim- there should be a decent pension earned by then( and maybe a larger lump sum) that I could go after as opposed to not much of anything to try to get half of. 😉 And yes….our finances were that bad after Asia.
Jodee- part of me thinks your response is the only healthy response after finding out the kind of info most of us have found out? I mean after you get over the shock and the horror of what they are capable of….I sometimes think “What could there possibly be left to talk about??” 🙁
I may have just given 2 completely opposing opinions in one post?? Clearly I have NO IDEA what the best way to proceed is OR maybe it is unique to each woman and her situation? I ALWAYS thought I would just walk away with absolutely NO DISCUSSION……Jeez
I think it is defintely unique to ever woman and her situation as well as what direction the wind is blowing, how the planets are aligned… lol
I have very pratical reasons to stay as well. Most days In just want to “do my time” and go.
My H and I go through cycles. I like the one we’re in right now. But it won’t stay. The sands will shift and we’ll be on to some new phase.
Other days I figure that as long as I’m here, I might as well make the best of it.
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